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Grannygreensmith

Is this behaviour common in new parents nowadays?

742 posts in this topic

17 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

@Grannygreensmith - Have you responded to the announcement, at all, or decided if/how you will?

Terribly sorry - as I mentioned I took the weekend off to visit my friend. And then a few days more. After talking with Her and considering everything, i sent a small card and no present to dil and son, offering congratulaions and happy wishes, signed from me and my husband. Still no direct communication from them. 

 

Husband told me on the phone while I was away that my son and the girlfriend posted photos of their visit to see dil ds and the baby, but I have not looked and nor will i. I'm not going to enquire anything about how it went or the baby either, just to be safe.

 

I actually am going to start doing some voluntary work to fill up my time - I found a nice animal charity near me that I'm going to help out at once or twice a week.

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26 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Terribly sorry - as I mentioned I took the weekend off to visit my friend. And then a few days more. After talking with Her and considering everything, i sent a small card and no present to dil and son, offering congratulaions and happy wishes, signed from me and my husband. Still no direct communication from them. 

 

Husband told me on the phone while I was away that my son and the girlfriend posted photos of their visit to see dil ds and the baby, but I have not looked and nor will i. I'm not going to enquire anything about how it went or the baby either, just to be safe.

 

I actually am going to start doing some voluntary work to fill up my time - I found a nice animal charity near me that I'm going to help out at once or twice a week.

Sounds like you're handling this as well as can be expected, Granny,

Glad you're going to be doing some volunteer work! Not only is it a good thing to do, but many parents/GPs in strained/estranged relationships say it helps fill the void.... Peace,,,

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Just checking in, Granny, to see how you're doing and if you've been in touch w/ any of your sons or DIL...

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On 10/20/2016 at 0:22 AM, Grannygreensmith said:

Terribly sorry - as I mentioned I took the weekend off to visit my friend. And then a few days more. After talking with Her and considering everything, i sent a small card and no present to dil and son, offering congratulaions and happy wishes, signed from me and my husband. Still no direct communication from them. 

 

Husband told me on the phone while I was away that my son and the girlfriend posted photos of their visit to see dil ds and the baby, but I have not looked and nor will i. I'm not going to enquire anything about how it went or the baby either, just to be safe.

 

I actually am going to start doing some voluntary work to fill up my time - I found a nice animal charity near me that I'm going to help out at once or twice a week.

 

Hugs Granny, I am sorry this is so hard for you. I am wondering - is your Facebook account a positive or a negative in your life? Have you considered deleting it or taking a break from it?

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On 10/20/2016 at 11:22 PM, Grannygreensmith said:

I actually am going to start doing some voluntary work to fill up my time - I found a nice animal charity near me that I'm going to help out at once or twice a week.

This is a great idea.

Anything that fills your calendar is great. Hobbies, travel, volunteering, work, happy friends,  :good:

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Havnt written for a while because there have been no updates. There was no response to the card.

My son and the girlfriend went to visit the new parents and the baby, and a few days later came to visit us ( they were also picking up something they had in storage so I can't say it was "just" to gloat about it, although I certainly felt that way a little bit.) 

GF started talking about her visit with the new baby, to me, DH and my son and i said that it sounded lovely, and quickly excused myself to make everyone some tea (I have learned my lesson in regards to the girlfriend and anything that may be construed as gossiping - I felt that if I wasn't physically in the room I cant be accused of anything.) 

while I was in the kitchen GF continued talking, and talking, and talking... 

she was complaining that DIL was being a baby hog - she apparently had the baby in a wrap the whole time there were visitors and wouldn't let anyone hold him, even when gf asked directly, which GF was most upset about. My son was pretty quiet and didn't say much, but did make a comment that DIL was being "a bit strange" during the visit and didn't talk much. GF made a flippant comment that she seems a bit down in the dumps, but again, not touching that with a barge pole.

 Gf also blabbed that Although baby is nearly a month he has lost a lot of weight and still isn't back at his birth weight. I can't help but wonder if you were all right - maybe there ARE some medical issues, but I will never ask, of course

But During their visit I made no comment whatsoever, asked no questions, and when I returned with the tea and cake, promptly changed the subject. Feeling rather proud of myself. I really feel like GF was sitting with a fishing rod, feeding us little worms of information, and waiting for something to take a big bite. I resisted this time.

my sweet son showed me a photo of the baby before he left too, I think he is picking up on things.

