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SueSTx

Issues when a young adult granddaughter moves in

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Scorpio318    0

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Posted 32 minutes ago (edited) · Report post

I'm not sure if this is the place my post should be. If not, I am sorry because this is the only place I could find to post. 

My granddaughter has been the black sheep of the family since her sister was born. The youngest was born when, my oldest grand was 6. The oldest granddaughter is actually the daughter of another man whom my daughter divorced. He was an alcoholic. Her new husband adopted my granddaughter but, when they had there own child together, my oldest granddaughter was always pushed aside. 

The parents stated she was ADHD because she was always looking for attention and extremely disruptive. So they gave her meds her entire life from 8 years old (stating she was ADHD and bi-polar) until she was taken off of everything at 21 in the rehab facility. She started acting out in her teens and did crazy stuff for attention. She is now a recovering alcoholic (was arrested, driving without a license and sent to a rehab). They took her off all meds and the psychiatrists stated her problems were the ADHD meds and bi-polar meds, which they stated were not needed and caused all her emotional problems.

Her parents sent her down to us after rehab, because it inconvenienced their lives and felt it was not good for their other child 16 for this recovering granddaughter to be around her. She has been with us 3 months. Pretty much doing okay. Has a job but lies continually and lately going out of the bedroom window to meet "friends". It happened again last nite for the 3rd or 4th time. She came in at 9:30am. My husband has cancer and cannot deal with the stress. She said she was at a house party. We asked if she was embarrassed to go out a window. She said yes, was remorseful but has said sorry 3 other times. We have expressed the fact that after 12pm she should be home. We told our granddaughter that this is causing us severe stress and worry since, we don't know where she is. We are used to a clean an organized home. My granddaughter is 22.......not exactly neat. Plus, we are worried constantly if, she is drinking or where she is going if, she is not working. 

Today, I called my daughter to take her home. My granddaughter needs them and their guidance. My husband is not healthy enough to deal with this. My daughter refuses to take her home. She says for us, to put her in a sober living house in Florida. They live in Maryland. Problem is: my granddaughter has no transportation/license to get a job. We are in Florida and forget bus lines. I am at my wits end with my daughter and granddaughter.  

My daughter always has an excuse to ship my granddaughter away. My granddaughter is crying that she will try harder (has no place to go and knows that my daughter doesn't want her there because of the youngest ) and my husband has stated he wants her to leave because he cannot deal with the stress. My stress level is off the charts. I have a daughter who has her happy family life with a second husband and their daughter and my oldest granddaughter just disrupts their happy life.  Mean while, I do not know what to do anymore...... I am at a loss. I cannot imagine being 22 and no one wants you. Any advice would be appreciated.........   

My husband is 70 and I am 67 and I also still work. 

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She's 22. She needs to sort herself out, rather than mooching off you or her parents.

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tAgain, welcome Scarpio318.

I tend to agree with Imp to a certain degree.  It does sound as if her mother might not have the best interest of her daughter in this situation.  You and your husband certainly are not responsible for this young lady, not should you be expected to be IMHO (in my humble opinion)

You say your daughter said for us, to put her in a sober living house in Florida

Are you her legal guardian?  If not, how can you enroll her into any program?

You also say, I am at a loss. I cannot imagine being 22 and no one wants you. Any advice would be appreciated.........   

Many of our members were responsible for their own young children at the age of 22.  Is your GD (granddaughter) mentally competent of taking care of herself with the assistance of a group type home?  If so, maybe that would be a place for you to encourage her to apply to.

Edited by SueSTx

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14 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

tAgain, welcome Scarpio318.

I tend to agree with Imp to a certain degree.  It does sound as if her mother might not have the best interest of her daughter in this situation.  You and your husband certainly are not responsible for this young lady, not should you be expected to be IMHO (in my humble opinion)

You say your daughter said for us, to put her in a sober living house in Florida

Are you her legal guardian?  If not, how can you enroll her into any program?

