• Announcements

    • LatoyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LatoyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
glammaray

HELP!!

31 posts in this topic

In August, i inadvertently left my phone at my DIL's house.  She, for whatever reason, went through my phone and found some negative remarks, but then she actually printed them up, took pictures of them and had my son come over with a power point presentation to show me. Since August, I have had limited access to my 2 grandkids. My granddaughter I took care of from 3 months to 4 years old. My heart is broken. they missed my b-day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, christmas and New Years. I am devastated. i wrote a letter to apologize and was met with them saying "self-serving".  I cannot get through to them how sorry I am and also that going through my phone was painful, too. Please, I need advise, as I feel like i may fall to a broken heart. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome back glamma.  So were things all well and going good until you forgot your phone that day or were there other issues going on and maybe DIL and  DS seeing the negative remarks were their last straw?  You say that your son is the one who confronted you, so you know that he is aware of what is going on. 

Many grandparents do not see their grandchildren for their birthdays and all minor holidays.  I usually see mine either for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but not both and New Years is a minor holiday like Halloween and Valentines and I only sent the grands cards for those.

I am sorry that you are broken hearted.

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
39 minutes ago, glammaray said:

In August, i inadvertently left my phone at my DIL's house.  She, for whatever reason, went through my phone and found some negative remarks, but then she actually printed them up, took pictures of them and had my son come over with a power point presentation to show me. Since August, I have had limited access to my 2 grandkids. My granddaughter I took care of from 3 months to 4 years old. My heart is broken. they missed my b-day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, christmas and New Years. I am devastated. i wrote a letter to apologize and was met with them saying "self-serving".  I cannot get through to them how sorry I am and also that going through my phone was painful, too. Please, I need advise, as I feel like i may fall to a broken heart. 

There ware two issues I see here.

One, your DIL shouldn't have gone through your phone.

Two, you were a guest in the home of someone you were speaking negatively of? Obviously to a large degree. 

Neither of you are in the right here, but there's no way in Hades I'd have someone in my home, or around my children, that slagged me off to people. The, "You shouldn't have gone through my phone!" while valid, in no way negates gossiping negatively about your DIL. You violated their home and trust by talking negatively behind their backs, while enjoying the hospitality of their home, and spending time w/their family.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i appreciate the feedback and response, although it hurt to hear.  I did not slag to people, but a mutual friend of all of ours was talking about the changes we have all seen in DIL/Son and I responded and yes, not positive for sure. I regret it. They also went into my sisters accounts that I was talking to about the issues I was having with them and I wish I had just gone to them instead of talking to others about it all. So, I need to actually apologize again? I did hurt her and I miss both of them terribly, not to mention my grandkids. Again, I was in their home and babysitting and did leave the phone behind.  they read it and went back a year to everything I had written to my 2 sisters and one of their friends, who had noticed so many changes in the two of them. 

Okay, I can admit I was wrong. What do i do now???? Do i wait until they are ready for a real forgiving?  My husband does not want me to make any moves until they do. Time is wasting. My husband was diagnosed with early onset dementia and they have not asked about him since August. It is hard for me to see him being hurt by my actions. 

thanks for speaking the truth, though the way you put my responsibility in this ,opened my eyes and struck me hard. No excuses.  I want my family back and hope that with time and prayer, God will see to it? but, i think DIL is beyond wanting to forget and forgive. Thanks for listening

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@glammaray - Good to see you though sorry it's under such unhappy circumstances!

Before I respond to your issue, just want to point out that much has changed since you were last here. For this reason, you might want to check out the following threads, if you haven't already, even though you are not a "new" member:

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, glammaray said:

i appreciate the feedback and response, although it hurt to hear.  I did not slag to people, but a mutual friend of all of ours was talking about the changes we have all seen in DIL/Son and I responded and yes, not positive for sure. I regret it. They also went into my sisters accounts that I was talking to about the issues I was having with them and I wish I had just gone to them instead of talking to others about it all. So, I need to actually apologize again? I did hurt her and I miss both of them terribly, not to mention my grandkids. Again, I was in their home and babysitting and did leave the phone behind.  they read it and went back a year to everything I had written to my 2 sisters and one of their friends, who had noticed so many changes in the two of them. 

