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RoseRed135

How does the coming year look for your long distance relationship?

35 posts in this topic

Hi: Thanks for the response. Not sure if SIL is also coming by, or if he is going to his mom's house which is in the same town. But DD1 and GKs will be coming over. They are arriving on my grandson's birthday and I offered to have a small party for him and his friends but one of the friends has already planned a party. This year's stay is considerably shorter. I guess we just have to be patient and open until they figure this long distance stuff out--when they what to visit, how long they want to visit, when and if they want me to visit them, etc.  My heart strings get tugged, though, when I hear things like, GS was happy to know he would be having his birthday with grandma this year.   I feel like somehow I am being  kept from loving them and being with them as fully and completely as both they and I want to.  Whatever.

  DD has already told me, no cooking, no gifts, just time together for coffee and breakfast. That so goes against what feels like being a grandma to me--cooking everyone's favorite things, stocking up on their favorite snacks, buying little things for them to remember me by.  I get it that when I am in her house or her town I have to play by her rules, but it seems she gets to rule what kind of grandma I get to be too. I feel sad that I'm losing to be able to make those little touches.  I plan to go ahead with some things, but on a smaller scale than I usually would and just try to "grin and bear it".  And also trying not to retreat into a tub of ice cream to get over the sadness. Been there, done that; doesn't help.

Thanks again 

Grandmafromafar 

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14 hours ago, grandmafromafar said:

Hi: Thanks for the response. Not sure if SIL is also coming by, or if he is going to his mom's house which is in the same town. But DD1 and GKs will be coming over. They are arriving on my grandson's birthday and I offered to have a small party for him and his friends but one of the friends has already planned a party. This year's stay is considerably shorter. I guess we just have to be patient and open until they figure this long distance stuff out--when they what to visit, how long they want to visit, when and if they want me to visit them, etc.  My heart strings get tugged, though, when I hear things like, GS was happy to know he would be having his birthday with grandma this year.   I feel like somehow I am being  kept from loving them and being with them as fully and completely as both they and I want to.  Whatever.

  DD has already told me, no cooking, no gifts, just time together for coffee and breakfast. That so goes against what feels like being a grandma to me--cooking everyone's favorite things, stocking up on their favorite snacks, buying little things for them to remember me by.  I get it that when I am in her house or her town I have to play by her rules, but it seems she gets to rule what kind of grandma I get to be too. I feel sad that I'm losing to be able to make those little touches.

Hmmm... Overall, it seems to me that in your own home you should be able to do what you want, as far as something like cooking is concerned. TBF, perhaps DD is trying to save you the trouble, but a part of me is thinking that should be your choice. However, another part of me is thinking that, maybe, DD is only planning a short visit and wants more time for all of you to spend together. If that's the case, IMO, it's very sweet.

As far as gifts are concerned, again, it may be about time - she might want your GKs to have time interacting w/ you, rather than opening gifts. Then again, she may just be worried about their focusing too much on "things." I get that this is frustrating for you, but whatever her reasons, I would trust her judgment regarding her kids.

I plan to go ahead with some things, but on a smaller scale than I usually would and just try to "grin and bear it".

Not sure what this ^^^^ means. What would you do "on a smaller scale" that would, perhaps, satisfy both you and DD?

  And also trying not to retreat into a tub of ice cream to get over the sadness. Been there, done that; doesn't help.

No, it doesn't, I agree. :) Also, hopefully, just the visit w/ DD and the kids will wipe away some of your sadness over not getting to be the kind of GM you'd like to be.

Thanks again 

You're very welcome.

Grandmafromafar 

 

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so here is our  update. DD1 and family arrive tomorrow morning  (yikes, so excited after not seeing them for nearly 9 months!). Tomorrow is DGS's birthday. DD1 has already informed me that the "real" party will be held at her friend's home, with her friend's kids, friend's sister and her kids, as the invited guests.. This was first announced as scheduled for suppertime, but has moved up to lunch. So, they will drop in here for a couple of hours, then off to the BFF's home for lunch, supper, and sleepover. So be it.  On my part, I've stocked up on breakfast favorites, sweet and savory, and will just make everything available and they  can  choose. I did order a birthday cake with DGS's name on it, and have small presents on hand for all ages. (I keep telling myself--think you are a bed and breakfast!) Getting the "right" mindset (read congruent with DD's view) is helping me to avoid expectations and I hope, to avoid hurt feelings.  I have things planned as back up activities for the week for myself, should she choose not to spend the time with me.  So, let the good times roll!

