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RoseRed135

Just found out they're moving far away!

107 posts in this topic

It can be hard enough to have your adult son/daughter and GC (grandchildren) live at a great distance from you. But often, harder still, the GPs learn that they are moving far away at the "very last minute" or close to it. If this has happened/is happening to you, please come and talk w/ us about it here...

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Hello, I'm a newbie and found your site last night. I can't tell you what a comfort it has been to find a group of folks that understand the pain of our dear ones moving away. Thank you.

My DD and DSIL, who we love like a son, have decided to move to Wyoming. No GC but my DD and I are so close, Best friends and run an art business together. We live in Va. She's just 20 minutes away. They want a better environment to raise kids in, small town, safer- he's a police officer and Yellowstone. I am in such grief and can't stand it and I don't know how I can put on a happy face for this. Thank you for helping me understand that I should only be encouraging. I'll try but oh my goodness, the heart ache. We will be able to visit but it won't be the same. She's going to miss me so hard too. They don't have to go...so why? How can I help her pack?

We only have a short time in this life. Why not spend it together? What if they start a family out there, all I ever wanted was grandkids. Her brother is so sad. My DH is is broken hearted, they love to fish together. My heart is breaking. I want to ask why, is that wrong to ask? Thanks for your care.

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Welcome Lizzy....sorry for your circumstance, I'm sure its very hard.

However, your daughter is a married woman, her DH (dear husband) is her priority. They have made the decision to try a new life in a new area....it's an adventure to be sure, but one they have chosen. This isn't about you or her brother or the business or anything else. This is about them. Moving forward, making their own mark on the world...

My son chose the Navy as his career. Submarine Corps chose him. He spent the first 10 years underway all over the world. He married a lovely woman, they had 3 kids, I had to travel to where ever they were for the births of all 3. However, I saw new areas of the country....I love to travel, watched my son grow into a fabulous man (he's 4 years from retirement now, divorced & remarried) and still doesn't live near me. Yet our bond is very strong.

Try to see this from their perspective. Be happy for them. You've raised a daughter with the confidence to step out of her comfort zone. Be proud of them.

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You are so right. I will be proud. There aren't words for the comfort I'm receiving from this understanding community. Thank you. I will stay close through this transition and try to what I learn. 

Silly question...I've never been in a forum before, how do I post a reply or comment in a thread?

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Just keep doing what you're doing....you did reply to my comment. To quote, just click the "quote" (next to "edit" "options") that will quote the comment in your reply.

Please do stay "close" here....There is so much to absorb from a community like this. And you will have much wisdom to share as well as you move through this transition within your own family.

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26 minutes ago, Lizzystuff said:

You are so right. I will be proud. There aren't words for the comfort I'm receiving from this understanding community. Thank you. I will stay close through this transition and try to what I learn. 

Silly question...I've never been in a forum before, how do I post a reply or comment in a thread?

I'm glad you found this community, too, Lizzy, and that you're finding so much comfort here.

In addition to what Mame said, I want to *** that you don't "have to" help DD pack if it's too hard on you. She and DSIL can do that together, no doubt, or hire people to help them, if need be, just as they'll do when they get to Wyoming. But if you can bring yourself to help a little w/ a willing heart, that will be beautiful.... Peace...

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 Thank you for your input. It's really all about respecting boundaries, my own and hers. I am so grateful for your guidance

 

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Welcome lizzy, I raised my kids a full days drive from my parents and they always had a closer relationship than the paternal grandparents less than five miles away.  Distance isn't the only factor to consider in relationships.  With FaceTime and skype, it is much easier to stay in contact than it used to be with charge by the minute long distance.

I have a friend who has breakfast with her grandkids in Alaska several times a week.  And remember, if Wyoming isn't everything they are hoping for, they can always move closer to you again.

Remember this move is about your daughter and her husband, it's really not about you.  Be easy.

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Thanks for your guidance, it's invaluable to me right now

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Note from RoseRed: Copied and pasted this post here from a very old/now-locked thread in the same forum (it quotes a post in this thread).

Lizzystuff

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1 hour ago, RoseRed135 said:

I'm glad you found this community, too, Lizzy, and that you're finding so much comfort here.

In addition to what Mame said, I want to *** that you don't "have to" help DD pack if it's too hard on you. She and DSIL can do that together, no doubt, or hire people to help them, if need be, just as they'll do when they get to Wyoming. But if you can bring yourself to help a little w/ a willing heart, that will be beautiful.... Peace...