Okay, I can admit I was wrong. What do i do now???? Do i wait until they are ready for a real forgiving?  My husband does not want me to make any moves until they do. Time is wasting. My husband was diagnosed with early onset dementia and they have not asked about him since August. It is hard for me to see him being hurt by my actions. 

thanks for speaking the truth, though the way you put my responsibility in this ,opened my eyes and struck me hard. No excuses.  I want my family back and hope that with time and prayer, God will see to it? but, i think DIL is beyond wanting to forget and forgive. Thanks for listening

Unfortunately, all you really can do is wait. I suspect that if you keep attempting to contact them, it will not go over well.

I'm not saying what they did was okay. But, they're not the ones here, you are, so focusing on what you can control, what you can change, is all that can be done, if that makes sense.

The only thing I *might* do further down the road, is to apologize again. No 'but'. No 'you going through my phone hurt me.'. Just address what you did that was wrong, and what you're going to do differently in the future. And then leave it alone.

Your DIL may well be done. That's her choice. Talking negatively about her, and then being in her home, pretending that things were okay? That's not something a lot of folks get over easily. Trust has been broken. Your son may be done as well. After all, it was his wife you were speaking of. Everyone has a breaking point, and there's no way to know (unless they've flat out told you, of course) if this is it.

You have no control over any of that. The worst thing you could do, imo, is push in any way. Issue one more, sincere apology, and let it go.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, glammaray said:

In August, i inadvertently left my phone at my DIL's house.  She, for whatever reason, went through my phone and found some negative remarks, but then she actually printed them up, took pictures of them and had my son come over with a power point presentation to show me. Since August, I have had limited access to my 2 grandkids. My granddaughter I took care of from 3 months to 4 years old. My heart is broken. they missed my b-day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, christmas and New Years. I am devastated. i wrote a letter to apologize and was met with them saying "self-serving".  I cannot get through to them how sorry I am and also that going through my phone was painful, too. Please, I need advise, as I feel like i may fall to a broken heart. 

Now to reply to your concerns. First off, my heart aches for your heart... (((Hugs!)))

Secondly, I agree that DIL was totally wrong to go through your phone. And to print up your "negative remarks" and take pix of them - I'm sorry, total violation of privacy, IMO! And, no doubt, pulled some of your comments out of context! What nerve!

Unfortunately, that doesn't change the current situation. Sounds like DS and DIL were very offended by what you said. So I can understand why, as a result, they might not be comfortable around you for a while. And, of course, if they're not comfortable w/ you, then you're not going to see their kids, either, if only b/c that would be difficult to arrange.

Actually, I think it's very normal for many people (not all) to discuss their AC & CIL w/ close relatives (such as a sister) and close friends. However, no doubt, it can be very hurtful for the topic of such discussions if they find out - something that's much easier to do, these days, w/ our current technology.

Then again, w/ boards like these, you (general) have a much better way of exploring issues w/ your family/ILs. I so wish you had come in here more often, glamma, to air your concerns, instead of recording your thoughts in your phone.... sigh...

But what's done is done and as you say, the question is what to do now. Since your attempt at apologizing wasn't well-received, you might need to give them more time to cool down (even though I know it must already seem like "eternity" to you). But perhaps they said it was "self'- serving" b/c you asked to visit/see the GC again at the same time? If so, then they might think you only apologized to get to see them. It might be worth trying another apology, at some point, this time, just saying you're sorry for talking about them to your friend and sisters.and letting them know it won't happen again. Maybe then, DIL won't be so "beyond" willing to "forgive" (she still might not 'forget" though, of course, but hopefully, forgiveness will be enough to help heal the rift).

