• Announcements

    • LatoyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LatoyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
RoseRed135

Have your "new GP hopes" been dashed?

12 posts in this topic

Usually, the arrival of a new GB (grandbaby) is an exciting and joyous event! But, sometimes, unfortunately, issues crop up between the parents and one or more of the GPs. Often, as a result, a new GPs hopes/expectations for their role are dashed, especially if this is their 1st GC/1st GC from a specific AC (adult child) & CIL (child-in-law). If you've been disappointed by your new grandparenting experience, please feel free to vent about it/seek advice below...

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi everyone, I am a new grandma and am struggling week to week and sometimes day to day to be able to see my love bug.. This drama all started the night before being induced.  The day is here and so excited with anticipation, and overwhelmed knowing that I 1 day my 1st grandbaby will be arriving to meet us.  I couldn't be more happy. my hopes and dream of being a grandma was coming true, But then the phone rang and it was my sons girlfriend and she said to me that nobody was allowed to be at the hospital when the baby was born that all of us can just see her when she comes home.  I was in shock and disbelief.  I lost it emotionally.  I did not understand, I cried and cried and couldn't believe this was happening.  My joy. My happiness taken away with one phone call.  Later that night the sister of the girlfriend called and said for me to meet her at the hospital that she didn't care what her sister says, we are going to be there anyways.  So I went and myself the girlfriends mother and sister went also amd baby love bug arrived the next day early evening,  We were able to finally see love bug 2 hours after she was born.  I was in heaven.  I took them clothes for baby love bug to come home in, went to get coffee and when I got back 5 minutes later the curtains were drawn and my son said the girlfriend doesn't want any visitors and asked me to leave, I left in tears and very confused.  the girlfriend decided to breastfeed love bug.When she came home I offered my help she would not accept it. So every chance I got I would go visit and spend time if they let me and I realized that love bug was not acting so well.  She wasn't sick or anything but not acting like a newborn baby does.  Never cried, never smiled just slept and stared, once in awhile she would kind of grin.As I kept visiting I always felt that something was wrong.  And yes I figured it out.  the mom was smoking marijuana and breastfeeding.  My love bug was too high to cry or do anything.  I approached my son and asked him to come over and I talked to him in private and let him know my concerns and he disagreed, my kids all talked to him and he said mind your own business.  He said nobody told her to stop.  So she continued to smoke weed and breastfeed  I coulldn't handle it so I told them since they choose to get love bug high by breastfeeding that I didn't want to be part of it and said that I have to walk away until they come to their senses.  They got mad and said I could;t see love bug for 3 months.  I was so sad and cried everyday, and also in shock.  CPS was called and I was accused of reporting them.  And was bashed on social media.  Slowly they began to let me see love bug.  Christmas was coming and saw her for a little while, the girlfriend showed up drunk.  I find out now that she is drinking heavily everyday.  And that she also drank and smoked pot during pregnancy. This is why they didn't want anyone at the hospital during birth cause they were scared of what might happen to love bug because of the alcohol and pot smoking.  Well I bought love bug a toy cellphone that played songs teaches colors and numbers.  Now I can only see love bug at their house and the girlfriend was bashing me on social media she says that I undermined them by buying love bug a toy cell phone.  I had no idea they didnt want her to have toy cell phone.  They say they can't trust me to care for love bug becayse I undermined them. And now can only see her at their house only.  The other grandparents see love bug all the time.  They post on facebook aall the time like rubbing in my face;  I'm very jealous they get so much time with the baby and I don't.  The other grandparents are alcoholics.  I'm hurt confused and emotional wreck.  Can't fathom all of this even Happening.  Has anyone gone through anything like this?  I need some understanding'.  Any input or advice is much appreciated.

Thank yyou for letting me vent and for reading.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You say someone reported the case to CPS...what was their ruling?  My reaction to your story depends on the CPS ruling.

I,m not asking if you reported,  If I though one of my grandchildren were in danger I would have to consider reporting them, but I would be prepared to accept the consequences what ever they were because it would be worth it to protect a child.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Zaylee said:

Hi everyone, I am a new grandma and am struggling week to week and sometimes day to day to be able to see my love bug.. This drama all started the night before being induced.  The day is here and so excited with anticipation, and overwhelmed knowing that I 1 day my 1st grandbaby will be arriving to meet us.  I couldn't be more happy. my hopes and dream of being a grandma was coming true, But then the phone rang and it was my sons girlfriend and she said to me that nobody was allowed to be at the hospital when the baby was born that all of us can just see her when she comes home.  I was in shock and disbelief.  I lost it emotionally.  I did not understand, I cried and cried and couldn't believe this was happening.  My joy. My happiness taken away with one phone call.  Later that night the sister of the girlfriend called and said for me to meet her at the hospital that she didn't care what her sister says, we are going to be there anyways.  So I went and myself the girlfriends mother and sister went also amd baby love bug arrived the next day early evening,  We were able to finally see love bug 2 hours after she was born.  I was in heaven.  I took them clothes for baby love bug to come home in, went to get coffee and when I got back 5 minutes later the curtains were drawn and my son said the girlfriend doesn't want any visitors and asked me to leave, I left in tears and very confused.  the girlfriend decided to breastfeed love bug.When she came home I offered my help she would not accept it. So every chance I got I would go visit and spend time if they let me and I realized that love bug was not acting so well.  She wasn't sick or anything but not acting like a newborn baby does.  Never cried, never smiled just slept and stared, once in awhile she would kind of grin.As I kept visiting I always felt that something was wrong.  And yes I figured it out.  the mom was smoking marijuana and breastfeeding.  My love bug was too high to cry or do anything.  I approached my son and asked him to come over and I talked to him in private and let him know my concerns and he disagreed, my kids all talked to him and he said mind your own business.  He said nobody told her to stop.  So she continued to smoke weed and breastfeed  I coulldn't handle it so I told them since they choose to get love bug high by breastfeeding that I didn't want to be part of it and said that I have to walk away until they come to their senses.  They got mad and said I could;t see love bug for 3 months.  I was so sad and cried everyday, and also in shock.  CPS was called and I was accused of reporting them.  And was bashed on social media.  Slowly they began to let me see love bug.  Christmas was coming and saw her for a little while, the girlfriend showed up drunk.  I find out now that she is drinking heavily everyday.  And that she also drank and smoked pot during pregnancy. This is why they didn't want anyone at the hospital during birth cause they were scared of what might happen to love bug because of the alcohol and pot smoking.  Well I bought love bug a toy cellphone that played songs teaches colors and numbers.  Now I can only see love bug at their house and the girlfriend was bashing me on social media she says that I undermined them by buying love bug a toy cell phone.  I had no idea they didnt want her to have toy cell phone.  They say they can't trust me to care for love bug becayse I undermined them. And now can only see her at their house only.  The other grandparents see love bug all the time.  They post on facebook aall the time like rubbing in my face;  I'm very jealous they get so much time with the baby and I don't.  The other grandparents are alcoholics.  I'm hurt confused and emotional wreck.  Can't fathom all of this even Happening.  Has anyone gone through anything like this?  I need some understanding'.  Any input or advice is much appreciated.

Thank yyou for letting me vent and for reading.

Oh, Zaylee, my heart is aching for you! Not only were your hopes/expectations as a new GM dashed, but you have the worry about little "love bug" on top of it! Not to mention being "bashed on social media!"  I'm so deeply sorry, but glad you feel comfortable enough to share your concerns w/ us.

If it's any comfort, at all, part of what you're talking about is increasingly common today. A growing number of young couples prefer that no family or friends be present when their baby is born, not even in the waiting room. Yes, in this case, it may have been b/c your son and his GF were "scared of what might happen to love bug." But it could just be that they wanted to keep this precious moment to themselves. It was wrong, IMO (in my opinion) for GF to let you know so last minute/the night before. But, TBF (to be fair), she might have been worried about the reaction.

IMO, also, everyone should have respected her (and your son's) boundary and waited to meet GD. But I know that's hard to do, especially if you (general) aren't familiar w/ this growing trend.

But everything pales in comparison to GF's drinking and pot-smoking while BFing (breastfeeding)! I'm thoroughly appalled at that! And glad someone contacted CPS. Like Sue, I'm wondering what the decision was.

Unfortunately, it's not unusual for parents to get angry if CPS is called or to blame this/that person, fairly or unfairly. I'm so sorry the fallout landed on you.

The good news is that you and her relatives are still able to see GD, despite the CPS call and the breaking of that original boundary. Some parents would be cutting visits way back, at this point, or not allowing them at all after all the drama. I take it they even let you babysit GD, once or twice, but put a stop to that b/c of a toy cell phone? That I don't understand anymore than you do. I'm sorry that you don't seem to get to see GD as much as GD's FOO (family of origin) do and I get that this hurts. Please take comfort, though, in the fact that you do get to see her.

Regardless, I share your concerns about GF's use of marijuana and alcohol, and I hope she gets help for her apparent addictions. Again, my heart is w/ you... (((Hugs!)))