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On October 27, 2016 at 3:27 AM, JanelleK said:

This is a great idea.

Anything that fills your calendar is great. Hobbies, travel, volunteering, work, happy friends,  :good:

Yes! I've only been twice, but I rather enjoyed it.

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On October 27, 2016 at 1:28 AM, PinkRedYellow said:

Hugs Granny, I am sorry this is so hard for you. I am wondering - is your Facebook account a positive or a negative in your life? Have you considered deleting it or taking a break from it?

I have taken a break from it. If I'm honest I really didn't use it that much until recently, but I'm back to only checking once or twice a week again.  

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11 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Havnt written for a while because there have been no updates. There was no response to the card.

My son and the girlfriend went to visit the new parents and the baby, and a few days later came to visit us ( they were also picking up something they had in storage so I can't say it was "just" to gloat about it, although I certainly felt that way a little bit.) 

GF started talking about her visit with the new baby, to me, DH and my son and i said that it sounded lovely, and quickly excused myself to make everyone some tea (I have learned my lesson in regards to the girlfriend and anything that may be construed as gossiping - I felt that if I wasn't physically in the room I cant be accused of anything.) 

while I was in the kitchen GF continued talking, and talking, and talking... 

she was complaining that DIL was being a baby hog - she apparently had the baby in a wrap the whole time there were visitors and wouldn't let anyone hold him, even when gf asked directly, which GF was most upset about. My son was pretty quiet and didn't say much, but did make a comment that DIL was being "a bit strange" during the visit and didn't talk much. GF made a flippant comment that she seems a bit down in the dumps, but again, not touching that with a barge pole.

 Gf also blabbed that Although baby is nearly a month he has lost a lot of weight and still isn't back at his birth weight. I can't help but wonder if you were all right - maybe there ARE some medical issues, but I will never ask, of course

But During their visit I made no comment whatsoever, asked no questions, and when I returned with the tea and cake, promptly changed the subject. Feeling rather proud of myself. I really feel like GF was sitting with a fishing rod, feeding us little worms of information, and waiting for something to take a big bite. I resisted this time.

my sweet son showed me a photo of the baby before he left too, I think he is picking up on things.

You handled that situation beautifully, Grannygreen- Flawlessly- No matter what may or may not be happening in their lives (DS/DIL) at this time I'm happy to see you resisted trying to find out because truly it could be anything- Anything at all- Even many things-

Happy for you! You're resilient! :)

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GF needs a bit of a reality check. A mother can't hog her own baby. Baby isn't a toy, or a time share that other folks have rights to. For cryin in the mud, this was a PREEMIE! He doesn't benefit, at all, from others visiting or holding him, indeed, being a preemie, it can be more hazardous to him than the average infant, who *also* doesn't benefit at all from visitors or being passed around. He's not even a month old yet, and in actuality, hasn't even hit his due date yet, being five weeks early!

As for being a bit strange, quiet or down, she just had a premature baby, what, 3 weeks ago? She's probably freakin exhausted, and if he's having problems w/weight gain, anxious as all heck.

Oy. 

You handled it beautifully, imo. 

 

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37 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Havnt written for a while because there have been no updates. There was no response to the card.

My son and the girlfriend went to visit the new parents and the baby, and a few days later came to visit us ( they were also picking up something they had in storage so I can't say it was "just" to gloat about it, although I certainly felt that way a little bit.) 

GF started talking about her visit with the new baby, to me, DH and my son and i said that it sounded lovely, and quickly excused myself to make everyone some tea (I have learned my lesson in regards to the girlfriend and anything that may be construed as gossiping - I felt that if I wasn't physically in the room I cant be accused of anything.) 

while I was in the kitchen GF continued talking, and talking, and talking... 

she was complaining that DIL was being a baby hog - she apparently had the baby in a wrap the whole time there were visitors and wouldn't let anyone hold him, even when gf asked directly, which GF was most upset about. My son was pretty quiet and didn't say much, but did make a comment that DIL was being "a bit strange" during the visit and didn't talk much. GF made a flippant comment that she seems a bit down in the dumps, but again, not touching that with a barge pole.

