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RoseRed135

How does the coming year look for your long distance relationship?

42 posts in this topic

If you have a long distance relationship with your AC (adult child/ren) and family (or some other loved ones) are you anticipating any changes this year? Will you perhaps begin skyping, if you haven't already, or be skyping more (or less) if you have? Sending more snail mail since your GC seem to love to get cards and letters? Or, maybe, cutting back on gifts b/c... sigh... you rarely, if ever, get a "thank you?" Or... ??

Also, any chance that your loved ones may be moving back closer to you this year? Or, unfortunately, are they likely to be moving even further away? Or will you, perhaps, be relocating closer to them? Or...??

Please feel free to share your joy, pain, confusion, excitement, etc. about the anticipated changes or lack of them below...

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 My daughter and husband and two toddlers live in Alaska. We see them about one time a year. They just called me asking me to come babysit the toddlers for two weeks while they go to Israel.  I have excepted the invitation but I am worried about the kids having separation anxiety. I'm not sure I can soothe their fears.  The kids and I don't know each other.  Any tips is appreciated. 

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Welcome....and start skyping now! If you chat 5-10 minutes every night until you arrive, they will be familiar with you and excited to see you up close and personal.

However, expect separation anxiety anyway. My xDIL recently remarried. They honeymooned in Tahiti, two of the GK are in school, so her mom & I had to go to their home to run the show while they were gone. Her mom had them the first part of the week, I had them the latter half. Even though they were able to chat on skype every evening, the 4yo still wanted to know when his mom was coming home. The 6 & 9 yo did a little better, but you could tell they missed their mom. Even so, we had a great time. Keep them busy, keep to their regular routine as much as possible and find special fun things to do.

Treat it as an adventure for you all....keep us posted.

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@Tootilou - So glad you found us and shared your concerns w/ us! Welcome!

How exciting that you're going to get to spend two whole weeks w/ your faraway GC (grandchildren)! And how beautiful that they trust you to take care of them for that long! Not all parents feel that way even as regards GPs.

And kudos to you for accepting! You sound like a very brave and loving mom/MIL/GM!

I think you have very valid concerns though, as Mame has confirmed in her post above. IMO, she has given you excellent advice. Just want to add the suggestion that you make sure the parents tell you any details, such as a teddy bear that tends to comfort one of the toddlers, etc. Also, chances are, the parents will tell you about all "rules and regulations," but if not, please ask them. That, too, will help keep your GC's experience w/ you as comfortable as possible.

Have a wonderful time! :db:

Edited by RoseRed135

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The news this year is pretty good for the nearer AC and grandchildren.  They are all panning to come see us!  Hurrah!!

Now it may not be possible, because we just found out that we're moving house, and they just found out that they're expecting a wee bairn in September/October...but that they want and plan to is so far beyond cool! 

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Sorry their plans have changed, but congratulation on the new wee bairn they are expecting.

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2 hours ago, SueSTx said:

Sorry their plans have changed, but congratulation on the new wee bairn they are expecting.

Ditto!

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Hi: I feel that I've brought this up in the forum before, but can't find where, so I'll continue from here. My two grown daughters and their families moved across the world and my SIL but not the girls, has repeatedly asked me to go visit them, long term like a couple of months. It took me a couple of years to get used to the idea but finally said ok. That's when they hit me with the idea that I would be staying in a hotel, instead of in one of their homes.  I know this is "normal" and "usual" but it did take some getting used to. This marks a great change in the way we are used to being with each other.  According to what I read here on this forum, this seems quite ordinary, but this has not been our way of doing things.

 Long story short, I have accepted that this is the way it will be, but I guess never really worked out my feelings about this.  My daughter and her family still maintain a home in this region, just a couple of hours from where I live. They will be coming this summer and have given me the dates if I want to go see them. I asked them if they would like me to stay in a hotel or at their home (partly because it was a logical question, since they are going into hotel mode, and partly I admit because I wanted to emphasize how much things have changed and have them see this). Well, both SIL and DD blew up.. SIL backed off, threw DD into the fray, and she let me had it. I have been taking advantage of them all along, have high expectations, am not part of their family just a guest, you name it, she said it.

