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RoseRed135

Vent! Vent! Vent!

71 posts in this topic

Oranges

That sounds like my son, what ever he takes off stays where he was standing, or he leaves dirty dishes in his room for days...so annoying....My husband can also be a pain in the kitchen...telling me to watch the food...blah blah blah....lol

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When we first got married, my DH would get home late at night from work, drop his undies on the floor, right next to the hamper and leave them.  I finally started a pile and left them.  He eventually ran out and after that, started putting them in the hamper.

He would also leave things laying around.  We lived in a small apartment and not a lot of space.  He came home from fishing and left his backpack, with all his lures, etc, in the middle of the bathroom floor.  I got irritated and threw it in the closet.  After about a week, we/he started noticing a smell, and realized that his bait was still in it.......................  Took a while to air out the closet. ;)

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New here. Big vent. 

Vent #1.Daughter began dating someone new. Allowed him to move in with her and  my 18 mo granddaughter -after dating only 3 months. (Baby's dad left when she was 12 weeks pregnant) 

#2. New BF comes from money. Our daughter does not. We made sure our kids had everything they 'needed', but had to work for the 'wants'. Because she is a single mom, my husband and I would help her any way we could. From diapers to daycare - paid 1/2 car payment and auto insurance..etc.. We told her if the new boyfriend moved in, that we would not be able to help her anymore because we wouldn't vicariously support him through her. It's been 2 months. They are constantly shopping. Neither of them are saving money. They allowed the baby to spend the night at his parents. Parents, whom my husband and I have yet to meet and are complete strangers to the baby.  I have been able to handle most of it without exploding....

Until...

#3. Today, my daughter came home from work - all excited- because they are taking a trip to California with the baby! His parents are paying for 1/2 of the $1,000 plane tickets. When I asked her about school (college) and work, and how she could afford to take time off -I got "Oh, I quit school so I could work more." And "BF makes good money too... why are you looking at me like that?" .... "Mom?"

I lost it. I went bananas on her. The last statement I made was "Ever since BF moved in, your priorities are upside down.... " 

Now, most of this is self explanatory... but I could really use some guidance before I  open my mouth again and drive my daughter out of my life. I'm usually pretty good with boundaries,  but today was too much. 

Anyone? 

Anonymous poster hash: b2234...4af

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11 minutes ago, INCOGNITO said:

New here. Big vent. 

Vent #1.Daughter began dating someone new. Allowed him to move in with her and  my 18 mo granddaughter -after dating only 3 months. (Baby's dad left when she was 12 weeks pregnant) 

#2. New BF comes from money. Our daughter does not. We made sure our kids had everything they 'needed', but had to work for the 'wants'. Because she is a single mom, my husband and I would help her any way we could. From diapers to daycare - paid 1/2 car payment and auto insurance..etc.. We told her if the new boyfriend moved in, that we would not be able to help her anymore because we wouldn't vicariously support him through her. It's been 2 months. They are constantly shopping. Neither of them are saving money. They allowed the baby to spend the night at his parents. Parents, whom my husband and I have yet to meet and are complete strangers to the baby.  I have been able to handle most of it without exploding....

Until...

#3. Today, my daughter came home from work - all excited- because they are taking a trip to California with the baby! His parents are paying for 1/2 of the $1,000 plane tickets. When I asked her about school (college) and work, and how she could afford to take time off -I got "Oh, I quit school so I could work more." And "BF makes good money too... why are you looking at me like that?" .... "Mom?"

I lost it. I went bananas on her. The last statement I made was "Ever since BF moved in, your priorities are upside down.... " 

Now, most of this is self explanatory... but I could really use some guidance before I  open my mouth again and drive my daughter out of my life. I'm usually pretty good with boundaries,  but today was too much. 

Anyone? 

Anonymous poster hash: b2234...4af

Yes. Definitely have some thoughts about this (and I'm sure others will, too.) First, I totally understand how you feel. It's can be worrisome to see our AC (adult children) move into a new relationship "too quickly," especially if they've had problems w/ any past relationships. Also, I know it can be difficult to see them totally change their priorities, etc. after a new love comes into their lives. That's even more true if we don't think the change is for the better.