 Gf also blabbed that Although baby is nearly a month he has lost a lot of weight and still isn't back at his birth weight. I can't help but wonder if you were all right - maybe there ARE some medical issues, but I will never ask, of course

But During their visit I made no comment whatsoever, asked no questions, and when I returned with the tea and cake, promptly changed the subject. Feeling rather proud of myself. I really feel like GF was sitting with a fishing rod, feeding us little worms of information, and waiting for something to take a big bite. I resisted this time.

my sweet son showed me a photo of the baby before he left too, I think he is picking up on things.

Well, who's "gossiping" now? GF, no doubt! Not that this changes anything that happened previously. But glad you were wise enough to remove yourself from the room and not get drawn into the conversation. Kudos!

FWIW, it's not unusual for parents to keep their new baby swaddled or in a baby sling when there are visitors. Some parents are adverse to playing "pass the baby," due to concerns about baby's comfort and, of course, germs. If there are medical issues, this might be of particular concern. Like Imp, I can't agree w/ GF's calling DIL a "baby hog" for keeping her own baby close to her. IMO, that's a new parent's prerogative. GF needs to change her attitude or she may find herself distanced from DIL, etc.

Not suggesting that you say this ^^^^ to GF, of course, or to YDS either. As you say, yourself, better for you not to engage in discussing DIL, etc. w/ them, at all.

Sorry to hear that GS is having difficulty gaining weight. If DIL is "down in the dumps," this might very well be why, as Imp suggests. She could also be suffering from PPD. Again, very wise of you not to ask about any of this.  In fact, IMO, it's all the more reason to give them space.

Praying for that baby (if that's ok) and wishing all of you the best!

P.S. Glad you got to see a picture! :)

 

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57 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

GF needs a bit of a reality check. A mother can't hog her own baby. Baby isn't a toy, or a time share that other folks have rights to. For cryin in the mud, this was a PREEMIE! He doesn't benefit, at all, from others visiting or holding him, indeed, being a preemie, it can be more hazardous to him than the average infant, who *also* doesn't benefit at all from visitors or being passed around. He's not even a month old yet, and in actuality, hasn't even hit his due date yet, being five weeks early!

As for being a bit strange, quiet or down, she just had a premature baby, what, 3 weeks ago? She's probably freakin exhausted, and if he's having problems w/weight gain, anxious as all heck.

Oy. 

You handled it beautifully, imo. 

 

Yes I agree with what you wrote. I actually felt gf was looking for a response from me, although maybe I'm being over sensitive. 

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49 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

Well, who's "gossiping" now? GF, no doubt! Not that this changes anything that happened previously. But glad you were wise enough to remove yourself from the room and not get drawn into the conversation. Kudos!

FWIW, it's not unusual for parents to keep their new baby swaddled or in a baby sling when there are visitors. Some parents are adverse to playing "pass the baby," due to concerns about baby's comfort and, of course, germs. If there are medical issues, this might be of particular concern. Like Imp, I can't agree w/ GF's calling DIL a "baby hog" for keeping her own baby close to her. IMO, that's a new parent's prerogative. GF needs to change her attitude or she may find herself distanced from DIL, etc.

Not suggesting that you say this ^^^^ to GF, of course, or to YDS either. As you say, yourself, better for you not to engage in discussing DIL, etc. w/ them, at all.

Sorry to hear that GS is having difficulty gaining weight. If DIL is "down in the dumps," this might very well be why, as Imp suggests. She could also be suffering from PPD. Again, very wise of you not to ask about any of this.  In fact, IMO, it's all the more reason to give them space.

Praying for that baby (if that's ok) and wishing all of you the best!

P.S. Glad you got to see a picture! :)

 

Indeed! Lovely baby! And I'm not commenting on anything.

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On October 30, 2016 at 0:44 AM, Grannygreensmith said:

Yes I agree with what you wrote. I actually felt gf was looking for a response from me, although maybe I'm being over sensitive. 

I'd trust your gut on this one, GGS.  She might not have been consciously fishing, but it sounds like she might be all about gossip, drama, and triangulating so she'll have the upper hand. She might still be maturing, or she could be stuck this way. Only time will tell.

