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Grannygreensmith

Is this behaviour common in new parents nowadays?

742 posts in this topic

Sue is 110% correct.

My issues with mil aside, if I needed help for any reason, I would call her and trust her to be there for us. She might make me crazy but the worst of her behavior has been resolved...and even at its worst, when her attitude and behavior towards me just broke my heart, she was always still refer able to my own mother.

My mother doesn't make the list of people to call if I need help...ever. She is an entirely untrustworthy person. Even if I'm dying, call my SIL...my cousin...by best friend living 5 states away....my FIL. I don't want my mom.

its absolutely about personalities, not about titles.

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20 hours ago, PLS21 said:

I think a huge issue comes from that stupid saying "a daughter is a daughter all her life, but a son is a son til he takes a wife." 

 I think having that saying in the the back of your mind has a way to where there is no chance of a relationship for DIL and MIL before it even begins.

I hate that expression, it's so untrue. I LOVE all my children, my daughters are no more special than my sons.

18 hours ago, Skatie said:

Sue is 110% correct..... its absolutely about personalities, not about titles.

I agree with Sue also.

Sue has seen her DS family very often for a LD GP. The reason is probably because she's pleasant and easy.

She makes herself available to babysit (LD) while the new baby is born and later for her GD camping sleepover, goes to the Baptism, allows them to visit before school starts. It seems to me she goes with the proverbial flow. And imo, that's what good GPs do.

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Sorry for the delay in reply. I dont use the Internet very regularly, and if I'm honest still don't completely understand it.

I read and wish to answer some questions - about the step daughter, me and my husband have not discussed this with any of my kids. They know they have a step-sister they havnt met but nothing more. He would never allow me to discuss her around them, and we really don't see my adult sons that often anyway at our place. They get bigger and spread their wings, I suppose. 

I highly doubt the whole "find by wifi thing" will be an issue too. I don't really understand how that works though.

i just want to clarify I'm not trying to take the step grand children away from their mother - I just wanted to help my husband reunite With his daughter and meet his grandchildren and give him some legal options and advice. 

I wasn't trying to push. I value family above all else and am very much in the more the merrier camp - I would love us to all get along. Although I have to say i am trying to put it to the back of my mind. We are married and it hurts to see him in pain - I feel he is in pain at the moment with this new baby on the way - and merely wished to support him. 

Someone said something about Co and Ldp? I didn't understand that part. 

I will admit some of the comments above are saddening and very hard to read. It doesn't seem like I'm reading about myself. I feel like I'm being made to be a evil dragon, but that is not my intention. In my opinion, All my mistakes seem to stem from my own trying to help, but i always seem to go wrong, or too far. 

I have been thinking alot about my own inability to have a daughter a lot recently, especially with dil being pregnant, and me and my therapist can hopefully work through it in my next session. I must admit I have still been looking at my step daughters page again, I know that It's not good, although not a lot is available for me to see. I'm very much going to try to stop - as I know it's not healthy. In the one or two photos I have seen her children are beautiful and resemble my husband a lot, and although I know it's impossible i would very much still like to meet her and her children one day. But i will never tell my husband of course. I pray one day a peaceful reconciliation will come. 

as for the trust issue. I still don't know what was meant. I didn't share anything with the girlfriend she didn't know, so I can only assume that it's the talking about her pregnancy which is seen as a problem - I'm not supposed to talk about things, but im so excited and desperate to share! My husband doesn't have the same enthusiasm as me ( I suspect because of the other step daughter issue) and I just want to talk about how excited I am. 

Some of the younger ladies on the board are quite vocal and it's both shocking and enlightening to me - I wonder, do you tell your own mother in laws or mothers how you feel about them? 

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27 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

i just want to clarify I'm not trying to take the step grand children away from their mother - I just wanted to help my husband reunite With his daughter and meet his grandchildren and give him some legal options and advice. Typically, GP rights are seen as an attempt to circumvent the parents wishes. If the GKs parents desired the GK would visit your DH - thus GP rights is trying to counter parental rights.

