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RoseRed135

If you're the go-to babysitter or regular "nanny" for your grandchildren (or other relative kids)...

74 posts in this topic

This was my philosophy on naps- I don't know how you can force a child to take a nap. You can force "quiet time" but I don't think you can make them go to sleep.   If they need a nap they usually get one on their own. Some kids nap and some don't.  I had one who napped an one who didn't.  The one who didn't wasn't any more cranky that the other.

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I also had non nappers.  Occasionally they would fall asleep in the early evening and sleep around the clock, but if I tried making them nap...it causes stress for all of us.

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18 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

 HELP!  I have tried to tell my DD (making reference to other kids, not her) that they are being manipulated and need to step up as parents and PARENT her.  She doesn't have to take a nap though she desperately needs one, she is allowed to stay up as late as 1am (usually 11pm), and the list goes on.  If she throws a fit, they say she is "sad" and don't want to make her any more "sad"  Now I am screaming in my own head.  I raised 6 kids and none of them were allowed to behave as DGD

Grandmomtwo, 

I hear where you are coming from, my DS absolutely needed a schedule.  He didn't like taking naps, and sometimes it was hard to get him to take one, but he was a much better kid for it, even if he just "rested".  Some kids need naps but I know others are just fine without one and refuse to nap. Maybe stress to the parents, that every kid is different and unique? Maybe you could suggest a trial period schedule to parents? To see if it helps her irritability and patience?  If they need reasons why? Well how about getting ready for school?  Some kindergartens have Nap/Quiet time and she will need to be used to this and be prepared, and staying up till one just wont work when she has to be up early for school.  Not to mention once she starts school it will be more draining, she should be challenged and learning more, and that can tire a kid out....

M

 

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I'm wondering if the departing drama is this little girl's way of punishing her mother for leaving her all day...nothing to do with Grandma. As for the swat on the diapered bottom....don't ever hit anyone else' kid, never a good idea. If she needs a nap, just tell her that "after lunch we're going to have 'quiet time' for a little bit." Close the curtains, turn on soft music (I used classical on my high school students to dial them back).

Edited by Mame925
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Two things:

1) There's no word to describe the level of livid I'd be if I found out someone spanked my child while they were in their care. You can use whatever euphemism you want, if you made physical contact with that child's bottom, you spanked her. If I found out, that would be the end of babysitting. 

2) I think you are way over thinking GD's reaction to seeing her mother again. My younger son used to have a meltdown when I would pick him up from daycare. It was not a commentary on the care he was getting at daycare - he was absolutely fine. On several occasions I got to watch him happily playing and interacting with the staff before he saw me. As soon as he laid eyes on me, meltdown. Having a strong emotional reaction (in either direction) to being reunited with a parent is normal behaviour for a toddler. It's actually a sign of secure attachment. 

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I actually live with my older DD and SIL. The arrangement is mutually beneficial; I save them money on child care by being here to care for the older kids and babies when needed and I don't have to sweat making enough money to live on my own. I do work outside of the home on days I'm not needed here.. lucky to have a job that I can work as I'm available. I also look after my other 2 GDs when needed and I can. Looking after my grandkids is the best job in the world :) . While I'm giving up some free time to do it, it will only be for a little while. In a few years they'll all be in school and won't need Nana to look after them as much. 

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On 9/23/2016 at 6:59 PM, SilverViolet said:

I actually live with my older DD and SIL. The arrangement is mutually beneficial; I save them money on child care by being here to care for the older kids and babies when needed and I don't have to sweat making enough money to live on my own. I do work outside of the home on days I'm not needed here.. lucky to have a job that I can work as I'm available. I also look after my other 2 GDs when needed and I can. Looking after my grandkids is the best job in the world :) . While I'm giving up some free time to do it, it will only be for a little while. In a few years they'll all be in school and won't need Nana to look after them as much. 

Just reread this delightful post, SilverViolet! Hope the holidays are going well for you and yours! I know you must enjoy seeing it all for your GKs' eyes! Hope we hear from you again soon!

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On ‎8‎/‎13‎/‎2016 at 3:07 AM, RoseRed135 said:

.... or if you ever were in the past, how did this come about? Did you offer to play this role or know early on that you would? Or did you just sort of fall into it? Or?