Is it any help to realize that DD's (dear daughter's) priorities might  have begun to change before she met BF? Perhaps b/c of her new life as a mom her focus has been shifting from education to wanting more money for a while, but she couldn't do anything about it till this BF came along? This new relationship may have given her the nudge she needed to do something she has wanted to do for some time.

Regardless, clearly, she's excited about getting the chance to do some things she couldn't before, such as do more shopping or take a trip to California. You may not agree w/ this shift in priorities, but they are hers now, whether they were before or not. Hopefully, your blowing up about it hasn't done too much damage to your relationship (I doubt it since it was just once). From now on, though, please try to accept her decisions, no matter how "off" they may seem to you. And try, if you can, to open your heart to her new BF. (Easier said than done, perhaps, I realize).

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On 3/27/2017 at 0:13 PM, Oranges said:

Work irk:  My co-worker, completely across the way from me (about 75 feet) talks so loud on her phone I can hear every. word. she. says.  Mind you, we are both in offices, not cubicles.

Man irk: 1.Bedroom door is closest to his side of the bed. He takes off his shoes and leaves them right there between the bed and the dresser.  I'm forever tripping over them. 2. Never hangs wash cloth. 3. Leaves dinner plate on the counter instead of the sink. 4. Might add a pinch of seasoning and stir a pot of something I'm cooking, then tries to take credit for the whole meal. Or make ONE dish and will take credit for all of it. 5. Will call to ask his mother how to cook something and I'm standing right there. (Trust me, I can throw down in the kitchen)

Vent over...for now :)

 

Oranges,

I can so relate to the Man irk! DH likes to cook (occasionally) and when he does he makes enough for an army however, he refuses to eat leftovers. I end up giving them to the dog or just throwing them out.

We just painted the inside of our home and he brags about what a great job he is doing, taking full credit even though I helped. He really is a 'messy' painter and I go around behind him cleaning up paint splatter. He paints right over the lightswitch plates and I follow after him removing and cleaning the plates ugh!! The place looks great but I would have prefered hiring a professional which would have sent him right over the edge!

My vent for today :) 

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My vent...I have one daughter in dance. This week the kids are out of school for spring break. Last week at dance class the teacher asked just one child -my child- if she could be there today for dance practice and asked her to even show up early for this class. Today, I drop her off and not five minutes later she texts me to ask the teacher if she is going to make it since the other class was cancelled (which she had just found out about after she showed up, from another student for a different class). I text the teacher. Oh NO, there is no class. So sorry. I would like to meet with her on Thursday. IT'S SPRING BREAK. MAYBE, just maybe, I have other plans.

Some back story: this teacher has been gone a LOT this dance year. I know she has stuff going on in her life but that is no excuse to be rude! From September until now she's probably missed almost half of the classes. She has asked the kids to show up only to cancel later. She didn't bother to cancel with us when she cancelled the other class. So she wasted my time, my gas, my daughter's time (which she is tired of the "crap" this dance year as well) during our spring break. If this was the first time it wouldn't be a big deal but it happens A LOT and has happened a lot over the years. This year I am just so sick of it. Why was it my responsibility to get in touch with the teacher after wasting my time and gas instead of her contacting us to cancel when she cancelled the other class?

I guess I am tired of others not respecting my time and they think their time is so much more important. I just might be out of town later this week and it's not my problem she's been gone so much and needs to now schedule extra classes to play catch up.

She also told the dancers she is wanting to schedule some weekends. Guess what? Classes were scheduled for Monday nights...why do I now, almost at the end of the year need to make changes to the SET schedule? My child told her she works weekends so it would have to be after a certain time then another child spoke up and said the same thing but gave a later time. We'll see if it actually happens.

We usually, for most of our lives anyway, have bent over backwards to accommodate others' (which is why we have IL issues now) but I find I am less wanting to do so any more. Age? Maybe. Tired of BS?  Most likely.

Thanks for the vent thread! LOL. Sometimes that is all it takes, get it out of the system and then move on.

