• Announcements

    • LatoyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LatoyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
RoseRed135

The NEW Are YOU a long distance grandparent?

49 posts in this topic

HangingInThee...I'm sorry the news about your son and his family is upsetting to you.  BUT....living a short distance apart doesn't mean there will be a "close relationship" either.

My DD and her family live about 30 minutes away.  We are lucky if we "see" her and our GD even once a month and that is usually when they drop in to brush their teeth on the way to the orthodontist once a month.  Next year, she will go to high school in a different district and we won't see them that often.

Really, their reason for moving doesn't have to 'feel right' to anybody except them.  I am sorry her mother was rude to you, but just ignore her and try to maintain a relationship with your son.  I raise my two an eleven mile drive from my parents and they were always closer with them than with their paternal grandparents who live a short 5 miles away.

There are many more methods of communication now than there was thirty years ago when I was raising my kids.  My parents made an effort to attend as many school and sports functions as possible with my Dad working a full time job.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome HanginginThere! I'm so sorry you're hurting! But I'm glad you brought your concerns to us.

If it's any comfort, you're not alone. You'll see this if you look through this forum or even just this thread. Many GPs have AC (adult children) and GC who live at a distance. It isn't easy, especially if they once lived closer, but, in time, people often find ways to stay connected.

If it's any help, also, it's not unusual for DILs (or DDs or SILs, etc) to ask the GPs not to come over w/o an invite. Yes, it can be due to jealousy, but it can also be b/c of a need for greater privacy, etc. Some people are like that.

Regardless,  it was wise of you, IMO (in my opinion) to respect DIL's request and give her that space. I sense that you feel as if she tricked you b/c, apparently, she then turned around and used your infrequent visits as a reason - "reason(?)" - to move far away/closer to Disney World. I'm so sorry if respecting her boundary backfired on you that way. But I hope it reassures you to realize that if you had ignored it and pushed for more time w/ their family, etc., the consequences probably would have been worse. At least, this way, you still have a relationship w/ them, and no doubt, you will get to visit/stay in touch, even if not as much as you would like.

As for DIL's mom, IMO, her behavior towards you that last night was awful! Is she always like this? Or do you think she was feeling unsettled by the move (even though she chose to go) or maybe a little guilty that she was going while you would end up at a distance? Regardless, I think you need to avoid "heavy" conversations w/ her in the future. I suggest trying to keep any conversing w/ her short and light.  Instead, please just focus on enjoying DS and your 2 GDs whenever you see/talk to them.

It will take time, but trust me, you and DH (dear husband) will adjust. Hope you keep talking w/ us. We're here for you!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you Rose Red for your understanding!  My DIL's mom has always gave the impression that my GD's are more hers than mine.  But I just let her feel that way and enjoyed my GD's.  You actually helped me to feel better when you told me about other people needing more privacy than others and that fits my DIL to a "T".  Yes it does feel like it backfired since I gave her that space, but I agree that things could have been worse if I had pushed the issue.  

I also agree that conversing with DIL's mom should be short and light.  I already thought of that, since I don't like confrontation anyway.

I also appreciate the "hope" of adjustment you gave me.  I feel like I'm grieving.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

SueSTx,  

You're right!  It doesn't have to feel right to anyone except them. Thank you for putting that into perspective for me.  I will try some of the new communication that is out there.  Maybe it will help with the adjustment.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

20 minutes ago, HangingInThere said:

Thank you Rose Red for your understanding!  My DIL's mom has always gave the impression that my GD's are more hers than mine.  But I just let her feel that way and enjoyed my GD's.  You actually helped me to feel better when you told me about other people needing more privacy than others and that fits my DIL to a "T".  Yes it does feel like it backfired since I gave her that space, but I agree that things could have been worse if I had pushed the issue.  

I also agree that conversing with DIL's mom should be short and light.  I already thought of that, since I don't like confrontation anyway.

I also appreciate the "hope" of adjustment you gave me.  I feel like I'm grieving.

Thanks for the show of appreciation! Glad to be of help!

Sorry to hear that DIL's mom always acts as if "GD's are more hers than (yours)." You're very wise, IMO, not to let it get to you.

As for the bolded statement, it's very understandable. Again, if you have time to look through the posts here, you'll see that many GPs feel that way when their AC and GC move far away. There's a sense of "loss," I suppose - loss of relationships, etc., even if you didn't see them that often. So yes, IMO, you are grieving. (((Hugs!)))