I wasn't trying to push. I value family above all else and am very much in the more the merrier camp - I would love us to all get along. Not everyone feels the same. My YDS and his wife would view your actions as pushy. VERY pushy.

as for the trust issue. I still don't know what was meant. I didn't share anything with the girlfriend she didn't know, so I can only assume that it's the talking about her pregnancy which is seen as a problem - I'm not supposed to talk about things, but im so excited and desperate to share! My husband doesn't have the same enthusiasm as me ( I suspect because of the other step daughter issue) and I just want to talk about how excited I am. 

Some of the younger ladies on the board are quite vocal and it's both shocking and enlightening to me

The trust issue: Any single word that one says about a person's personal information, when that person is not present, is a word of gossip. Your son asked you to refrain from talking about his and DILs private medical information. Somehow, not clear to me, he found out you indeed gossiped with the girlfriend. You jibber jabbered his private life. That makes you untrustworthy, you did opposite what he asked.

I don't think it's fair to blame the younger women here for telling you what you very much don't want to hear. I'm probably the oldest MIL/GM (67+) here and I tend to agree with almost everything in this thread.

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As for the trust issue, it's really very simple.

They ASKED you not to talk to others about it. You did.

WHY you did, your excitement, etc, doesn't negate the fact that you did what they asked you not to do. By trying to excuse it by saying you were excited is essentially saying that YOUR feelings are more important than THEIR feelings...which was that they DIDN'T want you spreading the news, or gossiping about them.

What you want about your DIL's pregnancy, about them having a baby, is not, and never will be, more important than what they want.

And that's the boundary you broke.

I still can't figure out, from what you've posted, what your motive was. At first, it seemed as though you didn't know that the gf was aware of the pregnancy. So, you were attempting to announce on their behalf, to someone that you thought didn't know. Then, you said that you were hoping to get more info from the gf than you had, so you were, again, attempting to get around their boundary with you, by pumping the gf.

None of that is ok. That's you disrespecting their decisions, their boundaries, and it's not going to end well, if you continue along this path.

How you feel is not more important than how they feel about their pregnancy, their child.

 

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CO is "cut off"...I assume since your step-daughter does not try to contact her father, she may feel that either she has been cut off from him...or maybe she has cut him off from her and her family.

TO is a time out...just like you would put a child in a time out  Some people of both generations can be toxic and sometimes the people that have to deal with them need a little time away to catch their breath.

LDP would be long distance parent or grandparent.  I raised my two 500 miles from my family and I am only 100 miles from two of my grandkids.  I do not consider that "long distance", but you don't spend just a couple of hours together to go out to eat etc either.

You can find a list of more acronyms pinned at the top of the forum

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11 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Sorry for the delay in reply. I dont use the Internet very regularly, and if I'm honest still don't completely understand it.

I read and wish to answer some questions - about the step daughter, me and my husband have not discussed this with any of my kids. They know they have a step-sister they havnt met but nothing more. He would never allow me to discuss her around them, and we really don't see my adult sons that often anyway at our place. They get bigger and spread their wings, I suppose. 

I highly doubt the whole "find by wifi thing" will be an issue too. I don't really understand how that works though.

i just want to clarify I'm not trying to take the step grand children away from their mother - I just wanted to help my husband reunite With his daughter and meet his grandchildren and give him some legal options and advice. 

I wasn't trying to push. I value family above all else and am very much in the more the merrier camp - I would love us to all get along. Although I have to say i am trying to put it to the back of my mind. We are married and it hurts to see him in pain - I feel he is in pain at the moment with this new baby on the way - and merely wished to support him. 

Someone said something about Co and Ldp? I didn't understand that part. 

I will admit some of the comments above are saddening and very hard to read. It doesn't seem like I'm reading about myself. I feel like I'm being made to be a evil dragon, but that is not my intention. In my opinion, All my mistakes seem to stem from my own trying to help, but i always seem to go wrong, or too far. 