ETA: Unless there is something you're not telling us, I think that publicly complaining about you is cruel and unnecessary. I'm not clear on whether it was GF or your son (or both) who did this. But, no matter, if either one has an issue w/ you, IMO, they should speak to you privately - or air their frustrations on an anonymous parent site - but not trash you on social media in front of people you know and who know you. Also thinking...you may prefer not to read their posts or those of GF's FOO since they make you unhappy.

 

Edited by RoseRed135
clarity & to add a thought
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, SueSTx said:

You say someone reported the case to CPS...what was their ruling?  My reaction to your story depends on the CPS ruling.

I,m not asking if you reported,  If I though one of my grandchildren were in danger I would have to consider reporting them, but I would be prepared to accept the consequences what ever they were because it would be worth it to protect a child.

That's definitely an important question, Sue.

I see a cpl of different issues happening here:

1. You disrespected the GF and your son by showing up when she was in labour. Doesn't matter what her sister said. You were told you weren't welcome, they'd see you when they brought baby home. You put what you wanted ahead of what the woman who was giving birth said she needed. Doesn't matter how you slice it, you were in the wrong. You were told no, and did what you wanted anyways. 

2. You offered help, she said no, so you were there every chance you got. She has the right to not accept help. Were you invited to visit, or just showing up?

3. You said you were going to walk away, they said you couldn't see the baby for 3 months. I'm confused on this one. You were walking away, so what does it matter if they said no visits for 3 months?

4. Drug and alcohol use: this is seperate from the other issues.  CPS has investigated. What did they say/do?

5. What the other grandparents do is none of your business. It really isn't. If you feel that they are rubbing your face in the relationship they have w/the gc, don't look at their social media. It's not doing you any good to look, so don't. Unless they're tagging you in the posts, however, I doubt you're a consideration when they're posting, though. They're just sharing about what's going on in their lives, and you aren't motivation for what they are/aren't sharing.

So, what it boils down to is boundary stomping, and addictions.

Addictions CPS has looked into, and since they still have custody of your gc, that seems to indicate their perspective on that situation.

Boundary stomping is on you. You've repeatedly placed what you wanted first, even before the woman in labour. That's a problem. Your actions have clearly said that you don't respect the parents of the child. I wouldn't allow someone that didn't respect me to babysit my child, b/c how could I trust them?

6 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

SueSTX,

I'm not totally sure of what CPS did, I know CPS sent tem a letter stating there is n ongoing investigation and to expect a visit from a social worker. So they had cleaned everything up and she stopped breastfeeding immediately.  Now love bug is very active and has a very out going personality and developing just fine.  I never wanted anyone to get in trouble or didn't want love bug removed, I only wanted her to stop smoking pot and breastfeeding.  I knew that I would get blamed for calling CPS and since someone beat me to it I didnt have to.  And I knew that was gonna be the end of my relationship with my son.  But I had to take that chance in order for nlove bug to be ok.  Love bug came into this world relying on her mommy and daddy to make the right choices for her well being and when those parents fall short of their responsibility and makes bad decisions, that's when love bug hopes that there was someone looking out for her.  I did reach out to her parents and sister and they all said we don't get to choose how they raise their daughter.  And the other grandma said that she doesnt get involved what they do so there is  no conflict between them.  Well the baby was being harmed and it had to stop. Nobody cares for me to be around now and I raised my 5 kids alone and we all have been such a close familly and since all of this has happened my family doesn't speak much to each other and it's so hard being a grandma.  My emotions are overflowing with grief and sadness.  Today I asked my son if I could come see love bug, he replied we won't be home they are going to see other grandparents as usual.  But that he will call me later.  My feelings are now at the point of just saying when you decide to allow me to see love bug you know where I live.  IDK....I'm just miserable and sad all the time.  I've been such a good mom to my kids and for them to be treating me like I've done something so bad to them just hurts my heart.  I try to remember that God is in control and things are the way they are becausee that's God plan and he has bigger things in store.

Thanks again for listening and for your replies.  I just needed to let it out

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Imp has raised very valid concerns & reasoning. You had certain expectations for YOUR grandparent experience....and ignoring the wishes of this baby's parents in the process. That's remarkably disrespectful, IMO. In the order of importance before delivery the birthing mother is #1, always. What she wants goes no matter what the reason...your presumed grandma's rights & wants aren't even on the list.

My DsD said "no visitors, no waiting room warriors" for her deliver of GD#2....DH & I stayed home. We saw them the next day still in hospital at their invitation. As I've done with all my GK births I've asked them what they need for me to do...if the answer is "I think we've got it covered" then my parting words are "call me if you need me". If I have information they actually need (what ever they are doing isn't working the way they think it should) my comment opens with "have you considered abc?"

I am curious about the CPS conclusion as well. That will give clarity to this whole situation.

