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SueSTx

Grandchildren relationships

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It is the holiday season and many of us Grandparents can't spend time with our Grandchildren this weekend for what ever reason.  This is a place to discuss your lack of a relationship with your Grandkids.  If you are a new member please read this before posting.

 

 

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Welcome back Boobie.

Boobie    1

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Even though I had an amazing relationship with my grandson from the time he was born, my daughter remarried an 'alienator', when my grandson was 12 & my SIL stopped all communication between me and my daughter and my grandson. My GS turned 18 last spring......the magic age in Ontario when you're considered an adult. I was able to get a present to him through my ex......but there was no response. 

After waiting 2 months, I decided to drive out to their house.....I was hoping to get a glimplse of my grandson on his way home from school. It had been 6 years since I had seen him or my daughter.

To my surprise, my SIL was home. He picked up my grandson from school and drove home with my granson in the trunk of his car so I wouldn't be able to see him! Then my SIL called the police. I was accused of harrassment!

2 months later, I drove out to their house again.......someone called the police again.

All I want to do is try to open a line of communication with my grandson and, eventually with my daughter, who are obviously under the control of this man. I am a good person and never did anything, purposely, to hurt anyone. I can't comprehend someone so controlling, as to separate his wife, and stepson, from her entire family.

Just 3 weeks ago, my SIL called the police on me again!!!

I made a shadow box, of my father's WWII momentos, and drove out to their house to leave it on the veranda for my grandson. Just as I got there, my grandson answered the door to a delivery person ....... So I was able to hand the gift to my grandson personally....and then I just left.

When the police called me, I was so upset. I was concerned that my SIL would just throw these family heirlooms away if he was so angry as to call the police. I asked the police to find out from my grandson whether he wanted to keep it.....if not, could it be returned to the police station where I could pick it up.

The follow up was that my grandson wants to keep the shadow box.....and my SIL's calling the police again was just because "he had a bee in his bonnet".

Tomorrow is the 1st night of Chanukah and Christmas Eve. Most seniors, like me, will be at the home of their children and with their GChildren for the holidays. Yet, I have been living in hell......I can't stop crying, my hands are shaking, my heart is racing.....and I can't stop crying, because my SIL's mother will have all the joy of the holidays with my daughter and my grandson.......but I am left on my own and in total despair.  I pray for the strength to get through these difficult weeks and that by some miracle, my GS will eventually contact me. I am not losing hope!!! I intend to try and make some sort of contact every month......whether the police call me or not.

As I said to the policewoman, will you put a 73 year old grandmother in jail for wanting to see her grandson? I would relish the opportunity to tell this story before a judge!!!

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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ImpishMom    11730

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9 hours ago, Boobie said:

Even though I had an amazing relationship with my grandson from the time he was born, my daughter remarried an 'alienator', when my grandson was 12 & my SIL stopped all communication between me and my daughter and my grandson. My GS turned 18 last spring......the magic age in Ontario when you're considered an adult. I was able to get a present to him through my ex......but there was no response. 

After waiting 2 months, I decided to drive out to their house.....I was hoping to get a glimplse of my grandson on his way home from school. It had been 6 years since I had seen him or my daughter.

To my surprise, my SIL was home. He picked up my grandson from school and drove home with my granson in the trunk of his car so I wouldn't be able to see him! Then my SIL called the police. I was accused of harrassment!

2 months later, I drove out to their house again.......someone called the police again.

All I want to do is try to open a line of communication with my grandson and, eventually with my daughter, who are obviously under the control of this man. I am a good person and never did anything, purposely, to hurt anyone. I can't comprehend someone so controlling, as to separate his wife, and stepson, from her entire family.

Just 3 weeks ago, my SIL called the police on me again!!!

I made a shadow box, of my father's WWII momentos, and drove out to their house to leave it on the veranda for my grandson. Just as I got there, my grandson answered the door to a delivery person ....... So I was able to hand the gift to my grandson personally....and then I just left.

When the police called me, I was so upset. I was concerned that my SIL would just throw these family heirlooms away if he was so angry as to call the police. I asked the police to find out from my grandson whether he wanted to keep it.....if not, could it be returned to the police station where I could pick it up.

The follow up was that my grandson wants to keep the shadow box.....and my SIL's calling the police again was just because "he had a bee in his bonnet".