You also say, I am at a loss. I cannot imagine being 22 and no one wants you. Any advice would be appreciated.........   

Many of our members were responsible for their own young children at the age of 22.  Is your GD (granddaughter) mentally competent of taking care of herself with the assistance of a group type home?  If so, maybe that would be a place for you to encourage her to apply to.

The other thing I'd add is that her mother *does* have a minor child in the home still. It is often advised, by addiction specialists, by child protective services, to NOT have an addict in the home w/minor children, as it can endanger them.

I don't know all the details, and suspect that the version that her parents would tell would be very different than the one the gdd does.

Even if she was at home w/her parents, they can't force her into any sort of treatment either, as she is an adult, and unless she's declared incompetant, nothing they can actually *make* her do.

A parent cannot decide that their child is ADD/Bipolar. That's a dx that comes from a psychiatrist, not something that a parent can just up and decide. It may well be that she was misdiagnosed, I don't doubt that at all, but I wouldn't blame her parents for that, since no layperson can dx, nor prescribe those meds.

I suspect there's a lot that you don't know, Scorpio, about this siutation, especially if your gdd is the source of information. Addicts lie. I'm not saying your dd handled everything perfectly, but I wouldn't trust the version of events from your gdd either. You've already seen for yourself that she doesn't respect those she lives with, and she's only been with you for 3 months.

I'd also say, if she's sneaking out windows, she is NOT sober.

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SueSTx........thank you for your reply. We are not her legal guardian but, financially she has nothing and her mom and dad will not help her. She was in a rehab facility for 9 months in California. The first 4 months were detoxing her from Lithium and ADHD meds.  She was doing great in sober living but missed home since her parents never visited her for 9 months. They were never involved in her care or family therapy. She was so lonely for family. She did have difficulty while there because she only rode a bike and a lot of employers would not hire her. The sober living home was off the highway so you really needed a car. She started taking Uber but between rent and Uber she saved nothing. My husband was not able to fly to see her because he had a stem cell replacement and he still cannot fly. She was really homesick and wanted her family.  She came to live with us because we are a golf cart community and she can golf cart to work. She has been working and trying to save to pay off her parking tickets to re-instate her license and get insurance. She is 22 but if she does go into a sober home, again she will not have any transportation and back to Uber and being broke. Her mom and dad do not help her at all. She is capable of living on her own with guidance, but she also just came off of 18 years of drugs that affected her brain and alcoholism. I am making excuses because I am concerned for her welfare and would hope that her mom would help her but she won't.  My husband cannot deal with the stress (understandably) and neither can I but.............is it the right thing to do to send her out again? I'm so torn for her mental health.

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1 minute ago, Scorpio318 said:

SueSTx........thank you for your reply. We are not her legal guardian but, financially she has nothing and her mom and dad will not help her. She was in a rehab facility for 9 months in California. The first 4 months were detoxing her from Lithium and ADHD meds.  She was doing great in sober living but missed home since her parents never visited her for 9 months. They were never involved in her care or family therapy. She was so lonely for family. She did have difficulty while there because she only rode a bike and a lot of employers would not hire her. The sober living home was off the highway so you really needed a car. She started taking Uber but between rent and Uber she saved nothing. My husband was not able to fly to see her because he had a stem cell replacement and he still cannot fly. She was really homesick and wanted her family.  She came to live with us because we are a golf cart community and she can golf cart to work. She has been working and trying to save to pay off her parking tickets to re-instate her license and get insurance. She is 22 but if she does go into a sober home, again she will not have any transportation and back to Uber and being broke. Her mom and dad do not help her at all. She is capable of living on her own with guidance, but she also just came off of 18 years of drugs that affected her brain and alcoholism. I am making excuses because I am concerned for her welfare and would hope that her mom would help her but she won't.  My husband cannot deal with the stress (understandably) and neither can I but.............is it the right thing to do to send her out again? I'm so torn for her mental health.

 

I do understand what you're saying.

But...she's sneaking out windows. That's not a sign of sobriety.