In the meantime, you might start to heal by apologizing for your boundary stomping & disrespect. 

9 hours ago, Zaylee said:

I was in shock and disbelief.  I lost it emotionally.  I did not understand, I cried and cried and couldn't believe this was happening.  My joy. My happiness taken away with one phone call.

Just curious, but why did you think it was your right to invade the privacy of their birth moment? I think your expectations are based on your assumptions of how you thought things should be. Your joy & happiness weren't taken away that I can see. You are still a grandma. I am thrilled for you. I have 9 GK, all treasures, ages 3-12. Build your own relationship with this child. You will add dimension to her life, however, you won't be central to it. 

 

9 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

went to get coffee and when I got back 5 minutes later the curtains were drawn and my son said the girlfriend doesn't want any visitors and asked me to leave, I left in tears and very confused (this is Zaylee's quote, accidentally pulled it from Rose's post's quote, sorry)

What are your memories of giving birth? Did your families invade all your space or were you able to manage your experience your way? 

Try to look at this from an outsider's point of view. I think you were assuming you were included rather than being invited to participate. This is your grandchild, not YOUR child. She has parents who will decide how she is cared for and who will be central to her....GP, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, etc are secondary. 

My sister and I were discussing whether or not I'd ever sell my house, DD was there as well. DD says "we won't let her ever sell this house"....Sister, without missing a beat says "Got news for you, Babycakes....you don't get a vote"....(it wasn't harshly said at all, but, lets face it, clear and to the point). Same with telling someone else how to care for their child....you don't get a vote. If the child is in danger, that's another story altogether.

 

 

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Zaylee said:

SueSTX,

I'm not totally sure of what CPS did, I know CPS sent tem a letter stating there is n ongoing investigation and to expect a visit from a social worker. So they had cleaned everything up and she stopped breastfeeding immediately. It's interesting that GF chose to give up BFing rather than to try to stop drinking and smoking weed. But I realize giving up such substances can be difficult, and I'm just glad there's no longer any chance of their being transmitted to GD in any way.  Whoever called CPS was very brave and may well have done a good thing.   Now love bug is very active and has a very out going personality and developing just fine. Wonderful!  I never wanted anyone to get in trouble or didn't want love bug removed, I only wanted her to stop smoking pot and breastfeeding.  I knew that I would get blamed for calling CPS and since someone beat me to it I didnt have to.  And I knew that was gonna be the end of my relationship with my son. But, happily, you still seem to have a relationship w/ him though, no doubt, it's strained.  But I had to take that chance in order for nlove bug to be ok.  Love bug came into this world relying on her mommy and daddy to make the right choices for her well being and when those parents fall short of their responsibility and makes bad decisions, that's when love bug hopes that there was someone looking out for her.  I did reach out to her parents and sister and they all said we don't get to choose how they raise their daughter. Ordinarily, I'd agree w/ them, but it's different, IMO, when you (general) truly believe a child is being harmed, as you suggest below.. And the other grandma said that she doesnt get involved what they do so there is  no conflict between them.  Well the baby was being harmed and it had to stop. Nobody cares for me to be around now and I raised my 5 kids alone and we all have been such a close familly and since all of this has happened my family doesn't speak much to each other and it's so hard being a grandma. Again, so very sorry. But there was bound to me some residual tension and lowered contact after so much drama. Hopefully, in time, the wounds will heal.  My emotions are overflowing with grief and sadness.  Today I asked my son if I could come see love bug, he replied we won't be home they are going to see other grandparents as usual.  But that he will call me later.  My feelings are now at the point of just saying when you decide to allow me to see love bug you know where I live.  IDK....I'm just miserable and sad all the time.  I've been such a good mom to my kids and for them to be treating me like I've done something so bad to them just hurts my heart. Not clear on whether "them" refers to "(your) kids" or this one son and his GF... I try to remember that God is in control and things are the way they are becausee that's God plan and he has bigger things in store.

Thanks again for listening and for your replies.  I just needed to let it out

Glad you appreciate talking w/ us!

I know you addressed this to Sue, but some points caught my attention, and I made some comments on it, as you can see.

Want to add that it seems clear that your son and GF knew all along that her drinking and smoking pot might not be good for a BF baby. Otherwise, she wouldn't have stopped BFing when she knew CPS was coming to visit.

Also want to add here that I'm very sorry that you're feeling so unhappy. IMO, those feelings are normal, given the circumstances you're grieving, I imagine, for lost and damaged relationships and the end of a vision you had of how grandparenting would be. Hopefully, the pain will ease up, as things settle down and you adjust to the situation as it evolves.  Hopefully, too, if, from now on, you can show your son and GF that you respect their wishes/boundaries, you will regain their trust and your relationship w/ them will improve. Meanwhile, I hope you continue to reach out to us, so we can  try to help you deal.

