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RoseRed135

Welcome Newcomers, 2017! And Welcome Back Returnees!

82 posts in this topic

I thought I had a lot with 9! And I'm sure all my kids are done...4 bio, 4 step & 1 by attrition...I'm good. 

Please keep in touch here if you can. The birth of a new baby is always so exciting....

Consider adding us to your "favorites" folder so you can come back easily.  

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Hello, I am a maternal grandmother with a long story that is just too long to post it all here.  I have one grandchild who is now 6 and lives far away from me and I rarely get to see her.  Her paternal grandparents live in the same town as my granddaughter so they get to see and experience all her milestones.  She is very close to them so there is a lot of jealousy on my part.  My SIL and I do not get along and the very few times I have visited my daughter and granddaughter, he makes my visit miserable.  It has been very apparent since i first met this man that he wants only his family and not my daughter's.   This makes me feel like I cannot visit them so I have stopped.  His whole family treats me and my husband like we are not welcome and when we did visit, they would not let us have alone time with my granddaughter.   They come over daily during our visit with enticing things to steer her in their direction so the visit is no longer worth it to us.  I also feel like i have lost my daughter.  Her husband will not allow me to be alone with her either.  He has to monitor all our conversations.  The only time I get to speak with her is on her way to work in the morning.  I am not allowed to call my daughter when he is at home.  She says it is easier that way.  So I have been grieving since my granddaughter was born.  I send gifts to my granddaughter and buy her things so I have become important to her because I buy her things.  But she does not really know us and I feel I will need to come to terms with it that it will always be this way.  My daughter is very sweet and has accepted this man and his family even though he has cheated on her three times.  I don't know how to deal with that aspect of it either because it is against my principles and i am now finding it more and more difficult to be around him.  I wish my daughter never told me.  So i have been upset and sad and grieving for this whole time.  And I dont know how to deal with it.  I was hoping to find some guidance.  I tried therapy but the therapist just told me to leave them all be and make a life of my own but there is such an empty feeling in my heart.  

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@Gramster58 - My heart goes out to you! It sounds as if both your SIL and his parents are very controlling - perhaps even "engulfing," as it is sometimes called.* It's totally understandable, IMO, that you're "grieving" - mourning what must seem the "lost relationship" w/ your DD (dear daughter), the relationship you feel you'll  "never have" w/ GD (granddaughter) and "the way things might have been" (quoted words are mine).

If it's any comfort, it's not unusual for GPs to feel this when when their AC (adult child/ren) and GC (grandchild/ren) move far away. Nor is it uncommon for the parent/AC relationship to change after the AC gets married. However, it does sound as if SIL and his parents try to erase your and DH's (dear husband's) presence as much as possible according to your above post and one of your posts elsewhere. I'm so deeply sorry about that.

And, of course, I know it hurts you that besides it all, SIL has cheated on DD. It's not only a serious marital problem, but, no doubt, it pains you, as a mom, to hear this. I get that DD needed to talk to someone about this, but has she considered counseling as you did?

Unfortunately, for now, at least, DD has chosen to accept this situation as is. As such, I don't see where there is anything you can do about it, as I'm sure you realize, yourself. That's probably why your therapist advised you to just go ahead "and make a life of your own." I understand that there's still "an empty feeling in your heart," though, and I think you need to work through that. Hopefully, we can help you w/ that hear. (((Hugs!)))

 

* You may want to see the thread about "engulfers" in the MIL Anonymous forum:

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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Thank you,RoseRed135 for your nice post.  I went to the forum you suggested and was enlightened.  I never knew of the term engulfing IL's.  It describes part of my situation to the "t".  

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2 hours ago, Gramster58 said:

Thank you,RoseRed135 for your nice post.  I went to the forum you suggested and was enlightened.  I never knew of the term engulfing IL's.  It describes part of my situation to the "t".  

Glad you appreciated my post, Gramster! Also, I'm not surprised that the engulfer thread was so related to your story. It definitely sounded like that from what you told us.

Meanwhile, I'm glad you keep in touch w/ GD, even if it's mostly via sending her gifts, etc. At least, that way you're keeping in contact w/ her/maintaining some kind of relationship w/ her. I see you've discovered the Grandparenting From Afar forum, and you may find other ideas there for keeping in touch that will work for you. (I realize not all of them will b/c of the sensitive circumstances.)