I have been thinking alot about my own inability to have a daughter a lot recently, especially with dil being pregnant, and me and my therapist can hopefully work through it in my next session. I must admit I have still been looking at my step daughters page again, I know that It's not good, although not a lot is available for me to see. I'm very much going to try to stop - as I know it's not healthy. In the one or two photos I have seen her children are beautiful and resemble my husband a lot, and although I know it's impossible i would very much still like to meet her and her children one day. But i will never tell my husband of course. I pray one day a peaceful reconciliation will come. 

as for the trust issue. I still don't know what was meant. I didn't share anything with the girlfriend she didn't know, so I can only assume that it's the talking about her pregnancy which is seen as a problem - I'm not supposed to talk about things, but im so excited and desperate to share! My husband doesn't have the same enthusiasm as me ( I suspect because of the other step daughter issue) and I just want to talk about how excited I am. 

Some of the younger ladies on the board are quite vocal and it's both shocking and enlightening to me - I wonder, do you tell your own mother in laws or mothers how you feel about them? 

Ok, it's good that you haven't discussed the situation with your step-daughter with your sons or DIL.  I think what people mean with the wi-fi is that if someone logs on to your wi-fi they can see the history in your internet browser and thus, see what you've been researching.  I could be wrong but that is what it sounds like.  I'm not very technically savvy.  

CO means "cut off."  It's means never seeing or talking to a person again. Not sure what LDP is.  Maybe you meant VLC which is Very Low Contact.  That's when you cut down on communication and visits with someone and see/speak to them only very rarely.  

I'm so sorry that reading the comments made you feel like an evil dragon.  I can understand that you're just very excited and want to be close with your son, DIL and the new grandbaby.  I don't think the comments were meant to make you feel evil but were strongly worded because people here don't want you to continue on the path you are on and make things worse.  Sometimes, we use strong words here to sort of "wake up" a person to how their behavior may be harming a relationship.  I think that is the case with some of the more strongly worded posts.  

I can understand wanting to help and be involved out of love for a person or people but sometimes we have to step outside ourselves and realize that what we see has help isn't really help to another person.  People are different and want/need different things and it's important to try to see things from the other person's perspective if we want to have a good relationship with them.  And even if we cannot understand it's important to try to respect those differences  

I know that when you suggested Grandparents Rights (GPR) you were trying to help your husband reunite with his daughter.  However, you have to understand that GPR are a very serious thing.  They are not to be undertaken lightly because it involves taking someone to court and involving them in a long, exhausting and expensive court process.  GPR take away rights from the parents and give them to the grandparents.  That is why the court gets involved.  Suing someone for GPR means that you are trying to take away their parental rights to their own children.  Can you see how telling us that you were suggesting this to your husband would alarm a lot of us who have young children?  Don't you find it a bit alarming - to ask a court to take away rights to your own child?  Wouldn't it have bothered you if someone had done that to you?  Taken you to court, forcing you to pay fees for an attorney and go through a very long and emotionally draining legal process because they want to take away rights to your child?  Try to see it from that perspective and I think you will understand why we were so alarmed and upset.  

I know it must be hard to contain your excitement at becoming a grandma.  I can see how it is an exciting thing.  But, you really need to try to calm down a bit.  Have you thought about doing something to channel that excitement and energy?  Maybe you can take up a hobby or an activity that would help you have something else to do and a way to channel the excitement.  I would also suggest just taking a step back and not really offering help or anything else.  Just wait for them to ask you for help or advice or your opinion.  

And, yes, we are a vocal bunch here.  I can tell you that I am definitely this vocal with my own mother.  We have had some serious blow outs in my adulthood and it has taken a while for her to get to the point where she respects me as an autonomous adult and capable parent.  It hasn't been easy.  So, yes, I am pretty straight-forward with my mother, although I have to be less so these days because she has learned that I will ask if I need help or advice or her opinion on something.  As for my MIL, I don't really talk to her much.  I don't speak with her on the phone or text or email her.  I speak with her only when I visit with my husband and kids and they are pleasant visits.  We don't really talk about much more than surface things.

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22 hours ago, PLS21 said:

I think a huge issue comes from that stupid saying "a daughter is a daughter all her life, but a son is a son til he takes a wife." 

I do think it has a way of changing actions when you enter into a relationship thinking you are 'losing' something. Maybe not even consciously change of actions. I think having that saying in the the back of your mind has a way to where there is no chance of a relationship for DIL and MIL before it even begins.