If she has no expenses, since she's living with you, and parking tickets to pay off, I'm wondering where her money is going.

Unfortunately, when it comes to addictions, the line btwn 'helping' and 'enabling' is a very fine one, indeed.

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To your knowledge, has she been dx with mental health issues?  I don't have a clue what kind of social services are available in your state.  Is she even a legal resident of your state? 

And I again agree with IMP...are you helping or enabling.  If she is sneaking out windows and staying out all night, does she want to get out of debt and making a life for herself.  She apparently can't expect even emotional support from her mother.

 

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I agree about sneaking out of windows. It is a great concern and is truly worrisome. It makes me extremely angry and distrustful but also worried about her welfare and mental health. So because of this do I just tell her to get out? 

She has been saving money. My husband set up her account. She started waitressing about a month ago and bought presents for her family for Christmas. The rest is in her account. She works now, about 30 hours per week waitressing. During the time of her "crazy" episodes while on lithium, she was getting parking tickets and just ignored them. They are now over $900 and were originally about $100 prior to her going in to Treatment. The year while she was in California, the ticket fees just grew and grew.

I do not want to enable her..........I want to her to be responsible. She is 22 going on 18 but time will go by if, we do not do the right thing to help her. I know her heart aches to be part of the family with her mom, dad and sister but......that is not going to happen. It hurts her terribly...it hurts me too.  

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3 minutes ago, Scorpio318 said:

I agree about sneaking out of windows. It is a great concern and is truly worrisome. It makes me extremely angry and distrustful but also worried about her welfare and mental health. So because of this do I just tell her to get out? 

She has been saving money. My husband set up her account. She started waitressing about a month ago and bought presents for her family for Christmas. The rest is in her account. She works now, about 30 hours per week waitressing. During the time of her "crazy" episodes while on lithium, she was getting parking tickets and just ignored them. They are now over $900 and were originally about $100 prior to her going in to Treatment. The year while she was in California, the ticket fees just grew and grew.

I do not want to enable her..........I want to her to be responsible. She is 22 going on 18 but time will go by if, we do not do the right thing to help her. I know her heart aches to be part of the family with her mom, dad and sister but......that is not going to happen. It hurts her terribly...it hurts me too.  

Again, I gently ask, how much do you know about her relationship w/her parents and sister?

I ask, b/c it is so NOT uncommon, when dealing w/a child who has addictions, to get to the point where, for the health and safety of those in your home, that you simply *cannot* give any more. That you get used up. That the stress, toxic, even abusive behaviour simply cannot go on a moment longer.

It's a very, VERY difficult, painful, toxic dynamic, living with an addict.

I'm just trying to caution you that there are two sides (at least!) to this, and that your gdd has addiction issues, and is unlikely to be wholly truthful with you about all that's happened.

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23 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

The other thing I'd add is that her mother *does* have a minor child in the home still. It is often advised, by addiction specialists, by child protective services, to NOT have an addict in the home w/minor children, as it can endanger them.

I don't know all the details, and suspect that the version that her parents would tell would be very different than the one the gdd does.

Even if she was at home w/her parents, they can't force her into any sort of treatment either, as she is an adult, and unless she's declared incompetant, nothing they can actually *make* her do.

A parent cannot decide that their child is ADD/Bipolar. That's a dx that comes from a psychiatrist, not something that a parent can just up and decide. It may well be that she was misdiagnosed, I don't doubt that at all, but I wouldn't blame her parents for that, since no layperson can dx, nor prescribe those meds.

I suspect there's a lot that you don't know, Scorpio, about this siutation, especially if your gdd is the source of information. Addicts lie. I'm not saying your dd handled everything perfectly, but I wouldn't trust the version of events from your gdd either. You've already seen for yourself that she doesn't respect those she lives with, and she's only been with you for 3 months.

I'd also say, if she's sneaking out windows, she is NOT sober.

