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Grannygreensmith

Is this behaviour common in new parents nowadays?

742 posts in this topic

I posted a greeting already on another board but wanted some opinions. 

 

My dil and son are pregnant with their first and we are all very excited but I'm finding a big generational gap between what I thought was normal and what young people are doing today. 

Some things are very strange to me and i wanted to ask some professional grandmas if they have heard of these, Before i go and put my foot in it again.

I have kept my tongue firmly held, so far, as per advice of this group, and tried to be supportive and in the background. I thought perhaps hearing about others experiences might make me understand better and not feel so hurt.

 

1- dil is very secretive about the pregnancy and won't give me information about her pregnancy and my future grandbaby. They only told us she was pregnant a month ago, and they said she is due "in the fall." I guess she must be about 6 months?

 I have pressed for a due date but they won't tell me, or anyone else. This is very strange to me. They know the gender but are keeping it a secret. When I ask how she is she always answers "fine" and gives no more information. 

 

2- I (and everyone else in the very small circle of people who know) have been banned from telling extended family or friends about it by phone or email or on the facebook. The parents to be say that they don't want it shared online (and also they refuse to make any kind of nice pregnancy announcement for family or friends.) i have so far managed to respect their wishes, but I am finding this quite uncomfortable. When people ask how my son is, what am I supposed to say? Such happy news and I can't share it. 

For me this is simply rude and bad etiquette. I asked my son, what are you going to do when the baby comes? And he replied after the baby comes THEN they will do a birth announcement via social media. I objected to this, and shared my opinion that I feel that immediate family deserve a personal phone call, and not to hear about it along with joe public but the subject was quickly changed.

Without trying to be "me me me", I wonder how my own family will feel recieving an announcement for someone they didn't know was pregnant? I know my dear sister especially will be very hurt and angry, that I knew and didn't tell. It seems like everyone announces babies online these days. Except Them. some of my friends who are also grandparents share scan photos, newborn photos and regular updates. Others like me have been banned from posting anything. It's so strange for me.

 

3- could someone explain about this whole fourth trimester thing? I don't quite comprehend.

I very tentatively brought up the subject of the birth. Obviously due to not knowing the due date I can't go to them when she is in labour, ( I didn't expect to be in the room, but wanted to wait outside - Google told me many ladies don't want this nowadays) so I wanted to go after baby comes of course to help with the baby and got told l will be told when i can come. I searched online and many grandmas seem to be being kept out of the birthing and newborn process now, especially if you are the mother of the father. She has hinted that they are not even going to tell anyone they are in labour!!! 

i asked which hospital they will be delivering at, and after much skirting around the issue it seems they might have baby at a new age birth center or even AT HOME. I'm so shocked that they would consider anything so dangerous. I'm scared about what might happen to my dil and my grandchild. It just seems so reckless.

All in al It's so different to when I was a young mother. I would never have spoken to my own mother and mother in law this way and said they can't come and can't do this or that. Pregnancy seems like it's not about welcoming a baby into the family anymore :( I don't understand why something so happy must be kept secret and private? 

Has anyone else been kept at arms length?

How do you cope with not having newborn baby cuddles and being so far removed from the excitement of a new baby? 

I'm looking forward to hearing your stories. 

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8 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

I posted a greeting already on another board but wanted some opinions. 

 

My dil and son are pregnant with their first and we are all very excited but I'm finding a big generational gap between what I thought was normal and what young people are doing today. 

Some things are very strange to me and i wanted to ask some professional grandmas if they have heard of these, Before i go and put my foot in it again.

I have kept my tongue firmly held, so far, as per advice of this group, and tried to be supportive and in the background. I thought perhaps hearing about others experiences might make me understand better and not feel so hurt.

 

1- dil is very secretive about the pregnancy and won't give me information about her pregnancy and my future grandbaby. They only told us she was pregnant a month ago, and they said she is due "in the fall." I guess she must be about 6 months?

 I have pressed for a due date but they won't tell me, or anyone else. This is very strange to me. They know the gender but are keeping it a secret. When I ask how she is she always answers "fine" and gives no more information. 

 

2- I (and everyone else in the very small circle of people who know) have been banned from telling extended family or friends about it by phone or email or on the facebook. The parents to be say that they don't want it shared online (and also they refuse to make any kind of nice pregnancy announcement for family or friends.) i have so far managed to respect their wishes, but I am finding this quite uncomfortable. When people ask how my son is, what am I supposed to say? Such happy news and I can't share it. 

For me this is simply rude and bad etiquette. I asked my son, what are you going to do when the baby comes? And he replied after the baby comes THEN they will do a birth announcement via social media. I objected to this, and shared my opinion that I feel that immediate family deserve a personal phone call, and not to hear about it along with joe public but the subject was quickly changed.

Without trying to be "me me me", I wonder how my own family will feel recieving an announcement for someone they didn't know was pregnant? I know my dear sister especially will be very hurt and angry, that I knew and didn't tell. It seems like everyone announces babies online these days. Except Them. some of my friends who are also grandparents share scan photos, newborn photos and regular updates. Others like me have been banned from posting anything. It's so strange for me.

 

3- could someone explain about this whole fourth trimester thing? I don't quite comprehend.