P.S. Thanks for the support and hand holding!

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52 minutes ago, grandmafromafar said:

so here is our  update. DD1 and family arrive tomorrow morning  (yikes, so excited after not seeing them for nearly 9 months!). Tomorrow is DGS's birthday. DD1 has already informed me that the "real" party will be held at her friend's home, with her friend's kids, friend's sister and her kids, as the invited guests.. This was first announced as scheduled for suppertime, but has moved up to lunch. So, they will drop in here for a couple of hours, then off to the BFF's home for lunch, supper, and sleepover. So be it.  On my part, I've stocked up on breakfast favorites, sweet and savory, and will just make everything available and they  can  choose. I did order a birthday cake with DGS's name on it, and have small presents on hand for all ages. (I keep telling myself--think you are a bed and breakfast!) Getting the "right" mindset (read congruent with DD's view) is helping me to avoid expectations and I hope, to avoid hurt feelings.  I have things planned as back up activities for the week for myself, should she choose not to spend the time with me.  So, let the good times roll!

P.S. Thanks for the support and hand holding!

Hang on a sec.

They're having a birthday party at lunch, and you got a cake for breakfast?

Oh dear.

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Judge much? Yeah, I know. Everything I do as a grandmother is wrong, wrong, wrong. No problem with judgement.

 In case you wanted to know how we got to cake for breakfast (which sounds good to me actually!)-- I was hoping to invite her friends and their kids, and also DD1's older stepsister and her kid for an early supper and party. That got vetoed. BFF was going to do the party at her place, no family invited. OK, I figured I would have a small cake with lunch, just to show the DGS that his grandmother did remember his birthday. (He has been saying, all the way from across the ocean, "I'm so glad I'm having my birthday with grandma this year." So I don't think moms get to veto the grandson/grandmother attraction). Anywhoo, ordered and paid a deposit on the cake last night, and was informed that the party at the BFFshad been bumped up to lunch, so I get breakfast. Only.

  Actually, I'm thinking of this as a breakfast buffet. They are coming by train and will likely not have had anything to eat from early the night before. So I have milk and favorite cereals, a selection of cheeses, fancy bread,  bread for french toast should anyone want, jellies, fresh peaches, a variety of coffee and tea, and yes, a cake. "Oh dear"? Yeah, oh dear. I think I"m making the best of the situation, but again others are free to judge as they will.

 And I do want my gks to know that they have a grandmother who welcomes them with open arms and doesn't overlook their special days. 

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Posted (edited)

3 hours ago, grandmafromafar said:

Judge much? Yeah, I know. Everything I do as a grandmother is wrong, wrong, wrong. No problem with judgement.

I'm sorry if you feel "judged," grandmafromafar. But I don't see where Imp said "everything" you do as a GM is "wrong." She just questioned presenting DD and family w/ a cake when DGS is going to have a birthday party elsewhere later in the day.

 In case you wanted to know how we got to cake for breakfast (which sounds good to me actually!)-- I was hoping to invite her friends and their kids, and also DD1's older stepsister and her kid for an early supper and party. That got vetoed. BFF was going to do the party at her place, no family invited. OK, I figured I would have a small cake with lunch, just to show the DGS that his grandmother did remember his birthday. (He has been saying, all the way from across the ocean, "I'm so glad I'm having my birthday with grandma this year." So I don't think moms get to veto the grandson/grandmother attraction). Anywhoo, ordered and paid a deposit on the cake last night, and was informed that the party at the BFFshad been bumped up to lunch, so I get breakfast. Only.