Approaching an IL relationship with this attitude is setting things up to fail. You are going to look at every little thing as "I'm being excluded!" when it has nothing to do with that. That saying needs to just go away. I actually know plenty of women IRL who have great relationships with their ILs and spend all kinds of time with them willingly. I unfortunately am not one of those women, but if you approach your son's marriage with that kind of attitude it's never going to go well. 

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1 hour ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Sorry for the delay in reply. I dont use the Internet very regularly, and if I'm honest still don't completely understand it.

I read and wish to answer some questions - about the step daughter, me and my husband have not discussed this with any of my kids. They know they have a step-sister they havnt met but nothing more. He would never allow me to discuss her around them, and we really don't see my adult sons that often anyway at our place. They get bigger and spread their wings, I suppose. 

I highly doubt the whole "find by wifi thing" will be an issue too. I don't really understand how that works though.

i just want to clarify I'm not trying to take the step grand children away from their mother - I just wanted to help my husband reunite With his daughter and meet his grandchildren and give him some legal options and advice. 

I wasn't trying to push. I value family above all else and am very much in the more the merrier camp - I would love us to all get along. Although I have to say i am trying to put it to the back of my mind. We are married and it hurts to see him in pain - I feel he is in pain at the moment with this new baby on the way - and merely wished to support him. 

Someone said something about Co and Ldp? I didn't understand that part. 

I will admit some of the comments above are saddening and very hard to read. It doesn't seem like I'm reading about myself. I feel like I'm being made to be a evil dragon, but that is not my intention. In my opinion, All my mistakes seem to stem from my own trying to help, but i always seem to go wrong, or too far. 

I have been thinking alot about my own inability to have a daughter a lot recently, especially with dil being pregnant, and me and my therapist can hopefully work through it in my next session. I must admit I have still been looking at my step daughters page again, I know that It's not good, although not a lot is available for me to see. I'm very much going to try to stop - as I know it's not healthy. In the one or two photos I have seen her children are beautiful and resemble my husband a lot, and although I know it's impossible i would very much still like to meet her and her children one day. But i will never tell my husband of course. I pray one day a peaceful reconciliation will come. 

as for the trust issue. I still don't know what was meant. I didn't share anything with the girlfriend she didn't know, so I can only assume that it's the talking about her pregnancy which is seen as a problem - I'm not supposed to talk about things, but im so excited and desperate to share! My husband doesn't have the same enthusiasm as me ( I suspect because of the other step daughter issue) and I just want to talk about how excited I am. 

Some of the younger ladies on the board are quite vocal and it's both shocking and enlightening to me - I wonder, do you tell your own mother in laws or mothers how you feel about them? 

I just wanted to touch on a few things here, lessons I learned from the early days after becoming a mom and the issues I had with my MIL.

She had expectations, they weren't met, and very much believes that "a son is a son until...." garbage. It coloured her perspective and we had no intention of excluding her, but her ridiculous behaviour made me take a step back from her and that's pretty well going to stay that way permanently now. Although I understood her feelings, the way she handled them was childish and immature. Feelings are feelings - I get why you feel disappointed when this is not going the way you thought it would. But how you handle those feelings is going to determine how this goes. We tend to remember how people in our lives behave around significant events - weddings, births, deaths, etc. For whatever reason, your DS doesn't feel he can trust you, and I highly doubt he came to this conclusion just because you were discussing DIL's pregnancy with GF. And by your own admission, this was not some innocent just discussing things you both already knew situation. You were secretly hoping to circumvent your DS and DIL's wishes to satisfy your own wants. 

My advice? Think long term. In 5 years do you want a relationship with DS and his family? Respecting their wishes now is what's going to get you that. Is pushing and pressuring to get info *right now* worth tossing that long term relationship under the bus? 

And to answer your question, if my mom was bugging me, I told her she was bugging me and to back off, and we were all over it very quickly. If I was acting like a donkey butt, my mom would tell me I was acting like a donkey butt. My DH wouldn't allow me to tell my MIL when she was bugging me, which caused even more issues, and I'm at a point of not caring if I ever lay eyes on her again. 

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1 hour ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Sorry for the delay in reply. I dont use the Internet very regularly, and if I'm honest still don't completely understand it.