Tomorrow is the 1st night of Chanukah and Christmas Eve. Most seniors, like me, will be at the home of their children and with their GChildren for the holidays. Yet, I have been living in hell......I can't stop crying, my hands are shaking, my heart is racing.....and I can't stop crying, because my SIL's mother will have all the joy of the holidays with my daughter and my grandson.......but I am left on my own and in total despair.  I pray for the strength to get through these difficult weeks and that by some miracle, my GS will eventually contact me. I am not losing hope!!! I intend to try and make some sort of contact every month......whether the police call me or not.

As I said to the policewoman, will you put a 73 year old grandmother in jail for wanting to see her grandson? I would relish the opportunity to tell this story before a judge!!!

 

A judge isn't going to care what your motive is, nor how old you are. You've been told to stay away, and you haven't. That's harrassment. 

Harrassing people is *never* the way to building a relationship.

If your gs wanted to contact you, he would. He hasn't. 

As painful as the situation is for you, it doesn't give you the right to stalk and harrass people, and it won't mitigate the response of the police if you continue.

For your sake, as well as any possible hope of future relationship w/your gs, LEAVE THEM ALONE.

Edited by RoseRed135
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       4327

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On 12/24/2016 at 11:56 PM, Boobie said:

Even though I had an amazing relationship with my grandson from the time he was born, my daughter remarried an 'alienator', when my grandson was 12 & my SIL stopped all communication between me and my daughter and my grandson. My GS turned 18 last spring......the magic age in Ontario when you're considered an adult. I was able to get a present to him through my ex......but there was no response. 

After waiting 2 months, I decided to drive out to their house.....I was hoping to get a glimplse of my grandson on his way home from school. It had been 6 years since I had seen him or my daughter.

To my surprise, my SIL was home. He picked up my grandson from school and drove home with my granson in the trunk of his car so I wouldn't be able to see him! Then my SIL called the police. I was accused of harrassment!

2 months later, I drove out to their house again.......someone called the police again.

All I want to do is try to open a line of communication with my grandson and, eventually with my daughter, who are obviously under the control of this man. I am a good person and never did anything, purposely, to hurt anyone. I can't comprehend someone so controlling, as to separate his wife, and stepson, from her entire family.

Just 3 weeks ago, my SIL called the police on me again!!!

I made a shadow box, of my father's WWII momentos, and drove out to their house to leave it on the veranda for my grandson. Just as I got there, my grandson answered the door to a delivery person ....... So I was able to hand the gift to my grandson personally....and then I just left.

When the police called me, I was so upset. I was concerned that my SIL would just throw these family heirlooms away if he was so angry as to call the police. I asked the police to find out from my grandson whether he wanted to keep it.....if not, could it be returned to the police station where I could pick it up.

The follow up was that my grandson wants to keep the shadow box.....and my SIL's calling the police again was just because "he had a bee in his bonnet".

Tomorrow is the 1st night of Chanukah and Christmas Eve. Most seniors, like me, will be at the home of their children and with their GChildren for the holidays. Yet, I have been living in hell......I can't stop crying, my hands are shaking, my heart is racing.....and I can't stop crying, because my SIL's mother will have all the joy of the holidays with my daughter and my grandson.......but I am left on my own and in total despair.  I pray for the strength to get through these difficult weeks and that by some miracle, my GS will eventually contact me. I am not losing hope!!! I intend to try and make some sort of contact every month......whether the police call me or not.

As I said to the policewoman, will you put a 73 year old grandmother in jail for wanting to see her grandson? I would relish the opportunity to tell this story before a judge!!!

 

Welcome back, Boobie! We haven't seen you in a long time! Sorry, though, that your estrangement from DD and GS continues and that more drama has occurred. Sorry also that you will be alone on the holiday. (((Hugs!)))

The fact that GS still lives w/ DD and SIL may explain why he doesn't respond to you, even though he's now a legal "adult." As long as he's in their household, reaching out to you might have negative consequences for him. As was suggested to you in the past, please don't expect 18 to be so "magic," but don't give up hope either - the day when he contacts/comes to see you may still come. Perhaps not, but, IMO, it's possible. It may just have to wait... sigh... till he's more fully independent.

I'm a little confused about when you drove over to their house, only to find that SIL had GS in the trunk of his car. Was that recently or back when GS was 12?