And if you will, what is the biggest plus of this situation for you? The biggest minus, if any?

Or if you're a parent who relies/has ever relied on family childcare, how did that come about? And, if you will, what is/was the greatest plus and/or minus, if any?

 

My DS and my xDIL got married at ages DS 19 and xDIL 18. They had a baby two weeks later, also after she just graduated from high school. My DS worked long hours and asked me to help out at first because she seemed rather overwhelmed with the responsibilities of a new born. So when they first brought him home I stayed with them about a week. Both parents welcomed all the help I could offer, which ended up being rather frequent. I visited them and stayed over frequently when GS was very young but as he got bigger, I'd keep him at my house for a day or two at a time, most every week. The young couple both welcomed and encouraged this. Sometimes they asked me to take him so they could go out or whatever, other times I asked if I could come and get him because I just loved having him, and so did my husband.

It gave them time for some relief and it gave me time, to bond with these kids. I loved being a parent to my own children and I can't even describe how much I loved this chance to actually spend this much time with my beloved grandchildren. They had another child 1.5 years after the first, a girl. I was a little surprised how easily my H bonded with these two as well as they are not his bio grandkids and he spent a lot of years talking about how our kid raisings years were done. But the GKs are actually with us enough that we get a feel for what it would be like to have them around all the time, having to make our plans around them. We don't really discuss it but I know from a few things my H has said that if something should ever happen where the parents could not care for these kids, yes, we would take them until they reached adulthood. After 6 years of marriage this couple split up. She lives with the guy she left DS for. My H and I have become even more involved and more protective of the kids since the turmoil they have had to go through with the split up of their parents. I guess we sort of "fell into it"

The plus for me is that I absolutely love the time with these kids; we take them camping, take them for car trips, play with them outside and more. I sew for the kids, play games with them, read to or with them, help them with school work, take them shopping, cook for them and lots more. We involve them in our hobbies such as HO trains for H and video editing for me.

The minus is they cost a lot of money but since I don't mind spending on them, that is not really a minus. Certainly they cramp our style lots of weekends, but it is still worth it to me and I would not wish to have it any other way.

 

 

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@Bobbisue2 - Welcome back! What a beautiful, heartwarming post! Even though I'm sorry your GKs' parents seem to have been very eager to hand them off, I understand that this probably has something to do w/ their having been very young when they started out. And, IMO, it's wonderful that you and H have been willing and able to step in and help out! Also, your obvious joy in doing it, despite a couple of drawbacks, is, IMO, very inspiring!

Granted, I'm sorry about the divorce and any negative effects it may have had on the kids (not too many, I hope). Are they getting any counseling to help them deal? Regardless, IMO, again, it's great that you and H are there for them. Kudos! :clapping:

Meanwhile, I hope we see you more often...

Edited by RoseRed135
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P.S. I'm a little confused about 1 thing - Do you and H take care of the little girl often, as well?

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1 hour ago, RoseRed135 said:

P.S. I'm a little confused about 1 thing - Do you and H take care of the little girl often, as well?

Yes, sorry for the confusion. We take them together.  One time when the parents were still married, I was thinking how it might be easier to handle just one at a time, you know take turns. It was just a fleeting thought as I knew I'd take them both every single time I could even though they fight like cats and dogs and one is easier to handle without the other. Still, one time I went there probably when the kids were 2 and 3 years old, for fun, I said, I think we will take turns and I'll just take one this time. Who wants to go with me? Those little hands went up and they were jumping me! me! me! If I had any thought at all for taking just one at a time it went out the window in that moment.

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I have just started being full time caregiver. It came about because my son just made a career change from active Military to the private work sector and has moved to the state where I live. It's very exciting but also very challenging so I look forward to hearing other stories and sharing some of mine. The grandkid's I am keeping are ages 9 and 3. He has custody of both children. The challenge is weekends they are here overnight from Friday at 5 until Sunday evening at 6.  I definitely volunteered for it because I love them of course and also because I think the hours are just too long to be in structured daycare right now.