  I let things blow over for a while and then phoned her to smooth things over, thinking that if I am really the elder here, I should act like one and be understanding and forgiving.  She is still, however, very sensitive and prickly about the issue. Any time I send her an SMS or note on our social media channel, I feel that I'm walking on eggs, as if I have to watch every word I say. And yes, she has written me with "What did you mean by that remark", when I didn't mean anything. 

  I had been so looking forward to seeing her this summer after not seeing her since last fall. But now, I'm just tensing up and almost dreading the visit. If it wasn't for the grands, who have told me they are looking forward to seeing me, I would just skip seeing SIL and DD to avoid the conflict. I would love to be able to talk this out, but DD is very sensitive to anything I say and comes out swinging!

  Any suggestion for how to keep this from being a long, hot summer?

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What is the answer? Where does dd want you to stay during your summer visit?

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

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Posted (edited)

"I asked them if they would like me to stay in a hotel or at their home (partly because it was a logical question, since they are going into hotel mode, and partly I admit because I wanted to emphasize how much things have changed and have them see this). Well, both SIL and DD blew up.".

I know that a hotel isn't "the way you are used to being" with your adult children, but you need to realize that now that they are adults, they get to decide how things are going to work in their lives.  Now you are on touchy ground with your DD and your SIL it seems, so you need to realize as adults they get to call the shots for themselves and their family.  It doesn't matter "how things used to be".

Just because you feel that things have blown over doesn't mean that your they think the same.  Did you apologize for whatever they feel you did?  Can you change the way you represent your feelings about their new normal?  Because if you are holding resentment, they know it and they will not want their children to be around the tenseness that the adults are projecting.

If you are invited to visit this summer while your DD is at her summer home, you will be a guest and if their invitation did not include an overnight visit in their home, then you are not invited to stay in their home.  Maybe you are being invited for a single day visit and not two consecutive days.  You say you wanted to emphasize how things have changed and have them see it.   Do you think that they are unaware that things have changed and by emphasizing this, they will include an overnight visit in their home in their invitation?  The might feel that you are trying to manipulate them by asking this.  

If they don't mention the time they intend for you to arrive, maybe you should ask and not arrive too early.  When it is obvious the visit is over, say your goodbyes and leave.  If it is too late to drive home, then maybe get a hotel for the night and return home without going back to DDs home.

Honor your DD and SILs wishes about when you are invited and hopefully the eggs won't break and your grandchildren will witness a pleasant visit between all the adults and you will be invited again before they return to their full time home.

My son and DIL live about a hundred miles away and we make a short day visit unless invited to babysit while they have a night out, then we do spend the night at their home because neither hubby or I drive in the dark anymore and they are aware of this and accommodate us when asking for a favor.

I hope all goes well for everyone if an invitation is extended to you.

 

 

Edited by SueSTx

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Posted (edited)

A reply in this thread has been hidden because it is against guideline 5g to copy/paste material between forums in this site.

 

 

ETA:  The post as been deleted according to guideline 5 g

 

Edited by SueSTx

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Hello Sue: Thanks for the thoughtful response. Actually they blew up when I asked about going to a hotel at their summer residence because I should have "known" that was ok. I get the feeling they just keep changing the rules and boundaries with no notice, and if I'm not correctly reading their minds, they blow up at me. I have the sense that there is something deeper they are upset about with me, as if they have a certain image of me, and they are prejudging me, based on that image. 

 My other daughter, who lives in the same city far away as well, talked about the hotel visit very nicely. She was firm on  her boundaries, and talked about places I could get close by and the interesting things we could do together. This one, however, was super sensitive on the subject, using sarcasm and rudeness when discussing the issue.  For example, I told her that because there would be a hotel stay involved, I would have to rethink the dates and length of stay, to consider how comfortable I would be in a hotel. She found that insulting. In other words, I feel like it's all "dance to my tune", and not, "let's get in rhythm with each other."