I very tentatively brought up the subject of the birth. Obviously due to not knowing the due date I can't go to them when she is in labour, ( I didn't expect to be in the room, but wanted to wait outside - Google told me many ladies don't want this nowadays) so I wanted to go after baby comes of course to help with the baby and got told l will be told when i can come. I searched online and many grandmas seem to be being kept out of the birthing and newborn process now, especially if you are the mother of the father. She has hinted that they are not even going to tell anyone they are in labour!!! 

i asked which hospital they will be delivering at, and after much skirting around the issue it seems they might have baby at a new age birth center or even AT HOME. I'm so shocked that they would consider anything so dangerous. I'm scared about what might happen to my dil and my grandchild. It just seems so reckless.

All in al It's so different to when I was a young mother. I would never have spoken to my own mother and mother in law this way and said they can't come and can't do this or that. Pregnancy seems like it's not about welcoming a baby into the family anymore :( I don't understand why something so happy must be kept secret and private? 

Has anyone else been kept at arms length?

How do you cope with not having newborn baby cuddles and being so far removed from the excitement of a new baby? 

I'm looking forward to hearing your stories. 

1. All of this is her private medical information. You are not entitled to any of it. Respect their boundary, and quit asking. If they want you to know something, they'll tell you.

2.Respect their boundary. What's happening in your DIL's uterus is nobody else's business, and is their news to share, as they deem fit. Those that want to make someone *else* having a baby about them are pretty selfish, imo.

3. Again, nobody is entitled to know someone else's medical information, including labour and delivery. That you consider a homebirth reckless and dangerous says a *lot* as to why you're not being given information.

Pregnancy *is* about welcoming a baby. *Their* baby. Into *their* family. It's not about extended family. It's about Mom, then baby, then Dad.

They absolutely have every right to be as private as they wish. Baby won't go stale if folks wait six weeks or more to meet baby. And, frankly, baby receives 0 benefit from being held by anyone but Mom or Dad anyways, so not playing pass the baby is a *good* thing, as far as baby's needs go. 

It's about what Mom needs, what baby needs, what Dad needs. Not a smidge to do with what anyone else wants.

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I can understand how you would be in shock upon learning how different things are and they are very very different.  I am not a grandma.  I am a mom to 2 kids - 5 and 2 - and I can tell you that what your DIL and son are doing is pretty common.  

When I was pregnant with my second child, DH and I did not tell the due date and just gave an estimate - late summer - because of annoying my MIL was in the last days of my pregnancy the first time around.  We preferred that nobody know the exact date so they couldn't count down and pester us like my MIL did.  

These days it is also very common to use a birthing center instead of going to a hospital.  Home births are also very common.  One of my closest friends had a home birth and she said it was such a wonderful and peaceful experience.  I envy her because my hospital births were not like that.  I wish I had done a home birth with my first.  I think being in a hospital was very stressful and being hooked up to machines and being bothered by nurses every hour made me tense up and unable to relax so my baby could descend enough and partially led to a c-section.  My friend's home birth was peaceful and beautiful.  I also have friends who have had births in birthing centers.  Hospitals can tend to push interventions like epidurals, pitocin and other things that can lead to c-sections.  A lot more women these days want to go natural and try to avoid interventions and c-sections.  I think it is best to say nothing to your son or DIL about your concerns.  To say something would indicate to them that you think they are not intelligent or mature enough to make their own decisions.  Please let them make their own choices.  

I also did not tell anyone when I went into labor with my first child.  We didn't tell anyone until hours after he was born and I had a chance to rest, recover, and breastfeed.  I did not want to deal with people rushing in and interfering with my ability to bond and breastfeed.  I have a feeling that is what your son and DIL are trying to do - protect their ability to bond with their new baby and your DIL's ability to breastfeed.  If people are at the hospital there can be pressure on the laboring woman to deliver so they aren't kept around waiting.  Additionally, there is a risk that those people will try to get into the delivery room soon after birth and interfere with the new parents' ability to bond with the baby.  So, again, try to respect their decision and say nothing.  Try to be supportive.  

The 4th trimester is very important.  Please google it and learn about it and try to be supportive of your son and DIL.  The 4th trimester stresses the importance of skin-to-skin, bonding and not having others interfere with the new family.  Baby does not need anyone besides mom and dad.  Focus should be kept on those three and others need to be patient and wait to be invited in.  

I am going to give you some advice because I don't want you to upset and alienate your son and DIL.  Try to learn about what they are telling you.  Try to be understanding and supportive.  Don't be grabby with the baby.  Wait until they offer baby to you to be held.  Don't grab baby away from mom or dad.  Don't criticize their parenting choices.  Try to be the easy one who understands.  If you can understand and be supportive they will open up and let you in.  Don't barge in.  Let them invite you in.  

Edited by britomart
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I forgot to say something about not being invited to help. These days parents take baby classes and read books to learn about how to care for babies. There is much less reliance on grandmas. There is also the fact that both parents like to take part in learning to care for their child. Lots of men take pride in making time to bond with their newborn and care for the new mom after birth. Many men take time off from work to do this. My husband did with both kids. It was such an important bonding and learning experience for us and our children. Neither my husband nor myself knew anything about babies but we learned together. We really cherish that experience and those memories. Having my mom or my MIL "help" during that time would not have helped. It would have been an interference and an intrusion. I imagine your son and DIL are looking for the same experience my husband and I had and that is why they told you your help was not needed. 

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  I'm a 67 year old wife of 45 years, mom of 5, mil of 4.
 