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

your feedback is almost cathartic.  I wish I  had written to you all first instead of sister's (which I have done and vice versa about our kids for umpteen years), but still it was usually when mad or upset or was treated unfairly myself. BUT, no excuses for me. I am a grown woman and I did wrong by talking about them like that.  There were issues before, but, this was the icing on the cake. At the same time, they were having their own personal marital issues and then this on top just did not help. the part that hurts is that they have been so easy to forget about us, or put us to the side, or even stop caring. Will have to work harder on praying and waiting and being patient. It's been 6 months and maybe God has another time line in mind. Am so grateful to hear from other grandmother's and hope to return the favor someday.  Please know I appreciate any ideas or feedback, as even though it hurts, I feel protected by this forum and you all. Will keep coming back !!

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, glammaray said:

your feedback is almost cathartic.  I wish I  had written to you all first instead of sister's (which I have done and vice versa about our kids for umpteen years), but still it was usually when mad or upset or was treated unfairly myself. BUT, no excuses for me. I am a grown woman and I did wrong by talking about them like that.  There were issues before, but, this was the icing on the cake. At the same time, they were having their own personal marital issues and then this on top just did not help. the part that hurts is that they have been so easy to forget about us, or put us to the side, or even stop caring. Will have to work harder on praying and waiting and being patient. It's been 6 months and maybe God has another time line in mind. Am so grateful to hear from other grandmother's and hope to return the favor someday.  Please know I appreciate any ideas or feedback, as even though it hurts, I feel protected by this forum and you all. Will keep coming back !!

I liked this post, glamma, b/c I'm glad that you feel so good about this forum and that you'll keep coming back. Also, b/c. again, you're acknowledging your part in what happened.

But I'm sorry that you feel as if they have forgotten you and so easily. I seriously doubt that's the case. Since there have been other issues, as you say, chances are, they just feel the need for a break from the relationship. And given that they're "having their own personal marriage issues," they may feel the need to focus on that and avoid dealing w/ anything else right now.

Also, as a "nanny granny," myself, to my 2 DGC, I realize how dramatic this change must feel to you. But I'm glad you're willing to be patient. In time, I'm sure, DS will miss you or GD will ask for you, and perhaps DS & DIL will decide to reach out to you again. I hope so.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/9/2017 at 5:59 PM, glammaray said:

your feedback is almost cathartic.  I wish I  had written to you all first instead of sister's (which I have done and vice versa about our kids for umpteen years), but still it was usually when mad or upset or was treated unfairly myself. BUT, no excuses for me. I am a grown woman and I did wrong by talking about them like that.  There were issues before, but, this was the icing on the cake. At the same time, they were having their own personal marital issues and then this on top just did not help. the part that hurts is that they have been so easy to forget about us, or put us to the side, or even stop caring. Will have to work harder on praying and waiting and being patient. It's been 6 months and maybe God has another time line in mind. Am so grateful to hear from other grandmother's and hope to return the favor someday.  Please know I appreciate any ideas or feedback, as even though it hurts, I feel protected by this forum and you all. Will keep coming back !!

I liked this post, glamma, b/c I'm glad that you feel so good about this forum and that you'll keep coming back. Also, b/c. again, you're acknowledging your part in what happened.

But I'm sorry that you feel as if they have forgotten you and so easily. I seriously doubt that's the case. Since there have been other issues, as you say, chances are, they just feel the need for a break from the relationship. And given that they're "having their own personal marriage issues," they may feel the need to focus on that and avoid dealing w/ anything else right now.

Also, as a "nanny granny," myself, to my 2 DGC, I realize how dramatic this change must feel to you. But I'm glad you're willing to be patient. In time, I'm sure, DS will miss you or GD will ask for you, and perhaps DS & DIL will decide to reach out to you again. I hope so.

ETA: I now see (below) that you do still see DS and your GC and that GD keeps in touch w/ you. That's good, IMO!

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If they read what was written by you and your sisters/friend and your concerns about the changes you've all seen, and they value wisdom, learning, growing, maybe they are taking to heart what was said and self reflecting. Maybe they'll learn something and grow from this situation but need the time to do so. Maybe some of the issues you all wrote about were issues they were dealing with privately and they thought they had been keeping them private. It could have been a total shock to them to realize what was obvious to others' just not them or maybe it was a total wake up call to them and their behavior they hadn't realized. Either way, I think the conversation gave them some things they need to deal with among themselves as a couple (or family).