  I love the grandchildren so much that I don't want to jeopardize the relationship with my DD1, but really I find her rude tirades not really the way to deal with the situation. I feel like she is taking advantage of my need/want to see the GC and so gets to talk to me any way she wants. 

  I get the principle of boundaries, but I also think there are boundaries about how people behave with each other. Or am I off base on this too?

Sigh.

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9 hours ago, grandmafromafar said:

Hi: I feel that I've brought this up in the forum before, but can't find where, so I'll continue from here. My two grown daughters and their families moved across the world and my SIL but not the girls, has repeatedly asked me to go visit them, long term like a couple of months. It took me a couple of years to get used to the idea but finally said ok. That's when they hit me with the idea that I would be staying in a hotel, instead of in one of their homes.  I know this is "normal" and "usual" but it did take some getting used to. This marks a great change in the way we are used to being with each other.  According to what I read here on this forum, this seems quite ordinary, but this has not been our way of doing things.

 Long story short, I have accepted that this is the way it will be, but I guess never really worked out my feelings about this.  My daughter and her family still maintain a home in this region, just a couple of hours from where I live. They will be coming this summer and have given me the dates if I want to go see them. I asked them if they would like me to stay in a hotel or at their home (partly because it was a logical question, since they are going into hotel mode, and partly I admit because I wanted to emphasize how much things have changed and have them see this). Well, both SIL and DD blew up.. SIL backed off, threw DD into the fray, and she let me had it. I have been taking advantage of them all along, have high expectations, am not part of their family just a guest, you name it, she said it.

IMO, it's very understandable that you asked this question since they told you that you'd have to stay in a hotel when visiting them at their regular home. Perhaps there was a tinge of sarcasm or resentment in your tone, and that's why they "blew up?" You admit - and I appreciate the honesty - that you "wanted to emphasize how much things have changed and have them see this." Maybe they picked up on this and were upset by it?

  I let things blow over for a while and then phoned her to smooth things over, thinking that if I am really the elder here, I should act like one and be understanding and forgiving.  She is still, however, very sensitive and prickly about the issue. Any time I send her an SMS or note on our social media channel, I feel that I'm walking on eggs, as if I have to watch every word I say. And yes, she has written me with "What did you mean by that remark", when I didn't mean anything. 

  I had been so looking forward to seeing her this summer after not seeing her since last fall. But now, I'm just tensing up and almost dreading the visit. If it wasn't for the grands, who have told me they are looking forward to seeing me, I would just skip seeing SIL and DD to avoid the conflict. I would love to be able to talk this out, but DD is very sensitive to anything I say and comes out swinging!

  Any suggestion for how to keep this from being a long, hot summer?

Yes. Drop the hotel issue for one thing. It looks as if DD1 and SIL have a different boundary for their summer home, on that score, than for their primary home. For whatever reason, they need you to stay in a hotel when visiting the primary one, but are ok w/ your staying w/ them at their summer place. Please accept that and let it go. Also, I suggest avoiding any sarcasm (if you've been going that route) or "hidden" messages, etc. Keep things pleasant and enjoy being w/ your GC.

 

1 hour ago, grandmafromafar said:

Hello Sue: Thanks for the thoughtful response. Actually they blew up when I asked about going to a hotel at their summer residence because I should have "known" that was ok. Why? Because you've stayed at their summer home before? IMO, they need to realize that the fact that they said "hotel" regarding your visit to their year-round residence changed the game a little. Again, I think your question was very normal under the circumstances.I get the feeling they just keep changing the rules and boundaries with no notice, and if I'm not correctly reading their minds, they blow up at me. Or they have different rules for each house (See my comment above). It may be a little unfair for them to expect you to know this, of course. I have the sense that there is something deeper they are upset about with me, as if they have a certain image of me, and they are prejudging me, based on that image. Could be. Do you feel comfortable telling us what image that would be and why they have it?