1- dil is very secretive about the pregnancy and won't give me information about her pregnancy and my future grandbaby. They only told us she was pregnant a month ago, and they said she is due "in the fall." I guess she must be about 6 months?
 I have pressed for a due date but they won't tell me, or anyone else. This is very strange to me. They know the gender but are keeping it a secret. When I ask how she is she always answers "fine" and gives no more information.
 
We found it odd, one of our DIL was pregnant in the spring, anyone could clearly see. They told nobody. None of our business. She had a still-birth one weekend. Our son told my husband she was spotting on Friday. Our son told us days later, after DIL was home, the baby had been blessed, donated to a Medical Center. We were sad she wanted no support, but it is what it is. She perceives us as bunnies, she has a hard time getting pregnant/staying pregnant. Our son loves her and us, she loves him, that's enough.

2- I (and everyone else in the very small circle of people who know) have been banned from telling extended family or friends about it by phone or email or on the facebook. The parents to be say that they don't want it shared online (and also they refuse to make any kind of nice pregnancy announcement for family or friends.) i have so far managed to respect their wishes, but I am finding this quite uncomfortable. When people ask how my son is, what am I supposed to say?

"Son is busy with work, cooking, playing golf, how's your son? Artichoke dip? Crackers? Beer?" 

Such happy news and I can't share it.  For me this is simply rude and bad etiquette. I asked my son, what are you going to do when the baby comes? And he replied after the baby comes THEN they will do a birth announcement via social media. I objected to this, and shared my opinion that I feel that immediate family deserve a personal phone call, and not to hear about it along with joe public but the subject was quickly changed.
Without trying to be "me me me", I wonder how my own family will feel recieving an announcement for someone they didn't know was pregnant? I know my dear sister especially will be very hurt and angry, that I knew and didn't tell. It seems like everyone announces babies online these days. Except Them. some of my friends who are also grandparents share scan photos, newborn photos and regular updates. Others like me have been banned from posting anything. It's so strange for me.
 
Lots of people don't use FB, or use it only as necessary. Again, not your business.
 
3- could someone explain about this whole fourth trimester thing? I don't quite comprehend.

I very tentatively brought up the subject of the birth. Obviously due to not knowing the due date I can't go to them when she is in labour, ( I didn't expect to be in the room, but wanted to wait outside - Google told me many ladies don't want this nowadays) so I wanted to go after baby comes of course to help with the baby and got told l will be told when i can come. I searched online and many grandmas seem to be being kept out of the birthing and newborn process now, especially if you are the mother of the father. She has hinted that they are not even going to tell anyone they are in labour!!!

Nobody knew I was in L&D, did you tell your MIL?

In my opinion, L&D was much easier before technology allowed people to lay claim to other peoples childbirth. Or meddle in pieces of other peoples L&D and hospital stay.

People have no business knowing anything about such personal things as their AC/ACIL childbirth or hospitalization. No business at all, unless invited by AC/ACIL. 

Nobody knew we had ODD until we each used the pay phone to call our mom after ODDs birth. My family (except DB, he lived 2000+ miles away) and my PILs came to the hospital at different times, during visiting hours, to visit a moment and look at babies through the nursery glass. With subsequent kids, mom or MIL knew because our big kids needed babysitting. Given our parents knew what was going on, they still had the good sense to wait quietly until called.

Nobody got bunched undies because they didn't get to visit me soon enough or see the baby on their time table.

Nobody tried to tell us what to do. Nobody said when to call, or any other nonsense. Nobody else was impacted.

Everybody stayed in their own lane and stayed out of our intimate event.

We do the exact same with our kids when they have babies, we let it be all about them, always.

i asked which hospital they will be delivering at, and after much skirting around the issue it seems they might have baby at a new age birth center or even AT HOME. I'm so shocked that they would consider anything so dangerous. I'm scared about what might happen to my dil and my grandchild. It just seems so reckless.

That's just your opinion, please know they have read up on their options. My mom, dad, FIL and MIL were born at home 95+ years ago. A couple of my nieces and nieceILs had home births beginning 20 or so years ago, one of my sisters considered having her babies at home 50+ years ago.

 
All in al It's so different to when I was a young mother. I would never have spoken to my own mother and mother in law this way and said they can't come and can't do this or that. Pregnancy seems like it's not about welcoming a baby into the family anymore  I don't understand why something so happy must be kept secret and private? Because that's what the parents want. I doubt they want any help, neither did we, just wanted to be alone with our babies.
 
Has anyone else been kept at arms length?  Please give them the gift of privacy.
 
How do you cope with not having newborn baby cuddles  I assume they WILL cuddle their baby, most parents do.
 
Honestly, let all these complaints go, you'll be happier.
 
 
Edited by JanelleK
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53 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

1. All of this is her private medical information. You are not entitled to any of it. Respect their boundary, and quit asking. If they want you to know something, they'll tell you.

2.Respect their boundary. What's happening in your DIL's uterus is nobody else's business, and is their news to share, as they deem fit. Those that want to make someone *else* having a baby about them are pretty selfish, imo.

3. Again, nobody is entitled to know someone else's medical information, including labour and delivery. That you consider a homebirth reckless and dangerous says a *lot* as to why you're not being given information.

Pregnancy *is* about welcoming a baby. *Their* baby. Into *their* family. It's not about extended family. It's about Mom, then baby, then Dad.