Regardless, I'm glad it turned out that GS wanted the shadow box that you brought over 3 weeks ago. That's a good sign, IMO, that he's still interested in you and your side of the family. Please avoid driving over there from now on though. No doubt, SIL will call the police every time and might even take out a RO (restraining order) against you or file harassment charges. I wouldn't want to see you go through that.

Meanwhile, if it's any comfort, you're not the only GP who won't see their AC (adult child) and family on Xmas. Some are estranged like you, as I think you know from that support group you told us about. Others live too far away. And still others have to accept an alternative day b/c of their AC and family's other plans.

Is it possible for you to get together w/ any members of that support group during the holidays? It may be too late to plan it for this year, but perhaps for the future?

It concerns me that in all these years, you don't seem to have found a way to get through this holiday* more peacefully - seeing other relatives or friends, volunteering, going on a vaation... I know nothing will fill the void you feel b/c of the estrangement. But finding some other way(s) to fill your Xmas might make it a little easier to bear.

Hope you keep reaching out to us! And sending you more (((hugs!)))

* I see on another one of your posts that for you the holiday is Chanukah. And that you'll be spending it w/ some relatives, after all. Yes!

 


 

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa and/or Happy New Year! Also, to our members here from the British Commonwealth, hope you enjoy Boxing Day, as well! In short, Happy Holidays! And the warmest greetings of the season to all, regardless.

Edited by RoseRed135
to make corrections and add a thought

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Boobie    1

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Reply to Impish Mom......

I'm sorry, but I don't know you or "where you're coming from". Are you an "Alienated Grandparent", like me?

Have you cried every day for six long years, because you have been unreasonably denied access to your only daughter and grandson?

Have missed out on all the "Milestone Events" of your daughter and granchild......birthdays, Mothers Day, religious and secular holidays, graduation, new jobs/promotions, vacations?

Have you missed out on the daily/weekly banter of sharing in the day-to-day lives of the ones you love? Taking your GC to swimming and piano lessons, taking your daughter for a spa weekend, helping your grandson with homework and assignments, taking care of them when they are ill, picking your GC up at school or when he's sick? Going shopping, hairdresser, or for lunch with your daughter?

We had a LIFE Together for 36 years until my SIL ruthlessly and methodically drove me and my GS natural father and other grandmother away.

If you are a mother, maybe you can understand that a mother will do anything to ensure the safety and welfare of her children and their children.  There's an old saying, "I'd throw myself under a bus to protect them from harm"......so, the threat of police, jail and judge does not deter me.

My SIL has no grounds for getting a restraining order......I hardly think sitting in my car near their house, after having no contact in more than 4 years, can be considered harassment.

The shoe is really on the other foot!!! My SIL is BULLY. We have laws to protect children from bullies.....why aren't there laws to protect adults from bullies?

I won't be intimidated or silenced any longer.......my daughter and my grandson have been controlled by this bully for 6 years. If my daughter chooses to remain with her husband, that's up to her. However, my grandson was denied a loving Grandparent for 6 years by my SIL. Now, I have to find a way to open communication...... And hopefully, restoration of our special bond.

In this life, we have but one purpose.......that is to help (not hurt) others. I've dedicated my life to this and will continue to do so......after all, just because it's the Law doesn't mean it's right. Just a little over a month ago, the Ontario Legislature passed an amendment to the Children's Law Reform Act of 1997, including "grandparents". It took thousands of hours of work by parliamentarians and grandparents to finally get the law changed..... "in the best interest of the child".

So if you're a DIL with an axe to grind......that's your prerogative. But life is really too short to be filled with hate.

Edited by RoseRed135

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Boobie    1

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Reply to Red Rose135.....

The incident where my SIL his my GS in the trunk of his car happened this past June. My GS is now over 6feet tall. How could my grandson be made so afraid to be seen by me when he hasn't seen me in 6 years? And, if my SIL was afraid of what I might do, why did he come back to the house? He could have gone directly to the police. After my SIL dropped my GS in the house, he drove away for about 5 minutes. As he was pulling out of the driveway, he looked toward me and smirked....then, with his left hand, he made a motion like "You're going to get yours now". To my SIL this is a game! He is out to prove that he is The Master of the House and can do what he wants.....through bullying and intimidation.

