• Announcements

    • LatoyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LatoyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
noomanann

Standing up for my priorities

9 posts in this topic

Hi, I also have my own issues  and care for my daughter 19 with Aspergers and social anxiety. Its my job to try and see where she will go in her future and get her to therapies and coach her to some independence.

My daughter started a part time creative writing course and we report to a disability employment service once each 2 weeks, to keep being active and check in to see with them if any employer would give her a chance at some hours of employment  and centrelink would otherwise cancel her pension .I drive my daughter to all her appointments, so I am relatively quiete busy, we live rural so getting her on public transports a no. So I'm with her on her appointments. We are now seeing how the NDIS will help. My daughter is my priority.

 I suffer from reacting huge to stress others deem normal. I also have low self esteem from a toxic childhood. I'm also nanna to 2 children , one of them is a baby. This family is on one wage and the mum likes to spend money. Son's partner has been offered a p/time job. I've been approached and I said I would only accept one day of babysitting with the grandkids. My daughters life is my priority. How would I look if I said to disability employment  "M------ cant do this work experience cause I'm exhuasted lugging 2 extra kids around' so we'll have to leave that day out'  I'm 52 and I have trouble feeling accepted and loved if I stand my priorities. I know I will be approached for more babysitting, the mum doesnt want to spend all her new wages on daycare. Please help me, I get too involved and feel like I have to fix things. Smiley Sad and be liked.

i'm starting to panic. I asked her if she would include her own mother on the babysitting and she said no, because she works and only gets 2 days off. per week.

 

Please, I am interested in views and advice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And, what does your son say to all this.  Doesn't he understand that his sister needs you and has no alternative while his children can go to daycare easily?

No is an acceptable answer when asked to do something that will not work for you.  You say your sons SO's mother has a full time job and can't help with childcare, well you also have a full time job.  You say yourself, "Its my job to try and see where she will go in her future and get her to therapies and coach her to some independence."

Edited by SueSTx
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, noomanann said:

Hi, I also have my own issues  and care for my daughter 19 with Aspergers and social anxiety. Its my job to try and see where she will go in her future and get her to therapies and coach her to some independence.

My daughter started a part time creative writing course and we report to a disability employment service once each 2 weeks, to keep being active and check in to see with them if any employer would give her a chance at some hours of employment  and centrelink would otherwise cancel her pension .I drive my daughter to all her appointments, so I am relatively quiete busy, we live rural so getting her on public transports a no. So I'm with her on her appointments. We are now seeing how the NDIS will help. My daughter is my priority.

 I suffer from reacting huge to stress others deem normal. I also have low self esteem from a toxic childhood. I'm also nanna to 2 children , one of them is a baby. This family is on one wage and the mum likes to spend money. Son's partner has been offered a p/time job. I've been approached and I said I would only accept one day of babysitting with the grandkids. My daughters life is my priority. How would I look if I said to disability employment  "M------ cant do this work experience cause I'm exhuasted lugging 2 extra kids around' so we'll have to leave that day out'  I'm 52 and I have trouble feeling accepted and loved if I stand my priorities. I know I will be approached for more babysitting, the mum doesnt want to spend all her new wages on daycare. Please help me, I get too involved and feel like I have to fix things. Smiley Sad and be liked.

i'm starting to panic. I asked her if she would include her own mother on the babysitting and she said no, because she works and only gets 2 days off. per week.

 

Please, I am interested in views and advice.

You might not feel confident standing up for your priorities nor feel loved by others because you do, but because you do stand up for your priorities you are providing your daughter with opportunities to boost her confidence and plan a future- If your son's partner likes to spend money and shop and it is a problem, it isn't your problem and it's not your responsibility to fix- It's theirs-  And it doesn't matter who approached you, him or her- No is a perfectly acceptable response- There's two of them, there is one of you- Why should the majority of the care taking be on you?

They may be seeking you out because you're setting an example by acting responsibly regarding your priorities, and because you do, they feel confident leaving their children with you- Which is a good thing- Hopefully they will learn by your example- Stay confident, stick to your priorities-

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"Thank you for thinking of me, but that won't work for us."

It's polite, and to the point.

Saying no to babysitting doesn't make you 'bad'. It simply makes you unavailable for babysitting.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Agree w/ everything PPs have said.