 My other daughter, who lives in the same city far away as well, talked about the hotel visit very nicely. She was firm on  her boundaries, and talked about places I could get close by and the interesting things we could do together. This one, however, was super sensitive on the subject, using sarcasm and rudeness when discussing the issue.  For example, I told her that because there would be a hotel stay involved, I would have to rethink the dates and length of stay, to consider how comfortable I would be in a hotel. She found that insulting. In other words, I feel like it's all "dance to my tune", and not, "let's get in rhythm with each other."

You may be right. But, again, IMO, a lot depends on what tone she heard in your voice. Or she may have been reading between the lines, even if erroneously. You suggested you don't know how comfortable you'd be in a hotel, but she may have heard, "I'll do it, but I really don't like this idea. As your mom, I feel I'm entitled to stay in your home. If I can't, then it may not be worth visiting you as long." (NOT saying you meant that, just that DD1 may have heard it that way.)

  I love the grandchildren so much that I don't want to jeopardize the relationship with my DD1, but really I find her rude tirades not really the way to deal with the situation. I feel like she is taking advantage of my need/want to see the GC and so gets to talk to me any way she wants. 

  I get the principle of boundaries, but I also think there are boundaries about how people behave with each other. Or am I off base on this too?

Not off-base, at all, IMO. I fully agree. But, once again, TBF, I think DD1 is reacting to what she thinks you're saying "between the lines." Regardless, very sorry about her harsh responses.

Sigh.

 

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Posted (edited)

PS. FWIW, your earlier posts that you couldn't find are in here:

 

Another way to find your previous posts is to click on your username, which will bring you to your profile page. Or you can click on your username at the top-right of the page and then "Profile."

Edited by RoseRed135

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17 hours ago, grandmafromafar said:

Hi: I feel that I've brought this up in the forum before, but can't find where, so I'll continue from here. My two grown daughters and their families moved across the world and my SIL but not the girls, has repeatedly asked me to go visit them, long term like a couple of months. It took me a couple of years to get used to the idea but finally said ok. That's when they hit me with the idea that I would be staying in a hotel, instead of in one of their homes.  I know this is "normal" and "usual" but it did take some getting used to. This marks a great change in the way we are used to being with each other.  According to what I read here on this forum, this seems quite ordinary, but this has not been our way of doing things.

 Long story short, I have accepted that this is the way it will be, but I guess never really worked out my feelings about this.  My daughter and her family still maintain a home in this region, just a couple of hours from where I live. They will be coming this summer and have given me the dates if I want to go see them. I asked them if they would like me to stay in a hotel or at their home (partly because it was a logical question, since they are going into hotel mode, and partly I admit because I wanted to emphasize how much things have changed and have them see this). Well, both SIL and DD blew up.. SIL backed off, threw DD into the fray, and she let me had it. I have been taking advantage of them all along, have high expectations, am not part of their family just a guest, you name it, she said it.

  I let things blow over for a while and then phoned her to smooth things over, thinking that if I am really the elder here, I should act like one and be understanding and forgiving.  She is still, however, very sensitive and prickly about the issue. Any time I send her an SMS or note on our social media channel, I feel that I'm walking on eggs, as if I have to watch every word I say. And yes, she has written me with "What did you mean by that remark", when I didn't mean anything. 

  I had been so looking forward to seeing her this summer after not seeing her since last fall. But now, I'm just tensing up and almost dreading the visit. If it wasn't for the grands, who have told me they are looking forward to seeing me, I would just skip seeing SIL and DD to avoid the conflict. I would love to be able to talk this out, but DD is very sensitive to anything I say and comes out swinging!

  Any suggestion for how to keep this from being a long, hot summer?