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Since most of us, I'm sure, have heard of the negative effects that drinking alcohol can have on an unborn baby, it's not unreasonable, IMO, to think that it would have similar results if absorbed via BFing. Or to worry about the impact pot-smoking might have on a BF baby.

However, for those of you who are interested, a little googling showed me that conclusions about alcohol and BFing aren't so clear. The overall advice seems to be against it, but it also appears that the possible effects are directly related to the amount consumed. IOWs, apparently, there's a difference between drinking heavily and the occasional glass of wine:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/expert-answers/breast-feeding-and-alcohol/faq-20057985

Conclusions about marijuana and BFing were even more mixed since very little research seems to have been done on that for obvious reasons. The simplest and clearest article I found on that is from BabyCenter. I can't link it b/c it's on a parents' site and that would violate guidelines, but I can give the title: "Is it safe for a breastfeeding mom to use marijuana?" This article shows that there are definite concerns. But several of the responses to the article are from pot-smoking moms who think otherwise.

So it's not clear that Zaylee's GD was being harmed by her mom's weed-smoking and drinking or how much. But, IMO, GF should have looked into it before she made the decision to BF (or maybe she did and was concerned - and that's why she stopped once she knew CPS was coming?). . Hopefully, whoever called CPS did a little research (even if just online as I did) beforehand/made an informed choice. But again, despite the inevitable fallout, I understand their calling if they really felt baby was being hurt.

 

Edited by RoseRed135
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Zaylee - Just "checking in" to see how you're doing...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I like the advice that says you as a grandmother will add dimension to your granddaughter's life, but not be central to it..I am unable to be in my granddaughter's daily life because I live one and a half hours away(city highway traffic) ..I am accepting that I have to take what my kids are willing to give in time and energy to me, because whatever I do is unlikely to change that..Reacting negatively will only push them away..I invite my kids and grand daughter over to my house from time to time, I occasionally invite myself over to their house to babysit..This has been working well, we have been able to see each other roughly every month..I feel immense guilt that I was unable to provide prompt help when my DIL experienced a health crisis that put her in the hospital a year ago..The kids needed me to babysit my granddaughter, so that my son could stay with my DIL in the hospital without worrying about the baby..After I explained what accommodations I would need (be able to stay at their house overnight) and the length of time it would take me to make my way to the hospital, the kids called my DIL's father....I hope my DIL won't hold a permanent grudge towards me because her father had to leave work early in order to relieve my son of watching after my granddaughter..At the end of the day, dropping your expectations of how things will be in relationships will be healthier for you..I pray for the safety of your grandchild and hope all is a bit better by now..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, doggiediva said:

I like the advice that says you as a grandmother will add dimension to your granddaughter's life, but not be central to it..I am unable to be in my granddaughter's daily life because I live one and a half hours away(city highway traffic) ..I am accepting that I have to take what my kids are willing to give in time and energy to me, because whatever I do is unlikely to change that..Reacting negatively will only push them away..I invite my kids and grand daughter over to my house from time to time, I occasionally invite myself over to their house to babysit..This has been working well, we have been able to see each other roughly every month..I feel immense guilt that I was unable to provide prompt help when my DIL experienced a health crisis that put her in the hospital a year ago..The kids needed me to babysit my granddaughter, so that my son could stay with my DIL in the hospital without worrying about the baby..After I explained what accommodations I would need (be able to stay at their house overnight) and the length of time it would take me to make my way to the hospital, the kids called my DIL's father....I hope my DIL won't hold a permanent grudge towards me because her father had to leave work early in order to relieve my son of watching after my granddaughter..At the end of the day, dropping your expectations of how things will be in relationships will be healthier for you..I pray for the safety of your grandchild and hope all is a bit better by now..

Welcome back, doggiediva! Good to see you again!

Sorry about DIL's health crisis, but trust she is ok now. Sorry, too, that you weren't able to help in a way that both you and they would have been comfortable with. But I'm glad to hear that you are able to see DS and family about once a month, despite living at a distance.

We generally ask members not to bring up threads that are more than 3 months old, unless they're the OP (original poster) or it's a "stickypost"/thread pinned to the front of the forum w/ a thumbtack icon. Since this thread is older than that, ordinarily, I would lock it down. But since I reached out to Zaylee a few months ago, on the chance that she would come in and talk w/ us some more - and you are addressing her also - I think it's only fair to leave it open for now. Please be careful about this in the future, however.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now