Anyhow, I'm glad you're checking out and posting in other groups already. And I'm glad you brought your concerns to us. Welcome! :)

Edited by RoseRed135

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Just want to add that, in time, DD may decide to leave SIL. If so, she may turn to you for solace, etc. And, if so, I trust you'll be there for her w/ open arms.... Peace...

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Hi, I am a newbie to this site but I have a one 8 year old grandson whom I adore. I relocated here to Southern California to retire 1.5 yrs ago after my mother passed away because of the cold midwest winters. I miss my grandson and he talk by phone and Facebook on a regular basis. I recently had to fly back because of a family emergency which was bittersweet. I want to see him every summer but he is too small to travel by himself. I don't really get along with my daughter- in law because my son and her have been divorced for 5 yrs now but I got to spend a couple of days with my grandson. 

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@nursejanice59 - Welcome!

What a darling GS (grandson) you have! It must be hard to live so far away from him, but how wonderful that you get to talk regularly on the phone and FB!

I'm sorry about your DS' (dear son's) divorce and that it has had a negative impact on your relationship w/ DIL. But I'm glad it hasn't interfered w/ your relationship w/ GS.

Sorry, too, about your family emergency. Hope it worked out ok in the end. And glad you got to spend time w/ GS!

Hopefully, as he gets older, he will be able to visit you in Southern California. Meanwhile, have you talked to DS about your getting to visit them (DS and GS) in the warmer months?

Regardless, glad you came in to talk w/ us!

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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Hello I'm a 49 year old mother of six,grandmother to six. Fantastic to find a group for grammies:yahoo:

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Well, Welcome @Mimco...we are fabulous group of mostly grannies, some daughters' in-law, some grandpas and a few assorted others. All are welcome. You will find differing opinions on everything as well as support & camaraderie as we navigate the realities of life.

Feel free to jump in anywhere. However, we do ask that you not post in threads more than 3 months old (unless you are the original poster). As well, you are unable to open your own thread before amassing 10 posts total in other threads. 

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One exception, Mimco - It's also ok to post in "stickyposts"/threads pinned to the front of a forum w/ a thumbtack icon - like this one - even if they're old.

But, anyhow, glad you decided to join us! How wonderful to be a young  GM (grandmother) to such a lovely large family! :)

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Note from RoseRed:  Possible trigger

New Member here, stopping in to introduce myself.  I'm a 63 YO mother of twins and GM of 2 (a GD by each of my kids) with a third on the way. Currently living with DD and SIL and a 2.5 YO DGD.  I have full care of GD 2 days and take her to preschool the other three days of the week.  Both parents are very grateful for the help and in general we get along fabulously. They are busy professionals and also dedicated parents.

My son, DIL and other DGD (three YO) live on the opposite coast from me, but I get to visit often and am actually about to be in position to split my year between the two coasts!  Very excited about that.

Technically I am a retired Entrepreneur, having sold my last business three years ago, but as most Entrepreneurs will tell you, we never really retire.  I see a new business opportunity at least 3x a week! Loving being an active GM fortunately keeps me from acting on those ideas, lol.

Aside from the GM role, and trying to resist starting a new business, I have a few horses I adore (Warmbloods for those who care to know) a few friends I adore, one ex I adore, and an ex we won't speak of.  No DH for me.  After two divorces, I gave up.

Now here's the tough part, and truthfully, why I ended up here. I have some nasty abuse in my background that I have for the most part dealt with.  But I sometimes still have a problem sorting out what's normal and what is not.  I am running into that with my SIL in terms of how he disciplines my DGD.  He absolutely adores her, and I know his intentions are good, but on three occasions now I have observed what in my heart I believe is abusive behavior.  It's not like I've seen him hit her (I would KNOW what to do about THAT!) It's that he has used physical force to make her comply with his request, and he uses that force in an angry way, while yelling very sternly at her.  It is frightening to me.  My heart breaks for how it must make this sweet, kind, loving (though very strong willed) child feel.  I know my daughter has concerns but we don't discuss these things in order to not interfere with her marriage.  