My granddaughter does not blame her mom at all and states that her mom felt it was the right thing to do. She was very hurt that her parents did not come for family counseling during the 9 months or come to see her at all.

Regarding the circumstance, I do see it and that is why both my husband and myself had my granddaughter come to our home. I actually feel bad for my granddaughter because I have seen the lack of love and concern for the older daughter. She is a "bother" to them. It actually breaks my heart. I have expressed my feelings many times and my daughter does nothing. My granddaughter is not the source of my information. I live it. 

Regarding sneaking out of windows, I agree and I am concerned for her mental and physical health. '

Thank you for your help.......I appreciate it. Writing and seeing things in black and white put things into better perspective.

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4 minutes ago, Scorpio318 said:

My granddaughter does not blame her mom at all and states that her mom felt it was the right thing to do. She was very hurt that her parents did not come for family counseling during the 9 months or come to see her at all.

Regarding the circumstance, I do see it and that is why both my husband and myself had my granddaughter come to our home. I actually feel bad for my granddaughter because I have seen the lack of love and concern for the older daughter. She is a "bother" to them. It actually breaks my heart. I have expressed my feelings many times and my daughter does nothing. My granddaughter is not the source of my information. I live it. 

Regarding sneaking out of windows, I agree and I am concerned for her mental and physical health. '

Thank you for your help.......I appreciate it. Writing and seeing things in black and white put things into better perspective.

The reason I ask, is that you said you're long distance. I wondered how much of the dynamic you actually witnessed in action, vs what you've been told.

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4 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

Again, I gently ask, how much do you know about her relationship w/her parents and sister?

I ask, b/c it is so NOT uncommon, when dealing w/a child who has addictions, to get to the point where, for the health and safety of those in your home, that you simply *cannot* give any more. That you get used up. That the stress, toxic, even abusive behaviour simply cannot go on a moment longer.

It's a very, VERY difficult, painful, toxic dynamic, living with an addict.

I'm just trying to caution you that there are two sides (at least!) to this, and that your gdd has addiction issues, and is unlikely to be wholly truthful with you about all that's happened.

My oldest grandaughter was a handful but also, the youngest "knew" how to get her in trouble or would also lie for favoritism. I love them both but, I have seen it first hand. It is not only myself, but also my husband, my sister-in-law etc. that has seen the favoritism. My daughter worked with me when, she lived in our area. I was able to see the interaction first hand. The youngest is the golden child and the oldest was the evil step. The oldest acted the way she did because she was given medicine that handicapped her. Because her mind was always racing from the lithium or ADHD meds, she started drinking around 17 to calm herself down. The treatment facility stated the medicine given to her caused all her mental problems. 

My oldest does not blame anyone but also does not understand why, she is being shunned after being in a facility for 9 months to help her get her mentally to better health. They never came for her birthday or any holiday. I believe that she still needs a psychologist to deal with her family dynamics. Her mom, dad and sister just ignore that she is around. I have expressed to her that this is the way it is but, she is just hurt and doesn't understand how they can just walk away when, it wasn't really her fault.

I understand it being difficult living with an addict. She never took drugs, she drank to calm herself down from the medicine. She couldn't sleep. She could go hours without sleep. As she got older it got worse and worse.  

I truly believe that if, her mom was involved in her life it would make a difference. She feels unloved. I cannot change that.  

I'm just not sure that sending her out.....is the right thing.

I have my husband's health to be concerned with and I have some medical issues but I don't want to see her back to square 1.

Again, thank you for all of your help. I appreciate it.

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7 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

The reason I ask, is that you said you're long distance. I wondered how much of the dynamic you actually witnessed in action, vs what you've been told.

My daughter worked with me in our area so, I saw it first hand for over 3 years. The older grand would sleep in our house because she didn't want to go home and be ignored.  I am really looking at all that I am writing and I feel like we are so disfunctional and I don't know how to fix what's broken. 

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Sometimes it is next to impossible to fix what is broken without causing future damage to others.