Did they CO your sisters and your mutual friend as well?

Edited by Cupcake55
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

CUPCAKE 55:  very good points.  they have blocked me from all social medias as well as my sisters. Nothing I wrote was malicious but true for me and for their friends. This was not intentional. it was  vent to their mutual friend and to my go-to sisters on issues of family matters.  Maybe they are reflecting. Maybe they will forgive one day.  In the meantime, the time spent with my grandkids is limited and I do feel quite erased !! been going to a psychologist who says to wait and let them recover from ALL they are going through.  am praying for patience. But, I wonder would they call me should kids need me? will they include me in any future gatherings.  I mean my husband and I as we are both feeling quite hurt and "shunned".  My husband did nothing, so for me that is also hurtful to have him hurt by not seeing the grandkids.  I am told to be grateful for the time I do have with them.  They will drop them off on their way to counseling, but, DIL stays in truck, will not wave or acknowledge. so until the pain goes away for her, this will go on and on.  We are moving after 9 years, to go to family so that my husband can have some support as he moves ahead with his health issues.  In the meantime, I cry every single day !! for the pain I caused, for the pain I am feeling as a result and pray for peace.  Thanks for responding and bringing up the point, that they are learning and growing and self-reflecting; i know i am...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
52 minutes ago, glammaray said:

CUPCAKE 55:  very good points.  they have blocked me from all social medias as well as my sisters. Nothing I wrote was malicious but true for me and for their friends. This was not intentional. it was  vent to their mutual friend and to my go-to sisters on issues of family matters.  Maybe they are reflecting. Maybe they will forgive one day.  In the meantime, the time spent with my grandkids is limited and I do feel quite erased !! been going to a psychologist who says to wait and let them recover from ALL they are going through.  am praying for patience. But, I wonder would they call me should kids need me? will they include me in any future gatherings.  I mean my husband and I as we are both feeling quite hurt and "shunned".  My husband did nothing, so for me that is also hurtful to have him hurt by not seeing the grandkids.  I am told to be grateful for the time I do have with them.  They will drop them off on their way to counseling, but, DIL stays in truck, will not wave or acknowledge. so until the pain goes away for her, this will go on and on.  We are moving after 9 years, to go to family so that my husband can have some support as he moves ahead with his health issues.  In the meantime, I cry every single day !! for the pain I caused, for the pain I am feeling as a result and pray for peace.  Thanks for responding and bringing up the point, that they are learning and growing and self-reflecting; i know i am...

One question then a little "from my perspective."  Did you actually vent about them to a friend of "theirs?"  If so frankly you are lucky this is the first they heard about it.  Venting, gossiping, complaining about people to friends and family almost always comes back to bite you.  I very strongly encourage you to stop, now.  I know you likely view your sisters as confidants but is gossiping with them more important than the relationship with your DS family?

As for them having nothing to do with you.  1st please understand there is 100% nothing you can do to change their feelings right now.  You were caught doing something wrong (albeit in a bad manner, but can't change that now...) and now you have to suck it up.  I know that is blunt, I am sure you are hurting but really that is your only option.  We have cut off most of DH FOO some did things directly (GFIL) others sadly are CO due to logistics and association (GMIL). Many people view married couples as a "pack" I am guessing that is what is happening here.  Instead of focusing on what you don't have.  (Your DIL not waving, not seeing your grandkids AS much as you want) focus on what you DO have.  The fact that they are allowing you to see the grandkids at all right now is nothing short of miraculous.  My GPILs have not seen my child in 2 years.  Focus on that, stop gossiping and give them time and space.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, TheNewNormal said:

One question then a little "from my perspective."  Did you actually vent about them to a friend of "theirs?"  If so frankly you are lucky this is the first they heard about it.  Venting, gossiping, complaining about people to friends and family almost always comes back to bite you.  I very strongly encourage you to stop, now.  I know you likely view your sisters as confidants but is gossiping with them more important than the relationship with your DS family?