You all have helped me wrap my brain around this. It is do-able! The waterworks have stopped, for now at least. I'm seeing how careful I need to be in conversation with DD, I can see now that anything I say that I am just meaning from a practical side of things is being taken as non supportive and I sure don't want that. Thanks to you all I see that now. I am proud she has the adventurer in her to do this. I've always told her the world is her oyster and now they are doing it. I will try to be strong and supportive through the transition. There are happy memories still to be made

Edited by RoseRed135

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Good that you're feeling better about this situation, Lizzy, and that you see where you may have been making a mistake. If you're as supportive as possible, chances are DD and DSIL will be more likely to be open to skyping w/ you or doing FT (FactTime), now and then. Not to mention visits back and forth, now and then, once they get settled. Don't want to raise your expectations too high, of course. Better, IMO,  to see how things pan out and enjoy whatever contact you have.

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Today I am sick all over again. So many reasons for them not to go and I can't say anything. They are looking at this move with rose colored glasses. How my heart hurts.

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5 minutes ago, Lizzystuff said:

Today I am sick all over again. So many reasons for them not to go and I can't say anything. They are looking at this move with rose colored glasses. How my heart hurts.

Lizzy,

You raised your daughter. She's smart, right? Capable, caring, mature?

Trust in the daughter you raised. 

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You see moves like this from the rear view, she's looking from the driver's seat at the open highway....Its all about perspective.

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Yes, all of her life I've told her the world is her oyster. Thanks for keeping me grounded. We were together today and this forum kept ringing in my head but I'm afraid my emotions got the best me once or twice. I really need to take the backseat on this. I see how much guilt and fear is a weight on her decision and it shouldn't be. She's so sensitive to others feelings. I promised myself and her to be positive in everything I say and told her I support her in they're decision.  Told her about the idea from here about skyping for breakfast, it comforted her. Thanks so much friends for your care, such comfort, and you are helping me be a better mom.

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Positive self talk BEFORE you talk with them....it will get easier.

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Yes Mame, positive conversation in my own head first then I'll be able to talk it when we're together, thank you! 

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16 hours ago, Lizzystuff said:

Today I am sick all over again. So many reasons for them not to go and I can't say anything. They are looking at this move with rose colored glasses. How my heart hurts.

(((Hugs!))) Chances are, these unhappy feelings will wash over you a few times till you get used to the idea of the move. But please resist any temptation to relay the negative thoughts to them. Share them here w/ us, instead, as you did above (that was very wise, IMO).

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I will from now on I promise. I see the weight of my feelings weigh so heavy on her. I know now. There's times when I feel like I can't breath. Tell me it gets better.

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If they've picked a town already, go to zillow.com put in the zip code and help her house hunt....it will do two things....1) help you get familiar with her new area 2) let you share in her excitement...You won't really get a viable opinion on their decision, but you will get to offer your thoughts on design choices, weather adaptability, functionality etc....

Even when the Navy was making all of DS's housing decisions I could google addresses, see the instagram photos and suggest storage solutions. I skyped with the kids often enough to know I didn't miss anything....their oldest (then 3) I saw every few months and he'd run up my stairs and fly into my arms....because we stayed connected...

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3 hours ago, Lizzystuff said:

I will from now on I promise. I see the weight of my feelings weigh so heavy on her. I know now. There's times when I feel like I can't breath. Tell me it gets better.

I'm sure it will get better, as long as you don't alienate them w/ cautions and complaints... Peace...

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Good ideas!

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Dear Lizzy,

When I was a young mother, my husband and I emigrated to Canada from Ireland with our four young children.   At that time it seemed like a big adventure.  My mother had already passed away but I must admit that I really didn't give too much thought to how the rest of my family were feeling about us leaving.   Now my daughter has made her home in Australia and I have to remind myself that I brought her up to follow her dreams.  I really do feel your pain now that your DD and SIL are moving away.  You say you are very close so no doubt she realizes that you're sad.    Really all you can do is put on a brave face and made plans to visit them when they have settled into their new home.    Who knows what the future holds.    Maybe they will move back when they have children, maybe not, but gradually you will come to terms with the situation and hopefully your pain will ease.  I hope this doesn't sound "preachy".   Hugs.

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I understand. My DS left home at 18 a few weeks after graduation to join the Army. Its been an emotional ride for sure. I havent seen him in almost a year and he got married (eloped) and had a baby that I havent even got to meet yet. It does get easier. Thank God for technology!

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Two months ago, my SIL got a job 7 hours away, and of course my DD and 10 y/o granddaughter moved with him (a month ago). Although my SIL and DD always either lived with me or 5 minutes away, my GD *always* lived with me. For 10 years I raised and supported her like my own child...and then she was gone. I'm heartbroken and still grieving, and at times I can't stop crying. Yes, it'll get better, but right now it hurts so much. I can't talk to anyone else about this, because I'll break down. I'm glad I can share here. I look at her room and just fall apart. Thankfully I'll be moving in 6 months, and hopefully that will help some.  <\3 

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