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RoseRed135

Do you suspect your adult son/daughter and family moved far away to get more space from you or certain other relatives?

20 posts in this topic

If your AC (adult child/ren) and CIL (child/ren- in-law) moved their family far away from you (and your spouse/SO, if any), do you believe that they did so for practical reasons, such as better jobs, schools, health issues, etc? Or do you, sadly, suspect they did it to put more distance between themselves and you (and/or your spouse/SO or any other relative)? Same if your parents/PILs relocated at a distance.

Or have you ever moved far away from family/ILs to put some distance between you? Or do they seem to suspect that, even though you did it for more practical reasons?

Edited by RoseRed135
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I think for the relationships sake it's best to not think the move for another family 'is all about you'. That anger and resentment just isn't going to help and even if you're ballsy enough to straight out ask, you may not get a straight answer.

Most people move for better area, better pay, or better job (sometimes a better job doesn't mean better pay, people leave jobs at a high percentage because bad management/boss). And sometimes in the back of the mind it may also be because they need to get away from family members, but usually it's not the ONLY reason for a move.

Dh's FOO is 'close' and were very angry/PA about DH'S career choice went meant leaving their small town. They blame me, which I'll own it I did push him to go after his dreams and not to just 'settle' because most of his family looks down on people who have careers.

But the major reason for our move (or rather constant moving) is because that's the nature of his career. He's going to have to have alot of years of experience before we can become stationary, and even then there's no jobs anywhere near his family. There was in the back of our minds that this jobs nature was a benefit since we really needed some space from his family, but it wasn't the only reason for it. 

His FOO believes that I'm the only reason for the move, not that this is his dream job, he loves traveling, this is an amazing experience for ourselves and our children... nope it's all about them. The move brought the worse out of them and I think my DH has become to dislike his FOO even more now than before, unfortunately so it hasn't really helped the relationship.

My family it's the 'norm' to move away, travel, etc (military tradition)... so it doesn't bother them.. my DM probably would've turned up her nose and gave me a tongue lashing if I made DH turn down a travel job in order to stay near her.

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My IL's and Moving

MIL moved closer to us to be closer to GS, that was when the majority of the issues started as she had no interest in me or DS prior to GS being born. Her expectations were much different once GS was in the mix, she expected a close family dynamic that was not there since it had not been there prior to DS arrival. 

We have considered moving, even now that MIL has moved back to her hometown, and we are CO from her, we have still debated.  My MIL is not stable, mentally or emotionally. I have tried not to use these terms to describe her, as she would not use those terms to describe herself, but it is the truth situation. In addition, her actions since the CO have indicated that she is dangerous as well.  We (DH and I) do not think that she would ever intentionally hurt someone, but she is dramatic and she acts in anger, and has no consideration or respect for the consquences.  So if she thinks that some action would mean she would get her way and/or gather some attention to her - well in that case I am not sure what she would be capable of as she has surprized us before. (FOr those wondering, we have heard she has been insitutionalized, nut she always gets released) It is that uncertianty and our lack of trust that has made use consider moving as an option.

However we have a wonderful house in a wonderful location, we do not want to move, and feel that we should not have to, at least not because MIL cannot behave like a normal human being... DS has a great neighborhood to play in with kids his age, he loves his schools, and we are pretty much central to everything we can want.  In addition we have a huge yard, and great neighbors.  We do not want to give any of that up. 

My Parents

My parents live about 1.5 hours away, and I am very happy with this buffer, it is enough for us to get there on Holidays, but no so much as to annoy us all the time. If you have seen posts about my father you will understand why I feel annoyed though I normally can laugh it off with a tasty drink, or some yoga LOL.  With their health deteriorating I hope they will consider a condo soon nearer my house, but I too have concerns over them being so close and hope they will understand and respect the changing dynamic.

 

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My IL's will go to their grave not knowing this, but we did move so I could get some distance from them.   When DH and I first married, we lived 20 minutes away, from my IL's, and they were over quite a bit especially after ODD was born a year into our marriage.  The day I decided to move, was when I came home after being out for a few hours and leaving my MIL with ODD and DS, and saw that she had put her ornaments all over my Christmas tree.  Of all the invasive things she did, and there are many, this one remains one of the worst ones as my Christmas trees was so personal to me with the ornaments I put on it which all had meaning.  They were ornament I made or my kids made or gifts I received over the years or ornaments I purchased when I traveled.