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55 minutes ago, JD61212 said:

I have just started being full time caregiver. It came about because my son just made a career change from active Military to the private work sector and has moved to the state where I live. It's very exciting but also very challenging so I look forward to hearing other stories and sharing some of mine. The grandkid's I am keeping are ages 9 and 3. He has custody of both children. The challenge is weekends they are here overnight from Friday at 5 until Sunday evening at 6.  I definitely volunteered for it because I love them of course and also because I think the hours are just too long to be in structured daycare right now.

Welcome JD61212! Glad to have you aboard!

Please extend my thanks to DS (dear son) for the service he has given our country. I'm sorry things didn't work out between him and your GSs' mom, but no doubt, he's happy to have custody. No doubt also,, you're delighted that he and the boys have moved close to you! Still, it was very generous of you, I feel, to volunteer to take the two boys for entire weekends! It must be exhausting, sometimes, but I know you must have a lot of fun and must be making many fond memories.

Looking forward to hearing from you some more!

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I'm looking for some advice. I'm a new grandmother to a beautiful 15 month old baby boy. I absolutely adore him and he adores me. The problem is my daughter. She met the baby's father and became pregnant within a few months. They were excited to start a family, but things didn't work out as planned. Neither my daughter or the baby's father are working. They broke up several months ago and I have become the sole financial provider to my daughter and the baby. I pay my daughters rent, cable bills, car payment....the list goes on and on. I've been trying to get her to work to no avail. I am able to hire her occasionally at my job, and she gets paid very well when she does work, but she uses the money to buy things for her new apartment, or clothes for her and the baby. I really cannot afford this. So as a result of that, I work as much as I can. Typically 50 to 60 hours a week because I get paid overtime which helps me tremendously with all of these new bills.
The biggest problem I have right now is that my daughter expects me to babysit constantly. And if I say no to her, she shows up anyway and literally drops the baby off and leaves! Often times this happens while I am working. I work a lot from home but my job has deadlines that I am constantly struggling to meet because of all of the babysitting. I also spend a lot of time doing Skype conferences from home with clients. I can't have the baby here at all when I'm doing that because the clients are paying me a lot of money for my advice and expertise on these Skype conferences.
Also, I am divorced and dating someone right now. I constantly have to cancel my plans with him because of her last minute babysitting demands. 
She doesn't work yet she's constantly saying she needs "me" time so that she can care for the baby properly. In addition to all of the babysitting I do, she hires other babysitters which gets charged to my credit card.
Needless to say, I am exhausted. I'm a young grandmother but because of working all the time and babysitting I can't work out anymore on a regular basis which is causing me to have a lot of back pain. 
I feel like she isn't caring for the baby properly. She constantly needs a babysitter instead of spending time with the baby. She doesn't have him on a schedule so when she drops him off at my house to spend the night with me (which is practically every other night) she comes at 8:30 or 9. He hasn't been fed or bathed so I end up doing all of that then finally getting him to sleep at around 11pm. And then I have to be up at 6am to shower and get ready for work before he wakes up at 7am. I will tell her she needs to pick him up by 8am because I have to work and then she'll stroll in around 11am and take over my apartment to play with him and feed him and I can't get any work done when that happens. I'm a sound editor in the film business so I need it to be very quiet when I'm editing. 
I live right next door to my mother so she helps me when she can. But she's 75 and in remission from cancer in addition to having a broken wrist. So I hate burdening her with asking for help at the last minute because my daughter hasn't shown up to take the baby so that I can work.
I feel like I'm living in a nightmare....please....can someone offer some advice.

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12 minutes ago, Nanaworksfulltime said:

I'm looking for some advice. I'm a new grandmother to a beautiful 15 month old baby boy. I absolutely adore him and he adores me. The problem is my daughter. She met the baby's father and became pregnant within a few months. They were excited to start a family, but things didn't work out as planned. Neither my daughter or the baby's father are working. They broke up several months ago and I have become the sole financial provider to my daughter and the baby. I pay my daughters rent, cable bills, car payment....the list goes on and on. I've been trying to get her to work to no avail. I am able to hire her occasionally at my job, and she gets paid very well when she does work, but she uses the money to buy things for her new apartment, or clothes for her and the baby. I really cannot afford this. So as a result of that, I work as much as I can. Typically 50 to 60 hours a week because I get paid overtime which helps me tremendously with all of these new bills.
The biggest problem I have right now is that my daughter expects me to babysit constantly. And if I say no to her, she shows up anyway and literally drops the baby off and leaves! Often times this happens while I am working. I work a lot from home but my job has deadlines that I am constantly struggling to meet because of all of the babysitting. I also spend a lot of time doing Skype conferences from home with clients. I can't have the baby here at all when I'm doing that because the clients are paying me a lot of money for my advice and expertise on these Skype conferences.
Also, I am divorced and dating someone right now. I constantly have to cancel my plans with him because of her last minute babysitting demands. 
She doesn't work yet she's constantly saying she needs "me" time so that she can care for the baby properly. In addition to all of the babysitting I do, she hires other babysitters which gets charged to my credit card.
Needless to say, I am exhausted. I'm a young grandmother but because of working all the time and babysitting I can't work out anymore on a regular basis which is causing me to have a lot of back pain. 
I feel like she isn't caring for the baby properly. She constantly needs a babysitter instead of spending time with the baby. She doesn't have him on a schedule so when she drops him off at my house to spend the night with me (which is practically every other night) she comes at 8:30 or 9. He hasn't been fed or bathed so I end up doing all of that then finally getting him to sleep at around 11pm. And then I have to be up at 6am to shower and get ready for work before he wakes up at 7am. I will tell her she needs to pick him up by 8am because I have to work and then she'll stroll in around 11am and take over my apartment to play with him and feed him and I can't get any work done when that happens. I'm a sound editor in the film business so I need it to be very quiet when I'm editing. 
I live right next door to my mother so she helps me when she can. But she's 75 and in remission from cancer in addition to having a broken wrist. So I hate burdening her with asking for help at the last minute because my daughter hasn't shown up to take the baby so that I can work.
I feel like I'm living in a nightmare....please....can someone offer some advice.

What about any of this do you think you have the ability to change? Of all these things you've listed, which would you change first, if you could- Just pick one thing -- and if you can't narrow it down to one pick two-

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I don't feel like I have the ability to change anything. But if I could change anything the 1st thing would be to stop my daughter from showing up announced and leaving the baby with me without my consent.She literally will come in, drop him off, and leave. If I lock the doors she will leave him outside the french doors next to my desk and leave him there all by himself.  The second change - she needs to get a job.

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Welcome @Nanaworksfulltime. This is a great place for you to air your issues & concerns...Please read thru the various forums. There is lots of info there on a variety of topics. 

I'm curious to know how old you daughter is. If she's over 20 then she needs a serious wake up call...as in we're having a "Come to Jesus" meeting TODAY. Somewhere along the line she become extremely entitled. You have taught her how to treat you...by continually rescuing her. She doesn't appear to be demonstrating the maturity to be a good parent...when my kids were little "me time" was when they napped or were in bed by 8...terribly old school, but that's my story...their dad worked 2nd shift so I had those 2-3 hours in the evening to sew, chat on the phone, bake, have friends in or watch TV and fold laundry in peace; one night I painted the bathroom. 

There are several ways to start her on a more responsible path. You can gather up all the bills then present her with the spreadsheets..."Nana' Expenses" "Adult Daughter's Expenses"...that shows how stretched your income is. She should be appalled at the bottom line. However, she may need some tougher love. She needs to develop respect for your time, which is valuable whether you work at home or not. 'I will watch the baby overnight only once per week, don't ask for twice. You may no longer just drop in...I am working at home, I have deadlines. Suggest a life coach, who will guide her toward getting her resume together to get a job and being responsible for her own time & expenses. Take away the credit card. She will never learn to live within her means if she can just put it on YOUR card and not worry about the bill. Insist she go to counseling, with you & without you. You need to be able to express your resentment of her behavior in front of someone who will 1) validate your feelings 2) explain them to your daughter is blunt terms then advise her on how to move forward. She will have hurt feelings, she will most probably be angry and guilt trip you....don't buy into it....Teach her to respect you....way past time.

I currently am struggling with some somewhat overwhelming issues....A girlfriend & I were discussing our similar response to these kinds of things...the big question is "how do you eat an elephant?"....One Bite At A Time

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She's 27 years old. And yes, I did rescue her all the time when she was growing up. After she was born I took care of her, went to school, and worked. Her father worked, also. When he and I broke up I stopped going to school and worked full time. I hired babysitters, found inexpensive day care facilities, and only asked my mom to babysit for special occasions or emergencies. And I only asked my mom to borrow money when we first broke up but I paid it back within 3 months. 