 

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

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Will the people who travel down these rural-ish roads please stop throwing your litter in the ditches??? Is it that difficult to wait to throw your trash away at home???  It gets worse by the day! Ugh! 

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Don't you just love disposable diapers...and pets!

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Snowed again last night, heavy and wet ..

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Rain & wind last night....I had to drive home in it for almost two hours...very difficult.

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1 hour ago, Mame925 said:

Rain & wind last night....I had to drive home in it for almost two hours...very difficult.

Rain, wind and lightning last night.....very magnificent and a bit daunting. :) 

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Lots of rain and wind here, too! Day after day, w/ occasional periods of sun. Sometimes seems like it will never end!

The one good part is having my granddolls "remind" me if I complain about it, "Gramma, April showers bring May flowers!" (Hmmm... yeah, they better!) :)

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Posted (edited)

4 things: store check outs, navigating health insurance, yes, I am a Boomer who was raised by The Greatest, and lastly, I love Dave Chappelle-

1 - I've begun protesting being bum-rushed at every store check out by taking my time -- and smiling while doing so-

2 - Navigating the US health care system is a nightmare -- for many of us- Have you ever had to deal with a claim that was incorrectly submitted? One that involves two doctors, two insured, one insurance company, phone call after phone call after phone call, week after week and the mistake doesn't get resolved? What's corporate HR's advice? Be your own advocate -- then proceeds to share her own insurance fiascos-

3 - I am a Boomer, feel free to share the hatred you believe you feel for this despicable generation, the offspring of The Greatest -- who, if you know your history, rose up then stooped to record lows- Three steps ahead, two back- Since its birth that's how America has progressed one generation after the next, each turning a blind eye to inequality, to existing laws because each generation possesses the foresight that change is inevitable- So if you hate one generation, you may as well hate them all-

4 - I love Dave Chappelle- I love Dave Chappelle!!!

Edited by Komorebi

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Posted (edited)

When it isn't raining, lots of roadwork going on in my area. Aggravating b/c it means detours and whole streets closed off to through traffic and parking! :(

But, of course, streets have to be fixed, especially after the winter. And it means jobs, which is clearly a good thing. So despite my venting, I'm glad it's happening. :)

Edited by RoseRed135

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On 3/22/2017 at 6:18 PM, LimberlostGirl said:

I wish I knew how to help my DH with his ptsd. He has an appointment next month at the VA. I will be going with him and hope we/me can find some support services. I miss my mate, my partner, my love. 

First and foremost... realize it is not your fault.  You did not cause it and you cannot cure it.  You can be supportive and not take it personally when he pulls back or gets angry.  Encourage him to be open with the VA, and reach out to others suffering also (there are support groups with the VA where he will find others that have been there, done that, and can relate).  My late husband was a Viet Nam vet who self medicated his PTSD with Alcohol for 40+ years and died from cirrhosis of the liver almost 10 years ago.  He refused to reach out for help because it wasn't "Manly".  Support his efforts where you can, and good luck,

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I am sorry about your husband @RecLucy. Thank you for the kind words and advice. My Dh also self medicates with alcohol and is in the early stages of cirrhosis. Like your Dh, mine refuses support group help. He did agree to try another anti-depressant. It has been a week and my fingers are crossed. 

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My BIL, also a Nam vet, just this past year began treatment for his war related PTSD- But he doesnt do support groups either- He forged close friendships, learned to play an instrument- He immerses himself, throws himself into whatever it is he is doing- Thats been his medicine all these years- He keeps a radio on at night and sleeps with a light on and has done so for decades- He's used distractions to get by- But he is living proof of whats possible, even if it took decades-

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On 4/26/2017 at 6:18 AM, RecLucy said:

First and foremost... realize it is not your fault.  You did not cause it and you cannot cure it.  You can be supportive and not take it personally when he pulls back or gets angry.  Encourage him to be open with the VA, and reach out to others suffering also (there are support groups with the VA where he will find others that have been there, done that, and can relate).  My late husband was a Viet Nam vet who self medicated his PTSD with Alcohol for 40+ years and died from cirrhosis of the liver almost 10 years ago.  He refused to reach out for help because it wasn't "Manly".  Support his efforts where you can, and good luck,

My heart goes out to both of you, ladies. Your DHs provided a wonderful service to this country (your BIL, too, Komo), and it's sad that it affected them this way.