They absolutely have every right to be as private as they wish. Baby won't go stale if folks wait six weeks or more to meet baby. And, frankly, baby receives 0 benefit from being held by anyone but Mom or Dad anyways, so not playing pass the baby is a *good* thing, as far as baby's needs go. 

It's about what Mom needs, what baby needs, what Dad needs. Not a smidge to do with what anyone else wants.

I understand and agree with everything you say, I know I'm not entitled to anything, I just don't get why it has to be so cold. 

Its my understanding that family love and care about each other, and while of course medical information is private, why doesnt she WANT to share it voluntarily? Why does she think "it's my right to keep it private?" And not "how wonderful that a baby will join my and my husbands families together?" I do understand my son is just as responsible for this as she is though. He is really not a private person and that's why it's also so baffling.

Of course her uterus is none of my business, if you must put it like that, but doesn't the fact it's my grandchild to be, mean that I should be given just a little bit of the happy information? What would it hurt, really? Perhaps I just don't understand why she doesnt want people to know - is she unhappy about it?

We were never so closed up about Pregnancy - we were happy as a family and shared the happiness together. I suppose it's that lack of closeness I am feeling sad about - I can totelly understand the "it's her body and her right not to tell" line... I just never imagined it would happen to me.

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I have a 6 month old.  Some of this is fresh in my mind.  I also have older kiddos. 

This time around we kept the due date under wraps, because "have you had that baby yet?" gets REAL old, real fast.  Social media makes this worse, honestly, because now acquaintances, coworkers, and friends of friends can easily look up when the baby is due and sit in a "virtual waiting room".  A hugely pregnant mama doesn't need that extra stress!

We told no one when we went to the hospital (in case it was a false alarm), and called our big kids' sitter from the hospital when they said "Yep, you're staying".  

I was admitted at 11 pm, he was born at 1am.  My parents and sister got text messages when I was admitted, then again after he was born.  They came up to visit after we were released from the hospital.  Birth announcement wasn't made until after Baby and I were home.  Nobody visited in the hospital besides my big kids and their sitter.  

Personally, a home birth is not for me (so not cleaning up the mess, and someone else cooking for me that isn't named Papa John is always awesome), but a birthing center is more my style.  In fact, I went to a midwife throughout my high risk pregnancy, and baby boy was delivered by a midwife.  Since I was high risk I was not a candidate for a standalone birthing center.  

Midwives have extensive training and know their stuff.  They are more likely to try less invasive techniques than to go immediately for the scalpel.  They're not backwoods "medicine women" of the old days- they're medical professionals that go through extensive and ongoing education.  A good friend of mine is a CNM, doula, and lactation consultant.  She takes at least a couple of classes in each of her areas of expertise each year, to stay on top of the latest and greatest in all things pregnancy and baby.  All that being said, CNMs are backed up by an OB-GYN in case of emergencies or complications.  They have a contingency plan in case of emergencies and know their limits.  There is absolutely no reason to be concerned.  

As far as the 4th trimester goes, do some reading on it.  It is actually pretty fascinating stuff, and makes a lot of sense.  Like a PP posted, lots of skin-to-skin contact, starting immediately after birth.  There's actually a "baby friendly" certification that hospitals and birthing centers can obtain, and some of the criteria are not having pacifiers, babies rooming in with mom, delayed first bath, breastfeeding strongly encouraged, etc.  Parents do all the care for baby.  

I lean more towards the crunchier side of parenting.  Breastfeeding, baby-wearing, cloth diapering (now, that's something that's come a long way!), semi-baby led weaning, etc.  Every parent is different, and will have different methods.  Best way to go is to follow their lead, ask what will be helpful, and don't impose your will on them.  

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Just now, Grannygreensmith said:

I understand and agree with everything you say, I know I'm not entitled to anything, I just don't get why it has to be so cold. 

Its my understanding that family love and care about each other, and while of course medical information is private, why doesnt she WANT to share it voluntarily? Why does she think "it's my right to keep it private?" And not "how wonderful that a baby will join my and my husbands families together?" I do understand my son is just as responsible for this as she is though. He is really not a private person and that's why it's also so baffling.

Of course her uterus is none of my business, if you must put it like that, but doesn't the fact it's my grandchild to be, mean that I should be given just a little bit of the happy information? What would it hurt, really? Perhaps I just don't understand why she doesnt want people to know - is she unhappy about it?

We were never so closed up about Pregnancy - we were happy as a family and shared the happiness together. I suppose it's that lack of closeness I am feeling sad about - I can totelly understand the "it's her body and her right not to tell" line... I just never imagined it would happen to me.

In short? Nope. It is their child, first and foremost. 

They are grown adults, becoming parents. They have the absolute right to choose to share, nor not, as suits them.

Honestly, I don't know a gentle way to put this, but: none of this has anything to do with you.

It has *everything* to do with them.

They didn't have a baby with joining extended families together. They had a baby b/c they wanted a baby. For them. Not for anyone else. They're not making decisions based on your preferences, or her mother's preferences, or aunts or uncles. They're making choices that work best for *them*.

I put it as her uterus being nobody else's business, b/c it's true. B/c you're extended family *doesn't* make you entitled to any of her personal medical information. It simply doesn't. 

Just b/c they've chosen not to blast things out, or to share details has NOTHING to do with them being unhappy. It has everything to do with this is what they choose, this is what works for them, and what works for them is what matters. Nobody else is pregnant, or becoming new parents. They are.