Anyway...I guess I'm sort of trying to bypass the 10 post rule, so I'll end this "introduction" now with an apology, and a promise to get my posts in! Its just been a rough night and I am trying to sort out how to greet this man in the morning!  I could barely acknowledge him this evening, I was so distraught.  Looking forward to being a part of the community here.

Cheers

Edited by RoseRed135
to add trigger notice

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11 hours ago, GranLynn said:

Note from RoseRed:  Possible trigger

New Member here, stopping in to introduce myself.  I'm a 63 YO mother of twins and GM of 2 (a GD by each of my kids) with a third on the way. Currently living with DD and SIL and a 2.5 YO DGD.  I have full care of GD 2 days and take her to preschool the other three days of the week.  Both parents are very grateful for the help and in general we get along fabulously. They are busy professionals and also dedicated parents.

My son, DIL and other DGD (three YO) live on the opposite coast from me, but I get to visit often and am actually about to be in position to split my year between the two coasts!  Very excited about that.

Technically I am a retired Entrepreneur, having sold my last business three years ago, but as most Entrepreneurs will tell you, we never really retire.  I see a new business opportunity at least 3x a week! Loving being an active GM fortunately keeps me from acting on those ideas, lol.

Aside from the GM role, and trying to resist starting a new business, I have a few horses I adore (Warmbloods for those who care to know) a few friends I adore, one ex I adore, and an ex we won't speak of.  No DH for me.  After two divorces, I gave up.

Now here's the tough part, and truthfully, why I ended up here. I have some nasty abuse in my background that I have for the most part dealt with.  But I sometimes still have a problem sorting out what's normal and what is not.  I am running into that with my SIL in terms of how he disciplines my DGD.  He absolutely adores her, and I know his intentions are good, but on three occasions now I have observed what in my heart I believe is abusive behavior.  It's not like I've seen him hit her (I would KNOW what to do about THAT!) It's that he has used physical force to make her comply with his request, and he uses that force in an angry way, while yelling very sternly at her.  It is frightening to me.  My heart breaks for how it must make this sweet, kind, loving (though very strong willed) child feel.  I know my daughter has concerns but we don't discuss these things in order to not interfere with her marriage.  

Anyway...I guess I'm sort of trying to bypass the 10 post rule, so I'll end this "introduction" now with an apology, and a promise to get my posts in! Its just been a rough night and I am trying to sort out how to greet this man in the morning!  I could barely acknowledge him this evening, I was so distraught.  Looking forward to being a part of the community here.

Cheers

Wow. The first half of your post here, GrantLynn was so delightful - and the second part so disturbing! I'm going to have to think a lot about this situation before I say much more.

For now, I'll just say that, no doubt, any negative physical contact is a trigger for someone like yourself who has "some nasty abuse in (her) background." In fact, I hope you understand that I've placed a "trigger warning" on your post for anyone reading here who might have the same issues. It's not clear to me, though, what kind of physical force you're talking about. IDK if it's a matter, for example, of removing DGD from dangerous situations or coercing her into places she doesn't want to be.

This, of course, is just a kind of introductory thread and forum. You might also want to post in Grandparents Caring for Grandkids, especially in the following thread:

 

But maybe you would rather amass your 10 posts  on more lightweight threads and then open one of your own, which I totally understand.

Glad you decided to come in and talk with us! Welcome!

Edited by RoseRed135
to reflect editing of quoted post

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<<<POSSIBLE TRIGGER>>>

 

Thanks for your response RoseRed and thanks for adding the trigger warning.  I'm not sure if I need to add a trigger warning to any reply to this post, but better safe than sorry!.

I'm going to clarify some things here, and then will move on to other boards since this is an introduction forum.  First, my abuse was sexual abuse at a very young age.  That combined with alcoholism in my FOO leaves me quite open to second guessing my gut feelings. As to the type of physical force, it's probably easier to describe the situation I walked into last night.  My very smart and very strong willed GD had gotten angry about being required to do something and apparently had thrown down her drink.  SIL had demanded she pick it up several times, she didn't comply and he resorted to the 1-2-3 method (while yelling in an angry voice which he believes "helps" her understand he must be respected).  When she continued to refuse to comply (crying near hysterically) he stood over her and forced her down (again, while yelling) to contact the drink.  She still didn't comply so he picked her up to carry her to "the crying chair" while continuing to yell about how she must obey when Pappi or Mommy tell her do do something..."IS THAT CLEAR?!?!?!" 

