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RoseRed135

The NEW Are YOU a new or expectant grandparent?

42 posts in this topic

1 hour ago, Yayaarnold said:

My 16 year old just told me she is pregnant and I'm totally freaking out. I don't think she understands how hard this is going to be. I also was a 16 y.o with a child.  I'm scared I'm not going to be able to make it taking on another  kid. But she is so head strong on keeping the baby. 

I think you need to calm down. This won't be your child to raise, I assume.

You certainly shouldn't be asking for your child to give up her child, in my opinion. However, there are many wonderful parents waiting to adopt, so maybe outside counseling at Catholic Charities or somewhere similar might be an option? Our YDD/SIL are adopting a child, he'll be born this winter. They have 23 mo old twins, our daughter just couldn't face any more rounds of IVF, but they love kids and want more. They have signed papers and are paying medical costs, weekly stipend, and all legal fees. I think that's a good option, with the advice coming from an outside-source.

We didn't want any of our kids getting pregnant outside of marriage. And they didn't, until ODS and his (now) wife did. They each had 2 kids, should have know better in a new post-divorce/post-death relationship, but were stupid. Were we happy? No. Was it our business? No. They married right away and are as happy as can be - having a 6th baby this fall. People do marry pregnant, maybe marriage is a viable-option?

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2 hours ago, Yayaarnold said:

My 16 year old just told me she is pregnant and I'm totally freaking out. I don't think she understands how hard this is going to be. I also was a 16 y.o with a child.  I'm scared I'm not going to be able to make it taking on another  kid. But she is so head strong on keeping the baby. 

Well then, she keeps the baby....

Welcome @Yayaarnold. Apparently the time is right for you to find us. You will find a myriad of opinions, advice & support. 

This is a lot for you to process. DD (dear daughter...although she may not seem so dear right now) will need your unwavering support. She' probably terrified, which may account for some of her head strong-ness...she needs to have control over something...so keeping the baby is a decision she can control. 

That said, she'll need to formulate a plan. I would help her see "the big picture" of her "new normal". She'll need to focus on school until the baby is born, then look into online classes while juggling a newborn. Make it clear to her that you are not 'live in child care'. She'll need to make arrangements with you anytime she wants you to watch the baby. In other words, make this HER decision to live with. You are the support person and the grandma, not the mommy. 

Also, is the dad-to-be in the picture and/or his family? If so, she can create a village.

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Some alternate education situations offer day care onsite.  Look into what is available in your area and guide her toward the situations which offer the most help for her and the baby.  Finishing her education even getting a GED is essential to providing a stable home for the future of her child.

You don't say if you have other minor children in your home or if you work outside the home.  These things can influence how much physical assistance you can be with the baby.  Encourage her and the father (if he is to be part of the babies life) to attend prenatal and parenting classes.  These are good eye openers so you won't become the "bad guy" (I told you so) in this situation.

Do your research and find out how much local help there is in your area.  There is way more local assistance in our area than I ever dreamed there way just listening in a local nurse that works giving prenatal care to expectant mothers regardless of income.

 

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Oh, and if the dad-to-be doesn't plan to participate...make sure he's on the birth certificate and signed up for child support...get a paternity test if you need to.

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1 hour ago, SueSTx said:

Some alternate education situations offer day care onsite.  Look into what is available in your area and guide her toward the situations which offer the most help for her and the baby.  Finishing her education even getting a GED is essential to providing a stable home for the future of her child.

You don't say if you have other minor children in your home or if you work outside the home.  These things can influence how much physical assistance you can be with the baby.  Encourage her and the father (if he is to be part of the babies life) to attend prenatal and parenting classes.  These are good eye openers so you won't become the "bad guy" (I told you so) in this situation.

Do your research and find out how much local help there is in your area.  There is way more local assistance in our area than I ever dreamed there way just listening in a local nurse that works giving prenatal care to expectant mothers regardless of income.

 

She is stepping up and already got the info from her high school to join the parenting program. I am going to stand behind her no matter what. And be here to guide her any way I can

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The father and his parents are also in the picture and I do believe they are going to be here for the long road ahead. I have 2 other teenagers in my home plus 2 step children 50 % of the time. 

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@Yayaarnold - Welcome! As Mame says, you have clearly found us at the right time. While I want to say, "Congratulations on your coming GB (grandbaby)!" I know this is a scary time for you, as well, perhaps, as for DD. The fact that you were a teenage mom, yourself, only makes you more aware, no doubt, of the problems DD could face. However, as Sue has pointed out and your DD has discovered, in today's world, happily, there is a lot more help available than there once was.

Still, I get your being upset that she's so determined to keep this baby. But given that fact, kudos to her for "stepping up" the way she is! And kudos to you for planning to "stand behind her no matter what."  I'm glad, too, that the dad and his parents "are also in the picture." and seem ready and willing "to be there for the long road ahead.'

W/ 4 other kids in your life, you already have your hands quite full. But it looks as if DD is going to be the central figure w/ this baby and that there already is a "village" ready to help that includes but isn't limited to you. So, IMO, you can breathe a little easier.