Lots of my friends and family live a couple hours away and we always just do day trips. A hotel has never even been considered when any of us make the trip either way. Could that have been part of the confusion, maybe they didn't expect you to do an overnight visit.

either way it does sound like their is some other issue going on, do you have any idea what that issue could be?

i am also confused by your statement about how this is a "great change to how you are used to be together." What did it used to look like and when was this? If you are referring to how it was when they were children it isn't really a good expectation to think that the way things were when they were minors and you were mom would continue. I hope you are referring to some other visits with them after they were adults. What is the "great change." Whey you refer to how you used to be together in that statement, I wonder if their have been any life changes...marriage ....children...or maybe relationship troubles between the adult children and you. 

Do what you can afford to do and are comfortable with and can do with a glad heart. If you are uncomfortable in a hotel they don't need to know unless they ask. It may feel like you are pressuring them.

Instead if they say here is our address if you want to visit, you can reply, great what would a good visit look like for I can do a day trip on a Saturday or if you would like a weekend. Just let me know if that works for you

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Hello dark princess. Sorry to have left out so many important details and so much context.  When I read your post I feel like an evil grandmother! Thoughtless and living in the past. Don't really think that's me.

  Some important points to know: they moved half way around the world two years from now, so stopping over on Saturday or making a day trip isn't in the cards for now. They have invited me repeatedly in the two years since they made the move to come and visit them; actually my SIL did, and DD2. Not DD1.   A bit strange I thought but figured since SIL (her DH) was making the offer it was from both of them.

  In the five years before they moved, they were living in a neighboring country.  I was a frequent visitor to their homes, always welcomed in a "grandma room" (even if it was a maid's room and I paid the rent on it to help them afford the cost of their rental). In other words, this was our grown up, not childhood pattern.  I would stay 6 weeks or so, then the room would revert to an ironing/laundry room till my next stay. They went about their business, and I with mine. I didn't sense friction. So this new rule thing is indeed new. When I finally decided to make the trip and was planning to go, the hotel idea was sprung on me as a done deal. I would have liked to have known that in the original invitation. I had been planning to stay my usual 6 weeks, but thinking of spending all time in a hotel in late Fall and early winter would not help my SADS ( winter blues). So I told DD2 that with the hotel in the picture, I needed to reconsider the dates and timing. This was insulting to her. I feel that I have a right also to make my decisions, even if I am taking her invitation, and not have my own needs seen as something manipulative I'm bringing into the picture. 

 Anyway, while I respect their viewpoints and rights, I think that good, clear communication can help, and not prejudging or always having negative assumptions. Just sayin'.  And I don't like having to take whatever behavior and verbal abuse she dishes out to me, just to keep things on an even keel so I can see the grandkids. 

  Sorry if I'm venting here. I am a person of faith, and will try to keep faith and love and forgiveness uppermost in my heart as we  move through this. Thanks for your help.

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Vent away this is the right place to do it. Sorry if i made you feel like the evil grandma that wasn't my intention.

it does sound like something has changed in their lives which made them feel like they needed to change things up. Of course they should have issued a proper invite: "we would love it if you would like to visit in jan for four weeks, unfortunately we don't have room so we can't host you like we used to so if you can come you will need to stay in a hotel. Hotel x y and z are within 2 miles." Then you can say sure sounds great, or sorry that won't work for me.

my mom never does proper invites. I get it It is very frustrating. I always get "I miss you, you should visit." But then no 'here is a good time", let's do this activity, who is paying? her, me,or we pay for ourselves.  Clear communication makes things better. But you can't force others to do it. You can only change your actions. You can say yes to an invite or no, you can tell them that a hotel is fine and you will be happy to stay for 1 week or in June not January or whatever works and then they can say great or sorry that won't work for them. And then move on. If someone you or them doesn't like it they can say no

It really does sound like something in the relationship with your daughter has changed. Any ideas???? It might help figure it out.