I read and wish to answer some questions - about the step daughter, me and my husband have not discussed this with any of my kids. They know they have a step-sister they havnt met but nothing more. He would never allow me to discuss her around them, and we really don't see my adult sons that often anyway at our place. They get bigger and spread their wings, I suppose. 

I highly doubt the whole "find by wifi thing" will be an issue too. I don't really understand how that works though.

i just want to clarify I'm not trying to take the step grand children away from their mother - I just wanted to help my husband reunite With his daughter and meet his grandchildren and give him some legal options and advice. 

I wasn't trying to push. I value family above all else and am very much in the more the merrier camp - I would love us to all get along. Although I have to say i am trying to put it to the back of my mind. We are married and it hurts to see him in pain - I feel he is in pain at the moment with this new baby on the way - and merely wished to support him. 

Someone said something about Co and Ldp? I didn't understand that part. 

I will admit some of the comments above are saddening and very hard to read. It doesn't seem like I'm reading about myself. I feel like I'm being made to be a evil dragon, but that is not my intention. In my opinion, All my mistakes seem to stem from my own trying to help, but i always seem to go wrong, or too far. 

I have been thinking alot about my own inability to have a daughter a lot recently, especially with dil being pregnant, and me and my therapist can hopefully work through it in my next session. I must admit I have still been looking at my step daughters page again, I know that It's not good, although not a lot is available for me to see. I'm very much going to try to stop - as I know it's not healthy. In the one or two photos I have seen her children are beautiful and resemble my husband a lot, and although I know it's impossible i would very much still like to meet her and her children one day. But i will never tell my husband of course. I pray one day a peaceful reconciliation will come. 

as for the trust issue. I still don't know what was meant. I didn't share anything with the girlfriend she didn't know, so I can only assume that it's the talking about her pregnancy which is seen as a problem - I'm not supposed to talk about things, but im so excited and desperate to share! My husband doesn't have the same enthusiasm as me ( I suspect because of the other step daughter issue) and I just want to talk about how excited I am. 

Some of the younger ladies on the board are quite vocal and it's both shocking and enlightening to me - I wonder, do you tell your own mother in laws or mothers how you feel about them? 

And you might not be reading about yourself, you might be reading what others think they see- In the end it's up to you to decide if what you are reading accurately describes you and your current situation accurately- I highly doubt you're an evil dragon :) Just disenchanted at this point in time -- and who hasn't experienced that?! Hang in there!

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14 minutes ago, NewMama said:

I just wanted to touch on a few things here, lessons I learned from the early days after becoming a mom and the issues I had with my MIL.

She had expectations, they weren't met, and very much believes that "a son is a son until...." garbage. It coloured her perspective and we had no intention of excluding her, but her ridiculous behaviour made me take a step back from her and that's pretty well going to stay that way permanently now. Although I understood her feelings, the way she handled them was childish and immature. Feelings are feelings - I get why you feel disappointed when this is not going the way you thought it would. But how you handle those feelings is going to determine how this goes. We tend to remember how people in our lives behave around significant events - weddings, births, deaths, etc. For whatever reason, your DS doesn't feel he can trust you, and I highly doubt he came to this conclusion just because you were discussing DIL's pregnancy with GF. And by your own admission, this was not some innocent just discussing things you both already knew situation. You were secretly hoping to circumvent your DS and DIL's wishes to satisfy your own wants. 

My advice? Think long term. In 5 years do you want a relationship with DS and his family? Respecting their wishes now is what's going to get you that. Is pushing and pressuring to get info *right now* worth tossing that long term relationship under the bus? 

And to answer your question, if my mom was bugging me, I told her she was bugging me and to back off, and we were all over it very quickly. If I was acting like a donkey butt, my mom would tell me I was acting like a donkey butt. My DH wouldn't allow me to tell my MIL when she was bugging me, which caused even more issues, and I'm at a point of not caring if I ever lay eyes on her again. 

2

Grannygreensmith, everyone here is trying to help you. This isn't a community that is going to say "there, there we're so sorry they're not giving you what you  want/deserve" We are trying to help you see that you can only control you - your actions, your comments, tone of voice and attitude. Do yourself a huge favor and reread the bolded and take it to heart. 