As for me, I have been a single mother since my children were very young. My son has a physical disability and mental health issues......we are in touch when he needs something from me. Later in my life, I took early retirement to move in and care for my mother wh had Alzheimer's. It was a difficult but rewarding five years. However, I never realized how much I lost for myself. Now as a single woman, I don't get invited out with the friends who are still married. My single women friends all have children and grandchildren.

I have a productive life....I make jewellery, I do genealogical research and am currently writing a cookbook. But nothing can replace my close bond with my daughter and grandson.

As my mother once said to me when she took me on vacation after a breakup, "You can go away, but your troubles will always go with you"......it doesn't solve the problem.

Growing older has many challenges....it's a time of loss. You lose your health, you lose your friends, you lose the family you once had, you lose your job, you lose your spouse, you lose your home.......and when people start calling you "dear" you lose your dignity.

Why has the natural order of life changed so drastically? When my grandmother got older, my mother and her brothers and SILs took care of her. When my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I took care of her. Now I am the older generation......with no one to care.....WHY? 

Edited by RoseRed135

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RoseRed135    4327

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2 hours ago, Boobie said:

 

My SIL has no grounds for getting a restraining order......I hardly think sitting in my car near their house, after having no contact in more than 4 years, can be considered harassment.

 

Boobie, I know your last post was addressed to ImpishMom. Just want to clarify that though she spoke about "harassment," didn't say anything about a RO - I did. I'm a mom and a GM though, I admit, fortunately not CO from my DD and DGC. I was just expressing concern for you b/c I've seen cases on these boards before where parents took police/legal action against estranged GPs who kept coming to their (the parents' and GC's) home, even just to drop something off.

About the harassment issue - While "sitting in (your) car near their house, after having no contact in more than 4 years" might not be "harassment," that doesn't mean SIL won't file charges, especially since it seems you've done it before (if I'm reading correctly). It could mean having to go into court and defend yourself though, granted, in the end, a judge might rule in your favor. Again, I'm just speaking out of concern for you.

But, apparently, you aren't concerned about facing the police or the courts over this issue. Clearly, you are a brave and determined GM! Just please don't be surprised if SIL continues to call the police, etc. if you show up. My guess is that he will, even if a lot of time passes before it happens again.
 

Edited 1 hour ago by RoseRed135

 

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa and/or Happy New Year! Also, to our members here from the British Commonwealth, hope you enjoy Boxing Day, as well! In short, Happy Holidays! And the warmest greetings of the season to all, regardless.

Edited by RoseRed135

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SueSTx    5734

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Oh Boobie, so sorry you feel so alienated, and I am a MIL and a granny.  The things you wish to have with your daughter  "the daily/weekly banter of sharing in the day-to-day lives of the ones you love? Taking your GC to swimming and piano lessons, taking your daughter for a spa weekend, helping your grandson with homework and assignments...Going shopping, hairdresser, or for lunch with your daughter?"  are for the most part things that I do not have with mine and we are not estranged. They live 30 miles away though my GD goes to school five blocks away.  We have lunch occasionally, maybe three of four times a year.  And this is not my SILs fault.  She works full time, has a teenager busy with activities and a house to maintain. 

I'n not saying your SIL isn't a bully, because it sounds like he is...but I have to agree with IMP...what you are doing is probably making life hard for your grandson.  You have waited six years why not wait another six months or until your GS is no longer living at home to make contact...heck maybe he will even make contact with you if you wait.

 

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Edited by RoseRed135

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RoseRed135    4328

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2 hours ago, Boobie said:

Reply to Red Rose135.....

The incident where my SIL his my GS in the trunk of his car happened this past June. My GS is now over 6feet tall. How could my grandson be made so afraid to be seen by me when he hasn't seen me in 6 years? And, if my SIL was afraid of what I might do, why did he come back to the house? He could have gone directly to the police. After my SIL dropped my GS in the house, he drove away for about 5 minutes. As he was pulling out of the driveway, he looked toward me and smirked....then, with his left hand, he made a motion like "You're going to get yours now". To my SIL this is a game! He is out to prove that he is The Master of the House and can do what he wants.....through bullying and intimidation.

