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RoseRed135

Welcome to Grandparents Caring for Grandkids 2017!

20 posts in this topic

Welcome to Grandparents Caring for Grandkids!  Come on in!

This is a place to explore the issues of grandparents raising grandchildren* and GP babysitters/caregivers, as well as childcare and childrearing, in general. We talk about everything related to those topics, from the lighthearted (i.e. entertaining kids), to the more serious (conflicts between parent and GP/relative caregiver), to the truly tough subjects, such as how to tell a child why their mom and/or dad isn't/can't be there. Also, we enjoy a series of topics focused on kids at specific ages/stages.

So whether you're raising your GC (grandchildren) or other relative kids, helping to raise them, serving as the regular "granny/relative nanny" or the now-and-then babysitter - or if you are a parent of underage children - I invite you to come in and vent about your scenario, whenever you're ready, and/or seek/give advice. Same if you have been/will soon be in one of these situations. All other opinions are welcome also.

Please realize, though, that when a poster is unloading about such scenarios , they might make some unpleasant remarks about some of the people in their life. At the same time, please understand that, given the broad spectrum of views enjoyed here, you may be treated to some perspectives you didn't expect to hear.  Even when we disagree, however, I trust that we can all speak to each other w/ respect, and, most often, at least a little bit of compassion.

Please also realize that if you're a newcomer, you'll need to amass 10 posts before you can open a conversation thread of your own (see more about that in the post below).

 I'm RoseRed135, Lead Moderator of this forum. Happily married for several years, I'm also the proud mother of two wonderful DDs (dear daughters) and the equally the proud GM (grandmother) of 2 adorable (of course) GC, (not to mention that I have a great son-in-law!). As a "granny nanny," I watch my DGC some part of several days a week, while their mom/my YDD (younger dear daughter) goes to school, work, etc.

If you're new here, please introduce yourself, when you're ready, either below (just key your comments in the Reply box and hit the Post button) or in a relevant stickypost (thread pinned to the front of the forum):

 

 

 

If you're a returnee, welcome back! And please feel free to introduce/re-introduce yourself, as well.  Also, if you've been a regular member of the Community for a while, please feel free to come in this thread, too, and help welcome newcomers and returnees. 

 

Anyhow, hope you find the conversations in here interesting and meaningful. Delighted to have you here! :db: :give_rose: :db:

 

* Looking for Legal (& Financial) Resources? -  Neither GP.com nor I claim to be legal or financial experts. But if you have custody of/are raising your GC/relative kids or serving as their foster parent and need legal (or, in some cases, financial) direction, please check out post 3 below (post number is in upper-left corner of post - only posts 2 & 3 are numbered). The sites mentioned /links provided there might be helpful.

ETA: Please read on for some helpful information...

Edited by RoseRed135
to add a thought and change size of type

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2

Some helpful threads from GP.com...

... to help you get started/restarted  (even if you didn't "just join," please realize that much may have changed on this site, especially if you've been gone a long time.) :

 

... to check out your current options/permissions...

 

 

 

Also, please realize that if you're new here, you need to amass 10 replies before you can start a topic of your own:

 

From Club Newcomer...

some suggestions on how (or how not) to rack up those 10 posts:

 

 

And from right here in this forum...

More specific posting  guidelines:

 

While it says "on this forum" in here ^^^, these rules are actually for the whole Community  - Forums, Blogs, Gallery, etc. In fact, you'll find a similar thread or the link to one pinned to every group.

Also, please note that these guidelines were originally posted in 2015. As such, not all of them may necessarily be reflected in any threads you might read that are older than that. Nor do we mods go back and edit/delete posts in such old threads retroactively.

 

And here's a thread on how this forum and this Community works

 

And some tips for GP babysitters/caregivers:

 

 

There are also a couple of pinned threads in MIL Anonymous you might find useful...

... if you're looking for an acronym/definitions guide...

 

 

... or instructions to change your username (if your actual email addy or full name is in it, we recommend this change for greater privacy):

 

 

 

Still got technical or other questions about the Community? Please feel free to ask what you want to know in the Members' Questions section at the top of the Community Index: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/forum/41-member-questions/  Just click on Ask a Question and key your concern into the box that appears. This is not subject to the 10-reply rule, but it is only for technical/Community questions, and not for personal advice.

You can also contact GP.com by simply clicking on "Contact Us" at the bottom of the Index Page and keying in your message.

Please also feel free to ask any questions about this particular group here, below, or in a PM (private/personal ) message to me (just click on my name, hit Message and go from there).

 

Read on for possible legal (& financial) resources for GPs raising GC...