As for them having nothing to do with you.  1st please understand there is 100% nothing you can do to change their feelings right now.  You were caught doing something wrong (albeit in a bad manner, but can't change that now...) and now you have to suck it up.  I know that is blunt, I am sure you are hurting but really that is your only option.  We have cut off most of DH FOO some did things directly (GFIL) others sadly are CO due to logistics and association (GMIL). Many people view married couples as a "pack" I am guessing that is what is happening here.  Instead of focusing on what you don't have.  (Your DIL not waving, not seeing your grandkids AS much as you want) focus on what you DO have.  The fact that they are allowing you to see the grandkids at all right now is nothing short of miraculous.  My GPILs have not seen my child in 2 years.  Focus on that, stop gossiping and give them time and space.

well the friend and i vented and not sure it was gossipy as opposed to concerns about changes in behavior but, yes, i can see why it was perceived as mean girl behavior.  as far as my sisters, we talk daily about and for and to our families. been rifts and conflicts and we talk, not sure that is gossip, but i do see where you are coming from and see how she might think that way. I am trying to be patient and to realize how lucky i am to see them when i do. But, you have to understand we were caring for our granddaughter for almost 4.5 years and also her brother and we were so very close. She is able to write me through texts, but her brother is too young. So, I am trying here. I really am. They are not ready for an apology and though they said they forgave me a couple of months ago, my son wrote to say that it was a "cheap forgiveness".  The majority of people I am talking to counselor, you all, my psychologist, all say WAIT and so I will, but, life is so very short and I want to apologize again, but my husband says not yet. Okay then, thanks for your feedback. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, glammaray said:

CUPCAKE 55:  very good points.  they have blocked me from all social medias as well as my sisters. Nothing I wrote was malicious but true for me and for their friends. This was not intentional. it was  vent to their mutual friend and to my go-to sisters on issues of family matters.  Maybe they are reflecting. Maybe they will forgive one day.  In the meantime, the time spent with my grandkids is limited and I do feel quite erased !! been going to a psychologist who says to wait and let them recover from ALL they are going through.  am praying for patience. But, I wonder would they call me should kids need me? will they include me in any future gatherings.  I mean my husband and I as we are both feeling quite hurt and "shunned".  My husband did nothing, so for me that is also hurtful to have him hurt by not seeing the grandkids.  I am told to be grateful for the time I do have with them.  They will drop them off on their way to counseling, but, DIL stays in truck, will not wave or acknowledge. so until the pain goes away for her, this will go on and on.  We are moving after 9 years, to go to family so that my husband can have some support as he moves ahead with his health issues.  In the meantime, I cry every single day !! for the pain I caused, for the pain I am feeling as a result and pray for peace.  Thanks for responding and bringing up the point, that they are learning and growing and self-reflecting; i know i am...

It sounds like they have plenty to deal with right now on their own-hence their own counseling and issues. I take if if DIL stays in the truck, she and your DS are going to counseling together. Give them time. Be thankful for what you do have, enjoy the time you do have with the GK because they are being generous letting you see them at all currently. Don't worry about DIL not responding to you at this point.

Sorry about DH's health issues. Just try to enjoy the time you have now, one day at a time. Don't borrow trouble as 9 years is a long time away (I know it seems time moves faster the older we get).

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You're only "crying every day for the pain you caused" YOURSELF. If you don't have a positive relationship with the kids mother you don't get a relationship with the grandchildren.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

They will drop them off on their way to counseling, but, DIL stays in truck, will not wave or acknowledge.

If they are dropping the kids off on their way to counseling...they have not cut you off.  You are on low contact or even very low contact.  I'd bide my time, keep any comments very close to my chest and be very grateful that they are bringing those kids to me at all.

Count your lucky stars.  Just because we view something as being true doesn't not give us the right to share it with others if it is hurtful.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, TheNewNormal said:

Venting, gossiping, complaining about people to friends and family almost always comes back to bite you.  I very strongly encourage you to stop, now.  I know you likely view your sisters as confidants but is gossiping with them more important than the relationship with your DS family?