They don't owe anyone anything. Not information, not visits, nada.

You chose to handle your pregnancies differently. That was your right, and your choice. But that doesn't mean anyone else has to make the same choices as you did, or that one choice is right or 'normal' compared to the other. They're personal decisions, and neither is wrong.

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59 minutes ago, britomart said:

I can understand how you would be in shock upon learning how different things are and they are very very different.  I am not a grandma.  I am a mom to 2 kids - 5 and 2 - and I can tell you that what your DIL and son are doing is pretty common.  

When I was pregnant with my second child, DH and I did not tell the due date and just gave an estimate - late summer - because of annoying my MIL was in the last days of my pregnancy the first time around.  We preferred that nobody know the exact date so they couldn't count down and pester us like my MIL did.  

These days it is also very common to use a birthing center instead of going to a hospital.  Home births are also very common.  One of my closest friends had a home birth and she said it was such a wonderful and peaceful experience.  I envy her because my hospital births were not like that.  I wish I had done a home birth with my first.  I think being in a hospital was very stressful and being hooked up to machines and being bothered by nurses every hour made me tense up and unable to relax so my baby could descend enough and partially led to a c-section.  My friend's home birth was peaceful and beautiful.  I also have friends who have had births in birthing centers.  Hospitals can tend to push interventions like epidurals, pitocin and other things that can lead to c-sections.  A lot more women these days want to go natural and try to avoid interventions and c-sections.  I think it is best to say nothing to your son or DIL about your concerns.  To say something would indicate to them that you think they are not intelligent or mature enough to make their own decisions.  Please let them make their own choices.  

I also did not tell anyone when I went into labor with my first child.  We didn't tell anyone until hours after he was born and I had a chance to rest, recover, and breastfeed.  I did not want to deal with people rushing in and interfering with my ability to bond and breastfeed.  I have a feeling that is what your son and DIL are trying to do - protect their ability to bond with their new baby and your DIL's ability to breastfeed.  If people are at the hospital there can be pressure on the laboring woman to deliver so they aren't kept around waiting.  Additionally, there is a risk that those people will try to get into the delivery room soon after birth and interfere with the new parents' ability to bond with the baby.  So, again, try to respect their decision and say nothing.  Try to be supportive.  

The 4th trimester is very important.  Please google it and learn about it and try to be supportive of your son and DIL.  The 4th trimester stresses the importance of skin-to-skin, bonding and not having others interfere with the new family.  Baby does not need anyone besides mom and dad.  Focus should be kept on those three and others need to be patient and wait to be invited in.  

I am going to give you some advice because I don't want you to upset and alienate your son and DIL.  Try to learn about what they are telling you.  Try to be understanding and supportive.  Don't be grabby with the baby.  Wait until they offer baby to you to be held.  Don't grab baby away from mom or dad.  Don't criticize their parenting choices.  Try to be the easy one who understands.  If you can understand and be supportive they will open up and let you in.  Don't barge in.  Let them invite you in.  

Thank you for your kind advise. I'm going to think about how I can follow it. At the moment I feel I am trying to step back, but it feels everything I do is wrong. My youngest sons girlfriend is one of the few who about the new baby, and I was talking to her about dils pregnancy, and when my son found out we were discussing it he got quite angry with me and said that its "not my news to be jibber jabbered about." 

I suppose I am from a generation that moved away from dangerous births and into hospitals, and putting yourself at risk for the mothers comfort is selfish to me, however I will research about home births and birth center too. And try to Keep an open mind. Thank you for your kindness.

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Just now, Grannygreensmith said:

Thank you for your kind advise. I'm going to think about how I can follow it. At the moment I feel I am trying to step back, but it feels everything I do is wrong. My youngest sons girlfriend is one of the few who about the new baby, and I was talking to her about dils pregnancy, and when my son found out we were discussing it he got quite angry with me and said that its "not my news to be jibber jabbered about." 

I suppose I am from a generation that moved away from dangerous births and into hospitals, and putting yourself at risk for the mothers comfort is selfish to me, however I will research about home births and birth center too. And try to Keep an open mind. Thank you for your kindness.

No.

A homebirth is not about putting somone at risk for the mother's comfort. Not even remotely.

Please do some research.

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8 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

I understand and agree with everything you say, I know I'm not entitled to anything, I just don't get why it has to be so cold. 

Its my understanding that family love and care about each other, and while of course medical information is private, why doesnt she WANT to share it voluntarily? Why does she think "it's my right to keep it private?" And not "how wonderful that a baby will join my and my husbands families together?" I do understand my son is just as responsible for this as she is though. He is really not a private person and that's why it's also so baffling.

Of course her uterus is none of my business, if you must put it like that, but doesn't the fact it's my grandchild to be, mean that I should be given just a little bit of the happy information? What would it hurt, really? Perhaps I just don't understand why she doesnt want people to know - is she unhappy about it?

We were never so closed up about Pregnancy - we were happy as a family and shared the happiness together. I suppose it's that lack of closeness I am feeling sad about - I can totelly understand the "it's her body and her right not to tell" line... I just never imagined it would happen to me.

You will be much happier if you gave them the "best light" treatment.  Try to see what they're doing in the best possible light- "They're enjoying some precious privacy" vs "why won't she share with me".  