Granted, not everything may work out exactly the way DD - or you - or any of you - think it will. You may all have to roll w/ a few proverbial punches. But please remember, we're here for you. Glad you came here to talk w/ us! :)

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Will just say this is better (much better) than if the 16 yo had an abortion...that said, perhaps she'll change her mind further into the pregnancy (or even afterward).  This is going to be hard, but the rewards can be great as well.  A scant year or so ago was considering taking on a 10 yo-only bec. her mother was being irresponsible and seemed unable to do her part for her own child.  She was/is much older than 16..!  That did change, however, with much prayer (some counsel from others).  You may at some future date have to make a decision as the young mother is, without a doubt, not a mature person.  Perhaps some counseling for you and the young mom would help-just suggesting.

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Abortion is a very personal matter.  While some may agree to one, others may not.

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Taking care of a baby as a teenager is not easy. I was a teenage mother. I decided at one point to give the baby up for adoption but friends convinced me to keep the baby and promised to help as much as they could. That lasted for about 2 weeks after he was born because they all had lives they needed to get back to. Most of the time I felt really alone. No one else I knew had a baby so there was no one to confide in. Eventually I did go to therapy and found a way to deal with it all but it was still an uphill battle. I hope your daughter gets some therapy to help deal with how her life is going to change. Therapy for yourself would help as well. 

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6 hours ago, MumMumMetro said:

Will just say this is better (much better) than if the 16 yo had an abortion...that said, perhaps she'll change her mind further into the pregnancy (or even afterward).  This is going to be hard, but the rewards can be great as well.  A scant year or so ago was considering taking on a 10 yo-only bec. her mother was being irresponsible and seemed unable to do her part for her own child.  She was/is much older than 16..!  That did change, however, with much prayer (some counsel from others).  You may at some future date have to make a decision as the young mother is, without a doubt, not a mature person.  Perhaps some counseling for you and the young mom would help-just suggesting.

Welcome MumMumMetro! Glad you decided to come in and talk w/ us!

You're right, IMO, that maturity is a concern. Then again, of course, just as an older person can be immature, a young person can be very mature, as I'm sure you realize.

Meanwhile, glad the mother of that 10-yr-old has improved. Kudos to you for being ready to step up and help that child, though, if it had come to that!

@homeygfunk - I had no idea! Clearly, the choice to keep the baby is a very difficult one. Often there's no one to help just when the young mom needs it most, as you experienced. Or some people do help, but it impacts their lives in ways the other choices don't.

Regardless, kudos to you for being strong and coming through for DS!

Edited by RoseRed135

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There were many rough times when he was a baby and even rougher times as a teenager. But he is a father now and doing great. He also just got a promotion and a raise at a job that he has not been at very long. Didn't take him long to move up -- which makes me proud. 

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I was also a young unwed mother, but I had a lot of help and support from my family and the babies father.  Having people by your side that believes in you and what you are trying to do is so very important.  My best advice for you and your daughter is to work together for the babies sack.  Be there and support your daughter to the best of your ability.  Her world is going to be totally different than she has ever known.  But I agree with many comments ahead of mine,  make her the one responsible for most of the baby commitments.  I went back to school after the baby was born.  At that time DSS helped with child care.  I don't know if they still do this or not.  Good luck and make sure that you continue to love your daughter unconditionally.  Thats all she needs to know.  No matter what her decisions are that you love her.  

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5 hours ago, RoniH said:

I was also a young unwed mother, but I had a lot of help and support from my family and the babies father.  Having people by your side that believes in you and what you are trying to do is so very important.  My best advice for you and your daughter is to work together for the babies sack.  Be there and support your daughter to the best of your ability.  Her world is going to be totally different than she has ever known.  But I agree with many comments ahead of mine,  make her the one responsible for most of the baby commitments.  I went back to school after the baby was born.  At that time DSS helped with child care.  I don't know if they still do this or not.  Good luck and make sure that you continue to love your daughter unconditionally.  Thats all she needs to know.  No matter what her decisions are that you love her.  

Welcome RoniH! Glad you came in to share your thought w/ us! And how kind of you, IMO, to draw on your own past experience to advise someone else (I take it your post is in response to Yayaarnold)!

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Good morning,

 

I am a Grandparent to two children ages 6 months and 6 years.  I have 4 children 3 mine and 1 step-daughter.  

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2 hours ago, RoniH said:

Good morning,

 

I am a Grandparent to two children ages 6 months and 6 years.  I have 4 children 3 mine and 1 step-daughter.  

Welcome @RoniH. Happy you've found us here. Please feel free to jump to read everywhere. However, please don't respond to posts more than 3 months old unless they are "pinned" (they'll have a little icon next to the title). 

I saw your post about asking visitation with your 6yo in another thread...seriously good luck with making that happen....Sometimes even very angry AC (adult children) start to soften when they see the benefits of the GP/GC relationship unfolding in front of them...

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2 hours ago, RoniH said:

Good morning,

 

I am a Grandparent to two children ages 6 months and 6 years.  I have 4 children 3 mine and 1 step-daughter.  

Congrats of the new GB (grandbaby) and your growing family! :give_rose:

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