• Announcements

    • LatoyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LatoyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
RoseRed135

As the weather gets warmer, are you making any visiting plans?

15 posts in this topic

Spring is here (or almost). As you look forward to the warmer (or in some places, hotter) months, are you making any plans to travel to see LD (long distance) family? Or are they coming to visit you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Autumn is well under way here, and we are hoping and saving to perhaps visit our nearer children in spring - around the end of October - since they will have a new baby in early October.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for reminding me, @GrandmaMisti that some of our members are currently enjoying the fall.

Meanwhile, congratulations on that coming GB! Hope you do get to visit and have a wonderful time!

But now I'm wondering if any of our "down under" members are planning to visit/be visited by LD (long distance) family before winter sets in?

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My sister and her husband are moving from New Zealand to Canada in just 6 weeks! They have been wanting to come for the past couple of years but some health issues prevented it. We're all looking forward to seeing them.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
37 minutes ago, agnurse said:

My sister and her husband are moving from New Zealand to Canada in just 6 weeks! They have been wanting to come for the past couple of years but some health issues prevented it. We're all looking forward to seeing them.

That's very exciting!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My two grown daughters made the decision to move to Canada about 2 years ago. One of them comes back to visit us with her family every summer, the other has not been able to come. She is a single mother, is getting an MA and supporting her two kids..  Anyway, when they made the decision to go, along with the grandchildren (one daughter has 3, and the other 2), I was very upset and began to have blood pressure and other problems.  During these two years, my son-in-law has been asking me to go see them, offering to pay air fare, etc.  He has asked and insisted repeatedly. Since my younger daughter announced that she won't be able to come again this summer due to job responsibilities I am being swayed toward going. I take blood thinners, have BP issues, low thyroid, high blood sugar, mild vertigo, and difficulty with stairs. I miss my daughter and two grandkids so I am feeling swayed toward going.

  Just as I told my younger daughter this, she announced that if I go to Canada to see them, I will have to stay in a hotel or B&B. I can see them when they're not busy. I am sure she has talked this over with my older daughter. My younger daughter has a small place, so I get this. My older daughter is better off, has one son in university, and two kids in elementary. They have just moved to a new, spacious home. 

  Question: Is it just me, or is it a bit strange to be asked by the SIL repeatedly to  visit, and now be told that if I go, I have to stay alone in a hotel. If I wanted to be alone, I don't have to go all the way to Canada (15 hours by plane).  And I am not interested in being a tourist, or just be treated formally.  I love seeing my grandkids in their pjs, seeing them wake up in the morning, and just being around them in a natural way. But from what they have said about my staying at a hotel, I am getting a sense that the feeling is not mutual. I am so confused--if they didn't want to be with me, why have they been inviting me all this time?

 If anyone can make sense of this, please let me know.  I'm just so confused about what this means. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome grandmafromafar.  WOW 15 hours by plane is a long way.  I have lived 10 to 12 hr drive from my family for nearly 50 years.  Even when we lived in a one bedroom, they always stayed in our home...BUT...things have changed and it isn't unusual for grandparents to be advised to stay in a hotel when visiting for more than a couple of days at a time.  I know my two were more apt to act up when we had overnight company and it is much easier to maintain a demanding schedule without visitors in the home.

You say your SIL has offered to pay for the air tickets, are you in a financial position to stay in a hotel and rent a car or take a taxi while visiting?

Maybe your daughter isaware of your health issues and thinks you would be more comfortable in a hotel with a little peace and quite in the evenings and early mornings.

Unless one of your daughters offer/invite you to stay in their home for a specific few days, I don't think you have a choice but to plan on staying in a hotel.  I understand busy,

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
38 minutes ago, grandmafromafar said:

Is it just me, or is it a bit strange to be asked by the SIL repeatedly to  visit, and now be told that if I go, I have to stay alone in a hotel. If I wanted to be alone, I don't have to go all the way to Canada (15 hours by plane).  And I am not interested in being a tourist, or just be treated formally.  I love seeing my grandkids in their pjs, seeing them wake up in the morning, and just being around them in a natural way. But from what they have said about my staying at a hotel, I am getting a sense that the feeling is not mutual. I am so confused--if they didn't want to be with me, why have they been inviting me all this time?

