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RoseRed135

Just found out they're moving far away!

107 posts in this topic

Welcome 44.  I am sorry your sons are both moving so far away, but am glad that you are trying to keep it together when you talk on the phone.

 

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7 hours ago, 44 said:

My youngest son is disabled and home with me,  luckily he's stuck with me.

Welcome 44...happy to have you and that you've found a place to air your concerns. I'm sorry your grandbabies will moving away....but hopefully they are ready to launch and you will be proud of them in their new lives.

The sentence in the quote hit a nerve with me....the bolded sort of worries me. It makes me wonder if you want to keep your kids too close rather than them having "follow their bliss" (whatever that means to them). My kids are grown & gone and very successful. I talk to them all frequently and see them as often as possible. Currently they all live within an hour of me, but 1-2 hours from each other. I'm widowed, live alone and I like living alone. I have projects, hobbies, friends and am able to work when I feel like it. The point is that I have made a full life for myself, not dependent on the kids fulfilling my needs.

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9 hours ago, 44 said:

Hi all,  I'm new to this forum also and so glad i found it.  My second oldest son had my first gc 3 years ago.  He met his gf in Washington,  where we're from,  but when she got pregnant is when i realized they would be moving to South Carolina, where her parents are.  So,  i see my sweet lil grandson each year on his birthday,  i fly there and Skype when able, but the time difference makes it a challenge.  That was hard enough,  but they are now expecting their second baby in April. My oldest son and his gf live 4 hours from me and just had their first baby,  my sweet lil Princess grand daughter. I've been able to see her alot more since she's driving distance.  I was just told that his gfs dad got a great job in North Carolina and they all (including my son,  gf and gb) will be moving there this April.  I am beyond devastated.  I am going to see granddaughter  next week,  but part of me just wants to distance myself from them all because i instantly cry whenever i think about them all being so far away.  i am excited that my 2 boys will be closer to each other and their babies will be close, but so sad that I'm the one left without them.  My youngest son is disabled and home with me,  luckily he's stuck with me. ;) After reading some of these posts, I know i have to put on my big girl pants and do my best to keep in touch,  but wow it's soooooo hard not too cry when one of my boys calls me.  

Another welcome, 44! I'm glad you found us, too! So sorry about your DSs and their families moving so far away. And I get that it's especially hard to face the relocating of your "sweet lil Princess" who currently lives nearby. Please enjoy your visit next week - keep it pleasant and fun - it's likely to becime a cherished memory.

I'm glad reading the posts here have helped you know what to do. It will get easier over time, no doubt, and you can always vent to us. (((Hugs!)))

Edited by RoseRed135

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Hi Mame925,

I guess i should give more info regarding my son.  I don't mean "he's stuck with me" in a bad way.  He is almost 20 years old, doesn't walk, has limited speech and has epilepsy.  He is definitely my angel and Im very lucky that he'll live with me until I'm unable to care for him.  I am very proud of my older boys and they are amazing dads, I guess I'm just being selfish for wishing they'd all stay close.  I've realized that no matter where they go,  someone will be sad,  it just so happens that it's me at the moment.  Thanks for replying and I'm glad i found this site.  

44

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Thanks RoseRed135, 

I have to say just thinking about my (last) visit to see my princess before they leave has me in tears just saying or thinking about it.  I hope i can keep it together when i go.  :"(

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Hi SueSTx,

Thank you. :)

Edited by RoseRed135
tech problem

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44,  I'm so sorry that your kids will be far away.

We are far away from our kids 4-6 months a year. We skype, FT, talk on the phone, email, text, send mail and packages. We're always collecting little gifts/books for packages, finding cute cards. They read books to us or with us, tell us stuff (that we don't necessarily understand), and sing (it's all sorta silly, but it's fun). We even plan (with the littles) when we'll see each other again while on the phone.

Maybe you'll be able to take advantage of some of those ways to connect, I hope so.

Edited by JanelleK
clarity
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8 hours ago, 44 said:

Thanks RoseRed135, 

I have to say just thinking about my (last) visit to see my princess before they leave has me in tears just saying or thinking about it.  I hope i can keep it together when i go.  :"(

I hope so, too.

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For the record, being far away doesn't necessarily mean that the kids won't know who you are or have a close relationship with you. My sister and her husband live in New Zealand (we are in Canada). His mother lives with them and my parents visit or have them come to visit us once a year. The kids actually have a closer relationship with my mother, especially, than with their paternal grandmother.