 

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grandmafromafar,  I do understand where you're coming from.  Our family is one that always stays overnight when visiting.  Case in point, this weekend both sos and families were visiting.  One son lives 3 hours away, the other lives 20 minutes away.  They all spent the night.  Part of the reason?  So the kids could get to bed at normal time, but adults could still visit without disturbing the kids.  Also, in the morning, it's a wonderful thing to see all the cousins playing together when they first get out of bed.  This also goes when we visit them.  Only one time was a hotel mentioned and that was when DILs family, from out of the country, were visiting.  They had priority and DS and DIL just didn't have the room for all of us.  Plans changed, so even then, no hotel.
But having said all of that, it's what works for each family.  And yes, as with DS and DIL, we have had to adapt to what works for all.  It's family dynamics and those do change.
When reading your post, something did make me wonder.  It sounds like you get along with one DD quite well, but not so much the other DD?  Could there be jealousy there, for whatever reason?  Something that just makes her not want to agree on things?  And NO, I'm not putting it all on DD, but could there possibly be something there that would cause this issue?

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Posted (edited)

Maybe it would help if you compare to something everyday and generic.

Pasta is backbone for meals in our home. My husband always hand-rolled our pasta, because his mom did. My mom bought pasta at the Italian Grocery, somebody else rolled it. I keep grocery store boxed DeCecco in the pantry and my husband's pasta in the refrigerator/freezer. My husband does not prefer boxed pasta, but, unlike his parents, he will eat it. However, he now has an electric pasta machine. He does the little hand work, after the machine flattens the dough. We don't usually have pasta MILs (more difficult) way anymore, life has changed and moved on.

Your kids have changed from the old ways and moved on, not a bad thing, in my opinion. Changes in relationships with grown AC, changes in strozzapreti. It seems to me all you need is clarity on exactly what/where/how long your DDs expect you to stay- then you can decide if that works for you.

You don't have to do anything that makes you unhappy, you get to select for yourself. 

Edited by JanelleK
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I will say that six weeks is a *very* long visit to most folks. A month and a half of a houseguest is a major disruption and undertaking, no matter how much you might love the guest. It's one thing to rearrange life for a week for a guest, but it's simply not sustainable, at all, for 6 wks at a time.

And they're in a new home. They may no longer have a spare room. The children are older now, have school, routines, extra curriculars...

I wonder if, b/c you were helping on the rent on the previous place, they felt like they didn't have the right to say no, and now they do? Perhaps frequent 6 wk visits actually *weren't* as welcome as you thought, but since you helped pay, they didn't feel like they had a say, so kept quiet?

Invitations aren't a summons. You absolutely have the right to turn down any invitations that don't work for you.

However...they also have the right not to issue another any time soon.

I will say I'm a bit confused as to how spending time in a hotel vs house would impact SAD differently. Indoors is indoors, and SAD is about lack of sunlight?

I suspect your dd is feeling manipulated. If you can't stay in her home, you won't come. I'm not saying that's what your intention is, but I could see how she'd get that message. Hopefully, the children weren't aware of the intended visit.

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1 hour ago, ImpishMom said:

 

And they're in a new home. They may no longer have a spare room. The children are older now, have school, routines, extra curriculars...

I wonder if, b/c you were helping on the rent on the previous place, they felt like they didn't have the right to say no, and now they do? Perhaps frequent 6 wk visits actually *weren't* as welcome as you thought, but since you helped pay, they didn't feel like they had a say, so kept quiet?

These ^^^ are very good points, IMO.

I suspect your dd is feeling manipulated. If you can't stay in her home, you won't come. I'm not saying that's what your intention is, but I could see how she'd get that message. Hopefully, the children weren't aware of the intended visit.

But, as far as I can see, grandma didn't say she "won't come" - she said she " would have to rethink the dates and length of stay," This sounds to me as if she wanted to consider a shorter stay, which, of course, she has the right to do and might be better for everybody, hotel or not. It also sounds like she might want to consider a different dates, maybe even a different time of year. Granted, that's a little trickier as they already gave her the time frame that they feel is good for them. 