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2 hours ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Sorry for the delay in reply. I dont use the Internet very regularly, and if I'm honest still don't completely understand it.

I read and wish to answer some questions - about the step daughter, me and my husband have not discussed this with any of my kids. They know they have a step-sister they havnt met but nothing more. He would never allow me to discuss her around them, and we really don't see my adult sons that often anyway at our place. They get bigger and spread their wings, I suppose. 

I highly doubt the whole "find by wifi thing" will be an issue too. I don't really understand how that works though.

i just want to clarify I'm not trying to take the step grand children away from their mother - I just wanted to help my husband reunite With his daughter and meet his grandchildren and give him some legal options and advice. 

I wasn't trying to push. I value family above all else and am very much in the more the merrier camp - I would love us to all get along. Although I have to say i am trying to put it to the back of my mind. We are married and it hurts to see him in pain - I feel he is in pain at the moment with this new baby on the way - and merely wished to support him. 

Someone said something about Co and Ldp? I didn't understand that part. 

I will admit some of the comments above are saddening and very hard to read. It doesn't seem like I'm reading about myself. I feel like I'm being made to be a evil dragon, but that is not my intention. In my opinion, All my mistakes seem to stem from my own trying to help, but i always seem to go wrong, or too far. 

I have been thinking alot about my own inability to have a daughter a lot recently, especially with dil being pregnant, and me and my therapist can hopefully work through it in my next session. I must admit I have still been looking at my step daughters page again, I know that It's not good, although not a lot is available for me to see. I'm very much going to try to stop - as I know it's not healthy. In the one or two photos I have seen her children are beautiful and resemble my husband a lot, and although I know it's impossible i would very much still like to meet her and her children one day. But i will never tell my husband of course. I pray one day a peaceful reconciliation will come. 

as for the trust issue. I still don't know what was meant. I didn't share anything with the girlfriend she didn't know, so I can only assume that it's the talking about her pregnancy which is seen as a problem - I'm not supposed to talk about things, but im so excited and desperate to share! My husband doesn't have the same enthusiasm as me ( I suspect because of the other step daughter issue) and I just want to talk about how excited I am. 

Some of the younger ladies on the board are quite vocal and it's both shocking and enlightening to me - I wonder, do you tell your own mother in laws or mothers how you feel about them? 

Believe me I know how good intentions, trying to do whats you think ia best can make you look like an evil dragon. I have even an entire post about it! 

That's the thing about good intentions, to you it's all in good heart, to outsiders it can look like a different story and make you look like an evil toad.

And yes we are vocal, not to be mean, but we badly want you to see theerrors before you've done permanent damage to your relationship with your DS,DIL and future GC. I so wish DH had let me do that with MIL, or someone had been blunt with het.. maybe we wouldn't be CO from her now if she had gotten the blunt truth.

I stand by what I said earlier. Stop the questioning (which can feel like an interrogation and no one likes that). Let them give you info/news freely or their own terms. And then don't make them regret that decision by talking to others about it or voicing up your opinion when not asked for it. Lower expectations, your view of how grandparent hood should be may not be their view. They're the parents, respect that title. And please for the sake of your DIL, always remember it's BOTH their decision. And wipe that stupid saying 'a daughter is a daughter...' from your mind, it's altering things not for the good.

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Grannygreen, you've essentially been give the keys to the kingdom by your son. It seems they have clearly communicated what their wishes are. Respecting their wishes is the *only* way to have a good relationship with them. We see a lot of posts like that here - "My DS/DIL told me what they wanted, I completely ignored/bulldozed over it, and I'm completely baffled as to why I don't have a close/good relationship with them, help!" I'm a DIL who's MIL did that, and trust me, the outcome is not one anyone wanted. 

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Grannygreensmith, it's also wise to keep in mind any and all forum support/help offered, and tried, and I mean from any site, can also backfire, and backfire in the very same way in which the help you set out to offer also backfired- It's up to the reader, reading each post, to decide-

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1 hour ago, PinkRedYellow said:

Grannygreensmith, everyone here is trying to help you. This isn't a community that is going to say "there, there we're so sorry they're not giving you what you  want/deserve" We are trying to help you see that you can only control you - your actions, your comments, tone of voice and attitude. Do yourself a huge favor and reread the bolded and take it to heart. 