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On Tuesday, November 15, 2016 at 0:25 PM, Lizzystuff said:

Hello, I'm a newbie and found your site last night. I can't tell you what a comfort it has been to find a group of folks that understand the pain of our dear ones moving away. Thank you.

My DD and DSIL, who we love like a son, have decided to move to Wyoming. No GC but my DD and I are so close, Best friends and run an art business together. We live in Va. She's just 20 minutes away. They want a better environment to raise kids in, small town, safer- he's a police officer and Yellowstone. I am in such grief and can't stand it and I don't know how I can put on a happy face for this. Thank you for helping me understand that I should only be encouraging. I'll try but oh my goodness, the heart ache. We will be able to visit but it won't be the same. She's going to miss me so hard too. They don't have to go...so why? How can I help her pack?

We only have a short time in this life. Why not spend it together? What if they start a family out there, all I ever wanted was grandkids. Her brother is so sad. My DH is is broken hearted, they love to fish together. My heart is breaking. I want to ask why, is that wrong to ask? Thanks for your care.

 

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I am so glad I found this site. I thought I was alone in this and it is rewarding to know my feelings of grief are normal.

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On Tuesday, November 15, 2016 at 0:25 PM, Lizzystuff said:

Please be patient, I am new to this site. Trying to figure out how to post a comment. Hoping this works. I just found out my daughter and granddaughter are moving as well. I am devastated and trying to figure out how to cope. I find the depression debilitating and I am truly broken hearted to the core of my being. I'm glad I found this site because I was feeling very alone in my feelings.

 

Edited by Ctgirl

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I am new to this site and figuring out how to post so be patient because I don't quite know what I'm doing yet. I am so glad I found this site. Just learning the news my daughter and granddaughter are moving and I am devastated. I'm finding the depression debilitating and am truly heartbroken to the core. I need some help with the feelings of loss.

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3 hours ago, Ctgirl said:

I am so glad I found this site. I thought I was alone in this and it is rewarding to know my feelings of grief are normal.

Welcome Ctgirl! I'm glad you found us, too, and that you see you're not alone in your plight. I'm sorry you're grieving, but I'm glad the posts here have made you see this is normal for your situation. Hopefully, we can help you cope.

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2 hours ago, Ctgirl said:

I am new to this site and figuring out how to post so be patient because I don't quite know what I'm doing yet. I am so glad I found this site. Just learning the news my daughter and granddaughter are moving and I am devastated. I'm finding the depression debilitating and am truly heartbroken to the core. I need some help with the feelings of loss.

 I'm so sorry that your DD (dear daughter) and GD (granddaughter) are moving further away from you and that you are hurting so badly as a result. (((Hugs!))) As you've noticed, yourself, your feelings of loss are "normal." Hopefully, members here will be able to help you work through them and suggest ideas that will make the distance more bearable.

I'm wondering, how far away are DD and GD moving? Is it too far for visits? Not asking for exact locations, but if you give us a general idea of the distance, we may be better able to help you out. Thank you.

Meanwhile, I see you've been having some trouble w/ the quoting. But, actually, you've been doing just fine. Please realize that once you quote a comment, you can key in your thoughts under the quote, as I'm doing here. After that, of course, click on Submit Entry and you should have the quote and your response together. If it doesn't work for you, please let us know.

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Ctgirl, and 44, my heart hurts for you. Its a real physical pain, grief. Don't give in to the crushing weight of loss, be stubborn and keep in mind any positives you can think of. There is wonderful care and advice here, take it in.

My update: DD and her hubby chose to stay, not enough pay to move. I am relieved but scarred by the experience which showed me I have an unhealthy attachment. I am seeking counseling and looking to volunteer. They deserve their own lives and dreams and we should be proud mothers that raised kids so brave to follow their hearts. Family is important but there are ways to stay linked to each other. DD is expecting their first in July and it will be an opportunity for me to enact the healthy boundaries I learned from this experience. I will pray for strength for you and don't be afraid to seek help to cope with your sadness. Much love to you! 

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I'm proud of you @Lizzystuff. Not everyone gets a chance to rebuild with healthy boundaries. Congrats on the new addition.

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Thank you for your input. Lizzy stuff glad it worked out for you in the end. I understand you being a bit gun shy so to speak. Afraid it might happen again. Almost makes you afraid to form attachments so deep. Sad isn't that thought!                                                          I'm not sure that it's unhealthy boundaries?  Maybe just going through the stages of loss as you would with any attachments that are no longer there. Especially if you've been through a deep loss prior. Seems to drum up the same feelings as before. My biggest gift will be learning how to get through it. Thank you. 

