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glammaray

HELP!!

31 posts in this topic

8 hours ago, JanelleK said:

This ^^  Every family places their own emphasis on holidays, birthdays, and gatherings.

Some families may gather once a year for Christmas while others love the notion of once or twice a month gatherings.

We have too many family members to have Birthday parties for each person, so we do monthly Birthday gathering - usually in conjunction with a holiday. The kids are out of school Monday January 16, good weekend to ski and eat Birthday cake. Same idea in February for Valentine's Day. But my sisters, brother, husband and I are also not sending summons. If our kids show up - great, if not that's also satisfactory.

In my opinion people make too much out of what they think should happen. Be happy with what happens.

Yep.  We do celebrate the minor holidays in my house, just the 6 of us, with varying degrees of seriousness.  Chinese New Year means gyoza and stir fry for dinner, moochi for dessert, and we all wear red.  Fat Tuesday means we have jambalaya and plan 7 (6 this year, because St Patrick's day falls on Friday and our cardinal will declare a dispensation) meatless meals for Lent. 

We see my parents about once a month, not always specifically for a holiday, and not on any specific schedule.  Sometimes in my city, sometimes in theirs, and sometimes we meet halfway.  3 of us in my household have our birthdays within a 2 week periodnext month, we celebrate each individually at home, and we'll do some sort of get together with my parents over school vacation.  Bank holidays sometimes work, sometimes don't. 

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We celebrate the odd holiday here too. Chinese New Year, however, is a BIG DEAL as my SIL is 1st generation Chinese American...his family has "family dinner" for New Year, I'm often included and its been fun to learn more about the culture.

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On 1/10/2017 at 9:00 PM, RoseRed135 said:

I liked this post, glamma, b/c I'm glad that you feel so good about this forum and that you'll keep coming back. Also, b/c. again, you're acknowledging your part in what happened.

But I'm sorry that you feel as if they have forgotten you and so easily. I seriously doubt that's the case. Since there have been other issues, as you say, chances are, they just feel the need for a break from the relationship. And given that they're "having their own personal marriage issues," they may feel the need to focus on that and avoid dealing w/ anything else right now.

Also, as a "nanny granny," myself, to my 2 DGC, I realize how dramatic this change must feel to you. But I'm glad you're willing to be patient. In time, I'm sure, DS will miss you or GD will ask for you, and perhaps DS & DIL will decide to reach out to you again. I hope so.

the posts have been helpful to me as I did not cry last week after I actually faced the fact that I was also wrong. I felt wronged by the act of going through my phone, and held that up as a shield to protect myself from accepting how wrong i actually was. It was like someone held up a mirror to me and I saw the ugly truth of my actions. i did need to vent and there has been issues, but, when they showed me what i wrote, i was embarrassed for myself and them and realized that my maturity level was pretty far down there. Not sure if they can or will forgive, especially my DIL, but am ready when they are. I saw my G-kids 2 weeks ago and then I face booked them this weekend.  It is all different as we were alll so very close, but obviously not close enough to try to get through this family crisis, but maybe with more time and me facing my own responsibilities with it all, maybe there is hope. I just don't want to lose much more time with my g-kids.. I do know they are older now and all the school and activities would have made it less seeing each other, but I love them and miss them and want to patch up before we move north to take care of my husband's health issues. will be so hard to leave, gulp.  But today is the moment i am in. Thanks for listening and holding up the mirror. 

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8 hours ago, glammaray said:

the posts have been helpful to me as I did not cry last week after I actually faced the fact that I was also wrong. I felt wronged by the act of going through my phone, and held that up as a shield to protect myself from accepting how wrong i actually was. It was like someone held up a mirror to me and I saw the ugly truth of my actions. i did need to vent and there has been issues, but, when they showed me what i wrote, i was embarrassed for myself and them and realized that my maturity level was pretty far down there. Not sure if they can or will forgive, especially my DIL, but am ready when they are. I saw my G-kids 2 weeks ago and then I face booked them this weekend.  It is all different as we were alll so very close, but obviously not close enough to try to get through this family crisis, but maybe with more time and me facing my own responsibilities with it all, maybe there is hope. I just don't want to lose much more time with my g-kids.. I do know they are older now and all the school and activities would have made it less seeing each other, but I love them and miss them and want to patch up before we move north to take care of my husband's health issues. will be so hard to leave, gulp.  But today is the moment i am in. Thanks for listening and holding up the mirror. 

This is awesome feedback, glammaray! Thank you! :good:

I'm especially interested in the fact that owning your part in the problem actually helped you to stop crying/feel better. I'm no therapist, but I imagine that this is b/c it gave you a reason for the change in your relationship w/ DS and family and took away that feeling of being distanced inexplicably.

I hope they do forgive you (perhaps they have begun to already since you still get to see/contact your GC) and, happily, you now know what not to do. Maybe, in time, if they see there is no more "gossiping," the amount of visits/contact will increase. But even if not, at least, things are not likely to get worse.

So glad you found our comments helpful! You are very welcome! :)

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Glammaray, I am new here and I cannot speak from personal experience on this, as I only have one grandchild so far and I get to see her often and get along great with my daughter in law, but I can just imagine your devastation.  I can say that my mother is going through a similar situation with my sibling and his wife and kids.  My sister in law will no longer allow my mother to see their children, her grandchildren.  My mother had made a public comment, thinking she was doing a good deed for my sister in law, but it instead angered her because she  didn't want anyone to know about it.  My mom claimed she did not know that when she said it.  I have no idea what it was exactly, but that in resulted in my mother not being able to see my siblings children anymore.  She says that it has been very hard on her.  The thing with my sibling is that my sister in law is the main bread winner, so to speak.  She makes a lot more at what she does and so my mom says that is why my sibling is going along with his wife on this instead of defending my mom.  I don't know what you said about your daughter in law in those messages, but I know that she should have never been going through your private belongings and she should apologize to you for that.  Also by keeping those children away from you, they are only hurting the children and that, IMO, is bad parenting.    Sorry that you are going through this and I hope that they come to their senses soon.  :good:

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I don't know why your dil would go through your phone like that and I would be hurt too. But I can see why she would be hurt. I know if I read a bunch of negative stuff about me that my mil said to other family members, I would be very upset, hurt, and embarrassed. Those words would taint everything between the two of us. Saying you're sorry isn't going to change much but is the first step. Next is to show that you meant it with actions. The first one I would do is instead of focus on the negative aspects of your dil, I would think about the positive ones only. This will hopefully help to start to change the way you think about her. It can hopefully make subtle changes in your attitude about her. I would do this when my teenage son was being a butt lol. 

I would back off too if you are saying anything at all to them or the grand kids about the amount, or lack of, that you see  them. Nothing like "oh it's been sooo long since I last saw you."  You might think it's an innocent comment, but it would really annoy me if I was in dil shoes. Instead just say "I'm happy to see you today." But don't make it a big deal.  

Just have patience.  She is going to have to get over her anger and hurt before she can forgive you and no one knows how long if ever, that will be  

 

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