But, of course, the relationships aren't being lost - just changing. Hopefully, you and they will be able to work out ways to keep in touch that will help.

 

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/26/2017 at 7:46 PM, paintby123 said:

I can't stop crying.  My Daughter and husband have decided they want to live closer to family...his family.  They have two children under the age of 3 and have been far from us for the past 6 years. They live on the east coast and we live in the midwest.  Work is not an issue for them and they just bought a house in the same city as SIL's parents.  Sadly for us the flights are fewer and way more expensive.  It will be an 11 hour drive for us.  My husband cannot retire for another 5 years and only gets a couple weeks vacation a year so it will be hard to see them throughout the year.   I feel such rejection, I am usually pretty strong but this has done me in.  My children have always come first in my life.  I really have lived for my kids, they have been everything.  My sister and sister in law both have grandchildren in the same city as them and love to boast about how great it is.  My sister in law called my last week and went on and on about how painful it would be to not be able to see your grandchildren every day like she does. Just rubbing it in.

 

so sorry paintby123 to see your situation.  I am able to feel your situation from both sides.  I raised my kids geographically separated from my widowed mother also.Just do everything you can to keep communication open with your daughter and son-in-Law until the grandkids are old enough to communicate on their own.  I use the grandma name e-maw since when I became a grandmother, I lived over 1,000 miles away from my Son and Daughter-in-Law.  Since then I have moved within 4 miles of my Son's family.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, my only daughter has moved from the UK to the USA. It is hard because she has cut contact with me, and I have never even see my only grandchild.  What makes it worse is that they have moved house, and now I don't know where they are, or how to try and contact them. 

Anonymous poster hash: 6c736...b1b

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't try to contact them at this time.  Why not wait and let her contact you when she has had time to sort out her feelings about your relationship?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/28/2016 at 9:28 AM, RoseRed135 said:

@cjmmytunes  - Repeating the question I asked you in the now-locked thread... Do you, hopefully, get to keep in touch w/ your LD family between holidays, via Skype, email, FB, FaceTime, snail mail, phone calls or whatever?

 

This is an old thread, I'm a new member, I'm uncertain if this thread is still active? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Welcome TuTu.  This is a "pinned" thread (has a green thumbtack as an icon) and it remains open to use especially for new members who need to amass 10 posts before they can open their own thread. 

Look around and post in the pantry and general gabbery especially, even just a short response.  We do ask members not to post in threads that are more than three months old if they are not pinned unless they are the OP...original poster.

Again welcome.

Edited by SueSTx
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

@dangardner - Welcome! I've sent you a PM (personal message). To find it, please click on the envelope icon at the top right of this page. Thank you, :)

Edited by RoseRed135
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A post in this thread has been deleted.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/28/2016 at 9:24 AM, RoseRed135 said:

Do you live far away from your adult DS (dear son)/DD (dear daughter) and GC (grandchildren)? If so, how do you cope w/ the distance/keep in touch, etc., if at all?

Same question if you live far from any other family/ILs that you like to keep in contact w/ or who want to  maintain contact w/ you.

I would love to hear how others cope with being so far away from their grandchildren and AC.  I do not cope well with it at all and often feel like I am a grandmother in name only.  I send my granddaughter gifts and only recently have the opportunity to facetime with her because I can only do face time when SIL is not home. GD is 6 and sometimes I feel like she gets distracted and it is also difficult for me to facetime because it upsets me for days afterward that face time is my only means of connection.  My main issue is keeping myself busy with other things to distract me from the pain I feel from being a LDGM.  I find it difficult to accept the distance and I cry about it way too much especially around birthdays and holidays as I know the PGP's get to spend every one with them.  I tried therapy but it really did not help much.  I never got the opportunity to really know my granddaughter in person from day one.  Never had the opportunity to bond with her in person and I am the maternal grandmother.  It does not help that I do not like my SIL and that the PGP's live five minutes away from my DD and GC and have taken over every aspect of their lives.  I understand it is my daughters choices (although SIL made this choice and she just went along with it).  I feel completely left out. Its so complicated.   My mantra has become "it is what it is" and I say it to myself daily.  I try to have hobbies and exercise. I have not been able to enjoy friendships as the friends often talk to me about how much fun they have with their GC.  Non of their children have moved away and that becomes way too painful  for me to hear so now I have no friends that understand my situation so I feel isolated and like a depressed idiot. I have also decided not to visit because my SIL and his family makes the visits so excruciatingly uncomfortable for me and my DH and we refuse to go where we are not wanted. It doesn't help anyone that I also resent SIL's family for taking over everything. It's hard not to blame, especially after being treated so badly by SIL and PGP's.  So I really would like suggestions on coping.  