I remarried a man who did quite well financially. And I do rather well in that regard myself. But he and I are divorced now (after 13 years we broke up because he couldn't handle my daughter's bad behavior anymore) She feels that since I make good money, I should support her. It's crazy....she is very entitled. She doesn't realize I have my own bills. I have a huge tax bill that I owe right now and because of her I can't pay it. It's causing me so much stress.

You gave me very good advice....I need to start eating that elephant...one bite at a time.....thank you so much:-)

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It will be very difficult....keep us posted here....always willing to listen, comment, advise & butt in....all good.

28 minutes ago, Nanaworksfulltime said:

She doesn't realize I have my own bills. I have a huge tax bill that I owe right now and because of her I can't pay it. It's causing me so much stress.

Then tell her....and remember "NO" is a complete sentence.

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36 minutes ago, Nanaworksfulltime said:

She's 27 years old. And yes, I did rescue her all the time when she was growing up. After she was born I took care of her, went to school, and worked. Her father worked, also. When he and I broke up I stopped going to school and worked full time. I hired babysitters, found inexpensive day care facilities, and only asked my mom to babysit for special occasions or emergencies. And I only asked my mom to borrow money when we first broke up but I paid it back within 3 months. 

I remarried a man who did quite well financially. And I do rather well in that regard myself. But he and I are divorced now (after 13 years we broke up because he couldn't handle my daughter's bad behavior anymore) She feels that since I make good money, I should support her. It's crazy....she is very entitled. She doesn't realize I have my own bills. I have a huge tax bill that I owe right now and because of her I can't pay it. It's causing me so much stress.

You gave me very good advice....I need to start eating that elephant...one bite at a time.....thank you so much:-)

Yes- I'm completely guilty of not getting stuff done myself due to looking at a the whole kitandcaboodle, thinking that I have to do it all at once- And when I do that? Nothing gets done! I fare far better tackling anything with small steps and being thorough instead of approaching it feeling pressed, stressed, thinking the job or situation is too big for me, to much for me to do- I overwhelm / exhaust myself just thinking about it!

When tired, learn to rest -- not to quit- Start with one thing, get used to doing it before you go on to the next- It's taken years to create this multi-layered, multi-faceted relationship and will take time for you to fine tune it to your liking- I wish you the best!

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15 hours ago, Nanaworksfulltime said:

She feels that since I make good money, I should support her. It's crazy....she is very entitled. She doesn't realize I have my own bills. I have a huge tax bill that I owe right now and because of her I can't pay it. It's causing me so much stress.

You gave me very good advice....I need to start eating that elephant...one bite at a time.....thank you so much:-)

Welcome, Nanaworksfulltime! Glad you brought your concerns to us and that you appreciate the advice you've been given!

One comment that really jumped out at me was the one that says DD (dear daughter) "doesn't realize (you) have (your) own bills." (I'm not sure if she "doesn't realize" it or doesn't want to but no real difference, IMO). Also, the one about your "huge tax bill."  I agree w/ Mame that you need to "tell her."  I may be wrong, but I feel as if she's living in a kind of a fantasy world, right now, "playing house" when she wants to, pushing baby off on others (mostly you) when she doesn't. - and thinking it's all fine and that you can and will easily pay for it all. She needs to look at reality.

I also agree that counseling is in order though IDK if she'll agree. Not just for the 2 of you, but also for her, alone. Among other things, she may still be reeling from the breakup and the dashing of the hopes/ fantasy (?) she may have had about how it was all going to work out.

Also agree that this won't all change at once, but will have to be dealt w/ a little at a time.  Like Mame, I hope you keep reaching out to us, so we can see you through.

 

14 hours ago, Mame925 said:

It will be very difficult....keep us posted here....always willing to listen, comment, advise & butt in....all good.

Then tell her....and remember "NO" is a complete sentence.

