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CrazyCraftLady

How many gifts do you give your adult children and grandchildren?

25 posts in this topic

I'm just curious of what is typical for grandparents to do. Also does the number of grandchildren have any influence? Do you gift the same way you did your children when they were younger, one or two each...? 

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@CrazyCraftLady - Welcome back! It's been a long time! There has been an upgrade since you were last here and some things have changed. So you might want to check out these GP.com threads, if you haven't already (and even though you didn't "just join"):

 

 

 

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Hummm...I think the financial situation plays as big a part as anything.  When our AC were elementary age, they got maybe a new coat/boots, jeans and sweaters and "Santa" brought a toy (according to budget) and stocking stuffers. 

As adults, they have gotten TVs and vacuums etc, but for the past 10 years or more a small something and cash...as do the grands.

It is the parents job to provide a nice Christmas for the kiddos IMHO.  Besides which, the parents have at least double the income that we do.

 

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 I'm not sure that anything is "typical" for GPs when it comes to gifting their AC and GC. My guess is that it differs from family to family or even region to region, but I could be wrong, of course.

As for DH and me, we've cut back on the amount of gifts we get/amount we spend on gifts over the years, due to rising costs, growing family, etc. Also, in recent years, we've begun to focus more on Christmas gifts for our DGC though we still buy for our DDs and SIL.

Over time, also, we've developed some "traditional gifts" that we always get for this/that person. For example, DH always purchases a set of Xmas/holiday earrings for each DD., and they get him some of his favorite teas. Some people might find that boring, I know, but they look forward to it.

We've always worked w/ lists, esp where LOs were concerned and that continues. But we get a few "surprises," too. :)

Edited by RoseRed135
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My family has always gifted the same way. My GPs, my parents and PILs, and now my husband and I give our grands minimal Christmas gifts (jammies and books) and anonymously buy the bigger Santa gifts. It works well for us - the kiddies get what they want and need, their parents budgets aren't ruined, and we're allowed to participate in giving.

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Make smart budget decisions first thing! I have 9 GK  so don't go crazy, but I find fun, individually appropriate stuff for each along with something that everyone gets...most years its Tie Dye shirts/dresses. The kids love them. I do try to tune into each personality (and they are SOOOOOO different). Some years I make jammies for everyone (haven't done that in a couple of years, maybe next year). There are always gold wrapped chocolate coins and usually books of some sort. I rarely do toys, my AC have seen fit to shower their kids with every toy known to man.

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7 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

@CrazyCraftLady - Welcome back! It's been a long time! There has been an upgrade since you were last here and some things have changed. So you might want to check out these GP.com threads, if you haven't already (and even though you didn't "just join"):

 

 

 

I apologize I didn't think to read those posts I only read the rules for this particular section. I read them now though thank you.

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I appreciate the responses. I am a DiL and and never had a relationship with my own grandparents from either side. I also don't have contact with either of my parents anymore so my experience is limited to my husbands family.

 My husband and I were discussing gifting from his parents today and I wondered what other grandparents do. Whether his being an only child and our son being an only grandchild had anything to do with their gifting decisions.

To be brief, they gift a massive amount of gifts. Our son basically gets full santa treatment twice. To be fair they have cut down since the first couple of years but I think it's because my father in law agreed with us that it was too much. My husband said he thought this was the norm and I said I couldn't imagine it was because it's extremely expensive, but maybe they do it because he's an only grandchild of an only child.

I do see that there is no "norm" for specific gifts, I was just curious about quantity. Sometimes when I wonder if my feelings about something are my own issues or someone else's I look through the posts here for other people's perspectives. 

I do like the ideas you all have for gifting your children and grandchildren though, thoughtful and reasonable. I hope everyone has a wonderful and happy holiday : )

 

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3 hours ago, CrazyCraftLady said:

I apologize I didn't think to read those posts I only read the rules for this particular section. I read them now though thank you.