My heart goes out to the other posters on this thread and I would love to hear if anything has changed in their lives and how they are all doing.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
41 minutes ago, Gramster58 said:

I would love to hear how others cope with being so far away from their grandchildren and AC.  I do not cope well with it at all and often feel like I am a grandmother in name only.  I send my granddaughter gifts and only recently have the opportunity to facetime with her because I can only do face time when SIL is not home. GD is 6 and sometimes I feel like she gets distracted and it is also difficult for me to facetime because it upsets me for days afterward that face time is my only means of connection.  My main issue is keeping myself busy with other things to distract me from the pain I feel from being a LDGM.  I find it difficult to accept the distance and I cry about it way too much especially around birthdays and holidays as I know the PGP's get to spend every one with them.  I tried therapy but it really did not help much.  I never got the opportunity to really know my granddaughter in person from day one.  Never had the opportunity to bond with her in person and I am the maternal grandmother.  It does not help that I do not like my SIL and that the PGP's live five minutes away from my DD and GC and have taken over every aspect of their lives.  I understand it is my daughters choices (although SIL made this choice and she just went along with it).  I feel completely left out. Its so complicated.   My mantra has become "it is what it is" and I say it to myself daily.  I try to have hobbies and exercise. I have not been able to enjoy friendships as the friends often talk to me about how much fun they have with their GC.  Non of their children have moved away and that becomes way too painful  for me to hear so now I have no friends that understand my situation so I feel isolated and like a depressed idiot. I have also decided not to visit because my SIL and his family makes the visits so excruciatingly uncomfortable for me and my DH and we refuse to go where we are not wanted. It doesn't help anyone that I also resent SIL's family for taking over everything. It's hard not to blame, especially after being treated so badly by SIL and PGP's.  So I really would like suggestions on coping.  

My heart goes out to the other posters on this thread and I would love to hear if anything has changed in their lives and how they are all doing.  

If your daughter went along with it, that's a decision- She chose to go along with it- And that might be the part that hurts most of all and might be the most difficult to accept- Perhaps you wish that your daughter's decision was different, that you and your husband were given more consideration when the decision was made- But it's a fact that quite frequently people gravitate towards who they feel will offer more to their children according to their preferences of what they think is best- Sometimes grandparents who've not a lot to give in the preferred areas get left out- It is what it is until it isn't, meaning your situation isn't unique- Many grandparents are experiencing situations similar to yours, they're heartbroken over the distance- One thing that's important, I think, to keep in mind is that before you know it these babies and young, adorable children will be fully grown and making decisions of their own that their parents will be faced with and that they might have difficulty navigating- In the meantime you do have a life to live, you've a husband and friends and your own personal interests just waiting to be tapped into- I understand how easy it is to become "consumed" with a particular situation and have the outcome of doing so take it's toll- Especially when a loss is involved- But suffering through the loss of any kind is completely normal- The only suggestion I have to offer is to explore the stories on this site (and others) to see how others cope with their situations- They don't even need to be similar to yours to offer some kind of insight regarding carrying on with life after a loss or great disappointment- 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Komorebi said:

If your daughter went along with it, that's a decision- She chose to go along with it- And that might be the part that hurts most of all and might be the most difficult to accept- Perhaps you wish that your daughter's decision was different, that you and your husband were given more consideration when the decision was made- But it's a fact that quite frequently people gravitate towards who they feel will offer more to their children according to their preferences of what they think is best- Sometimes grandparents who've not a lot to give in the preferred areas get left out- It is what it is until it isn't, meaning your situation isn't unique- Many grandparents are experiencing situations similar to yours, they're heartbroken over the distance- One thing that's important, I think, to keep in mind is that before you know it these babies and young, adorable children will be fully grown and making decisions of their own that their parents will be faced with and that they might have difficulty navigating- In the meantime you do have a life to live, you've a husband and friends and your own personal interests just waiting to be tapped into- I understand how easy it is to become "consumed" with a particular situation and have the outcome of doing so take it's toll- Especially when a loss is involved- But suffering through the loss of any kind is completely normal- The only suggestion I have to offer is to explore the stories on this site (and others) to see how others cope with their situations- They don't even need to be similar to yours to offer some kind of insight regarding carrying on with life after a loss or great disappointment- 