I was pregnant with YDD when this happened, but it didn't matter, we had to move.  I needed distance from my IL's for my marriage to survive.  DH and I put our home on the market a 2 weeks after YDD was born, and we moved when she was 6 weeks old.  We moved an hour away, and I took a time out from my IL's and just enjoyed my IL free home.  The mistake I made going forward was agreeing to let my IL's visit our new home on a weekly basis when YDD was about 2 yrs old.  They were very good waiting and guilting/manipulating DH to get what they wanted, which worked as DH and I were both rescuers.  My IL's ended up resuming their invasive visits to my home, having learned nothing and evolved not at all - until that came to an end as well.

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My initial move from my home province was ABSOLUTELY to get away from my FOO. Not the *sole* reason, but absolutely a consideration in choosing to move long distance. A big one.

Moves since? We've deliberately chosen *not* to look for opportunities close to my FOO or MIL. We don't want to be local. We made the move last year based solely on real estate market and cost of living situations, since neither of us *have* to be anywhere in particular, other than staying in Canada.

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We're the opposite. When we had a 2 yr old and I was pregnant with the twins DH had the opportunity to transfer from the Midwest to the West Coast. We turned in down in large part to not move the kids away from the GPs. I can't tell you how many times since I've wish we had done it. It was 10 years ago. I still regret it.

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On 10/18/2016 at 7:20 AM, RoseRed135 said:

have you ever moved far away from family/ILs to put some distance between you? Or do they seem to suspect that, even though you did it for more practical reasons?

We detested being retired, needed a cash influx, wanted to get away from our family and my family circus 4-6 months a year and we love to travel. Working OOT/traveling accomplishes all our needs. Of course our kids and my family know, we told them that we need private time and space, neither of which we get in our home-area, ever.

Edited by JanelleK
word choice

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I moved my now ex and a 4-year old to another continent to start from scratch just to be away from my abusive parents. It was 15 years ago...well, almost. We have had some contact over the years which I tried to initiate but the relationship just isn't there and neither side is particularly invested to keep at it. I have had 2 more children since, remarried too... my parents don't know or care when their birthdays are let alone anything more. They are fully invested in my older sister now - I doubt she welcomes that but she is a 'good girl' and I guess patience is a virtue since she'll be the one getting the inheritance (parents are well off by local standards). Not that I care, we are doing great where we are, just sad that my kids don't have a set of grandparents. Also explaining why they don't care is a little tricky but I don't feel like fixing anything anymore.

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On 11/15/2016 at 0:53 AM, JulyBug said:

I moved my now ex and a 4-year old to another continent to start from scratch just to be away from my abusive parents. It was 15 years ago...well, almost. We have had some contact over the years which I tried to initiate but the relationship just isn't there and neither side is particularly invested to keep at it. I have had 2 more children since, remarried too... my parents don't know or care when their birthdays are let alone anything more. They are fully invested in my older sister now - I doubt she welcomes that but she is a 'good girl' and I guess patience is a virtue since she'll be the one getting the inheritance (parents are well off by local standards). Not that I care, we are doing great where we are, just sad that my kids don't have a set of grandparents. Also explaining why they don't care is a little tricky but I don't feel like fixing anything anymore.

So deeply sorry that your parents have been abusive and uncaring, JulyBug. My heart goes out to you! But glad you were able to get some serious (and literal) space between your family and them. That must have taken courage, but, no doubt, it was the best idea. While I agree it's "sad that (your) kids don't have a set of grandparents," sometimes, IMO, that's better being around GPs who are cruel or cause a lot of hurtful drama.

But when you say they "don't have a set of" GPs, do you mean they don't have any at all? Or just that there are none in the vicinity (no GPs to visit w/ once a week or once a month, etc)?

ETA: Never mind. I see my question is answered in one of your other posts (in Grandparents Caring for Grandkids).

 

Edited by RoseRed135
typo

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On 10/18/2016 at 10:41 AM, PLS21 said:

I think for the relationships sake it's best to not think the move for another family 'is all about you'. That anger and resentment just isn't going to help and even if you're ballsy enough to straight out ask, you may not get a straight answer.

Most people move for better area, better pay, or better job (sometimes a better job doesn't mean better pay, people leave jobs at a high percentage because bad management/boss). And sometimes in the back of the mind it may also be because they need to get away from family members, but usually it's not the ONLY reason for a move.

Dh's FOO is 'close' and were very angry/PA about DH'S career choice went meant leaving their small town. They blame me, which I'll own it I did push him to go after his dreams and not to just 'settle' because most of his family looks down on people who have careers.

But the major reason for our move (or rather constant moving) is because that's the nature of his career. He's going to have to have alot of years of experience before we can become stationary, and even then there's no jobs anywhere near his family. There was in the back of our minds that this jobs nature was a benefit since we really needed some space from his family, but it wasn't the only reason for it. 

His FOO believes that I'm the only reason for the move, not that this is his dream job, he loves traveling, this is an amazing experience for ourselves and our children... nope it's all about them. The move brought the worse out of them and I think my DH has become to dislike his FOO even more now than before, unfortunately so it hasn't really helped the relationship.