Our eldest daughter and her 3 kids live with us. She's a daughter, so by that ^^ stupid saying everything should be copacetic. Nope.

Her youngest child is a 2 year old, well into the terrible twos, awful, just horrible. We can't say anything, she is not our child. DGD seemingly must be awake and screaming from 3am onward. We ALL hate it. I guess we could ask our daughter to go live on the streets, but we can't tell her what to do with her babies. Solution: we're going to go OOT to work and on vacation. We're running away from home.  ;)

My point? Nearly everybody is giving the same advice, that's rare.

You just don't have any control in their lives, none. So change your outlook to what YOU do rightly control.

Get a hobby, find an interest, anything but FB stalking. You have all the time in the world, wait it out silently.

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@Grannygreensmith  .. Additionally, help offered might not be accepted or desired but is nonetheless the correct way to respond to a given situation at that time- And while it might not produce the desired results, which is where it seems the disappointment resides, it isn't uncommon for the individual, or individuals, who were offered the help to understand why the help was extended to begin with -- but sometimes it takes time-

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I'll also venture to say that it isn't a rarity for people to agree and be on the same page and yet be incorrect-

Edited by Komorebi

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For the most part I'd say yes any advice given can blow up... this particular situation though? DS and DIL have been pretty forth coming about boundaries. Something to apperciate, alot of MIL's are completely in the dark and are pushing their ac/acil away and don't realize it til it's too late and the resentment/ anger is already there.

 

 

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9 minutes ago, PLS21 said:

For the most part I'd say yes any advice given can blow up... this particular situation though? DS and DIL have been pretty forth coming about boundaries. Something to apperciate, alot of MIL's are completely in the dark and are pushing their ac/acil away and don't realize it til it's too late and the resentment/ anger is already there.

 

 

This.

There hasn't been any grey area here. The ds and DIL were clear. Do not discuss our pregnancy with others. They have been clear.

Just b/c someone doesn't understand, or like, the boundaries doesn't make them invalid.

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4 hours ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Sorry for the delay in reply. I dont use the Internet very regularly, and if I'm honest still don't completely understand it.

I read and wish to answer some questions - about the step daughter, me and my husband have not discussed this with any of my kids. They know they have a step-sister they havnt met but nothing more. He would never allow me to discuss her around them, and we really don't see my adult sons that often anyway at our place. They get bigger and spread their wings, I suppose. 

I highly doubt the whole "find by wifi thing" will be an issue too. I don't really understand how that works though.

i just want to clarify I'm not trying to take the step grand children away from their mother - I just wanted to help my husband reunite With his daughter and meet his grandchildren and give him some legal options and advice. 

I wasn't trying to push. I value family above all else and am very much in the more the merrier camp - I would love us to all get along. Although I have to say i am trying to put it to the back of my mind. We are married and it hurts to see him in pain - I feel he is in pain at the moment with this new baby on the way - and merely wished to support him. 

Someone said something about Co and Ldp? I didn't understand that part. 

I will admit some of the comments above are saddening and very hard to read. It doesn't seem like I'm reading about myself. I feel like I'm being made to be a evil dragon, but that is not my intention. In my opinion, All my mistakes seem to stem from my own trying to help, but i always seem to go wrong, or too far.  This is good insight. 

I have been thinking alot about my own inability to have a daughter a lot recently, especially with dil being pregnant, and me and my therapist can hopefully work through it in my next session. I must admit I have still been looking at my step daughters page again, I know that It's not good, although not a lot is available for me to see. I'm very much going to try to stop - as I know it's not healthy. In the one or two photos I have seen her children are beautiful and resemble my husband a lot, and although I know it's impossible i would very much still like to meet her and her children one day. But i will never tell my husband of course. I pray one day a peaceful reconciliation will come. You know what you could do - you could go into your security settings and block her. And then she won't come up anymore.

as for the trust issue. I still don't know what was meant. I didn't share anything with the girlfriend she didn't know, But how did you know this would be the case? Had they already told you she knew? Or were you surprised she already knew when you started to tell her about it? Then there is the matter of trying to get additional info from the GF.  so I can only assume that it's the talking about her pregnancy which is seen as a problem - I'm not supposed to talk about things, but im so excited and desperate to share! My husband doesn't have the same enthusiasm as me ( I suspect because of the other step daughter issue) and I just want to talk about how excited I am. 