Thank you for your reply and suggestions.  I have been looking through quite a few threads and have found some insight already.  I think you are right in that the most difficult thing to accept is my daughter's decisions.  I guess when I think back, a lot of her decisions have affected me terribly and I wished she had made different ones.  I supported her with each of her decisions even when I did not agree with them but now I find there were bad consequences that came with her decisions that affected me and her family, so her decisions had a negative effect on not only herself but to me and her brother and to all of the extended family now.  I suppose I could post the whole story somewhere on the website but I have no idea under what category it falls as it falls into many.  I am not estranged from her or my GD although I am limited in my contact.  I have issues with my SIL (he cheated on my daughter 3 times).  His parents compete with our family and they have played a major part in the story but they are only part of it. So to start my story here I first have to know where to post it.  I guess I will lurk a bit more to find the right place.  As far as the grandparents having more to offer than the other, I don't think there was a difference here.  In actuality, we would have been the preferred GP's as far as needs or preferred areas went.  It just wasn't what SIL wanted and what he says goes. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Gramster58 said:

I have issues with my SIL (he cheated on my daughter 3 times)

She should not have shared this with you if she planned to stay with him. You can hate the way he's treated your daughter, justifiably, but she's chosen to stay...that means you have to accept/respect her decision without holding a grudge. It shows his lack of character. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

9 hours ago, Gramster58 said:

Thank you for your reply and suggestions.  I have been looking through quite a few threads and have found some insight already.  I think you are right in that the most difficult thing to accept is my daughter's decisions.  I guess when I think back, a lot of her decisions have affected me terribly and I wished she had made different ones.  I supported her with each of her decisions even when I did not agree with them but now I find there were bad consequences that came with her decisions that affected me and her family, so her decisions had a negative effect on not only herself but to me and her brother and to all of the extended family now.  I suppose I could post the whole story somewhere on the website but I have no idea under what category it falls as it falls into many.  I am not estranged from her or my GD although I am limited in my contact.  I have issues with my SIL (he cheated on my daughter 3 times).  His parents compete with our family and they have played a major part in the story but they are only part of it. So to start my story here I first have to know where to post it.  I guess I will lurk a bit more to find the right place.  As far as the grandparents having more to offer than the other, I don't think there was a difference here.  In actuality, we would have been the preferred GP's as far as needs or preferred areas went.  It just wasn't what SIL wanted and what he says goes. 

I understand- But if what he says goes then his parents will remain the preferred until the preference changes- She still prefers to go with what he says-

If this entire situation with the other grandparents was a contest, they won- And they will continue to hold that title as long as your daughter prefers to go along with what he says- There is nothing to be gained from hoping to win after the finish line has been crossed by the other team- But I understand how such a loss can hurt in every way possible-

I think I'm odd man out when it comes to what is acceptable to talk about with adult children -- which is anything- Providing I can accept what they have to say, respect the confidentiality of the exchange, be supportive without choosing sides during the conversation, listen attentively and not make suggestions unless they're asked for or the conversation is the type thats open to expressing what I think at that time-  I can always vent afterwards by writing in a journal or shift my attention to something else- But honestly I think peoples minds run in loops and you can almost expect that they will talk about the same 5 or 10 things until their interests shift or something new arises in their relationships- Sometimes I have to fight against my own loop and shift my interests not to obsess about a particular thing that's on my mind .. and return to it at another time after I put it down for a while ..

Edited by Komorebi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Gramster58 said:

Thank you for your reply and suggestions.  I have been looking through quite a few threads and have found some insight already.  I think you are right in that the most difficult thing to accept is my daughter's decisions.  I guess when I think back, a lot of her decisions have affected me terribly and I wished she had made different ones.  I supported her with each of her decisions even when I did not agree with them but now I find there were bad consequences that came with her decisions that affected me and her family, so her decisions had a negative effect on not only herself but to me and her brother and to all of the extended family now.  I suppose I could post the whole story somewhere on the website but I have no idea under what category it falls as it falls into many.  I am not estranged from her or my GD although I am limited in my contact.  I have issues with my SIL (he cheated on my daughter 3 times).  His parents compete with our family and they have played a major part in the story but they are only part of it. So to start my story here I first have to know where to post it.  I guess I will lurk a bit more to find the right place.  As far as the grandparents having more to offer than the other, I don't think there was a difference here.  In actuality, we would have been the preferred GP's as far as needs or preferred areas went.  It just wasn't what SIL wanted and what he says goes. 

