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RoseRed135

Speaking of Love Languages 5 - Physical Touch

5 posts in this topic

.. Continuing the conversation about love languages...

Chapman's 5th LL is Physical Touch - not just/necessarily the sexual kind, but also the warm hug, touch of a hand, etc. No doubt, sometimes, just like w/ a picture, a touch "is worth a thousand words."

But what happens if, for example, your (general) spouse's/SO's main LL (if there is such a thing) is PT and you're not a touchy-feely person. Or vice versa? Or what if it's , say, MIL or your sister who's a "hugger" and you're not or V.V? What are the best ways, in your opinion, to handle this situation? Does it depend upon the general nature of the relationship, to some degree, as suggested in the conversations about other LLs?

Edited by RoseRed135

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18 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Or what if it's, say, MIL or your sister who's a "hugger" and you're not

What are the best ways, in your opinion, to handle this situation?

I think most all physical touch is intimate, not necessarily sexual, but intimate because participants are in anothers space in one way or another. Emotional intimacy is absolutely necessary for physical intimacy. Thus, imo, any and all intimacies are important.
 
My husband and I are touch people (with those who we love) - he's Italian, of course he loves touch. I adore my feet massaged and legs lotioned - at night. He likes his back rubbed, hair and arms petted - any time. When we are with each other we're typically touching (in each others space). We generally sit right next to each other, we sleep all wrapped on each other, we hold hands, we're in contact. Holding hands is seriously underrated.
 
We're also words of affirmation oriented, I think our "languages" fit well together.
 
But, my husband only touches or allows touches from me and our kids. I branch out a little bit further and include my family: my sisters, nieces, nephews, my brother, sisIL and her fabulous parents.
 
When I don't want to be touched (hugged) I just move back a step or two, typically works very well.

My husband freezes-stiffens, looks horrified, quietly says "no thanks" and 99% of the time he's left alone.

Almost everyone is smart enough to sense how others feels on this topic (my crazy family does).

ETA: My husband, our sons, and my brother have a favorite song. They'd likely say the answer to the overall LL questions are embedded in the lyrics.  https://video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?fr=yhs-mozilla-002&hsimp=yhs-002&hspart=mozilla&p=there%27s+a+girl#id=2&vid=e22a1ed4b260b1a08a6a3971018e4fee&action=view 

Trisha Yearwood has an equally compelling song.  http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/trishayearwood/shesinlovewiththeboy.html

 

 

 

Edited by JanelleK
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I am somewhat "touch phobic"...something many people don't understand. And it certainly isn't a black & white issue. I am very picky about who gets to violate my space. DH was thrilled that he was always "allowed". We always held hands, which I find remarkably intimate.

The three things I miss most about him now are holding hands, kissing and talking...we talked about everything. Our personal intimacy was palpable and was frequently commented on. Whenever he was in hospital, I usually took off my shoes and put my feet under the covers tucked under his leg....made the nursing staff laugh. We liked the connection.

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I'm not a touchy-feely person and very much like my personal space.  However, I've grown comfortable with physical touch with folks I've had a long and positive relationship with.   If a relationship is filled with turmoil and grief, I'm a whole lot less comfortable touching or being touched by that individual.  So yes, it depends on the relationship.

There's another language that comes into play that I've recently done quite a bit of reading on...body language.  If someone is crossing their arms, offering their hand for a handshake or moving away, then it's likely they don't want to be hugged.  The more someone wanting to hug me respects my boundaries, the more likely I'l eventually trust them enough to give them a hug one day, if they so desire.  

 

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I am not the hugest fan of touch. I kind of have an inner circle of people that I am ok with but if you are not in that circle, I literally feel like jumping out of my skin when touched. I am getting slightly better with quick hugs, but that is relatively recent. I also can get "overloaded" with touch and need to take a break. 

The one person that I can handle lots of physical touch from is DH. I typically don't feel drained by it unless it's just been a bad day. DH likes touch, so I think it helps our relationship that I do well with his touch. The next is my children, I love hugs and closeness to them. Every so often I can get really overwhelmed with their need for touch and I ask them for space or I have to put my 1 year old down from nursing because I get overwhelmed. I don't like people touching my face and collar bone/neck area. My youngest likes to use his hand to pat me in that area and I literally want to jump out of my skin sometimes. I suspect I might have mild sensory issues. I try to just hold his little hand. I don't mind our best friends giving me hugs before we leave somewhere. And I don't mind my best friend in my personal space. But I have a huge amount of trust with them. 

No one in my family touches each other. We just are not wired in that way. I think this also plays into my lack of need with touch. This also causes issues with my ILs as I think they judge this as a bad thing. 

 

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