No reason to apologize. A lot of people don't think tp read those threads. :)

Edited by RoseRed135

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2 hours ago, CrazyCraftLady said:

I appreciate the responses. I am a DiL and and never had a relationship with my own grandparents from either side. I also don't have contact with either of my parents anymore so my experience is limited to my husbands family. Sorry about this.

 My husband and I were discussing gifting from his parents today and I wondered what other grandparents do. Whether his being an only child and our son being an only grandchild had anything to do with their gifting decisions.

To be brief, they gift a massive amount of gifts. Our son basically gets full santa treatment twice. To be fair they have cut down since the first couple of years but I think it's because my father in law agreed with us that it was too much. My husband said he thought this was the norm and I said I couldn't imagine it was because it's extremely expensive, but maybe they do it because he's an only grandchild of an only child.

I don't think it's "the norm" either, if only b/c some GPs couldn't afford it. But my ILs used to do this. We would have them and my mom over during the afternoon of Xmas Day and my ILs would come laden w/ gifts, most of which were for the kids. Whether it was b/c these were their only GC or whether they would have been like this, anyway, IDK. But I think if they had more grands, financial reality would have made them cut down.

I do see that there is no "norm" for specific gifts, I was just curious about quantity. Sometimes when I wonder if my feelings about something are my own issues or someone else's I look through the posts here for other people's perspectives. 

DH and I never worried about it, probably since it was only once a year (the ILs were generous on bdays, too, but not like on Xmas). And they got the kids mostly clothes, so it wasn't as big a deal to them as if it were a lot of toys. Perhaps we would have felt differently if they showered our DDs w/ a lot of dolls and other playthings.

But we often have DILs come in here and voice concern about one set of GPs giving the kids "too many" toys, especially on Xmas. And we've had some GPs complain that they've been asked to limit the number of gifts. Whether it's b/c the parents don't have the room or b/c they worry about their kids getting "spoiled" or whatever, this is not the first time this issue has come up here. You are not alone in your feelings.

I do like the ideas you all have for gifting your children and grandchildren though, thoughtful and reasonable. I hope everyone has a wonderful and happy holiday : )

Thanks for the holiday wishes! Same to you! :)

 

 

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As all the adult kids and grandchildren were getting older, my extended family switched to a gift exchange system.  Everyone still gives gifts to grandma, but the adult children and their spouses have a secret santa exchange where they buy one nice gift for their person, and the grandchildren college-age and above also have another gift exchange where it varies from year to year (sometimes, the gift is supposed to be a book of some type, or perhaps a $10 giftcard to some surprising business based on what you think the cousin would like most, etc).  The gift exchanges have simplified the holidays a lot so that we aren't all buying gifts for forty or fifty people!

Edited by natalia88
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Well, I have two bio grandchildren and I can afford to get them things and I love doing it, but my DS was upset with me for getting them too much. He got them each one thing which was all he could afford and maybe he felt I was making him look bad  but that was not my intention, and not what he accused me of. He simply accused me of spoiling them and said he "told me not to do this" but I did it anyway. :( 

 The mother (he is divorced) signs up for Toys for Tots every year and those kids get a ton of stuff from that too (either considered from the mother or Santa Clause. The gifts would be received in the mother's home).  So it is not as if they are actually deprived even if I didn't get them much. But it brings me so much joy and I video them opening their stuff. They spend a lot of time in my home and most of the toys they get stay in my home. This year they were absolutely delighted opening their gifts. I will treasure the memory forever and I got it all on video. I don't know how I'm going to handle this next year because I will definitely WANT to spoil them again and my DS will be angry at me AGAIN. I am hoping I can compromise with him somehow because he is telling me that I am only "allowed" to get them each one thing!

Anonymous poster hash: 78ce5...2b9

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Please do as your son asks....dial it back. Kids get overwhelmed by too much stuff...They'll pick favorites and ignore most of the gifts after a few days. Listen to the kids when they are talking about "what I want for Christmas/birthday" or just in regular conversation then pick something from those conversations. My #2 GB (grandboy) turned 10 recently. He's sort of a quirky kid and a big reader. He saw a commercial for "the clapper", the thing you plug into an outlet that you plug a reading light into then "clap on, clap off" to turn the item off or on. He likes to read in bed, but doesn't like to have to get up to turn the light off....He was thrilled to find the clapper and a reading light that mounts to his headboard in his birthday bag....the banana muffins I sent home with him were a big hit too. 