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Have to say at this point my emotions are running rampant.  From what feels like debilitating loss and tears to wanting to make a voodoo doll of my son and law and stick pins in it !! Fighting with how not to make this about me. Knowing full well I want the best for my daughter and granddaughter and their happiness. Bonds are bonds and I'm having to relearn how to form them from a distance which somehow never seems the same.  

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@Ctgirl, I feel ya. When DS left home for the Navy I had serious mixed emotions. He's the youngest of 3, only boy. We.  raised our kids to "follow their bliss" and be independent, but he took it to an entirely different plane. When the military takes over, you have no standing except "next of kin". And he was assigned to the submarine corps...the Navy pecking order is Seals, Subs then everyone else. After basic training 2000 miles away (Chicago Great Lakes) then sub school in CT, on the opposite coast followed by his first assignment in VA. Subs go silent for as much as six months at a time, they didn't have personal internet when he first went in. So he missed us, we missed him...he found out about his nephew's birth a month after the fact when his mail finally caught up to to him...I got out of the habit of talking to him regularly. He's on this coast now, shore duty, but still over 300 miles away and will be there for the duration, he gets out in 2020...after 20 years.....None of his 3 kids was born close by, but I attended the first birth then watched the olders while then DIL was in hospital with subsequent births.

My point? You adapt...and do the best you can with what you've got. Sometimes you just paste on a smile and start collecting frequent flyer miles.

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Mame925 you must be very proud of your son. I can't imagine how worried you must have been. I am hoping  you had others around you to help you through.  I am a firm believer in following your bliss. However, in this case it seems my daughter is following her husband's bliss since she is the only one giving anything up. I suppose indirectly his bliss is hers but she like most women is making most of the sacrifice. It's hard to paste a smile on without mumbling something under my breath. Lol

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5 hours ago, Lizzystuff said:

Ctgirl, and 44, my heart hurts for you. Its a real physical pain, grief. Don't give in to the crushing weight of loss, be stubborn and keep in mind any positives you can think of. There is wonderful care and advice here, take it in.

My update: DD and her hubby chose to stay, not enough pay to move. I am relieved but scarred by the experience which showed me I have an unhealthy attachment. I am seeking counseling and looking to volunteer. They deserve their own lives and dreams and we should be proud mothers that raised kids so brave to follow their hearts. Family is important but there are ways to stay linked to each other. DD is expecting their first in July and it will be an opportunity for me to enact the healthy boundaries I learned from this experience. I will pray for strength for you and don't be afraid to seek help to cope with your sadness. Much love to you! 

Thanks for the update, Lizzy! How wonderful that DD and DSIL have decided not to move! And that they're expecting their first baby! Congrats to all!

Of course, you're "scarred by the experience." It hurt you (even though I know that wasn't the intention) - there was almost bound to be a residual effect. You're wise, though, iMO, to seek counseling and to try to find another focus in addition to family (volunteering). Hopefully, continuing to talk w/ us will help, as well.

Meanwhile, how kind of you to reach out to and encourage others! 

Wishing you and yours the very best!

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Thanks all for your support during a time I thought I might fall apart. You kept me from being so alone in it. We do adapt , don't we. There is always hope of better days. Thanks again to this site, a true life saver. :-) Best wishes and heart felt love to those finding their way through trying times.

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Thank you for your kind remarks. It always helps to hear how others coped with a similar situation. I've always been an active, educated, well rounded person. My largest joy though has always been my family. Having had many losses, this one seems "the straw" so to speak.  All that is joyful in life seems veiled these days. I'm trying my best to find clarity. I'm hoping as time passes something becomes apparent.

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2 hours ago, Ctgirl said:

Thank you for your kind remarks. It always helps to hear how others coped with a similar situation. I've always been an active, educated, well rounded person. My largest joy though has always been my family. Having had many losses, this one seems "the straw" so to speak.  All that is joyful in life seems veiled these days. I'm trying my best to find clarity. I'm hoping as time passes something becomes apparent.

I "liked" your post b/c, clearly, you are trying. I'm deeply sorry about your "many losses," though, and can understand how this one can seem like that proverbial last "straw" on top of it all. My heart goes out to you!

Again, it's "normal," IMO, for joy to seem "veiled these days" - that's part of the grief process, I think. Please be patient w/ yourself. In time, you will, most likely, adjust.

That doesn't mean that I think you should express your unhappiness to DD and family. Far from it! You're wise enough, I trust, to try to stay positive around them. Feel free, instead, to continue to vent/sort out your emotions here.

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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