Edited by RoseRed135
clarity

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3

Resources & General Guides for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

 

1. About GPs and Custody, Guardianship or Adoption

GP.com, itself,  provides valuable information for those of you who have/are seeking custody of your GC (grandchild/ren) or other relative kids. The same if you have adopted/wish to adopt them. Or if you have legal guardianship or are simply raising your GC (or other relative kids). and are looking for resources on legal (or financial) matters. If   you fit any of these descriptions, I strongly suggest that you check out GP.com's "The Grandparents' Guide to Legal Resources": Click on this link (not sure how up-to-date this is): http://www.grandpare...legal-resources

 

 As you read, you'll see the title of another article, "When You're a Parent... Again." If you click that on and read through, you will find the names of additional associations, etc. that may be helpful to you. You can also go directly to that article by clicking on http://www.grandpare...ureaparentagain

 

Also, in another thread,  BlueEyedGirl provided the following resources:

 

a. "Grandfamily Resources" as part of "Generations United" (which can be googled).

UPDATE: If housing is an issue, you may want to check out their section on "Our Work." You can find similar information by googling Grandfamilies.org and clicking on "Housing."

 

b. The Children's Aid Society in your area - some of those have RAPP programs (Relatives as Parents)... and even AARP has some resources.

 

c. General info about GP custody laws, by state, as well as further resources are also available here: http://www.grandfamilies.org/

 

d. More articles and resources here at GPs.com. Check out this link for a list of Grandfamily resources. http://www.grandpare...g grandchildren

(Some of these articles may be old, of course)

 

Also, please realize that googling may help you find some resources for "grandparents raising grandchildren," etc.

 

Please be advised, too, that, in some states, there is such a thing as "de facto custody."  Nana mom explained this in another thread in this forum, but I'm recopying her comments here:

 

Several states now have de facto custody - Kentucky was the first.  It is likely similar in all state with this status, but check for sure!  You qualify to be considered for de facto custody if you are raising a child who is under 3 years for 6 months or more w/o any help from that child's parents - if the child is over 3 years, the time is changed to 1 year of raising child w/o any help.  De facto custodian basically makes you like a 3rd parent.  You are not presumed to have this status, it does have to go thru the court system.

 

Please realize, of course,  that nothing is a substitute for consulting with a laywer in your own state. And that GP.com is not in the business of endorsing any of the views or advice given in any of these article or by any of the organizations mentioned (nor am I). Resources are listed for informational purposes only. And advice is given merely as a guide.

ETA: New Hampshire has just passed a new law 7/31/17), giving GPs custody preference when parents are guilty of substance abuse:

http://www.nbc-2.com/story/35770125/new-hampshire-law-gives-grandparents-custody-preference

 

2. General Information Guides About Kinship Foster Care:

 

If, unfortunately, your GC/relative child has to be placed in the foster care system and you're interested in becoming their foster parent (kinship foster care), the following may be of interest to you:

 

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/placement.pdf

 

http://www.voices-stl.org/federal-foster-care-law.html

 

Please note comments about meeting state guidelines, of course. Also, to my knowledge, there's no automatic preference for a GP over another relative, etc.

Also, again, please realize that googling may be helpful.

 

Once again, nothing is a substitute for consulting with an attorney in your own state or, in the case of foster care, speaking to your own state's social service/CPS organization. Neither GP.com or I are responsible for the accuracy or current value of the information contained in any linked site or how it applies to your situation, if at all. It's just provided as a guide to areas you might want to explore.

 

3. General Information Guide About Various Situations - Kinship Foster Care, Custody, Etc:

http://www.helpguide...ody-options.htm

Again, please note that definitions and details may vary by state and nothing is a substitute for official legal advice.

UPDATE: If you google "Grandparents raising grandchildren" and then click on "Grandparents Raising Grandchildren... Grandparenting... Legal Issues," and then "State Resources," you'll find a state-by-state list of legal, financial and, in some cases social (support groups, etc.) resources for GRGs. (A few of the links on that site don't seem to work, I'm afraid, but most do.) Sometimes, "Grandparents Raising Grandchildren... Grandparenting... State Resources," itself, comes up and then you can go there directly.

UPDATE: There are also sites on Facebook - Relatives Raising Grandchildren & Grandparents as Parents (GAP) - that often provide information about in-person support groups and other resources.

 

Hope this is helpful/ :)

Edited by RoseRed135
to update

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Hello, I am new to this forum and am glad to have found it. I have guardianship over my granddaughter (8yrs old). She's a wonderful, responsible, mature 8yr old. 