Thanks for answering my question, Boobie! Wow. I can't imagine what has been said to an 18-teen-yr old to make him willing to hide from you in a trunk! It boggles the mind! I have to agree w/ Sue & Imp, though, that while SIL may be a bully, your coming over probably isn't helping the situation any... sigh...

As for me, I have been a single mother since my children were very young. My son has a physical disability and mental health issues......we are in touch when he needs something from me. Later in my life, I took early retirement to move in and care for my mother wh had Alzheimer's. It was a difficult but rewarding five years. However, I never realized how much I lost for myself. Now as a single woman, I don't get invited out with the friends who are still married. My single women friends all have children and grandchildren.

So sorry about DS' disabilities and your mom's Alzheimer's. How loving of you to have taken care of her the way you did. Clearly, you made a lot of sacrifices though, I'm sorry you haven't been able to reconnect w/ old friends... sigh...

I have a productive life....I make jewellery, I do genealogical research and am currently writing a cookbook. But nothing can replace my close bond with my daughter and grandson.

Good to hear you have all these interests and are so active in them! I understand, however, that none of it makes up for what you've lost w/ DD and GS.

As my mother once said to me when she took me on vacation after a breakup, "You can go away, but your troubles will always go with you"......it doesn't solve the problem.

Growing older has many challenges....it's a time of loss. You lose your health, you lose your friends, you lose the family you once had, you lose your job, you lose your spouse, you lose your home.......and when people start calling you "dear" you lose your dignity.

Why has the natural order of life changed so drastically? When my grandmother got older, my mother and her brothers and SILs took care of her. When my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I took care of her. Now I am the older generation......with no one to care.....WHY? 

Sigh... my heart is breaking for you, Boobie! If it helps at all, no doubt, you'll find that many of us here do, even if/when we disagree w/ some of your actions.

And again, maybe GS is/will become more interested than you think. Again, I agree w/ Sue that it may be better if you wait for him to contact you (easier said than done, I know). Do you have an open FB account? Many estranged GPs have one, largely so that their GC can "find" them on the Internet if they ever want. It still may take him until he's living on his own though.... Patience (as hard as that may be)...

 

 

Edited 45 minutes ago by RoseRed135

 

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa and/or Happy New Year! Also, to our members here from the British Commonwealth, hope you enjoy Boxing Day, as well! In short, Happy Holidays! And the warmest greetings of the season to all, regardless.

Edited by RoseRed135

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55 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

Boobie    1

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Reply to Impish Mom......

I'm sorry, but I don't know you or "where you're coming from". Are you an "Alienated Grandparent", like me?

Have you cried every day for six long years, because you have been unreasonably denied access to your only daughter and grandson?

Have missed out on all the "Milestone Events" of your daughter and granchild......birthdays, Mothers Day, religious and secular holidays, graduation, new jobs/promotions, vacations?

Have you missed out on the daily/weekly banter of sharing in the day-to-day lives of the ones you love? Taking your GC to swimming and piano lessons, taking your daughter for a spa weekend, helping your grandson with homework and assignments, taking care of them when they are ill, picking your GC up at school or when he's sick? Going shopping, hairdresser, or for lunch with your daughter?

We had a LIFE Together for 36 years until my SIL ruthlessly and methodically drove me and my GS natural father and other grandmother away.

If you are a mother, maybe you can understand that a mother will do anything to ensure the safety and welfare of her children and their children.  There's an old saying, "I'd throw myself under a bus to protect them from harm"......so, the threat of police, jail and judge does not deter me.

My SIL has no grounds for getting a restraining order......I hardly think sitting in my car near their house, after having no contact in more than 4 years, can be considered harassment.

The shoe is really on the other foot!!! My SIL is BULLY. We have laws to protect children from bullies.....why aren't there laws to protect adults from bullies?

I won't be intimidated or silenced any longer.......my daughter and my grandson have been controlled by this bully for 6 years. If my daughter chooses to remain with her husband, that's up to her. However, my grandson was denied a loving Grandparent for 6 years by my SIL. Now, I have to find a way to open communication...... And hopefully, restoration of our special bond.

In this life, we have but one purpose.......that is to help (not hurt) others. I've dedicated my life to this and will continue to do so......after all, just because it's the Law doesn't mean it's right. Just a little over a month ago, the Ontario Legislature passed an amendment to the Children's Law Reform Act of 1997, including "grandparents". It took thousands of hours of work by parliamentarians and grandparents to finally get the law changed..... "in the best interest of the child".