My family it's the 'norm' to move away, travel, etc (military tradition)... so it doesn't bother them.. my DM probably would've turned up her nose and gave me a tongue lashing if I made DH turn down a travel job in order to stay near her.

It's good for me to see this other side. "DM would've given a lounge lashing if I made my husband turn down a job in order to stay near her". Thanks for sharing.

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Yes, my only daughter has moved from England all the way to America with a man who is much older than her. We have had no real contact for over a year, and she just just recently gave birth to my first grandchild a couple of months ago. She never phoned to tell me she was pregnant, I found out from a social media pict that she was. I have never met my granddaughter, have only seen a couple of pict on social media. She tells family it is because of me being a bad parent. I know am not perfect, and neither is she, and what she is doing by not letting me see my only grandchild is horrible.  After everything I have done for her, she is so ungrateful and spiteful. I think her partner has brainwashed her, and now I don't even recognise her anymore. When I visited her last she was rude, argumentative, and avoided me the whole time, or spent it out all night.  

Anonymous poster hash: 6c736...b1b

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3 minutes ago, INCOGNITO said:

Yes, my only daughter has moved from England all the way to America with a man who is much older than her. We have had no real contact for over a year, and she just just recently gave birth to my first grandchild a couple of months ago. She never phoned to tell me she was pregnant, I found out from a social media pict that she was. I have never met my granddaughter, have only seen a couple of pict on social media. She tells family it is because of me being a bad parent. I know am not perfect, and neither is she, and what she is doing by not letting me see my only grandchild is horrible.  After everything I have done for her, she is so ungrateful and spiteful. I think her partner has brainwashed her, and now I don't even recognise her anymore. When I visited her last she was rude, argumentative, and avoided me the whole time, or spent it out all night.  

Anonymous poster hash: 6c736...b1b

The underlined portions are your keys to why you are not getting along, imo.

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

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I only say

Quote

Ungrateful and selfish

because I bought her a house nearby me so she wouldn't have have to deal with the sky high rent prices, to move away from her family who love her, and so if she needed something, I would be there close by to help her out, because she is my daughter, and I love her. She was never grateful for it, and never said "Thank you Dad" and just one day up and left over 3 years ago, and left me to deal with the mortgage. I have only seen her once since then when I went on holiday to the USA to she her. She couldn't even bother to spend the time with us after we traveled so far to see her. 

Anonymous poster hash: 6c736...b1b

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Incognito, I am so sorry you have joined us under such circumstances.  If your daughter never even phoned to tell you she was pregnant, but was she aware you would see the picture on social media? 

It doesn't seem that your daughter is in a mental place to be ready to have any contact with you at this time.  Have you moved or changed your phone number?  If not, she does know where to find you.  I think it is best at this time to just wait until a time when she tries to contact you.

Maybe some counseling to come to terms with anything that might be a barrier between the two of you.

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9 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

Incognito, I am so sorry you have joined us under such circumstances.  If your daughter never even phoned to tell you she was pregnant, but was she aware you would see the picture on social media? 

It doesn't seem that your daughter is in a mental place to be ready to have any contact with you at this time.  Have you moved or changed your phone number?  If not, she does know where to find you.  I think it is best at this time to just wait until a time when she tries to contact you.

Maybe some counseling to come to terms with anything that might be a barrier between the two of you.

She is not on social media, but her partners sister is, and she posted some photos of my daughters baby shower, and my granddaughter on her Facebook.  It hurts, I don't understand how she could just turn her back on us, only that her partner has her controlled. There is no other possible reason.  No change of address for me, I have lived in the same town, and same house for over 50 years. We have had the same number for over 30 years. I do understand what you are saying, but it has been over a year now. The little one will grow up so quick, and I don't want to miss so much of my granddaughters life. She knows how much I have wanted grandchildren, so I really believe she has done this to me out of spite.

 

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I'm sorry you feel this way, but if you ever hope to have a pleasant relationship with your granddaughter in the future, you need to have at least a positive attitude about your own daughter.

Too many times we are reminded that our main relationship needs to be with our own adult children and then through them a relationship with our grandchildren.

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7 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

I'm sorry you feel this way, but if you ever hope to have a pleasant relationship with your granddaughter in the future, you need to have at least a positive attitude about your own daughter.

Too many times we are reminded that our main relationship needs to be with our own adult children and then through them a relationship with our grandchildren.

I do agree with you, and thank you for listening to me.  I will try. I am just very hurt by the circumstances, and completely lost about what to do fix the relationship.  I just want to fix things, and have my daughter home where she should be with her family.  