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4 minutes ago, Scorpio318 said:

My oldest grandaughter was a handful but also, the youngest "knew" how to get her in trouble or would also lie for favoritism. I love them both but, I have seen it first hand. It is not only myself, but also my husband, my sister-in-law etc. that has seen the favoritism. My daughter worked with me when, she lived in our area. I was able to see the interaction first hand. The youngest is the golden child and the oldest was the evil step. The oldest acted the way she did because she was given medicine that handicapped her. Because her mind was always racing from the lithium or ADHD meds, she started drinking around 17 to calm herself down. The treatment facility stated the medicine given to her caused all her mental problems. 

My oldest does not blame anyone but also does not understand why, she is being shunned after being in a facility for 9 months to help her get her mentally to better health. They never came for her birthday or any holiday. I believe that she still needs a psychologist to deal with her family dynamics. Her mom, dad and sister just ignore that she is around. I have expressed to her that this is the way it is but, she is just hurt and doesn't understand how they can just walk away when, it wasn't really her fault.

I understand it being difficult living with an addict. She never took drugs, she drank to calm herself down from the medicine. She couldn't sleep. She could go hours without sleep. As she got older it got worse and worse.  

I truly believe that if, her mom was involved in her life it would make a difference. She feels unloved. I cannot change that.  

I'm just not sure that sending her out.....is the right thing.

I have my husband's health to be concerned with and I have some medical issues but I don't want to see her back to square 1.

Again, thank you for all of your help. I appreciate it.

She had have been under the care of a dr/psychiatrist to be on the meds she was on. Sounds like they dropped the ball, in a large way.

An alcoholic is an addict just as surely as someone that is hooked on cocaine. 

It sounds like there are a LOT of layers here.

1 minute ago, Scorpio318 said:

My daughter worked with me in our area so, I saw it first hand for over 3 years. The older grand would sleep in our house because she didn't want to go home and be ignored.  I am really looking at all that I am writing and I feel like we are so disfunctional and I don't know how to fix what's broken. 

You can't fix it. Only your gdd can. She has to decide that she wants to be healthy and seek appropriate therapies to get there. There's not a blessed thing you can do to make her make that choice. Loved ones of addicts have faced that reality forever. The only person that can make her want to be healthy is her. If she's not ready to make that choice, there's nothing you can do.

Think about it: she has a home to live in, food on the table, many, many clothes (according to another post of yours), etc. She has folks (you and your husband) that care about her,and want her to be well.

And she's sneaking out her window.

God only knows *who* she's given your address to, that's waiting for her as she sneaks out.

Your gdd has to make the choice to change. Right now, she isn't.

 

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1 minute ago, ImpishMom said:

She had have been under the care of a dr/psychiatrist to be on the meds she was on. Sounds like they dropped the ball, in a large way.

An alcoholic is an addict just as surely as someone that is hooked on cocaine. 

It sounds like there are a LOT of layers here.

You can't fix it. Only your gdd can. She has to decide that she wants to be healthy and seek appropriate therapies to get there. There's not a blessed thing you can do to make her make that choice. Loved ones of addicts have faced that reality forever. The only person that can make her want to be healthy is her. If she's not ready to make that choice, there's nothing you can do.

Think about it: she has a home to live in, food on the table, many, many clothes (according to another post of yours), etc. She has folks (you and your husband) that care about her,and want her to be well.

And she's sneaking out her window.

God only knows *who* she's given your address to, that's waiting for her as she sneaks out.

Your gdd has to make the choice to change. Right now, she isn't.

 

Your right............she has to make that choice but, should we make her leave?

I am torn that this is not the right thing to do. I don't want to set her back.

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At the least, I would set some boundaries...she lives in your home...she follows your rules...make some to at least lessen the stress on your sick husband.

If she only works 30 hours and you are a full time employee, how about cooking a couple of nights a week, doing your laundry once during the week while you do it on the weekend AND no sneaking out.  She goes out the front door and comes back at a reasonable time without disturbing the whole household.