Standing up for your priorities may feel uncomfortable, at first, if you're not used to it (BTDT). But it will get easier w/ time.

Meanwhile, I hope you've had counseling to help you deal w/ the effects of your "toxic childhood."

(((Hugs!)))

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/16/2017 at 11:08 AM, SueSTx said:

And, what does your son say to all this.  Doesn't he understand that his sister needs you and has no alternative while his children can go to daycare easily?

No is an acceptable answer when asked to do something that will not work for you.  You say your sons SO's mother has a full time job and can't help with childcare, well you also have a full time job.  You say yourself, "Its my job to try and see where she will go in her future and get her to therapies and coach her to some independence."

Hi, my son has approached before for his partners wants from me. My sons treat their sister delicately and even sometimes its all too hard for them.

I know its coming though, I've already said I would for one day and that was all I would do. My daughter comes first, and my sanity comes a close second, my body aint what it used to be.

Thanks for your support:D

On 2/16/2017 at 2:22 PM, Komorebi said:

You might not feel confident standing up for your priorities nor feel loved by others because you do, but because you do stand up for your priorities you are providing your daughter with opportunities to boost her confidence and plan a future- If your son's partner likes to spend money and shop and it is a problem, it isn't your problem and it's not your responsibility to fix- It's theirs-  And it doesn't matter who approached you, him or her- No is a perfectly acceptable response- There's two of them, there is one of you- Why should the majority of the care taking be on you?

They may be seeking you out because you're setting an example by acting responsibly regarding your priorities, and because you do, they feel confident leaving their children with you- Which is a good thing- Hopefully they will learn by your example- Stay confident, stick to your priorities-

Thankyou,  for your comments and support, I come from a place in the past  where standing up for myself lost me family, my sister and mother, though toxic.  So it feels really risky to say no, but I have to. Its not just me, its my daughter as well.

 

On 2/16/2017 at 2:35 PM, ImpishMom said:

"Thank you for thinking of me, but that won't work for us."

It's polite, and to the point.

Saying no to babysitting doesn't make you 'bad'. It simply makes you unavailable for babysitting.

Thankyou, I got to keep saying what you wrote and make if feel right.

 

On 2/16/2017 at 8:48 PM, RoseRed135 said:

Agree w/ everything PPs have said.

Standing up for your priorities may feel uncomfortable, at first, if you're not used to it (BTDT). But it will get easier w/ time.

Meanwhile, I hope you've had counseling to help you deal w/ the effects of your "toxic childhood."

(((Hugs!)))

Thankyou RoseRed135 can you tell me please what BTDT stands for. I been to a few psychologists and talked about childhood stuff, some helpful, some not. My mum is still about at 81, no contact and did this with a very heavy heart and wonder everyday what she is doing and whether I did the right things. I hope I can live with my choices after she does eventually pass.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

BTDT = Been There, Done That

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope you find the courage and strength within yourself to assert yourself and tell her one day is all you can do.  Your daughter is your full time job and responsibility to assist her in being self sufficient. Don't feel guilty your priority is your daughter and yourself. Counseling is great and happy you are working through the trauma of your childhood! Good luck 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, noomanann said:

Thankyou RoseRed135 can you tell me please what BTDT stands for. I been to a few psychologists and talked about childhood stuff, some helpful, some not. My mum is still about at 81, no contact and did this with a very heavy heart and wonder everyday what she is doing and whether I did the right things. I hope I can live with my choices after she does eventually pass.

I'm glad you've been for counseling, noomanan, and that some of it was helpful. Have you thought of going for additional counseling to help you deal w/ your conflicting feelings now about having CO (cut off) your mother (and sister?) and about standing up for yourself? The right therapist might be very helpful in this.

To my understanding, few people, if any CO someone lightly. So it doesn't surprise me that you went NC (no contact) "with a very heavy heart." Since you tell us that the relationship was "toxic," however, I'm sure you needed to do it for your own emotional health and sanity.

This ^^^ is very different, IMO, than putting limits on babysitting. Especially when it's b/c of all you must do for your DD. DS & DIL need to understand that she is a priority for you, just as their kids are for them (even though their kids are much younger). Hopefully, they can and will.

As for "BTDT," ImpishMom, as you can see, gave you the definition. If you would like to see a list of acronyms and other Internet expressions commonly used here, please click on the following link:

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now