In the meantime.....Like the others said-- BRAVO!!!! You did an absolutely outstanding job of handling your DS's GF. Keep it up, you're doing beautifully. Beige, bean dip, happily excuse yourself on a little errand or chore you forgot if it gets sticky.

Keep steering the course, and I believe you will find that GF implodes herself. As the others pointed out, she exposed herself as having committed a lot of cardinal sins as she complained all about your DIL. Your DIL doesn't sound like she suffers fools or drama queens gladly, and she sounds like she prefers quietness, might be a bit shy or reserved, etc. And here was your DIL crashing in like a freight train, asking to hold the baby, probably remarking on its weight (which might have sounded like criticism to your DIL), and I bet dollars to doughnuts your DIL sensed GF was being a pill for not being indulged with holding the baby.

GF just sounds really immature. Or maybe she's a mean girl. Either way, kudos to you for winning this victory.

If you do come in contact with DIL and DS, it sounds like DIL would appreciate a presence that's quiet, patient, politely concerned, and most of all, understanding without being invasive (like, telling her you understand, for instance. She might think you're presuming to know more than you actually would, and she sounds like she prefers to be guarded).

GGS, I really, REALLY hope things get better for you. And I hope GF grows the heck up, already.

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On 10/16/2016 at 7:48 PM, PLS21 said:

Don't want to do the 'time', don't do the 'crime'. If you don't want to get in trouble then don't do the thing that would get you into trouble.

One step further..If a child witnesses a crime should they not tell on the criminal? Does the criminal deserve an apology?

An as others brought up, if information about ggs talking about dil to GF should not be free flowing, then there shouldn't be anger over the other DS knowing before her about the birth and not telling her. That's being inconsistent.

It matters if the gf called the dil right away and told her that GGG was talking about the pregnancy or if dil asked her then the gf didn't want to be dishonest and lie and say "No"

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I was informed today by my daughter - via TEXT message - that we would not be invited to visit her twins to be born on Monday until the next day.  Bonding time and C-Section recovery is the excuse, underscored by the fact that they've lost three babies in second trimester.  Now this daughter is adopted and we did not have the opportunity to be with her as a newborn.  I have not asked for an entire day - only five minutes for the grandfather and I to glimpse these infants - but you would think we had asked to bring the sideshow over for the day.   If she had been talking about this all along, and explained why, I might have been more receptive but to learn by text two days before the due date was an insult.  After all, she's been living with us for four months now.  I have taken her to all but one doctor's appointment, cooked her meals, listened to her aches and pains, purchased baby items and my friends threw her a nice shower.   I am so disappointed.  I have a husband who is suffering from dementia, and an adult daughter with mental retardation, and the birth of these babies (who won't be living in our home town) is just about all I have had to look forward to.  I think she is being selfish and thoughtless and she thinks I am being controlling, selfish and insensitive.  I finally gave in, and agreed that this wouldn't create a rift between us (it will, no matter what we say).   She's right, it's only one day.  But it's a very big day.  Guess we'll go bowling and I'll go to book club after all . . . what do other grandparents think???? 

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Posted (edited)

I'm sorry you found our site under such circumstances commtexx.

How exciting that your daughter is scheduled to give birth to twins on Monday.  Don't you just know how excited and scared she must be after loosing three babies in the second trimester.  Can you really blame her for wanting to have a few hours to bond before she welcomes company?

Have you ever had a Csection?  I have had two and it isn't the most comfortable surgery in the world.  The bonus is that you have a baby/babies to hold and love while you recover.

I urge you to not give your daughter anything else to worry about the first couple of days after the delivery.  Babies really don't change that much in the first week or so.  Maybe she just doesn't feel up to having you, your husband and your daughter all converging that first day.  You have been so good to welcome her into your home for the last four months and to give her a shower and such.

I know you don't want to be remembered as being selfish, thoughtless, controlling and insensitive.  Going bowling or to the book club might be a great idea and just let her know that you will wait to visit until she feels like having company.  You don't want to jeopardize the next 18 years of your grandchildren's lives for a five minute visit on Monday.

We do ask members not to bump up threads more than three months old, so I am going to lock this.  Please feel free to look around the site and respond to newer posts so you can amass your 10 posts and start your own thread.

Again welcome.

 

Edited by SueSTx
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