Many people view married couples as a "pack" I am guessing that is what is happening here.  Instead of focusing on what you don't have.  (Your DIL not waving, not seeing your grandkids AS much as you want) focus on what you DO have.  The fact that they are allowing you to see the grandkids at all right now is nothing short of miraculous.  My GPILs have not seen my child in 2 years.  Focus on that, stop gossiping and give them time and space.

3 hours ago, glammaray said:

 In the meantime, the time spent with my grandkids is limited and I do feel quite erased !!

My husband did nothing, so for me that is also hurtful to have him hurt by not seeing the grandkids.  

I am told to be grateful for the time I do have with them.  They will drop them off on their way to counseling, but, DIL stays in truck, will not wave or acknowledge. so until the pain goes away for her, this will go on and on. 

This post is a great example of why one should never gossip to family - always causes problems. One should go to a counselor or Clergy - someone impartial and bound to secrecy. Knowing secrets is not so great, in my opinion.

The other side of knowing too much: I have a niece who confides about a lawsuit with her wretched mil, my lips are sealed, but frankly it's a burden. If my niece had anyone other than my brother and me to understand and work the details of her dilemma - I'd be so appreciative.

Your time doesn't sound limited to me, you do see your GK. Be happy with what you do have.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, SueSTx said:

Many grandparents do not see their grandchildren for their birthdays and all minor holidays.  I usually see mine either for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but not both and New Years is a minor holiday like Halloween and Valentines and I only sent the grands cards for those.

THIS ^^ Every family is different. Many people apparently don't consider many days to be family celebration dates. My family celebrates most every Saint and Church holiday, the 10 Federal holidays, Birthdays, etc. I love my crazy foo traditions but it's a bit draining. My husband considers my family a circus - very tiring, never ending. Maybe OP's AC/ACIL is trying to pull back from too much family-circus involvement.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, glammaray said:

In August, i inadvertently left my phone at my DIL's house.  She, for whatever reason, went through my phone and found some negative remarks, but then she actually printed them up, took pictures of them and had my son come over with a power point presentation to show me. Since August, I have had limited access to my 2 grandkids. My granddaughter I took care of from 3 months to 4 years old. My heart is broken. they missed my b-day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, christmas and New Years. I am devastated. i wrote a letter to apologize and was met with them saying "self-serving".  I cannot get through to them how sorry I am and also that going through my phone was painful, too. Please, I need advise, as I feel like i may fall to a broken heart. 

Did you reach out to them for any of these (or other) holidays?

Also, how often and how long are the counseling sessions?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am close with my parents, but they don't see the kids and I for Halloween and New Years.  Nor Valentines Day, Chinese New Year, Fat Tuesday, etc. 

You do need to be grateful for what you do have.  I, personally, do not leave my children in the care of anyone that I can't trust completely, much less someone I am not speaking to.  I doubt that I am unusual in that regard. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/10/2017 at 8:03 AM, glammaray said:

CUPCAKE 55:  very good points.  they have blocked me from all social medias as well as my sisters. To keep you ladies from having info about them, perhaps, for obvious reasons?  Nothing I wrote was malicious but true for me and for their friend. This was not intentional. it was  vent to their mutual friend and to my go-to sisters on issues of family matters.  According to your earlier post, you talked about how they had "changed." Perhaps they felt that was meant in a negative way. Also - wild guess - maybe they thought you were saying that DIL "changed" DS and not for the better ( I may be way off-base here)? Maybe they are reflecting. Maybe they will forgive one day.  In the meantime, the time spent with my grandkids is limited and I do feel quite erased !! been going to a psychologist who says to wait and let them recover from ALL they are going through.  am praying for patience. But, I wonder would they call me should kids need me? will they include me in any future gatherings.  I mean my husband and I as we are both feeling quite hurt and "shunned".  My husband did nothing, so for me that is also hurtful to have him hurt by not seeing the grandkids So sad. But as a PP (previous poster) pointed out, when one spouse is distanced, the other often is, too, unfortunately, due to sheer "logistics." .  I am told to be grateful for the time I do have with them.They will drop them off on their way to counseling, but, DIL stays in truck, will not wave or acknowledge. so until the pain goes away for her, this will go on and on. Again, as a nanny granny, I know this feels like a dramatic change. (((Hugs!))) But they're letting you see the kids and trusting you to babysit them, despite what's happened. This is a good thing, IMO.  We are moving after 9 years, to go to family so that my husband can have some support as he moves ahead with his health issues. Very sorry about DH's health issues. Hope they improve steadily.  In the meantime, I cry every single day !! for the pain I caused, for the pain I am feeling as a result and pray for peace.  Thanks for responding and bringing up the point, that they are learning and growing and self-reflecting; i know i am...