She's 2 and a half.  She's too scared for anything to be clear!!!

As I said before, this has happened maybe three times that I know of.  But my gut tells me this will escalate some day.  If he cannot manage to work with a toddler without requiring force, how will he handle a belligerent teenager? 

He has also used what he would describe as "tugging" the hair behind her ear to get her to pay attention!  When my DD told him that was 100% not acceptable he stated that is how his mother dealt with him, and he is fine.  Clearly the above example shows he is NOT fine.

Again, this is an educated professional - a physician - from Latin America where they do tend to use physical punishment more, and a man that seems in most ways to love his family very much.  I'm just not sure how he can think this behavior is acceptable in any way.

Thanks for listening.  I'll move on to reading and posting in other places, and can perhaps join in on some more positive threads!

Cheers!

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Thanks for clarifying, Lynn. So deeply sorry for the sexual abuse you suffered

3 hours ago, GranLynn said:

<<<POSSIBLE TRIGGER>>>

 

Thanks for your response RoseRed and thanks for adding the trigger warning.  I'm not sure if I need to add a trigger warning to any reply to this post, but better safe than sorry!.

I'm going to clarify some things here, and then will move on to other boards since this is an introduction forum.  First, my abuse was sexual abuse at a very young age.  That combined with alcoholism in my FOO leaves me quite open to second guessing my gut feelings. As to the type of physical force, it's probably easier to describe the situation I walked into last night.  My very smart and very strong willed GD had gotten angry about being required to do something and apparently had thrown down her drink.  SIL had demanded she pick it up several times, she didn't comply and he resorted to the 1-2-3 method (while yelling in an angry voice which he believes "helps" her understand he must be respected).  When she continued to refuse to comply (crying near hysterically) he stood over her and forced her down (again, while yelling) to contact the drink.  She still didn't comply so he picked her up to carry her to "the crying chair" while continuing to yell about how she must obey when Pappi or Mommy tell her do do something..."IS THAT CLEAR?!?!?!" 

She's 2 and a half.  She's too scared for anything to be clear!!!

As I said before, this has happened maybe three times that I know of.  But my gut tells me this will escalate some day.  If he cannot manage to work with a toddler without requiring force, how will he handle a belligerent teenager? 

He has also used what he would describe as "tugging" the hair behind her ear to get her to pay attention!  When my DD told him that was 100% not acceptable he stated that is how his mother dealt with him, and he is fine.  Clearly the above example shows he is NOT fine.

Again, this is an educated professional - a physician - from Latin America where they do tend to use physical punishment more, and a man that seems in most ways to love his family very much.  I'm just not sure how he can think this behavior is acceptable in any way.

Thanks for listening.  I'll move on to reading and posting in other places, and can perhaps join in on some more positive threads!

Cheers!

Thanks for clarifying, Lynn. So deeply sorry for the sexual abuse you suffered. It seems you have moved on, however, to lead a very happy life, and that, IMO, is a good thing.

It seems that SIL is mixing a number of common, acceptable discipline practices - the 1-2-3 message, "the crying chair" (though I usually hear of it referred to as "the naughty chair" or "the time out chair") w/ some less acceptable ones (by modern standards) - yelling repeatedly at a 2-yr-old, pulling her hair, etc.

It's very tricky to know if/when a GM "should" step in regarding any of the less desirable choices. I'm glad you came here to talk w/ us about it before making any moves you might regret. This is something I know I have to think more about, and so, I'm sure do you. But I imagine we'll talk more about it in other threads or, eventually, one of your own. I'm sure others will join in, at some point, too.

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I raised one of those hard headed little girls...she's now 40, still marches to her own little drummer, is an excellent mother and successful business woman...managing 1M sq ft of commercial space...her way, of course.

When she was little I discovered that gaining her cooperation got me much further than expecting obedience. When she discovered that she wasn't being micromanaged every minute of every day, she was helpful, cooperative and easy to deal with...still had a head like a rock, but a manageable rock. 

This is what I would have said about the thrown drink: I need you to pick up the cup, then lets get the paper towels and wipe this up. 