So if you're a DIL with an axe to grind......that's your prerogative. But life is really too short to be filled with hate.

I'm saying that if you were a husband, separated from his wife, and doing this, ppl would flip.

If you were an older man, doing this to an 18 yo girl, ppl would flip.

Just b/c you're the grandmother does *not* make this acceptable. What you are doing is illegal. It is stalking and harrassment, and not going to get you anywhere you want to be.

What you are doing isn't protecting anyone. Your daughter is an adult, not a child. Your gs is not your child, and is also an adult, so your talk of protecting them b/c doesn't make any sense. You're *frightening* your grandson. You're stalking him. NOBODY takes stalking as a positive. You came on to his property to hand a gift to your gs. Following someone around, attempting contact, this IS considered stalking and harrassment.

You cannot force restoration of a relationship, and your attempt will end up with you being arrested, sooner or later. I don't want that to happen for you.

What you want is not more important than what this family wants. It doesn't give you the right to break the law. If your gs wants to be in contact, he will. Your actions will kill off any possibility, b/c you're showing that not only do you not respect him or his parents, you don't respect the law, either.

The police *have* been involved. They know that you've been showing up. They know you've trespassed. There's no good way for this line of action to end.

And yes, b/c it is the law, it DOES make it right, in the eyes of the police and judges. Period. You don't get to pick and choose.

I don't have an axe to grind. I think you're on a path that will lead to more heartbreak, and is guaranteed to backfire on you. There is no judge in existence that would consider forcing a relationship w/someone that's stalking them 'in the best interest of the child'...esp since your grandson is now a legal adult, and cannot be compelled into anything via family court.

Edited by RoseRed135
to fix tech error in quote
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20 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:


What you are doing isn't protecting anyone. Your daughter is an adult, not a child. Your gs is not your child, and is also an adult, so your talk of protecting them b/c doesn't make any sense.

Imp, I can't speak for Boobie, of course, but I think it's possible she feels her DD and GS are being emotionally abused by SIL. She did say she feels he's a "bully", and, IMO, that's often what bullies are guilty of. No doubt, that's as painful for a parent/GP as being CO.

That being said, I agree that what she's doing isn't "protecting" them from any such bullying, if that's what's going on.

@Boobie - Parents of DDs in abusive relationships are often advised to wait till DD reaches out to them and then be there w/ open arms. etc  I know I may sound like a broken record, recommending that you wait, But that may be best in both DD's and GS' cases.

Edited by RoseRed135

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7 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

Imp, I can't speak for Boobie, of course, but I think it's possible she feels her DD and GS are being emotionally abused by SIL. She did say she feels he's a "bully", and, IMO, that's often what bullies are guilty of. No doubt, that's as painful for a parent/GP as being CO.

That being said, I agree that what she's doing isn't "protecting" them from any such bullying, if that's what's going on.

@Boobie - Parents of DDs in abusive relationships are often advised to wait till DD reaches out to them and then be there w/ open arms. etc  I know I may sound like a broken record, recommending that you wait, But that may be best in both DD's and GS' cases.

I get that, but again, what she's doing is against the law, and is going to result in serious problems for her if she continues on this path.

IF her SIL has actually made up lies about her (there's no way to know what has gone on, other than Boobie believing it's all his fault), she's VALIDATING this. She's showing her grandson that she won't even obey the law. Any lies that may have been told are suddenly so much more believable, b/c Boobie herself is acting in such a way that someone can point to and say, "Look! She's stalking an 18 yo! Police have told her to leave us alone, and she's still persisting!"

That's why I'm saying there's no good way for this to end. 

Boobie wants a relationship re-established. Her daughter, SIL and grandson do not, at least not at this time. To continue to push what she wants is only going to drive ppl further away, b/c she's sending the message that her wants are more important than anyone else's, and more important than the law.

Any chance that her gs may have sought her out is being destroyed by her actions, imo.

Her best, and imo, only chance of reconciliation is to back off, respect their decision, and wait. If she keeps showing up, keeps attempting contact, she will end up arrested, and ensure that her grandson fears her, completely. And nobody seeks out a relationship w/someone that they're afraid of.

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Boobie - Bill 34 has just been passed in the Ontario Legislature. There is hope and please read up about it.