And, yes, while the coming baby is your grandchild, it is their child.  If she doesn't want her medical information lobbed about as gossip, then your son is absolutely right to protect her privacy in that way.  It is not his information to give, it is his wife's information.  

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he got quite angry with me and said that its "not my news to be jibber jabbered about." 

It certainly sounds like your son is in agreement with maintaining their privacy.  I do believe I'd make sure not to be caught "jibber jabbering" in the future by leaving any pregnancy conversations up to them.  If they bring the subject up in conversation that would be the time to express your joy.  And I totally agree, wait for an invitation to meet the baby.  Our grandson is nearly 5 months old and we have only seen him three times.  DIL is good about sharing pics though.

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10 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

My youngest sons girlfriend is one of the few who about the new baby, and I was talking to her about dils pregnancy, and when my son found out we were discussing it he got quite angry with me and said that its "not my news to be jibber jabbered about."  He's fairly clear. No, not yours to talk about. Nothing about this is about you.

I suppose I am from a generation that moved away from dangerous births and into hospitals, and putting yourself at risk for the mothers comfort is selfish to me, however I will research about home births and birth center too. And try to Keep an open mind. Thank you for your kindness.

Did you just say home birthers are selfish, in a round-about way? Oh dear, you don't mean that do you?

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12 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Thank you for your kind advise. I'm going to think about how I can follow it. At the moment I feel I am trying to step back, but it feels everything I do is wrong. My youngest sons girlfriend is one of the few who about the new baby, and I was talking to her about dils pregnancy, and when my son found out we were discussing it he got quite angry with me and said that its "not my news to be jibber jabbered about." 

I suppose I am from a generation that moved away from dangerous births and into hospitals, and putting yourself at risk for the mothers comfort is selfish to me, however I will research about home births and birth center too. And try to Keep an open mind. Thank you for your kindness.

I'm glad you took the advice in the vein it was intended.  

I want to caution you against making judgments about a person's birth choices.  There is research that shows that c-sections have increased in hospitals in the modern era.  There are a lot of interventions now and some people think that the use of epidurals and other hospital interventions can lead to c-sections.  I don't know about you but I'm not a fan of surgery.  Recovering from a c-section is more unpleasant than recovering from natural birth and c-sections also have the risk of interfering with mom's ability to breastfeed.  The movement toward birthing centers and home births is not about mom's comfort.  It's about wanting to avoid unnecessary c-sections.  The choice to avoid unnecessary interventions is about the health and welfare of the baby.  The decision is not made lightly and is made with baby's health and welfare primarily in mind.  The idea behind natural unmedicated birth is that if you provide mom with a calm and relaxing environment then her body will relax and her cervix will be able to dilate.  The cervix is a sphincter and, like other sphincters, it is affected by stress and tension.  If a woman is under stress and is tense then she will not be able to relax and her cervix will have a more difficult time dilating and her chances of a c-section will increase.  So, it is not about mom's comfort.  It is about allowing baby to be born without interventions and avoiding a surgery.  

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1 minute ago, JanelleK said:

Did you just say home birthers are selfish, in a round-about way? Oh dear, you don't mean that do you?

Not selfish as such, but birth can be so dangerous. If something was to go wrong, surely it's better for it to go wrong in a hospital surrounded by doctors? I'm worried that dil or the baby will be hurt or worse by having her baby at home.

Perhaps I should say that As a mother I can't imagine putting my babies life at risk so that I could have a more pleasant experience. 

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Also, I think you will find that etiquette experts will land on the side of the parents.  

I went to a wedding this past weekend.  My kids have been to a few weddings, and this one was quite different from other weddings that they remember.  We had a conversation about how the only things that are completely necessary for a wedding are the couple and a marriage license.  That's it.  

In this case, the only people that are necessary once a woman is pregnant is the Mom to be and her medical team.  That's all.  Even dad is optional- went all the way to the Supreme Court that even the father of the child is not entitled to information or a front-row seat to labor and delivery.  Mom is the patient, until baby is born she's the ONLY patient.  As such, she is entitled to her privacy, and to be the "head chef" when it comes to her pregnancy choices, labor, and delivery.  Everyone other than medical team are her "sous chefs"- and sous chefs wait for instruction.  

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13 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

he got quite angry with me and said that its "not my news to be jibber jabbered about." 

It certainly sounds like your son is in agreement with maintaining their privacy.  I do believe I'd make sure not to be caught "jibber jabbering" in the future by leaving any pregnancy conversations up to them.  If they bring the subject up in conversation that would be the time to express your joy.  And I totally agree, wait for an invitation to meet the baby.  Our grandson is nearly 5 months old and we have only seen him three times.  DIL is good about sharing pics though.

I wasn't gossiping or being cruel. The sons Gf already knew the information I was passing on, as dil had told her personally before me. I felt it should have been me who was offended - I was the last to know! 

It is so strange that im being told to "not talk about this, even with people who already know about it" ... It's a happy thing! why on earth not? 

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1 minute ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Not selfish as such, but birth can be so dangerous. If something was to go wrong, surely it's better for it to go wrong in a hospital surrounded by doctors? I'm worried that dil or the baby will be hurt or worse by having her baby at home.

Perhaps I should say that As a mother I can't imagine putting my babies life at risk so that I could have a more pleasant experience. 