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1 hour ago, FLGM said:

Hello, I am new to this forum and am glad to have found it. I have guardianship over my granddaughter (8yrs old). She's a wonderful, responsible, mature 8yr old. 

Welcome FLGM! Kudos to you for being there for your GD (granddaughter)! She sounds like a wonderful girl - and you sound like a loving GM w/ a marvelous attitude towards her! :give_rose:

I take it that w/ "guardianship," you're raising her? Are her mom and dad in the picture at all?

Regardless, I'm glad you found this forum, too, and look forward to hearing from you some more! Please also feel free to look around at some of the other groups on the board. :)

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Thank you Rosered, her mom hasn't been in her life since she was 3. Her dad (my son) has had her since that timeframe with our help thankfully. 

He's always had a tough time with providing her a stable home and ends up living with me anyway. Anyhow, he had a horrible situation happen recently in his apartment and they removed her from the home and he has a no contact order.

It's a really sad and tough situation for all of us but hopefully a few more court dates and therapy sessions for her and they'll be reunited again. She misses her dad a whole lot. 

Prayer from a mom is very powerful and I will continue to pray that he is able to provide for her and give her a stable home. 

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@FLGM - Thanks for filling us in further. So sorry that GD's mom, apparently, abandoned her and that her dad can't seem to provide a stable home for her. TG, she has you!

The fact that she misses her dad/ your DS (dear son) so much suggests to me that there's a lot of good in the relationship, despite whatever went wrong. Like you, I hope they will be reunited. Does he have to meet any requirements before that can happen?

I understand your continuing to pray... I'll be praying, too...

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Well the state is trying TPR him but he will take it to trial. 

Normally there's a case plan for him to meet but they just bypassed that and went straight to TPR. They have not explained the 'why' to us but who am I to ask... sheesh.. 

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Wow. Just wow.

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Hello I am a grandma to a lovely now 19 month old.   (Shoulder Pain/ damage)

I am hoping to share something, I hope will help and new grandparent that will be caring for their GC often/ many days a week.  I have recently heard from 3 other GP with the same issue I have, and was sorry to hear it but glad to know I was not the alone.

i thought I was turning into a sissy LOL

i have cared for my GC since she was 2 1\2 months old. In  the last 6-8 months I have developed a problem with my shoulder.

i can't believe the pain that shoots thur it, I am 65 and thought I was just getting OLD. I live with a heating pad close by for when I am not babysitting.

A few of he GP I just learned about have been going in for P T a few times a week and two of the GP quit and left their daughter in a bind with work.

i am hoping thur this site you could find a way to let new GP caregivers know not to reach over the front seat in the car to the car seat to ck on GC or give item as this leads to the injury almost instantly, next be careful and try not to over use your arm if

possible.

i had no idea it was such a common problem.  I hope u can find a way to share with any new unsuspecting GP caregivers.

it should be in the discharge information given to the new parents when they leave the hospital to share with the new GP

Thank you for having this site. I hope this post helps someone, before they injury their shoulder.

Doryann

 

 

 

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As we age, our joints protest...However, shooting pains need to be evaluated by a medical professional. Physical therapy may help, as might chiropractics or, depending on the injury, surgery and all of its follow-up. I'm thinking its more likely to worsen as time goes by.

That said, welcome Doryann. Feel free to jump in anywhere. We do, however, ask that you not post on threads more than 3 months old. You will need to accrue 10 posts in the various threads to start a topic of your own.

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Welcome, Doryann! Glad you came in to talk w/ us! And how kind of you to share this bit of knowledge!

Congratulations on your (fairly) new GC! So good of you to help out w/ her as often as you do! I've been the regular caregiver for my 2 DGC since they were babies (now they're older, so it's mostly just after school), and I know how tiring it can be, despite all the joys. I also hear you about it leading to a few more aches and pains.

Like Mame, I'm concerned about the "shooting pains," though, and hope you (and the other GPs you mention) have been getting medical care.

As for sharing your tip here, you've already done that via your post. However, please feel free to share it again in the following "tips" thread. Although, as Mame said, we ask members not to post in threads that are more than 3 months old, those that are pinned to the front of a forum (thumbtack icon) - like this one - are an exception. So is the one I'm linking below:

 

 

 

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Thank goodness for Google.

I googled my question... What if I don't want to raise my grandchildren?... and your forum was one that captured the essence of my question. Thanks for being here. Understanding my question as not really rare has already helped a lot.  My main concern is... what will happen to my GC if I don't take this on?  Scared and guilty at the same time.

Looking forward to sharing my thoughts in this safe place.