On year, I had both of my two college students living at home and I only cooked on the weekend.  They did their own laundry and kept their rooms as clean as they got.  If they hadn't respected our home, they would have been invited to leave...wait...I did offer to drive my 20 year old DD to register at the dorm one night when she got sassy.  She changed her tune. 

ETA:  Sometimes in some cases it takes tough love to get through to a young adult.

Edited by SueSTx
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6 minutes ago, Scorpio318 said:

Your right............she has to make that choice but, should we make her leave?

I am torn that this is not the right thing to do. I don't want to set her back.

Your husband is very, very ill. What's best for him?

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Just now, ImpishMom said:

Your husband is very, very ill. What's best for him?

He cannot deal with the stress of worrying if, she is going out late. So he wants her to leave. My daughter's last conversation to me was that she needs to find a place on her own. She messed up so she needs to fix it. I told her that her father cannot deal with the stress and my daughter said that our grand needs to fix it and find a place on her own. I said she needs to help her and my daughter said she called my grand to tell her to find a place to go. I said where can she go? No money or a car? She said it's her problem. 

It sounds right but I don't think my grand is capable yet. She is still not healed. So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.  She as very little money and no car. Where can she go except onto the street. 

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10 minutes ago, Scorpio318 said:

He cannot deal with the stress of worrying if, she is going out late. So he wants her to leave. My daughter's last conversation to me was that she needs to find a place on her own. She messed up so she needs to fix it. I told her that her father cannot deal with the stress and my daughter said that our grand needs to fix it and find a place on her own. I said she needs to help her and my daughter said she called my grand to tell her to find a place to go. I said where can she go? No money or a car? She said it's her problem. 

It sounds right but I don't think my grand is capable yet. She is still not healed. So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.  She as very little money and no car. Where can she go except onto the street. 

I guess my question is, what's going to make her capable? Do you really believe that more time in your home will do it? I mean, she's been there 3 months, and is climbing out windows. It doesn't seem, to *me*, that more time at your house is going to actually improve anything at this point.

For many addicts, it takes 'hitting rock bottom' before they decide to change. They run out of folks to enable them, to give them housing, food, money, etc.

Your gdd should be the one worrying about where she's going to go, not you. She's an adult and should be focused on becoming healthy and independant. It doesn't seem that she's doing it now.

Your dd is right. This is your gdd problem to sort out.

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She says for us, to put her in a sober living house in Florida.

Is there any such arrangements to be made in your area?

If the doctors/counselors at rehab were not skilled enough to get her well, what makes you think you can?

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4 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

I guess my question is, what's going to make her capable? Do you really believe that more time in your home will do it? I mean, she's been there 3 months, and is climbing out windows. It doesn't seem, to *me*, that more time at your house is going to actually improve anything at this point.

For many addicts, it takes 'hitting rock bottom' before they decide to change. They run out of folks to enable them, to give them housing, food, money, etc.

Your gdd should be the one worrying about where she's going to go, not you. She's an adult and should be focused on becoming healthy and independant. It doesn't seem that she's doing it now.

Your dd is right. This is your gdd problem to sort out.

Your right.........she needs to do what's right.

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7 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

She says for us, to put her in a sober living house in Florida.

Is there any such arrangements to be made in your area?

If the doctors/counselors at rehab were not skilled enough to get her well, what makes you think you can?

There is nothing in our immediate area. She has called the treatment facility to find out where there is something. My heart breaks with all of this.  

She was finished with her treatment. They say that she had done well but she did not want to stay in California with no means of transportation and wanted to go home to her family,

Edited by Scorpio318
to add a response to a question.

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Do you really think you can fix it?

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Our eldest daughter and her kids have lived with us for 3 years.

It only works because our daughter is who she is and keeps her kids on the straight and narrow. IF any of them were addicts, we'd research, move heaven and earth to find them help (perhaps many different facilities, recidivism is a real problem).

BUT, the help would have to be in a live-in facility, not our home. Our number one priority is always to care for each other and our health.

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