Anonymous poster hash: 6c736...b1b

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Posted (edited)

Hi again, Incog 6c736! I just spoke to you in another thread. Once again, I am so sorry that you are hurting this way.

What a shock it must have been when your daughter up and moved out of the house you bought her! Is it possible that your she never wanted the house near you and DW (dear wife)? (You referred to yourself as "Dad," so I take it "we" means you and her mother.) If so, perhaps that's why she didn't show any gratitude for it and moved away, anyhow? I know you were trying to be helpful and, IMO (in my opinion) it was very generous of you. If she didn't want it, though, I'm sorry , but it might not have seemed like "help" to her. If this is the case,

It must have been an even bigger shock to find out about your new GB (grandbaby) on social media! If it's any help at all, this is not unusual when parents and their AC (adult child/ren) are estranged. And since there has been "no real contact for over a year," I'm afraid that's the case here. My heart goes out to you and DW.

You say you want to "fix the relationship,"  but do you know what went wrong? I'm sure you're not such a "bad parent" (or no worse than the rest of us, LOL), but do you have any idea why she thinks/says that? Were there any issues in her childhood, teenage or young adult years that have angered her? You don't have to tell us if you don't want to, but perhaps you can identify them for yourself? Or if you do share them w/ us, we may be able to help you figure out how to begin to "fix things," if possible. Up to you.

Meanwhile, we usually ask members not to pull up a thread that's more than 3 months unless they're the OP (original poster) or it's a "stickypost"/thread pinned to the front of a forum w/ a thumbtack icon. However, I understand why you posted here, and since I'm the OP of this one, I'm going to ok it. :)

Edited by RoseRed135
to add a couple of thoughts

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P.S. If your daughter didn't really want the house, it wouldn't be the first time I heard of this happening. Some AC (adult children) just don't want their parents choosing a home for them or buying one near the family.

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9 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

Yes, my only daughter has moved from England all the way to America with a man who is much older than her. We have had no real contact for over a year, and she just just recently gave birth to my first grandchild a couple of months ago. She never phoned to tell me she was pregnant, I found out from a social media pict that she was. I have never met my granddaughter, have only seen a couple of pict on social media. She tells family it is because of me being a bad parent. I know am not perfect, and neither is she, and what she is doing by not letting me see my only grandchild is horrible.  After everything I have done for her, she is so ungrateful and spiteful. I think her partner has brainwashed her, and now I don't even recognise her anymore. When I visited her last she was rude, argumentative, and avoided me the whole time, or spent it out all night.  

Anonymous poster hash: 6c736...b1b

How is her living her life ungrateful and spiteful? Was she somehow obligated to always stay local to you?

She avoided you the whole time? Did she know you were coming? She's an adult, what does it matter where she was all night?

8 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

I only say

because I bought her a house nearby me so she wouldn't have have to deal with the sky high rent prices, to move away from her family who love her, and so if she needed something, I would be there close by to help her out, because she is my daughter, and I love her. She was never grateful for it, and never said "Thank you Dad" and just one day up and left over 3 years ago, and left me to deal with the mortgage. I have only seen her once since then when I went on holiday to the USA to she her. She couldn't even bother to spend the time with us after we traveled so far to see her. 

Anonymous poster hash: 6c736...b1b

Did she ask you to buy the home? Did she want to be living so close? Was this something you thought she *ought* to want, or something that she said she wanted?

Did you plan a visit with her, or did you show up?

8 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

She is not on social media, but her partners sister is, and she posted some photos of my daughters baby shower, and my granddaughter on her Facebook.  It hurts, I don't understand how she could just turn her back on us, only that her partner has her controlled. There is no other possible reason.  No change of address for me, I have lived in the same town, and same house for over 50 years. We have had the same number for over 30 years. I do understand what you are saying, but it has been over a year now. The little one will grow up so quick, and I don't want to miss so much of my granddaughters life. She knows how much I have wanted grandchildren, so I really believe she has done this to me out of spite.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 6c736...b1b

Hang on. You've only seen your dd once in three years. How do you know her partner's sister, and her social media?

There is another reason other than her partner controlling her: your daughter is an adult, and doesn't want what you want for her life.

You believe that she left the country, moved overseas and had a child just to spite you?

Why is it not more plausible that she's making choices about her life that make her happy, and actually don't involve you in the decision making process at all?

8 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

I do agree with you, and thank you for listening to me.  I will try. I am just very hurt by the circumstances, and completely lost about what to do fix the relationship.  I just want to fix things, and have my daughter home where she should be with her family.  

Anonymous poster hash: 6c736...b1b

Your daughter IS with her family. Her partner and her child.

It sounds as though you resent her growing up. You resent her not living the life you wanted her to live.

 

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