11 hours ago, LimberlostGirl said:

I am sorry about your husband @RecLucy. Thank you for the kind words and advice. My Dh also self medicates with alcohol and is in the early stages of cirrhosis. Like your Dh, mine refuses support group help. He did agree to try another anti-depressant. It has been a week and my fingers are crossed. 

 

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Posted (edited)

I was at work and happened to be outside with customers. The man was working on something. The wife had just pulled up and we were talking. After a few minutes she asked if she "Could let her dog out. He's VERY friendly." I wasn't sure what to say, but was thinking these are older folks in their 70's so it must be a small dog, so say "Ummm, ok." Not two seconds later she yells at me, from her car around the corner (which I can't see and don't see the dog either) to "Watch out, he's a jumper!" SLAM, he smacks me in the face with his face (I have 2 pair of glasses on!), which BOTH hit my face. Ouch! This is no small dog but a large, overweight, Lab. So I keep my eyes on him. He comes running at me again and I push him away. No big deal really, just annoying. I try to keep my eye on the dog while talking to the woman. Then she said something and I turned toward her, took my eye off the dog for two seconds and BOOM, he slams me from the side and his face hits my cheek. She never even apologized nor did she try to get her dog to not jump on me.She didn't put him back in the car...NOTHING!  I just replied I needed to get back in the office and walked away.

I didn't really know how to deal with the woman, let alone HER dog. Some people are SO clueless! They should not be owners of dogs if they can't control their dog, not willing to spend time with basic training. This dog had ZERO training! What if I was someone who had back, hip, or knee issues? Yes, my back has been "out" and bothering me since this happened.

Edited by Cupcake55

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2 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

I was at work and happened to be outside with customers. The man was working on something. The wife had just pulled up and we were talking. After a few minutes she asked if she "Could let her dog out. He's VERY friendly." I wasn't sure what to say, but was thinking these are older folks in their 70's so it must be a small dog, so say "Ummm, ok." Not two seconds later she yells at me, from her car around the corner (which I can't see and don't see the dog either) to "Watch out, he's a jumper!" SLAM, he smacks me in the face with his face (I have 2 pair of glasses on!), which BOTH hit my face. Ouch! This is no small dog but a large, overweight, Lab. So I keep my eyes on him. He comes running at me again and I push him away. No big deal really, just annoying. I try to keep my eye on the dog while talking to the woman. Then she said something and I turned toward her, took my eye off the dog for two seconds and BOOM, he slams me from the side and his face hits my cheek. She never even apologized nor did she try to get her dog to not jump on me.She didn't put him back in the car...NOTHING!  I just replied I needed to get back in the office and walked away.

I didn't really know how to deal with the woman, let alone HER dog. Some people are SO clueless! They should not be owners of dogs if they can't control their dog, not willing to spend time with basic training. This dog had ZERO training! What if I was someone who had back, hip, or knee issues? Yes, my back has been "out" and bothering me since this happened.

I'm appalled by this. I'm a dog lover...don't have one now because I don't want to take the time to train/care for an animal. I do puppy sit for xDIL several times a year for the grandpup, an old, overweight chocolate Lab. I treat him like the gkids...he has to mind too. 

These people are not responsible pet guardians.

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Agree ^^ Not a fan of off the wall dogs, doesn't matter the size- Even the smallest of dogs can get all up in your face- Not a fan of allowing pets in stores either, any stores- Except for service dogs- Quite a few people don't offer apologies for their dog's behavior either- They offer excuses instead- 

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My SS is a selfish, controlling, self-centered, self-entitled, ungrateful, supreme sexist jerk and he ruined the family beach vacation. 

I booked the 3b/3ba condo 6 months ago after confirming with DIL. They had a large bedroom with two full beds and a sofa sleeper in the living room. DD and GS the small bedroom with a queen bed.