Some of the younger ladies on the board are quite vocal and it's both shocking and enlightening to me - I wonder, do you tell your own mother in laws or mothers how you feel about them? Hmm, I think this is another area of concern. Your AC (adult children) ACIL (adult children in law) and the GF are now adult peers. Yes, they can and should behave as such. I think you are dismissing their wishes because they are "the kids". But they're not kids. Your comments on their birth plan choices seemed to indicate they didn't know what they were doing. My guess is much thought, discussion and research went into their choice. Even the label of this thread "is this behavior common" sounds like a discussion about naughty children. I agree with the posters that said you are lucky that your AC & ACIL are being upfront with you - don't you want to know what is okay with them and what will create issues in your relationship?

 

 

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What's popular practice now may not be popular practice in the years to come- When a grandparent chooses not to make the requested changes they may stand to loose now but gain in the future when trends shift yet again- People do re-evaluate their actions, or lack of action- Some grandparents aren't falling in step with present trends- Depending on the parents, and the grandparents, the results vary- Some resort to cutting off while others work towards a compromise of some kind- It's up to the individual/s to decide- There is no default mode for how to approach a birth, how to parent, how to grandparent- 

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GrannyGS...I had issues with my MIL even before nubby and I got married.  I should have put my foot down many years before I finally did.  When my son turned 15, he finally did tell her off.  A teen age son should never have to do something that his parents hadn't already tried to do for themselves.  He never spoke to her again.  I wish I had at least tried to do more before he felt he needed to do so himself.

 

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On 9/19/2016 at 11:06 PM, Grannygreensmith said:

 

2- I (and everyone else in the very small circle of people who know) have been banned from telling extended family or friends about it by phone or email or on the facebook. The parents to be say that they don't want it shared online (and also they refuse to make any kind of nice pregnancy announcement for family or friends.) i have so far managed to respect their wishes, but I am finding this quite uncomfortable. When people ask how my son is, what am I supposed to say? Such happy news and I can't share it. 

 

Hmmm... TBF, it seems DS and DIL asked Granny, etc., not to tell anyone else that DIL is pregnant. Perhaps they meant don't talk about it at all, but I can see where that might not have been clear to Granny (or GF). Granted, as PLS points out, it's not clear if Granny knew that GF had already been told about the pregnancy when she (Granny) began talking to her (GF) about it.

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5 hours ago, SueSTx said:

 

You can find a list of more acronyms pinned at the top of the forum

Unfortunately, the list pinned at the top of this forum is a copy of an old, incomplete one of mine. :)

For a more comprehensive list, @Grannygreensmith you might rather use the one in the MIL Anonymous forum:

 

But, of course, please continue the conversation w/ us in here...

Edited by RoseRed135

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37 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

What's popular practice now may not be popular practice in the years to come- When a grandparent chooses not to make the requested changes they may stand to loose now but gain in the future when trends shift yet again- People do re-evaluate their actions, or lack of action- Some grandparents aren't falling in step with present trends- Depending on the parents, and the grandparents, the results vary- Some resort to cutting off while others work towards a compromise of some kind- It's up to the individual/s to decide- There is no default mode for how to approach a birth, how to parent, how to grandparent- 

I'm not sure what you are recommending here.  Are you suggesting Granny just ignore all the advice and continue what she is doing and hope that her son and DIL will not cut her off and will work towards a compromise?  Considering how much they have limited information to Granny and how upset her son became when he realized his mother was talking with the FG about the pregnancy I think it is unlikely that they will compromise with her.  I think it is more likely they will take a time out from her or even cut her off and I would really hate if that happened.  Sure, she can ignore the advice here and do nothing but that doesn't seem the wise course of action if she wants to continue a relationship with her son and his family.    

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