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RoseRed135

Welcome Newcomers 2017! And Welcome Back Returnees!

57 posts in this topic

I thought I had a lot with 9! And I'm sure all my kids are done...4 bio, 4 step & 1 by attrition...I'm good. 

Please keep in touch here if you can. The birth of a new baby is always so exciting....

Consider adding us to your "favorites" folder so you can come back easily.  

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Hello, I am a maternal grandmother with a long story that is just too long to post it all here.  I have one grandchild who is now 6 and lives far away from me and I rarely get to see her.  Her paternal grandparents live in the same town as my granddaughter so they get to see and experience all her milestones.  She is very close to them so there is a lot of jealousy on my part.  My SIL and I do not get along and the very few times I have visited my daughter and granddaughter, he makes my visit miserable.  It has been very apparent since i first met this man that he wants only his family and not my daughter's.   This makes me feel like I cannot visit them so I have stopped.  His whole family treats me and my husband like we are not welcome and when we did visit, they would not let us have alone time with my granddaughter.   They come over daily during our visit with enticing things to steer her in their direction so the visit is no longer worth it to us.  I also feel like i have lost my daughter.  Her husband will not allow me to be alone with her either.  He has to monitor all our conversations.  The only time I get to speak with her is on her way to work in the morning.  I am not allowed to call my daughter when he is at home.  She says it is easier that way.  So I have been grieving since my granddaughter was born.  I send gifts to my granddaughter and buy her things so I have become important to her because I buy her things.  But she does not really know us and I feel I will need to come to terms with it that it will always be this way.  My daughter is very sweet and has accepted this man and his family even though he has cheated on her three times.  I don't know how to deal with that aspect of it either because it is against my principles and i am now finding it more and more difficult to be around him.  I wish my daughter never told me.  So i have been upset and sad and grieving for this whole time.  And I dont know how to deal with it.  I was hoping to find some guidance.  I tried therapy but the therapist just told me to leave them all be and make a life of my own but there is such an empty feeling in my heart.  

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Posted (edited)

@Gramster58 - My heart goes out to you! It sounds as if both your SIL and his parents are very controlling - perhaps even "engulfing," as it is sometimes called.* It's totally understandable, IMO, that you're "grieving" - mourning what must seem the "lost relationship" w/ your DD (dear daughter), the relationship you feel you'll  "never have" w/ GD (granddaughter) and "the way things might have been" (quoted words are mine).

If it's any comfort, it's not unusual for GPs to feel this when when their AC (adult child/ren) and GC (grandchild/ren) move far away. Nor is it uncommon for the parent/AC relationship to change after the AC gets married. However, it does sound as if SIL and his parents try to erase your and DH's (dear husband's) presence as much as possible according to your above post and one of your posts elsewhere. I'm so deeply sorry about that.

And, of course, I know it hurts you that besides it all, SIL has cheated on DD. It's not only a serious marital problem, but, no doubt, it pains you, as a mom, to hear this. I get that DD needed to talk to someone about this, but has she considered counseling as you did?

Unfortunately, for now, at least, DD has chosen to accept this situation as is. As such, I don't see where there is anything you can do about it, as I'm sure you realize, yourself. That's probably why your therapist advised you to just go ahead "and make a life of your own." I understand that there's still "an empty feeling in your heart," though, and I think you need to work through that. Hopefully, we can help you w/ that hear. (((Hugs!)))

 

* You may want to see the thread about "engulfers" in the MIL Anonymous forum:

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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Thank you,RoseRed135 for your nice post.  I went to the forum you suggested and was enlightened.  I never knew of the term engulfing IL's.  It describes part of my situation to the "t".  

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Posted (edited)

2 hours ago, Gramster58 said:

Thank you,RoseRed135 for your nice post.  I went to the forum you suggested and was enlightened.  I never knew of the term engulfing IL's.  It describes part of my situation to the "t".  

Glad you appreciated my post, Gramster! Also, I'm not surprised that the engulfer thread was so related to your story. It definitely sounded like that from what you told us.

Meanwhile, I'm glad you keep in touch w/ GD, even if it's mostly via sending her gifts, etc. At least, that way you're keeping in contact w/ her/maintaining some kind of relationship w/ her. I see you've discovered the Grandparenting From Afar forum, and you may find other ideas there for keeping in touch that will work for you. (I realize not all of them will b/c of the sensitive circumstances.)

Anyhow, I'm glad you're checking out and posting in other groups already. And I'm glad you brought your concerns to us. Welcome! :)

Edited by RoseRed135

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Just want to add that, in time, DD may decide to leave SIL. If so, she may turn to you for solace, etc. And, if so, I trust you'll be there for her w/ open arms.... Peace...

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Hi, I am a newbie to this site but I have a one 8 year old grandson whom I adore. I relocated here to Southern California to retire 1.5 yrs ago after my mother passed away because of the cold midwest winters. I miss my grandson and he talk by phone and Facebook on a regular basis. I recently had to fly back because of a family emergency which was bittersweet. I want to see him every summer but he is too small to travel by himself. I don't really get along with my daughter- in law because my son and her have been divorced for 5 yrs now but I got to spend a couple of days with my grandson. 

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