 

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Rose, I'm saying i could see how her dd would've interpreted it that way. grandmafromafar was fine with the visit, until she was told she wouldn't be staying in their home. Her dd and SIL may have taken her respose as being, "If I don't get to stay with you, I don't want to come." since that's the only thing that's different from when she agreed to the visit, and now isn't sure.

As I said, I'm not saying that was the poster's intention, but she said that her dd thought she was being manipulative, "not have my own needs seen as something manipulative I'm bringing into the picture."  so that's where I could see that arising from.

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For your DD to fly off the handle when you mention staying (or not staying) at her place(s) tells me there are some deeper issues that need to be addressed.  It's not normal for a person to fly off the handle when basic accommodation logistics are being discussed prior to a visit.   So, that would be something for you to delve into further through some introspection or perhaps a more calm conversation with your DD to get to the root of this.  Also, a "hotel" for a 6 week stay seems so inconvenient.  Have you explored alternative accommodations that are offered on VRBO or Airbnb?  

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Hello and thanks to everyone who chimed in here with their support. Believe me, I really need it. So many questions were asked and points raised, I don't know where to start replying, One take away message I got is, be clear, be kind.  And whatever can't be brought up, shouldn't be implied or inferred either. 

  I have dropped back to a two week stay when I go visit. That way a hotel won't be too expensive or too boring.  I will be staying in a type of visitor accommodation on a college campus, which means I'll have plenty to do on my own, even if it's just strolling the campus. The food is healthy and simple and there is a common room to sit and talk with other people staying there. So, things seem to be falling into place. Not what I originally had in mind, but good. As someone above said, a bit of a heads up would have been good, "This time we're thinking..." to give me time to wrap my head around the change, but for now, it looks promising.

  Anyway, I feel comfortable with the 2 week duration and DD2 whose college graduation I will be attending is looking forward to it. Both girls are equally close  to me (or at least I think so), but each expresses it differently. I don't think DD1 would be sensitive if the caring wasn't there. But yes, there is something underlying this. I did mention something about this last year, gently, to try to clear the air, but you see when she's not in angry mode, she doesn't like to think about it and risk opening a can of worms.

She will be coming here, to her original home tomorrow. I live a few hours away and she has said they will be coming here next week. For now, it's scrub down and stock up!  

Thank you all! 

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On 6/5/2017 at 7:52 AM, grandmafromafar said:

Hello and thanks to everyone who chimed in here with their support. Believe me, I really need it. So many questions were asked and points raised, I don't know where to start replying, One take away message I got is, be clear, be kind.  And whatever can't be brought up, shouldn't be implied or inferred either. 

Glad that you appreciate our replies and that you got something out of them, as well.

  I have dropped back to a two week stay when I go visit. That way a hotel won't be too expensive or too boring.  I will be staying in a type of visitor accommodation on a college campus, which means I'll have plenty to do on my own, even if it's just strolling the campus. The food is healthy and simple and there is a common room to sit and talk with other people staying there. So, things seem to be falling into place. Not what I originally had in mind, but good. As someone above said, a bit of a heads up would have been good, "This time we're thinking..." to give me time to wrap my head around the change, but for now, it looks promising.

Yes, it does, IMO. And though DD1 was originally offended by the idea of your shortening your stay, etc., I take it she has accepted it now. Have I got that right?

  Anyway, I feel comfortable with the 2 week duration and DD2 whose college graduation I will be attending is looking forward to it. Congrats to DD2!  Both girls are equally close  to me (or at least I think so), but each expresses it differently. I don't think DD1 would be sensitive if the caring wasn't there. But yes, there is something underlying this. I did mention something about this last year, gently, to try to clear the air, but you see when she's not in angry mode, she doesn't like to think about it and risk opening a can of worms.

Sigh... This ^^^^ makes things difficult to resolve, no doubt. So very sorry.

She will be coming here, to her original home tomorrow. I live a few hours away and she has said they will be coming here next week. For now, it's scrub down and stock up!

So despite any issues, she and SIL are happy to come and see you, etc. IMO, that's a good sign. Enjoy your visit!

Thank you all! 

 

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