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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P.S. @Nanaworksfulltime - I've sent you a PM (private/personal message). Please read it ASAP. To find it, please click on the envelope icon in the upper-right corner of this page. Thank you. :)

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17 hours ago, Nanaworksfulltime said:

I'm looking for some advice. I'm a new grandmother to a beautiful 15 month old baby boy. I absolutely adore him and he adores me. The problem is my daughter. She met the baby's father and became pregnant within a few months. They were excited to start a family, but things didn't work out as planned. Neither my daughter or the baby's father are working. They broke up several months ago and I have become the sole financial provider to my daughter and the baby. I pay my daughters rent, cable bills, car payment....the list goes on and on. I've been trying to get her to work to no avail. I am able to hire her occasionally at my job, and she gets paid very well when she does work, but she uses the money to buy things for her new apartment, or clothes for her and the baby. I really cannot afford this. So as a result of that, I work as much as I can. Typically 50 to 60 hours a week because I get paid overtime which helps me tremendously with all of these new bills.
The biggest problem I have right now is that my daughter expects me to babysit constantly. And if I say no to her, she shows up anyway and literally drops the baby off and leaves! Often times this happens while I am working. I work a lot from home but my job has deadlines that I am constantly struggling to meet because of all of the babysitting. I also spend a lot of time doing Skype conferences from home with clients. I can't have the baby here at all when I'm doing that because the clients are paying me a lot of money for my advice and expertise on these Skype conferences.
Also, I am divorced and dating someone right now. I constantly have to cancel my plans with him because of her last minute babysitting demands. 
She doesn't work yet she's constantly saying she needs "me" time so that she can care for the baby properly. In addition to all of the babysitting I do, she hires other babysitters which gets charged to my credit card.
Needless to say, I am exhausted. I'm a young grandmother but because of working all the time and babysitting I can't work out anymore on a regular basis which is causing me to have a lot of back pain. 
I feel like she isn't caring for the baby properly. She constantly needs a babysitter instead of spending time with the baby. She doesn't have him on a schedule so when she drops him off at my house to spend the night with me (which is practically every other night) she comes at 8:30 or 9. He hasn't been fed or bathed so I end up doing all of that then finally getting him to sleep at around 11pm. And then I have to be up at 6am to shower and get ready for work before he wakes up at 7am. I will tell her she needs to pick him up by 8am because I have to work and then she'll stroll in around 11am and take over my apartment to play with him and feed him and I can't get any work done when that happens. I'm a sound editor in the film business so I need it to be very quiet when I'm editing. 
I live right next door to my mother so she helps me when she can. But she's 75 and in remission from cancer in addition to having a broken wrist. So I hate burdening her with asking for help at the last minute because my daughter hasn't shown up to take the baby so that I can work.
I feel like I'm living in a nightmare....please....can someone offer some advice.

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with Nana.  

There are things you can or, more appropriately, can stop doing to put an end to your daughter taking advantage of you.   

The first thing I would do is put a stop on all charges on any credit cards your daughter uses and get a new one issued just for yourself.  If she is an authorized user on that account, I'd have her removed.

Second, I'd demand that she take herself directly to the local Department of Social Services office.  From what you describe, she should be able to qualify for some public assistance.  She can apply for food stamps, help with utilities and housing, etc.  If she is not working and is able-bodied, Social Services will most likely require her to participate in a work program to receive services.  There may even be childcare subsidies available to her to help pay for childcare while she's at work.  The process is long and arduous.  She may have to get rid of her car (payment) and get a less expensive vehicle.  

Where is the baby's father in all this?  Is he providing any kind of support?  If not, Social Services will be able to direct her where to go to apply for support from him.  Support needs to be made legal through the court system, otherwise she won't get any.

She really needs to start taking responsibility for herself.  I understand that it's difficult and that you may feel guilty when she struggles financially, however, she NEEDS to learn to stand on her own two feet.  What if something were to happen to you?  What if you became unable to work?  How will she ever learn to support herself if she doesn't start trying?

How is it she drops the baby off without you personally accepting the child?  It seems to me that is possibly neglectful.  If she has keys to your, and your's mother's, home, I'd have the locks changed so she could no longer enter and drop the child off without your agreement.  

It sounds like some tough love is required.  She might not like it at first and your relationship may get difficult before it gets better.  In the long run, once she is able to stand on her own two feet, she'll gain experience and confidence required to carry her through life.

Best of luck to you, Nana.  

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