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Posted (edited)

@JackMa7 - Welcome! I'm glad Google brought you to us, also, though I'm sorry it's under such unhappy circumstances. I mean, I take it there are unhappy circumstances, as I doubt you would be talking about raising your GC unless the parents were somehow "unfit" and/or about to lose their kids.

You ask us, "... what will happen to my GC if I don't take this on?" But it's hard to give you any kind of reasonable answer if we don't know more about the circumstances. Would you feel comfortable telling us more?

I realize you may be concerned about giving identifying details. While this is a "safe place," as you say, up to a point, please be aware that anyone can read the threads here, even though non-members can't post. But if you give us the general idea of the situation (e.g. kids were taken from parents, Social Services is asking you to take kids in, etc.), I think it should be ok. Many GPs here have faced this same situation. Often, like you, they experience a mix of emotions, also.

Granted, nothing is a substitute for legal advice. But w/ a little more information, we may be able to give you some idea of what to expect.

You might want to wait to discuss your specific question until you've amassed those 10 posts and can open a topic of your own. Or you might want to click on the following thread and talk about it there:

 

Regardless, hope you come back in and talk to us some more soon...

Edited by RoseRed135

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I told all of my AC/CIL that if they put me in the position of having to raise my GK they'd better be dead because if not I'm going to kill them. They've all taken me very seriously...for all they know that logically that would never happen. However, I'd be leading the charge with THEIR issue so they could resume raising their children

They know I mean that they are responsible for raising their own kids. They need to maintain their own homes. No one is coming back to live with me unless your house burns down and you need a place while finding another. 

I don't think I'm heartless or mean. I have expectations of my adult children's responsible behavior.

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Thank you for the warm welcome.

This has already turned out to be a good idea for me.  Went to a first visit to a support group for enabler of addicts and keeping a journal was recommended. I used this site as reference even though I never thought about it that way before. 

My anger is really about how I allowed and am allowing myself to being used..  Permanent babysitter is what I resent the most, I think.  Even more difficult is that the Protective Services are not allowing an unsupervised visit through my conservator ship. That is an over reach in my estimation.  The state treats me like a side conversation rather than the one saving it lots of money and trouble....  

Thanks for listening.

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Posted (edited)

18 hours ago, JackMa7 said:

Thank you for the warm welcome.

This has already turned out to be a good idea for me.  Went to a first visit to a support group for enabler of addicts and keeping a journal was recommended. I used this site as reference even though I never thought about it that way before. 

Ok, so I get that you feel you've been enabling an addict or addicts. And I'm guessing that addict is your GC's parent/those addicts are your GC's parents. I'm glad you found an in-person support group, but please know you will also get support here. Not sure how you used this site as a reference, but I'm glad it helped.

My anger is really about how I allowed and am allowing myself to being used..  Permanent babysitter is what I resent the most, I think.  Even more difficult is that the Protective Services are not allowing an unsupervised visit through my conservator ship. That is an over reach in my estimation.  The state treats me like a side conversation rather than the one saving it lots of money and trouble....  

 I'm sorry the state makes you feel "like a side conversation."  No doubt, that stinks!

But I'm a little confused about some things. So I hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions to help me better understand your situation:

1. Apparently, you have conservatorship of your GC. But the meaning of that term can differ from state to state. What does it mean in yours?

2. Where are your GC living at the moment? Since you use the term "permanent babysitter," it sounds as if they might be w/ you? But then you talk about wanting "unsupervised visits"....

3. Does this mean that, right now, you're only getting supervised visits? If so, I'm very sorry about that, but then how does babysitting come into it? Can you clarify? (Please forgive me if I'm misreading.)

Thanks for listening.

You're more than welcome. Please feel free to come in here and talk/vent/whatever, any time!

 

Edited by RoseRed135
to reorganize my questions and make them clearer

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bump

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On 5/13/2017 at 10:05 AM, JackMa7 said:

What if I don't want to raise my grandchildren?

For all that I do not want to raise my GK, a few years ago DD/Sil hit a rough spot in their marriage...GB (they have just the one child) overheard things he shouldn't...and told me about it. My gut reaction led me to tell his parents that they'd better get their **** together one way or another because if the kid comes to me upset again he'll be living with me until they get their act together. I was a bit taken aback by my own reaction, but meant every word. Sil told DD "she can't do that, can she?"...DD, a believer if there ever was one replied "Watch her". They worked out their issues, everyone is doing well...

The point is that you need to make sure things are being done in the best interest of the children, whatever that is. 

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Unpinning and locking this now b/c I just posted a new, somewhat revised Welcome thread in here.

 

 

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