I get everything you're saying here ^^^.  While I agree that DD shouldn't try to "veto grandson/grandmother attraction," she might be concerned that having cake in the morning will take the edge off his bday party later or just result in "too much sugar" for the day or whatever. As such, she may veto having  the kids having any cake. So perhaps it would be a good idea to be prepared to save it for another day/invite them to come over another day to enjoy it if that's possible (if she says "no" to it tomorrow, that is). ... Just a thought...

  Actually, I'm thinking of this as a breakfast buffet. They are coming by train and will likely not have had anything to eat from early the night before. So I have milk and favorite cereals, a selection of cheeses, fancy bread,  bread for french toast should anyone want, jellies, fresh peaches, a variety of coffee and tea, and yes, a cake. Definitely sounds delicious, refreshing and very tempting!  "Oh dear"? Yeah, oh dear. I think I"m making the best of the situation, but again others are free to judge as they will.

 And I do want my gks to know that they have a grandmother who welcomes them with open arms and doesn't overlook their special days. 

I hear you! And they will definitely know this, even if you have to postpone the cake (maybe you won't have to, just saying "if").

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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1 hour ago, grandmafromafar said:

Judge much? Yeah, I know. Everything I do as a grandmother is wrong, wrong, wrong. No problem with judgement.

 In case you wanted to know how we got to cake for breakfast (which sounds good to me actually!)-- I was hoping to invite her friends and their kids, and also DD1's older stepsister and her kid for an early supper and party. That got vetoed. BFF was going to do the party at her place, no family invited. OK, I figured I would have a small cake with lunch, just to show the DGS that his grandmother did remember his birthday. (He has been saying, all the way from across the ocean, "I'm so glad I'm having my birthday with grandma this year." So I don't think moms get to veto the grandson/grandmother attraction). Anywhoo, ordered and paid a deposit on the cake last night, and was informed that the party at the BFFshad been bumped up to lunch, so I get breakfast. Only.

  Actually, I'm thinking of this as a breakfast buffet. They are coming by train and will likely not have had anything to eat from early the night before. So I have milk and favorite cereals, a selection of cheeses, fancy bread,  bread for french toast should anyone want, jellies, fresh peaches, a variety of coffee and tea, and yes, a cake. "Oh dear"? Yeah, oh dear. I think I"m making the best of the situation, but again others are free to judge as they will.

 And I do want my gks to know that they have a grandmother who welcomes them with open arms and doesn't overlook their special days. 

While I can see 2 sides, sympathize with you somewhat, now, right after a fuss, is the wrong time to push limits.

You could have a perfectly fine time with the food items arranged nicely, on a platter or whatnot, with candles at the ready, ask DD if candles are OK and insert/light. Voila - Birthday.

Example: my brother is 10 years younger than me and the epitome of the very coolest Uncle ever (now that he's grown up he's a very cool brother). However, when our boys were 11, 12, and 14 - my husband and I laid down some fairly strict rules about who/what our sons would be around/be doing. We said the boys couldn't be around nasty swearing, excess treat foods, too much time with his over endowed less than well covered sparkly gals, etc etc (you get it). Had he pushed back and said "F is not excessive nasty swearing, or who says 3 steaks a day is too many, or my women are clothed - who are you to say pasties don't cover boobs" - then he would've been banned. He never pushed it, because he's smart and saw that we were in charge not him. He had everything to lose, we didn't. Frankly, if he pushed and didn't mind our rules using fake exceptions - he would have never seen the boys until they were away in college, if then.

Just ask first, about the cake, about the candles. Follow your DDs explicit directions about her child. There does not have to be a Birthday cake to sing Happy Birthday on their special day. Look long range.

 

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On 6/8/2017 at 1:34 PM, grandmafromafar said:

 DD has already told me, no cooking, no gifts, just time together for coffee and breakfast.

 Thursday.  ^^

6 hours ago, grandmafromafar said:

 ordered and paid a deposit on the cake last night, and was informed that the party at the BFFshad been bumped up to lunch, so I get breakfast. Only.

 Monday. ^^     ???????????