My husband works at a hospital.  He just got a letter that said he was exposed to a communicable disease last month.  Because, well, hospitals are where we keep the sick people, and the sick people have germs that could harm Mom or Baby.  

Birth Centers, and by extension those that work there or attend home births, have a vested interest in having positive outcomes.  They're not about to take risks with the lives of their patients any more than a doctor at a hospital.  

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1 hour ago, Grannygreensmith said:

I posted a greeting already on another board but wanted some opinions. 

 

My dil and son are pregnant with their first and we are all very excited but I'm finding a big generational gap between what I thought was normal and what young people are doing today. 

Some things are very strange to me and i wanted to ask some professional grandmas if they have heard of these, Before i go and put my foot in it again.

I have kept my tongue firmly held, so far, as per advice of this group, and tried to be supportive and in the background. I thought perhaps hearing about others experiences might make me understand better and not feel so hurt.

 

1- dil is very secretive about the pregnancy and won't give me information about her pregnancy and my future grandbaby. They only told us she was pregnant a month ago, and they said she is due "in the fall." I guess she must be about 6 months?

 I have pressed for a due date but they won't tell me, or anyone else. This is very strange to me. They know the gender but are keeping it a secret. When I ask how she is she always answers "fine" and gives no more information. 

 

2- I (and everyone else in the very small circle of people who know) have been banned from telling extended family or friends about it by phone or email or on the facebook. The parents to be say that they don't want it shared online (and also they refuse to make any kind of nice pregnancy announcement for family or friends.) i have so far managed to respect their wishes, but I am finding this quite uncomfortable. When people ask how my son is, what am I supposed to say? Such happy news and I can't share it. 

For me this is simply rude and bad etiquette. I asked my son, what are you going to do when the baby comes? And he replied after the baby comes THEN they will do a birth announcement via social media. I objected to this, and shared my opinion that I feel that immediate family deserve a personal phone call, and not to hear about it along with joe public but the subject was quickly changed.

Without trying to be "me me me", I wonder how my own family will feel recieving an announcement for someone they didn't know was pregnant? I know my dear sister especially will be very hurt and angry, that I knew and didn't tell. It seems like everyone announces babies online these days. Except Them. some of my friends who are also grandparents share scan photos, newborn photos and regular updates. Others like me have been banned from posting anything. It's so strange for me.

 

3- could someone explain about this whole fourth trimester thing? I don't quite comprehend.

I very tentatively brought up the subject of the birth. Obviously due to not knowing the due date I can't go to them when she is in labour, ( I didn't expect to be in the room, but wanted to wait outside - Google told me many ladies don't want this nowadays) so I wanted to go after baby comes of course to help with the baby and got told l will be told when i can come. I searched online and many grandmas seem to be being kept out of the birthing and newborn process now, especially if you are the mother of the father. She has hinted that they are not even going to tell anyone they are in labour!!! 

i asked which hospital they will be delivering at, and after much skirting around the issue it seems they might have baby at a new age birth center or even AT HOME. I'm so shocked that they would consider anything so dangerous. I'm scared about what might happen to my dil and my grandchild. It just seems so reckless.

All in al It's so different to when I was a young mother. I would never have spoken to my own mother and mother in law this way and said they can't come and can't do this or that. Pregnancy seems like it's not about welcoming a baby into the family anymore :( I don't understand why something so happy must be kept secret and private? 

Has anyone else been kept at arms length?

How do you cope with not having newborn baby cuddles and being so far removed from the excitement of a new baby? 

I'm looking forward to hearing your stories. 

Hi Granny,   I'm sorry that you're having problems dealing with all of this.  I now have 5 grands and it is a wonderful thing.  But, having gone thru it, I can tell you that much of what you're experiencing is not that unusual now.

I'm going to try and say this "gently".  From what you've posted, I'm getting the idea that while you want to be very involved (don't we all!, or most of us), many times, people can come on way too strong and, in return, get pushed away.  That sounds like what might be happening here.  I would try and take a BIG step back to give them the privacy that they want.  Yes, it'll be tough, but it will hopefully help things between you and them in the long run.

As far as them letting you know, I've had it both ways.  One son and DIL were very open, let all family know when labor started, called us to visit at hospital immediately after birth, welcomed both families into their home for visits whenever we wanted.

Other son, they were open with info, BUT for both of their children, we found out on Facebook, along with everyone else.  Yep, it hurt, but that's the way they did it.  In this technical age, many people do pretty much everything on social media, including announcements.  You have to admit that it's quick and easy and cheap.  

I was talking to a friend the other day, who is waiting for the birth of her first grandchild.  She was surprised that they had told family that they would call AFTER the birth, people could come and visit for a short time in the hospital.  But they did not want any visitors in the hope for the first two weeks. So yes, this is becoming the norm.   Does it make us Grandma/Nana's/etc feel good?  Not really.  But we have to accept what the new parents want.  We are family, but you have to remember that your son now has his own family and what he and DIL decide on are what their family want, not yours.  Tough to accept for us Nana's at times, but it is what it is.

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1 minute ago, Grannygreensmith said:

I wasn't gossiping or being cruel. The sons Gf already knew the information I was passing on, as dil had told her personally before me. I felt it should have been me who was offended - I was the last to know! 

It is so strange that im being told to "not talk about this, even with people who already know about it" ... It's a happy thing! why on earth not? 