Object lesson punishments worked really well on her...she rarely did the same annoying things twice.

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Well this place looks pretty neat.  Hi everyone.  Obviously I am new here.  I am a grandfather who is raising my grandson.  Yes there is also grandma.  I may be new here but we have had our grandson for 5 years now almost. 

Its neat to find a place like this where maybe I can find some great advice, offer some advice and maybe just sit back and chat.  Hope thats enough for now.

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If you're just joining/returning now, would love to have you join in our holiday game:

 

 

 

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Hi. I am happily married, 3 daughters, 7 grandchildren. I’m excited you have accepted me into your group. Thank you.  Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and looking forward to spending time with your loved ones and friends for the holidays.  

 Oldest daughter has decided I’m not allowed in her life along with her 3 children due to my ex’s lie.   She’s a Christian her father in law a minister.    

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Welcome Lori. 

How long have the two of you been divorced?  If not long, give her some time.  It took five years, but hubby is once again inviting daughter and her husband of 15 years back into our home.  Some peoples "hurt" just take more time to reconcile than others.

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3 hours ago, Lori214 said:

She’s a Christian her father in law a minister.

Welcome Lori214...happy you've found us. You will find much support, commiseration and challenging opinion...all good. Life is a learning curve.

As for the quoted....what about the concept of forgiveness? Isn't that a tenant of christian faith? The next time you are able to communicate with her, remind her that what her dad does/doesn't do shouldn't reflect on you (or her) and that you'd like the opportunity to move forward.

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8 hours ago, Lori214 said:

Hi. I am happily married, 3 daughters, 7 grandchildren. I’m excited you have accepted me into your group. Thank you.  Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and looking forward to spending time with your loved ones and friends for the holidays.  

 Oldest daughter has decided I’m not allowed in her life along with her 3 children due to my ex’s lie.   She’s a Christian her father in law a minister.    

Hi Lori! I'm glad you like it here! Happy to have you!

Thanks for the good wishes! I hope you'll be enjoying holiday time w/ loved ones, as well.

I'm sorry about your ODD (older dear daughter). Like Sue, I hope things change in time. I'm not sure, though, if you meant to say "ex' lie" or "ex' life." Can you please clarify?

But really, this is sort of a jumping off place to other groups. Since you've been CO (cut off) be ODD, you might want to talk w/ us more in Grandparents without Grandchildren (even though I take it you still have contact w/ the other 4) or Grandparents Unplugged. :)

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3 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Hi Lori! I'm glad you like it here! Happy to have you!

Thanks for the good wishes! I hope you'll be enjoying holiday time w/ loved ones, as well.

I'm sorry about your ODD (older dear daughter). Like Sue, I hope things change in time. I'm not sure, though, if you meant to say "ex' lie" or "ex' life." Can you please clarify?

But really, this is sort of a jumping off place to other groups. Since you've been CO (cut off) be ODD, you might want to talk w/ us more in Grandparents without Grandchildren (even though I take it you still have contact w/ the other 4) or Grandparents Unplugged. :)

Hi , it is meant to say my ex lied. So sorry for the mistake. 

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7 hours ago, Mame925 said:

Welcome Lori214...happy you've found us. You will find much support, commiseration and challenging opinion...all good. Life is a learning curve.

As for the quoted....what about the concept of forgiveness? Isn't that a tenant of christian faith? The next time you are able to communicate with her, remind her that what her dad does/doesn't do shouldn't reflect on you (or her) and that you'd like the opportunity to move forward.

Hi. We’ve been divorced over 12 years. She is 33 years old.  

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7 hours ago, Mame925 said:

Welcome Lori214...happy you've found us. You will find much support, commiseration and challenging opinion...all good. Life is a learning curve.

As for the quoted....what about the concept of forgiveness? Isn't that a tenant of christian faith? The next time you are able to communicate with her, remind her that what her dad does/doesn't do shouldn't reflect on you (or her) and that you'd like the opportunity to move forward.

 

11 hours ago, SueSTx said:

Welcome Lori. 

How long have the two of you been divorced?  If not long, give her some time.  It took five years, but hubby is once again inviting daughter and her husband of 15 years back into our home.  Some peoples "hurt" just take more time to reconcile than others.

Hi. We’ve been divorced 12 years she’s 33. 

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