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RoseRed135

When did you first know you were going to have trouble w/ MIL/DIL/whoever?

34 posts in this topic

Really, the red flags were there while DH and I were dating, I just thought they were weird people because I wasn't used to them yet and even if we married, surely we wouldn't see them more than when we were dating. Right? RIGHT?! (LOL, so naive.)

I now know there were several clues:

We would only see them at their house, never in a restaurant. Always on their turf, so MIL could cook her crappy food and over feed us. Then, DH would either sit on the couch with FIL, zoning out in front of the TV, leaving me to entertain MIL's one-sided monologues. If she ever asked me a question, she'd interrupt my answer and turn the spotlight back on herself. She'd talk about weird stuff, once talking about how FIL could cheat on her, but she would never know. Asking me how rich my parents were. Talking about people I didn't know. If DH wasn't sitting on his butt, ignoring his DM, he was doing a ton of chores around their house because MIL would give him a list of what she wanted done. Yes, FIL was perfectly able to do the things on the list.

There were hundreds of paper cuts along the way in those first years (MIL demanding every holiday, calling all the time and sometimes hanging up on me, complaining to DH about me), but the thing that made me realize there was some SERIOUS dysfunction was the cockroach infestation. DH tried to act like it wasn't a big deal, FIL and MIL just talked about the "bugs," insisted FIL was taking care of it (it had gotten to the point he wasn't qualified to deal with it) and SILs pretended they were just "old school," and "old school" people didn't mind a few "bugs." It was awful to realize the magnitude of crap I'd married into. The roaches were PTSD-inducing enough, but being made out to be crazy for thinking it was all wrong? Well, that was a special brand of hell.

Thank god for forums like this that can help DILs separate the crazy from the real, and can give them the means and fortitude to fix what they can.

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I know the only see them on their turf, we could never be together on holiday's because we no longer fit, while she busied herself in the basement doing laundry, never sat in a room for more then 10 minutes at a time. Calling to invite them down always turned in to why don't you come here which turned in to self inviting. We are on our way from now out of state to come home for a visit but first we want to borrow your camper and oh by the way can you deliver it to the camp ground so we can camp with friends first? Nope not my mil and not something I'd do to my mil. 

 

I don't know who's idea it was on the camp ground I would have never dreamed of expecting my dh to ask that of his parents, and if it was my dh's idea I would have been very upset with him for even thinking of doing that to his family. 

Edited by JustaGrandma

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1 hour ago, JustaGrandma said:

I know the only see them on their turf, we could never be together on holiday's because we no longer fit, while she busied herself in the basement doing laundry, never sat in a room for more then 10 minutes at a time. Calling to invite them down always turned in to why don't you come here which turned in to self inviting. We are on our way from now out of state to come home for a visit but first we want to borrow your camper and oh by the way can you deliver it to the camp ground so we can camp with friends first? Nope not my mil and not something I'd do to my mil. 

 

I don't know who's idea it was on the camp ground I would have never dreamed of expecting my dh to ask that of his parents, and if it was my dh's idea I would have been very upset with him for even thinking of doing that to his family. 

A few questions, b/c keeping track of everyone's history is something I haven't managed to do, but I think I remember a bit of this.

Why would you care if she only spent 10 mins with you? You don't like the woman. I would think that her leaving, so that you could spend time w/your ds and any gc would be a good thing, not a bad thing?

Wasn't it your ds that said, "Why don't you come here?" and wasn't there a situation where you wondered if he'd talked to his wife about it? (I may have you confused w/someone else). I thought there was a bit of confusion as to if your ds had told his wife that he'd invited you, or if he'd told her you'd invited yourself?

To the bolded: It seems as though you see your DIL is to blame, regardless of who's idea it was. If it was your ds', she's to blame for not being very upset w/him for it/preventing him from asking.

Ftr, the idea of asking to borrow someone's vehicle is baffling to me, let alone a freaking RV.