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6 minutes ago, annierobyn said:

Boobie - Bill 34 has just been passed in the Ontario Legislature. There is hope and please read up about it.

Not applicable. Her grandson is now an adult, and therefore not under Family Law.

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ImpishMom - not able to locate age restriction regarding Bill 34 anywhere. Please forward me to the proper website. Thanks.

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45 minutes ago, annierobyn said:

ImpishMom - not able to locate age restriction regarding Bill 34 anywhere. Please forward me to the proper website. Thanks.

If you're familiar with family court law, visitation, etc is applicable to *children*. Not adults. 18 is an adult, and therefore it is no longer applicable.

The exception is when there is an order of support, which may include carrying beyond the age of 18, if the person is attending post secondary education.

In fact, judges take into consideration the wishes of an older child, as to if visitation occurs, and will refuse to force a child old enough to attend visitation, when the child clearly states that they do not wish to continue (usually around age 12).

Family court, in terms of access, is only applicable to minor children. Adults are assumed to be able to decide for themselves who they wish to have a relationship with.

ETA: a quick google shows at 12, they weigh the child's opinion strongly, and at 14, they will usually side with the child if the child refuses, and at 16, all bets are off, since the child can move out if they wish.

There's simply no way to force an 18 yo into visitation. 

Edited by ImpishMom

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ImpishMom - thanks for the info. Very interesting.

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34 minutes ago, annierobyn said:

ImpishMom - thanks for the info. Very interesting.

Makes sense. Why should any adult be forced into visiting someone? Heck, you can't even force deadbeat parents into visiting their own children, and enforcing child support orders are often an excercise in futility.

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5 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

I get that, but again, what she's doing is against the law, and is going to result in serious problems for her if she continues on this path.

IF her SIL has actually made up lies about her (there's no way to know what has gone on, other than Boobie believing it's all his fault), she's VALIDATING this. She's showing her grandson that she won't even obey the law. Any lies that may have been told are suddenly so much more believable, b/c Boobie herself is acting in such a way that someone can point to and say, "Look! She's stalking an 18 yo! Police have told her to leave us alone, and she's still persisting!"

That's why I'm saying there's no good way for this to end. 

Boobie wants a relationship re-established. Her daughter, SIL and grandson do not, at least not at this time. To continue to push what she wants is only going to drive ppl further away, b/c she's sending the message that her wants are more important than anyone else's, and more important than the law.

Any chance that her gs may have sought her out is being destroyed by her actions, imo.

Her best, and imo, only chance of reconciliation is to back off, respect their decision, and wait. If she keeps showing up, keeps attempting contact, she will end up arrested, and ensure that her grandson fears her, completely. And nobody seeks out a relationship w/someone that they're afraid of.

I get what you're saying.

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Did some googling, myself, and the law seems to affect mostly GP access when custody cases are involved (not that GPs are granted automatic access, but that their role has to be considered).  That doesn't appear to be the issue here and, of course, "custody" doesn't generally apply to an 18-yr-old, that I know of.

So while I think it was kind of you, Annie, to try to offer Boobie some hope, I don't think this new law applies to her scenario.

Edited by RoseRed135

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41 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

Did some googling, myself, and the law seems to affect mostly GP access when custody cases are involved (not that GPs are granted automatic access, but that their role has to be considered).  That doesn't appear to be the issue here and, of course, "custody" doesn't generally apply to an 18-yr-old, that I know of.

So while I think it was kind of you, Annie, to try to offer Boobie some hope, I don't think this new law applies to her scenario.

The only way 'custody' is an issue is if the person is deemed unable to make their own decisions, and then it's a guardianship issue.

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Guaranteed, Boobie, your SIL isn't separating you from his family, YOU are separating yourself from your DD's family.

It sounds like you've had a rough go of things-- single motherhood, parent with Alzheimer's, loss of job, friends, etc. Your GS and DD can't make you whole again, and you shouldn't expect them to. That's a lot of burden to put on people you claim to love.

Please consider getting help sorting out these sad and angry feelings. You deserve to be happy, but looking to others to MAKE you happy is never the answer. If you love them, please leave this family in peace while you come to terms with what you have in your life, what you can make it to be in this next chapter, and please, above all, please get professional help to assist you in reconciling your expectations with reality.

Love lets go.

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