 

8 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

Maybe your daughter isaware of your health issues and thinks you would be more comfortable in a hotel with a little peace and quite in the evenings and early mornings.

Welcome also, grandmafromafar. Good you've brought your issues here.

When traveling with DH we always stayed in a hotel. Personally, I'm not a fan of overnight company....never have been and I'm rarely good with being a guest. But I'm an introvert and my home is my sanctuary. Is there a possibility that some of this may be part of your SIL's personality as well? That said, I think Sue may be on to something with kids' routines. It's very common for kids to go bat-crap crazy when Grandma is visiting....and can be very difficult to dial them back down. What you consider a "natural way" is actually not at all natural for anyone else. They do want you, they've offered to pay a large share of the expense...this may be another example of mismatched expectations. Talk to your DD.

I'm 64, certainly not old, but I prefer the privacy of my own space when I travel. I rarely share a hotel room and I've been traveling with the same group of people for most of a decade. My sister and DD are the rare exceptions. 

Also, before you undertake this trip. Talk with your doctor about managing your issues. Is there anything you can do the strengthen your weaker areas, any adjustments in medication, diet, exercise, etc. Make sure you drink enough water and eat a healthy diet while traveling. Get a pair of compression flight stockings for the trip to minimize leg swelling during the flight (I made my DsD wear them on a trip to Singapore, she was only one who could get her shoes on when they landed after 14 hours)

Please keep us posted....

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Another welcome, grandmafromafar! I'm sorry that your DDs (dear daughters") and their families have both moved so far away and that you have developed some health issues. But I'm glad you've brought your concerns to us!

8 hours ago, grandmafromafar said:

My two grown daughters made the decision to move to Canada about 2 years ago. One of them comes back to visit us with her family every summer, the other has not been able to come. She is a single mother, is getting an MA and supporting her two kids..  Anyway, when they made the decision to go, along with the grandchildren (one daughter has 3, and the other 2), I was very upset and began to have blood pressure and other problems.  During these two years, my son-in-law has been asking me to go see them, offering to pay air fare, etc. Not to be picky, but what does the "etc" include? Perhaps a hotel or B&B was part of the idea all along?  He has asked and insisted repeatedly. Great that SIL is so interested in having you visit! But was his wife/your ODD (older dear daughter) on board? Perhaps she and YDD have more concerns about your health and having guests in their home than he is.  Since my younger daughter announced that she won't be able to come again this summer due to job responsibilities I am being swayed toward going. I take blood thinners, have BP issues, low thyroid, high blood sugar, mild vertigo, and difficulty with stairs. I miss my daughter and two grandkids so I am feeling swayed toward going.

  Just as I told my younger daughter this, she announced that if I go to Canada to see them, I will have to stay in a hotel or B&B. I can see them when they're not busy. I am sure she has talked this over with my older daughter. How do you know? It seems ODD has been totally left out of all the communication about this visit. But maybe I've gotten the wrong impression. My younger daughter has a small place, so I get this. My older daughter is better off, has one son in university, and two kids in elementary. They have just moved to a new, spacious home. That doesn't mean she's ok w/ having someone in her home, not even her mother. Some people are like that, as PPs have shown. Also, you say you have "difficulty with stairs." Are there stairs in ODD's home? Both she and YDD may feel the first floor in a hotel o B&B would be easier for you.

  Question: Is it just me, or is it a bit strange to be asked by the SIL repeatedly to  visit, and now be told that if I go, I have to stay alone in a hotel. It does - unless paying for a hotel was always part of the offer (see above), and you just didn't realize it, or they have concerns about stairs, etc.  If I wanted to be alone, I don't have to go all the way to Canada (15 hours by plane).  And I am not interested in being a tourist, or just be treated formally.  I love seeing my grandkids in their pjs, seeing them wake up in the morning, and just being around them in a natural way. But from what they have said about my staying at a hotel, I am getting a sense that the feeling is not mutual. I am so confused--if they didn't want to be with me, why have they been inviting me all this time? But maybe "they" haven't been? It seems you've been given one message by SIL, another by YDD and heard nothing from ODD. I agree w/ Mame - you need to talk w/ her.