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On ‎2‎/‎15‎/‎2017 at 10:17 AM, LilMommy said:

Thanks, BSW.  I agree, manners could solve so many problems.  The issue, IMHO, is, with ILs like yours and mine, is they know all about good manners.  That is, in the kind they believe should be extended to them.  They really seem to lack empathy for the folks they don't treat with good manners.

I'm well aware of my responsibility in allowing all this stuff to continue for so long.  If I had just stuck the turkey back in the refrigerator and said "Okie Dokey. PBJ for Thanksgiving, it is!!!", I doubt it would have continued for as long as it did.  My boundaries are less flexible these days.

The funniest thing is, the only Txgiving I didn't host was two years later, at my mother's house, when my mom invited my PILs, as well.  On the way home, my MIL commented that she didn't like my mother's stuffing, that mine was much better.  I couldn't even appreciate the compliment, if that's indeed what it was.  I use my mother's stuffing recipe.  :crazy: 

It's funny when you look back how at how easy it was to solve some of this stuff just by saying Nope, not gonna do this.  I wish I would have done that way earlier than I finally did. 

My MIL and FIL did not host anyone, so DH and I weren't the only one they did not reciprocate hospitality to.  I was probably the only one that was annoyed by it however, because I did not enjoy their company and to be honest don't enjoy hosting people in my home.  It's a lot of work, and after a long week, the last thing I want to do on the weekend is clean and cook for people other than my kids/DH.  I'd much prefer to meet up at a restaurant or at a park for a picnic, etc.  However, at a restaurant with my IL's, DH would be expected to pay, and he felt obligated and that was annoying as well.  Why did it always fall on DH to pay?  I just never understood that one.  There was also no cultural norm in place either.  So, restaurants were out unless it was my IL's bday, then DH or sometimes me/the kids would take them out.  Then what would happen is my MIL would want to invite her sister and her niece to the bday dinner (that DH and I were paying for), and would whine to DH until he agreed, making the night even more unenjoyable (and costly).  I remember one time that MIL wanted to invite her sister and her niece to a FIL's bday dinner out that DH and I were paying for to reciprocate back to her sister and her niece, because they took FIL and MIL out the week before for his bday.  OMG so boorish!   The entitlement ran thick in that lady's head.

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I knew almost from the time my second husband and I started dating that his mother was nuts. When she found out I was a divorced mother of two children she started blowing up my phone every day, even though she knew I worked night shift.  She would leave long hysterical crying messages on my machine. She referred to her son as "a little boy". He was 25. She told me that she was going to call the hospital where I worked and tell them I was impersonating a nurse because they would never let someone like me be nurse  (whatever that meant). She then rallied the troops , her two oldest  (life long) bachelor sons to talk sense into their brother. I wasn't "up to their standards" and "looking for a meal ticket " is what I remember them saying. We went to the court house and got married six months after we met. DxH told his mother face to face that we married. She threw herself on the floor crying hysterically, he had to pry her arms off his leg to leave. I met my MIL for the first time three months later. Our marriage lasted 7 years and we have 2 children together. DxH don't just love his children,  he adores them. It's a shame that his mother damaged him so.

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21 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

A few questions, b/c keeping track of everyone's history is something I haven't managed to do, but I think I remember a bit of this.

Why would you care if she only spent 10 mins with you? You don't like the woman. I would think that her leaving, so that you could spend time w/your ds and any gc would be a good thing, not a bad thing? for years I didn't see this as anything but she's busy, she's the one that always slept threw visits before baby after baby she did stay awake but would just pop in to the room for a few minutes at a time while she did laundry cleaned bedrooms what ever to keep herself busy. This went on for years and years took me coming to this forum to finally get it she don't want to spend any time with me. 