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

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On 2017-06-12 at 3:17 PM, grandmafromafar said:

Judge much? Yeah, I know. Everything I do as a grandmother is wrong, wrong, wrong. No problem with judgement.

 In case you wanted to know how we got to cake for breakfast (which sounds good to me actually!)-- I was hoping to invite her friends and their kids, and also DD1's older stepsister and her kid for an early supper and party. That got vetoed. BFF was going to do the party at her place, no family invited. OK, I figured I would have a small cake with lunch, just to show the DGS that his grandmother did remember his birthday. (He has been saying, all the way from across the ocean, "I'm so glad I'm having my birthday with grandma this year." So I don't think moms get to veto the grandson/grandmother attraction). Anywhoo, ordered and paid a deposit on the cake last night, and was informed that the party at the BFFshad been bumped up to lunch, so I get breakfast. Only.

  Actually, I'm thinking of this as a breakfast buffet. They are coming by train and will likely not have had anything to eat from early the night before. So I have milk and favorite cereals, a selection of cheeses, fancy bread,  bread for french toast should anyone want, jellies, fresh peaches, a variety of coffee and tea, and yes, a cake. "Oh dear"? Yeah, oh dear. I think I"m making the best of the situation, but again others are free to judge as they will.

 And I do want my gks to know that they have a grandmother who welcomes them with open arms and doesn't overlook their special days. 

Actually, I have 0 clue if 'everything I do as a grandmother is wrong, wrong, wrong.'

I hope, for your sake, that things went well.

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Hi: Thanks for getting back to me. The visit here in my home is over. Phew! No major outbursts or upsets.

  I am soooo happy i went through with the cake and mini-birthday party.  My grandson loved it! As they were travelling that morning, he had said to his mom, "If you didn't remember my birthday this year, that's ok". So imagine his surprise and delight when he came into my apt and found his soccer ball shaped cake and a shiny golden crown to wear as the birthday boy (of course his younger sister got a crown too, saying "birthday princess"; she considers herself a princess on all occasions!)

 Actually the whole family felt touched by the cake and gifts. Love speaks louder than words. They had also brought me some lovely presents including oodles of yarn as they know I love to crochet.  Each of the kids and their mom had chosen a particular type and color. Can't wait to get started on a new baby blanket for a newbie my son is expecting in the Fall!

  As for personal interactions, I did have that "walking on eggs" feeling. Have you seen the movie--Parental Guidance--with Billy Crystal and Bette Midler? If so, you kind of get the picture. My daughter took the kids out almost every day, to play dates with some of her friends and their kids. They went out so much I did get the feeling that she didn't want us all to be around, but I think in general her kids are used to doing things and going places and even though I had bought a bunch of engaging toys for them, they're not used to staying in an apt all day.  I think DD was tired out a bit from dragging the kids around all the time, but then that's par for the course for her, a real soccer mom. 

  The highlight was that my oldest grandson, starting university this Fall, had his own schedule, and spent some days and evenings here when his mom and the kids were out.  He loves to cook and also to eat new and experimental things (I am an "experimental" cook--take what you have, throw it together in a new way, put some interesting spices on it, and call it something new!).  He also made a meal one day that was out of this world. The salad was shaved zucchini, tiny grapes, and soft and gushy white beans, dressed with garlic, balsamic and VOO.  I can still remember the experience when I first tasted it!  He has gone to cooking classes since he was a little boy and really expresses himself through his cooking.  

  Now, the next stage is that I am scheduled to go to see her for a visit, in a town here where she has  a home, before she left for Canada.  The plan is for me to go for two weeks. As she seemed so stiff when she was here, I was thinking to sort of shave off a few days from the beginning and end of the visit to avoid awkwardness. But she called once she got there and seemed very upbeat and already scouting out shopping and swimming experiences for us while I'm there. So...I will wait and see in terms of how long I will really stay there. I have a friend in that city and may take an overnight at her home if I feel that it's necessary.

  So, that's my update. My instincts on the birthday cake and party were spot on, and I feel validated by that. Also, we had cake for breakfast for over a week! And that can't be bad! :)

Thanks so much for asking. 

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