 If anyone can make sense of this, please let me know.  I'm just so confused about what this means. 
 

 

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks so much to everyone who responded to this. I feel the love! And I appreciate it. RoseRed, your questions and observations about ODD are spot on. I guess I'm afraid to ask her about this, afraid to hear her say  "We don't want you in our home."  I am 99% sure though that YDD and ODD are on the same page about this, otherwise I doubt YDD would have put forth an idea about the stay on her own. 

   Now, here's something I thought of after writing this.  They have explained their situation (or at least YDD as spokeswoman has), so I have to think about mine.  I don't have to be totally passive (which makes me feel rejected, unwanted, etc). I need to think about what I really want and how we might be able to work out a compromise, given the situation as they have shared it. I'm thinking--what they are describing is more like a touristy visit for me, with me in the hotel or B&B, seeing them on certain days and time, and having the rest of the time on my own. So, I'm thinking that in such a situation I can: 1. Work out a time to visit when they might have more free time to spend with me, such as winter or spring holiday. This might put less pressure on them and I would feel less lonely. 2. Go at a time of the year when the weather is suitable for me, and when there might be interesting, accessible things going on in the city that I could engage in without them.  

  I guess what I'm saying is that now that they have made their decision about what suits them, I can make one about what suits me! If we can work something out that suits us all. Great!  If not, I'll have to bite the "missing you" bullet. This hurts but not as much as staying in a hotel all by myself after having traveled all that way to see them, possibly not having time together, and then feeling sad and rejected.  Something like, "If they can't arrange their lives to accommodate my needs and feelings, that's ok.  I will arrange my life to be sure that my needs and feelings are safe and secure and then see what we can work out between us."   Not what I expected, but then things don't always work out as one has expected.

  My own dignity is important to me. So maybe feeling less "needy" and more in control of the situation, given the kids stated preferences, is what is in order.

Thanks so much for the warm welcome and comments. Let me know what you think. I'm so glad there is such a group. 

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Kudos to you, grandma, for respecting your DDs' position and yet, at the same time, trying to figure out what would work best for you! I think both your solutions are good, but I would be cautious about #1. Even if they're on holiday, they may have set activities they generally do, such as plans w/ friends, etc. (Maybe they'll suspend those for your visit, but maybe not.) Also, not all extracurricular activities for kids shut down during school vacations, so they may be busy w/ some of those. And, don't forget, the parents might be working, even though the kids are off. So most of your visit might be spent babysitting (if your health permits) or the kids might be off in whatever childcare arrangements their parents generally use.

So #2 looks like the better choice to me. But you'll know better, I imagine, after talking it over w/ them.

Please let us know what works out!

ETA: Glad you appreciate this place! We're glad to have you here! :)

 

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wise advice! About the winter or spring vacation, I'm thinking I could bring this up way in advance. Say, now for next Spring vacation. Then, let them decide what works for them. If the Spring vacation won't work for them, they can say so, and I can plan accordingly. Since everyone seems open about speaking about their needs, I will do the same about mine. I can bring it up, say "This might work for me, how about you?" and keep the expectations low.

 My daughter had wanted me to go for her college (MA) graduation, but it's in late Fall and I don't want to be alone in a hotel room in the short days of autumn in Canada. Would not work for me. Whereas if I went in the Spring, even if we wouldn't have the whole break time together, the weather is more pleasant.  So, this is YDD's choice--have mom in the house for a week or so around graduation, or send me a video of her graduation and accept a gift from me instead. In my life, I feel I have always tried to not make them upset with me, do what is easiest for them, meet their expectations.  But I think the no expectation thing has to go both ways. If I am not supposed to have expectations of them (like feeling comfortable with welcoming me to their home), then they can also not have expectations that I would arrange my schedule to meet their either. Right? (Personally I don't like this approach, seems so cold, but I guess this is the way life goes!).