Thanks for the additional info, glammaray! I've made some comments on your quoted post, as well as here. as you can see.

So DS and DIL are in counseling. That suggests there are some problems in the marriage, which may be contributing to the issues w/ you (not minimizing your part in this). I see you're getting counseling, too - good! - and I think your psychologist is making a lot of sense. Clearly, DS and DIL have a lot to deal w/, themselves, before they can even begin to try to end their rift w/ you.

But, fortunately, it sounds as if it's not a total rift. It sounds as if they've decided that DIL will distance herself from you and they will cut back on time w/ you, overall. (On these boards, that second part is known as "going LC" ("lowered" or "low contact"). I know it hurts you and DH, and I so get that. You haven't been CO (cut off) entirely though, and I'm glad to see that. (If you look around these boards, you'll see that, sadly, many GPs are totally CO). Please do be patient, as you've been advised, and don't try for more time, as that may backfire, leaving you w/ less.

I'm sorry to hear about the daily crying and hope you tell your therapist about that. He/she may be able to help you find other ways to cope. More (((hugs!)))

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

P.S. @glammaray - About Halloween, etc. - Were you included in these events in the past? If so, then it's totally understandable that you miss that now. Perhaps DS and DIL feel you learned too much about them b/c you were w/ them that much (it is more than most GPs get, as PPs have said), and so, decided to exclude you... sigh... from those activities. Or maybe they just did it b/c of the lingering tensions between you and/or DIL's decision to distance herself from you (hard to do that if you're out together taking the kids trick of treating). IMO, those choices are understandable, too, even though I know they're hurtful to you and DH.

If it's any comfort, a lot of this would have changed as the kids got older, anyhow. In my own case, for example, I was always invited to join my YDD (younger dear daughter) and her kids for trick or treating while they were very little. But as they got older, began going more places and getting together w/ other friends, etc. to trick or treat, my involvement lessened. Lately, they go to my ODD's (older dear daughter's) and SIL's and T or T at the stores near their home. They just want to be a group of young adults and kids, which I get, so I'm no longer part of the picture ( and that's fine - more relaxing for me!) though I do see them in their costumes, etc. Granted, your situation changed all of a sudden and it must have been kind of a "shock."  But it probably, would have changed, in time, anyway.

ETA: As other members are pointing out, different families have different priorities regarding birthdays and holidays and not all of them see every holiday as something for extended family. But if you were generally included in the past, I can see how this would be a sudden major and painful change for you. (((Hugs!)))

Edited by RoseRed135
clarity & to add a question

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, shoppingninja said:

I am close with my parents, but they don't see the kids and I for Halloween and New Years.  Nor Valentines Day, Chinese New Year, Fat Tuesday, etc. 

You do need to be grateful for what you do have.

This ^^  Every family places their own emphasis on holidays, birthdays, and gatherings.

Some families may gather once a year for Christmas while others love the notion of once or twice a month gatherings.

We have too many family members to have Birthday parties for each person, so we do monthly Birthday gathering - usually in conjunction with a holiday. The kids are out of school Monday January 16, good weekend to ski and eat Birthday cake. Same idea in February for Valentine's Day. But my sisters, brother, husband and I are also not sending summons. If our kids show up - great, if not that's also satisfactory.

In my opinion people make too much out of what they think should happen. Be happy with what happens.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/10/2017 at 6:47 AM, Overthinker said:

You're only "crying every day for the pain you caused" YOURSELF. If you don't have a positive relationship with the kids mother you don't get a relationship with the grandchildren.

Commonly accepted truth.

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now