Wasn't it your ds that said, "Why don't you come here?" and wasn't there a situation where you wondered if he'd talked to his wife about it? (I may have you confused w/someone else). I thought there was a bit of confusion as to if your ds had told his wife that he'd invited you, or if he'd told her you'd invited yourself?He would always say let me talk to the wife and get back to you, and the get back to us was why don't you come here instead. Could be he was lying and throwing her under the bus.  

To the bolded: It seems as though you see your DIL is to blame, regardless of who's idea it was. If it was your ds', she's to blame for not being very upset w/him for it/preventing him from asking. Well other than they wanted to meet up with her best friend to camp they ended up renting a cabin, 

Ftr, the idea of asking to borrow someone's vehicle is baffling to me, let alone a freaking RV. 

 

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I wouldn't blame the DIL for your ds asking about the RV. God knows there are times when my husband insists on doing something, I think it's a bad idea, but finally throw up my hands and say, "Whatever!"

Or I find out *after* the fact that he's done something I disagree w/.

I'm married to him, but I don't control him any more than he does me. Neither of us gets blame or credit for the other.

It could be that he insisted on asking you, she disagreed, and when he was told no, went ahead and booked the cabin as she'd wanted to do in the first place. Since she wasn't involved in asking you, I'd let your ds own that one.

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That would be the first time I met x-mil. Moogi said I looked like a hooker because I was wearing red. (actual hookers do not wear baggy red tshirts, jeans and rebok high tops the last I knew but ok.

Or the time she called 3 weeks before I married her son and asked if she, xFil, xduh etc (total of 9 ppl) could stay at my parents house the week of the wedding so they could save on hotels. My reply, no, there won't be room. She said "can we move the wedding up here then, so we don't have to drive and pay for a hotel? That's going to be so hard on the grandparents."

I told her that if my 80 year old grandmother could make it less than a month after emergency brain surgery, they'd be fine.

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The first red flag that I remember (I didn't know it was a red flag at the time!) was about a year after I met DH. We were planing our wedding, and the ceremony was in their yard. We had decided to do photos elsewhere, and MIL told DH that she wanted us to have them taken in her yard. When DH held firm, she got angry, hung up on him and refused to take his calls. He sent her flowers, and she forgave him. Meanwhile, SIL (whose DDs were flower girls) asked that we do photos with her kids in ILs yard, so that her DDs (toddlers at the time) did not have to be carted around unnecessarily. It seemed like a reasonable request, so we agreed to a few photos at ILs to accommodate SILs LOs. Naively I thought the two requests were unrelated. 

The first eye opener for me was when I agreed to let MIL take ODS (2 yrs) to parent and tot gymnastics classes. She pushed, and then I did not know how to say no, even though I wasn't comfortable with her taking him. She picked him up for the first class and said she wasn't sure how long the class was. I guess this was here way of avoiding a curfew, because she didn't bring him home until 3 hours later! No phone call, she had no cell phone and turns out the class was 45 minutes. She had taken him to out for tea with another mom and LO she'd met and then out do her grocery shopping. I was so angry, but again, not assertive enough to tell her. So the next week, I asked that she bring him home right after class, and that she was welcome to come in and continue her visit with DS here. She got angry and agitated and demanded I explain why she couldn't keep him out longer. I tried to explain myself (big mistake) and she kept repeating that she couldn't understand, and kept arguing, saying things like she would "just" take him to the park for a short time, they could "just go on the swings", or she would "just" take him for a play date with her new mom fried etc., and then come home. When I stuck to my guns, she turned into a victim and told me she feels like she can't do anything right in my eyes. The whole interaction was so confrontational that I called my DH at work crying when she left. I'm not much of a cryer but it shook me a bit - I never expected her to go off on me for asking her to bring my kid home at a certain time. She tried a few more times in the following weeks to extend her outing with DS, and I maintained that she was welcome to visit at our house after class. Well, she never did. She would deliver DS to my on my doorstep and leave without hardly saying two words. 

Needless to say, I was so glad when the gymnastics classes were over, and this marked the beginning of the end of MILs outings with my LOs.

 

 

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