Since your story "falls into many categories," why not unload your various concerns in Grandparents Unplugged? Or since there are some IL issues involved (w/ your SIL and DD's PILs) and you have already posted one thread in MIL Anonymous, perhaps you would do well to start another thread there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Since your story "falls into many categories," why not unload your various concerns in Grandparents Unplugged? Or since there are some IL issues involved (w/ your SIL and DD's PILs) and you have already posted one thread in MIL Anonymous, perhaps you would do well to start another thread there.

Excellent suggestion, Rose. It's a general forum and the perfect place for your specific topic. We'll leave the light on.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi,

I've known for over a year that my daughter will be moving with my grandaughter across the country with her new husband so they can be near his children.  I'm heartbroken and scared.  So many of the things that I've read from having jealousy that the other family will be her everyday grandparents to having her forget about me are exactly what I feel.  My anger at my daughter has bubbled up in every fabric of my being and I didnt even notice it.  I'm an other wise intelligent person and I'm flabbergasted that I cant control my emotions.  I'm at a loss and only have weeks before they leave me for their bright shiny new life and I need to get a grip. I'm completely at a loss and feel bereft.  Help.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, RJones said:

Hi,

I've known for over a year that my daughter will be moving with my grandaughter across the country with her new husband so they can be near his children.  I'm heartbroken and scared.  So many of the things that I've read from having jealousy that the other family will be her everyday grandparents to having her forget about me are exactly what I feel.  My anger at my daughter has bubbled up in every fabric of my being and I didnt even notice it.  I'm an other wise intelligent person and I'm flabbergasted that I cant control my emotions.  I'm at a loss and only have weeks before they leave me for their bright shiny new life and I need to get a grip. I'm completely at a loss and feel bereft.  Help.....

(((Hugs!)))

And welcome!

So sorry you are hurting this way. That you can relate to what others here have said is good, however, IMO. In time, I'm sure you'll also benefit from some of their ideas/descriptions of how they stay in touch w/ their long distance family. Chances are, some LDGP (long distance grandparents) will come in here and share what works best for them.

IMO, it's normal for you to feel the way you do - you're grieving the "loss" of your relationship w/ DD (dear daughter) and GD (granddaughter) as you know it. No doubt, the relationship will adjust in time - and so will you - but I know that may be hard for you to see now.

Hang in there! We're here for you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I used to be a letter writer but nowadays it's skype,fb,email but I also send homemade postcards or cards to my  family overseas and also to keep in touch with my son ,dil and granddaughter in another state.  I take a lot of photographs with my iPhone of things that my family might enjoy and sometimes they send pics back. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/22/2017 at 8:12 PM, RJones said:

Hi,

I've known for over a year that my daughter will be moving with my grandaughter across the country with her new husband so they can be near his children.  I'm heartbroken and scared.  So many of the things that I've read from having jealousy that the other family will be her everyday grandparents to having her forget about me are exactly what I feel.  My anger at my daughter has bubbled up in every fabric of my being and I didnt even notice it.  I'm an other wise intelligent person and I'm flabbergasted that I cant control my emotions.  I'm at a loss and only have weeks before they leave me for their bright shiny new life and I need to get a grip. I'm completely at a loss and feel bereft.  Help.....

I am the nana whose moving closer to my son,dil and granddaughter and dealing with a jealous gran. I am not unsympathetic to her worries but it seems to be putting pressure on my dil and it's impacting what has been up to this point a fairly good relationship with my dil. I am working through it. 

I'd say venting here in a safe place it good,or some trusted friends but best to not put it on your daughter.  I have been the long distance nana and there are lots of things you can do to maintain a strong relationship with your granddaughter . Also as others suggest close proximity to a grandmother doesn't mean a grandchild will be closer to them or that a grandchild stops being close to you. 

 

Sending a hug 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Pearl is totally right on....My GMs lived within 20 minutes of my home when I was a child....both wonderful women in their own right, but totally different in appearance and character (one a farm woman, the other a department manager of an international bank)....I adored them both, learned so much from both, but preferred PGM...she understood my quirky nature, dealt with it head on without being hard...and we had some shared personality quirks...she passed when I was 10...broke my heart. MGM was a gracious lady who worked in banking and took the train into "the City" every day...all the g-girlies learned manners and appropriate behavior from her...she passed just weeks before DD was born...miss them both every day.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now