I've found that a single larger gift for Christmas and a "stocking" that's actually a smallish gift bag filled with little things. Those little things are always a hit.

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7 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

Well, I have two bio grandchildren and I can afford to get them things and I love doing it, but my DS was upset with me for getting them too much. He got them each one thing which was all he could afford and maybe he felt I was making him look bad  but that was not my intention, and not what he accused me of. He simply accused me of spoiling them and said he "told me not to do this" but I did it anyway. :( 

 The mother (he is divorced) signs up for Toys for Tots every year and those kids get a ton of stuff from that too (either considered from the mother or Santa Clause. The gifts would be received in the mother's home).  So it is not as if they are actually deprived even if I didn't get them much. But it brings me so much joy and I video them opening their stuff. They spend a lot of time in my home and most of the toys they get stay in my home. This year they were absolutely delighted opening their gifts. I will treasure the memory forever and I got it all on video. I don't know how I'm going to handle this next year because I will definitely WANT to spoil them again and my DS will be angry at me AGAIN. I am hoping I can compromise with him somehow because he is telling me that I am only "allowed" to get them each one thing!

Anonymous poster hash: 78ce5...2b9

Your son doesn't have to compromise. These are his children. What *he* wants for his children is more important than what you want.

If you don't respect your son, he may not want you around his children. Respect his parenting decisions.

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55 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

Your son doesn't have to compromise. These are his children. What *he* wants for his children is more important than what you want.

If you don't respect your son, he may not want you around his children. Respect his parenting decisions.

I agree completely. We had our chance to raise our children our way.  Now its their turn. If we don't respect their parenting choices, we are expendable and that's as it should be. It would be a pity to force him to cut you off over something so minor as how many gifts are appropriate.

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On 12/23/2016 at 9:13 AM, CrazyCraftLady said:

I'm just curious of what is typical for grandparents to do. Also does the number of grandchildren have any influence? Do you gift the same way you did your children when they were younger, one or two each...? 

I can't speak at all to "what's typical". I didn't grow up with grandparents who could afford to give gifts.  Nor did my parents often give gifts to my older children. My former MiL loved to give my older children huge numbers of very expensive gifts, which I thought was weird and not terribly appropriate, but there you go. Different families.

My current, late MiL had it about prefect IMO. She never missed a birthday or Christmas - ans always, the children knew it was going to be a "Mormor shirt".  That's what they called her and my younger son always really, really looked forward to his shirt from his grandmother.

I have a dozen grandchildren, and a very limited budget. Even if I thought being "grandma money bags" was a good plan, I couldn't do it. Because I can't always pull it off at a predictable time, I rarely send gifts for "the usual".  I write a letter once a month.  I send hand made cards for birthdays and holidays (even some pretty obscure holidays). And randomly, I send gifts.  This year, when school started in Australia at the start of January, I sent the Australian grandchildren books for "Back to school". That won't work for my Non-English speaking grandchildren, so I plan to send pens with their names engraved on them to the teen-aged grandchildren when they start school in August/September.  Still pondering what to get for the non-English speaking little ones for Back to School.  I don't think they wear uniforms to school, so maybe the shirt idea is a good one. :P 

I'd love to be able to give the children gifts.  Occasionally, when I have been "flush", I have given them each a gift, but now that Im retired, my "gift" is likely to be my visits. :D

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I give both my kids and grandkids a token gift of approx. $10 for Christmas and the grands for their Bdays.  If you are really in touch with them you can gift something that goes with their interest for that amount working with sales etc.  My young teen GD knows what my approx. budget is and she gives a couple of ideas as to what she would like.  These are ideas she has not shared with others.