  In some ways, the lingering doubt about why SIL has been inviting me so fervently, and why the DDs seem not as enthused is still out there. But sometimes with families it's best not to go too deep. As they say, peeling the onion brings a lot of tears! Perhaps a happy medium between clear communication and spilling out all hidden feelings is best, allowing each party to maintain dignity.

  A friend told me once--we give love to our children and do such much to care for them. This doesn't mean they will offer back that love and caring to us. Rather, and better still, they will pass that love and caring on to their children. Thus, we leave a lasting legacy to generations to come.  Since hearing that, whenever I feel "rejected" by my kids because they don't seem to want to be with me as much as I want to be with them, I look at how they love their kids, how well they take care of them, and feel that I am with them, and in them.   One day I saw ODD pick up her DD and give her a big, loud smooch on the cheek.  Suddenly I realized--that's exactly the way my mom used to kiss me! And I realized that the love does go on, and on... I felt fulfilled.  Does this make sense to anyone? 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, grandmafromafar said:

Wise advice! About the winter or spring vacation, I'm thinking I could bring this up way in advance. Say, now for next Spring vacation. Then, let them decide what works for them. If the Spring vacation won't work for them, they can say so, and I can plan accordingly. Since everyone seems open about speaking about their needs, I will do the same about mine. I can bring it up, say "This might work for me, how about you?" and keep the expectations low.

 My daughter had wanted me to go for her college (MA) graduation, but it's in late Fall and I don't want to be alone in a hotel room in the short days of autumn in Canada. Would not work for me. Whereas if I went in the Spring, even if we wouldn't have the whole break time together, the weather is more pleasant.  So, this is YDD's choice--have mom in the house for a week or so around graduation, or send me a video of her graduation and accept a gift from me instead. In my life, I feel I have always tried to not make them upset with me, do what is easiest for them, meet their expectations.  But I think the no expectation thing has to go both ways. If I am not supposed to have expectations of them (like feeling comfortable with welcoming me to their home), then they can also not have expectations that I would arrange my schedule to meet their either. Right? (Personally I don't like this approach, seems so cold, but I guess this is the way life goes!). You have a point, IMO. But there's no guarantee that they're going to be wise enough to lower their expectations the way you plan to do. Is there any chance that YDD will resent it if you don't come for her graduation? Are you willing to take that risk?

  In some ways, the lingering doubt about why SIL has been inviting me so fervently, and why the DDs seem not as enthused is still out there. But sometimes with families it's best not to go too deep. As they say, peeling the onion brings a lot of tears! Perhaps a happy medium between clear communication and spilling out all hidden feelings is best, allowing each party to maintain dignity. No doubt, dignity is important. Besides, how would you approach this issue? "DDs why are you less enthusiastic about my visiting than SIL?" I don't think so.

  A friend told me once--we give love to our children and do such much to care for them. This doesn't mean they will offer back that love and caring to us. Rather, and better still, they will pass that love and caring on to their children. Thus, we leave a lasting legacy to generations to come.  Since hearing that, whenever I feel "rejected" by my kids because they don't seem to want to be with me as much as I want to be with them, I look at how they love their kids, how well they take care of them, and feel that I am with them, and in them.   One day I saw ODD pick up her DD and give her a big, loud smooch on the cheek.  Suddenly I realized--that's exactly the way my mom used to kiss me! And I realized that the love does go on, and on... I felt fulfilled.  Does this make sense to anyone? It does to me. And, IMO, it's a wise and beautiful sentiment.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My sister and her husband and family recently moved back to Canada from New Zealand. I was able to see them last week. (They are staying with my parents who live about 4 hours' drive away; they are expecting they may want to stay in that area when they're able to get a place of their own.) We have invited them to come out and spend a week with us this summer.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

RoseRed: Thanks for your compassion. I really needed that at this time, as well as the level-headed responses.  I do realize that I am taking the risk of incurring YDD's resentment for not coming to graduation, but I don't feel responsible for her feelings at this point. I am willing to take that risk. That's a big step for me and one that I think is the next one on my own path to development.

Thanks again to you and everyone else who has been listening and supporting this grandmafromafar. :)

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now