Yes, it's a bit strange that they don't want you talking about the pregnancy with people who already know.  But they probably have their reasons.  You just don't know.  DIL may be high risk or there may be other issues involved with the pregnancy.  They may also have shared only certain information with the GF and more with you or vice versa, due to level of comfort and/or trust.  Either way, it's probably best not to talk about the pregnancy with others.  I know it's hard because you are happy and excited but your son and DIL may be dealing with other emotions.  For example, I've read about people who have high risk pregnancies not wanting to share the news until really late in the pregnancy because it would be really painful to have to go and tell people about the loss or to have people ask you about the baby after you have experienced a loss.  There could be lots of reasons they don't want you talking about it.  

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4 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Not selfish as such, but birth can be so dangerous. If something was to go wrong, surely it's better for it to go wrong in a hospital surrounded by doctors? I'm worried that dil or the baby will be hurt or worse by having her baby at home.

Perhaps I should say that As a mother I can't imagine putting my babies life at risk so that I could have a more pleasant experience. 

Oh dear. If you expressed any of this to your other son's gf, that is not a good thing. At all.

And no, a home birth, or a birthing centre is *not* putting baby's life at risk for a more pleasant experience.

Look: Your son is a smart, capable, loving man, yes? His wife, she's also smart, capable, loving? Do you REALLY think that either of them are so incredibly selfish, or ignorant, as to put their baby's life in jeapordy for *anything*? Really?

Have some trust in the man you raised, in the woman he married. I guarantee you, neither of them are so selfish or ignorant to make health care decisions based solely on what is most 'pleasant' for them.

1 minute ago, Grannygreensmith said:

I wasn't gossiping or being cruel. The sons Gf already knew the information I was passing on, as dil had told her personally before me. I felt it should have been me who was offended - I was the last to know! 

It is so strange that im being told to "not talk about this, even with people who already know about it" ... It's a happy thing! why on earth not? 

IF you were expressing the same feelings you have been here, your disappointment, or fears, or thinking homebirth is selfish, then yes, that's a huge problem, and absolutely will impact things.

I suspect discussing it w/the other son's gf may have damaged the trust and relationship btwn you, your ds, and DIL. Not saying it was intentional, but from his comment, it seems that he views it as having overstepped.

You're going to have to let go of what you thought would happen, what you want to happen, and accept what *is* happening. None of this is in your control, so accepting things as they are is really all you *can* do, and the healthiest thing you can do, in terms of your future relationship w/your ds and DIL.

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3 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Not selfish as such, but birth can be so dangerous. If something was to go wrong, surely it's better for it to go wrong in a hospital surrounded by doctors? I'm worried that dil or the baby will be hurt or worse by having her baby at home.

Perhaps I should say that As a mother I can't imagine putting my babies life at risk so that I could have a more pleasant experience. 

Home birth is not about mom having a pleasant experience. Really, it's not.

1 minute ago, britomart said:

Yes, it's a bit strange that they don't want you talking about the pregnancy with people who already know.  But they probably have their reasons.  You just don't know.  DIL may be high risk or there may be other issues involved with the pregnancy.  They may also have shared only certain information with the GF and more with you or vice versa, due to level of comfort and/or trust.  Either way, it's probably best not to talk about the pregnancy with others.  I know it's hard because you are happy and excited but your son and DIL may be dealing with other emotions.  For example, I've read about people who have high risk pregnancies not wanting to share the news until really late in the pregnancy because it would be really painful to have to go and tell people about the loss or to have people ask you about the baby after you have experienced a loss.  There could be lots of reasons they don't want you talking about it.  

Brito is so correct. Our DIL who had a still-birth recently has never spoken of it, our son only once for a minute.

7 minutes ago, Debs53 said:

I was talking to a friend the other day, who is waiting for the birth of her first grandchild.  She was surprised that they had told family that they would call AFTER the birth, people could come and visit for a short time in the hospital.  But they did not want any visitors in the hope for the first two weeks. So yes, this is becoming the norm.  

And really, it's probably a lot like we and our mom's did before the late 1970s.

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I worked in a Level 1 hospital with C-section capabilities. I don't think I EVER saw a birth that a midwife couldn't handle unless there was a pre-existing problem.

Midwives carefully select their patients for home birth. Usually they only accept low-risk, full-term moms. Many times they'll put an ambulance on call in case of a problem. If an issue develops they carry oxygen, IV equipment, and medications. (One midwife I heardrum about referred to herself as a "walking Level 1 hospital".) In our area to qualify for a home birth you must live within 30 minutes of a large urban center - usually even a stat C-section takes about 30 minutes to set up if you're in the hospital anyway.

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It is so strange that im being told to "not talk about this, even with people who already know about it" ... It's a happy thing! why on earth not? 

Because your son has asked you not to...good enough reason.

 

Edited by SueSTx
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As far as visiting in the hospital there are several reasons why DS and DIL may not want company:

1. Most hospitals don't have active nurseries anymore unless baby needs special care. Baby is kept with Mom. Mom may not be up to having company.

2. Hospital stays for a normal vaginal birth are often 24 hours or less. There's a lot of teaching and recovery to be accomplished in that time.

3. On-demand breastfeeding is recommended. This means Mom and baby don't have a set schedule. Establishing breastfeeding can take several days and Mom needs to be available. Bottles are not recommended as they can cause nipple confusion. Some moms literally go around topless for days - obviously not up to having company.

Edited by agnurse
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