I also gift a cash amount that they can buy themselves something or save it for the littles.  I never ask what they do with their money, because well, once given...it is their money.  I am pretty sure that my DIL buys concert tickets each year with hers.  I think that is great.  My DD and SIL said they needed new tires and my DS has a couple of pricey toys he tinkers with.  Nobody has ever complained about receiving cash.

Edited by SueSTx
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10 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

Well, I have two bio grandchildren and I can afford to get them things and I love doing it, but my DS was upset with me for getting them too much. He got them each one thing which was all he could afford and maybe he felt I was making him look bad  but that was not my intention, and not what he accused me of. He simply accused me of spoiling them and said he "told me not to do this" but I did it anyway. :(Uh-oh!

 The mother (he is divorced) signs up for Toys for Tots every year and those kids get a ton of stuff from that too (either considered from the mother or Santa Clause. This may be one of the reasons DS is concerned about how many gifts you are giving.  The gifts would be received in the mother's home).  So it is not as if they are actually deprived even if I didn't get them much. But it brings me so much joy and I video them opening their stuff. They spend a lot of time in my home and most of the toys they get stay in my home.

When DH complained, did he realize that most of the toys you got would be staying in your home? Also, the fact that the kids are at your house a lot may be confusing things a little, especially if they're there w/o either of their parents. It may sometimes begin to feel as if you and your DH are the "parents" (not unusual for GPs who take care of their grands a great deal). But I trust you realize that unless you have custody, you're not. DS and his X are still the parents and, as frustrating as it may be for you (I know, I know), you would do well to respect DS' wishes and pare down the number of gifts.

This year they were absolutely delighted opening their gifts. I will treasure the memory forever and I got it all on video. I don't know how I'm going to handle this next year because I will definitely WANT to spoil them again and my DS will be angry at me AGAIN. I am hoping I can compromise with him somehow because he is telling me that I am only "allowed" to get them each one thing!

Groan! Very aggravating, no doubt, when you take care of them so often. Since they're at your house a lot, perhaps you could ask him if you could get 2 things each - 1 for your house and 1 for either his or XDIL's (wherever they spend the most time or wherever he thinks is best). But if he says no or you don't feel he will take well to the question, then please stick to the 1 gift each. Remember, they also have birthdays, etc. though he will probably prefer 1 gift for each bday child, as well.

Anonymous poster hash: 78ce5...2b9

 

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I give my granddaughter the gift of time and my presence in her life.  She remembers what we do together and the fun we have more than any gift she has ever been given.  She does not remember who gives her the gifts but wants to always duplicate what activities she and I do when we are together.

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Posted (edited)

@joanlake - Welcome! What a beautiful, inspiring post! You GD (granddaughter) is lucky to have such a delightful GM! :)

If those are your actual first and last names in your username, you may wish to change it for greater privacy. To see how to do so, click on the following MIL Anonymous thread:

Edited by RoseRed135

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I kind of marvel at the number of posts I read where the GP gives their GC gifts, then essentially takes the "gifts" back by insisting they can only be used at the GP home (and the "gifts" stay in the GP's home).

That's not a gift at all. That's what the GP bought for their own house.

I dunno, it just seems a little off, to me. I just think they shouldn't be presented as "gifts," and more like, "Hey, GC, I added a few new toys to Grandma's Toy Chest, why don't you go take a look at them."

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In the past I've given the GC gifts that either mom, dad or both prefer they do not take home- Their kids, their decision- If noisy, that's a strike for dad- Too many parts, strike for mom- But not always- It depended on their mood- The older ones get money or gift cards now and the younger ones don't much seem interested in toys too much oddly enough- All mostly play outdoors, making up games, building forts, climbing trees so forth- I agree with joanlake, the best gift ever is just being together-

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I usually get carried away with gifts for everyone. I always think I am being cheap. lol..

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Adult children no gifts - they're adults and a card should suffice.  Grandchildren - consult with parents first as they will know best what toys are appropriate for the child in both number and type.

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