SS/family arrived first. He called to tell me that we may not want the master bedroom because it was connected to the balcony and I am afraid of heights and DH may get drunk and fall over. I told him it would be fine. 

When DH, DD, GS and I arrived, SS wanted DD/GS room. I said no and he said my arrangements were stupid. DD volunteered to give up her room to keep the peace.

It kinda snowballed from there.

They were all our guests and we paid for everything except fuel for their cars.

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, LimberlostGirl said:

My SS is a selfish, controlling, self-centered, self-entitled, ungrateful, supreme sexist jerk and he ruined the family beach vacation. 

I booked the 3b/3ba condo 6 months ago after confirming with DIL. They had a large bedroom with two full beds and a sofa sleeper in the living room. DD and GS the small bedroom with a queen bed.

SS/family arrived first. He called to tell me that we may not want the master bedroom because it was connected to the balcony and I am afraid of heights and DH may get drunk and fall over. I told him it would be fine. 

When DH, DD, GS and I arrived, SS wanted DD/GS room. I said no and he said my arrangements were stupid. DD volunteered to give up her room to keep the peace.

It kinda snowballed from there.

They were all our guests and we paid for everything except fuel for their cars.

 

 

 

I've heard this story time and again, and each time someone tells their version of it I've such a difficult time believing it .. and yet, it happens .. So many vacations bought and paid for nothing but tons of tension and turmoil .. Why anyone accepts to go that's not on board with the plans offered boggles my mind- Totally looking a gift horse in the mouth .. and then some .. sorry this happened to you folks .. serious bummer ..

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Wow !  sounds like it wasn't a great vacation !!  So kind of you to pay for everything for the guests  . .  I have a smaller family but whenever we've vacationed together ,,which has only been once since our son married years ago,   everyone pd their own way and  there were no problems.  Thankfully no one had a prob where bedrooms were concerned.   .   After your experience , maybe you would want to get to your destination FIRST ,,, so that you could plan where you think it would be best for everyone to sleep , after all, you are paying for it  , you should be able to decide who goes where  !!!.  They should be thrilled they are going on a vaca where there are no expenses except gas for their cars  .  Very sorry things went awry like that . 

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I hate extended family vacations, especially when it is all paid for by one person. That person expects everything to be their way. When I was single I was always given the couch or expected to babysit others kids. When married without kids we might be asked to still sleep on the couch so families get rooms. My extended family doesn't drink alcohol, coffee, tea, and they tried to tell us we couldn't have any, even when we bought it, because they were paying for the vacation. Instead of talking about the cooking and living arrangements and what activities we would do, we were told what we would do on our vacation: attend their church, eat the food they want, follow their diet restrictions, go where they want, etc. they were paying so my choice is to agree and go or don't go and be the one who disappoints the family.

Instead I now always happily pay for my own room and activities. Sometimes this means we make arrangements with the person planning it to pay for a share of the cabin rental and all other costs in exchange for a private room and an understanding that we will bring wine and a coffee machine and will be part of the planning process.  If they say no we rent a nearby cabin or hotel room or just don't attend.  I pay my airfare or travel. Family doesn't always like that we exercise our right to have our own private space, have our own rental car, sometimes we wish them a great time doing activity x while we do activity y. When we attend family vacations, which is only when we want to and not every time, we make sure to participate. We help with dishes during shared meals that we participate in and usually make a meal for everyone which we pay for.  But if they make a decision without us then it might be done without us. They can ask us to cook and discuss the meal plan, not tell us we are making dinner on Thursday. They can talk to us about room arrangements and negotiate how much we owe for the space but if it doesn't meet our needs we will get a hotel. They can plan on going to church event without kids, but they can't assume we will join them or babysit if we don't. 

in some families, not all, treating family to a vacation can be intentionally or unintentionally a power play. I avoid it by paying my own way or declining the offer. But I know I have been called a special snowflake because I won't just agree to the group plan. But I only get limited vacation days and I deserve to enjoy my vacation too. Of course this is my responsibility to talk to the organizer just as it is the organizers responsibilty to tell their guests what to expect.

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