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RoseRed135

Vent! Vent! Vent!

71 posts in this topic

Ive no idea how we vacationed without issue- No idea!  Looking back when I think of the different age groups, the crazy rotating sleeping arrangements that depended upon all the comings and goings of people on which days, oddly enough there was always enough food, towels, people willing to help out and make due- Some went to church, some hit the beach and others did their own thing- Some nights were quiet and others loud with laughter- There was no organizing! The rental started day x and ended day x- Whatever happened inbetween was weather permitting, everyone always found something do- The only thing etched in stone was that Mom wanted clean up duty, to pack the car the way she wanted for the drive home- Everyone kicked in during the week, but she wanted the place to look exactly as it did when we arrived, or better, for the next family- Granpa paid for the rental but the memories of those many years are priceless- He just wanted to do it for his family, for them to have fun-

@darkprincess .. you are not a snowflake for knowing what you want and whats best ..

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3 hours ago, Komorebi said:

Ive no idea how we vacationed without issue- No idea!  Looking back when I think of the different age groups, the crazy rotating sleeping arrangements that depended upon all the comings and goings of people on which days, oddly enough there was always enough food, towels, people willing to help out and make due- Some went to church, some hit the beach and others did their own thing- Some nights were quiet and others loud with laughter- There was no organizing! The rental started day x and ended day x- Whatever happened inbetween was weather permitting, everyone always found something do- The only thing etched in stone was that Mom wanted clean up duty, to pack the car the way she wanted for the drive home- Everyone kicked in during the week, but she wanted the place to look exactly as it did when we arrived, or better, for the next family- Granpa paid for the rental but the memories of those many years are priceless- He just wanted to do it for his family, for them to have fun-

@darkprincess .. you are not a snowflake for knowing what you want and whats best ..

I like the way your family did vacations, it sounds fun. I wish mine could have understood that we don't all have to do the same thing all the time.

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24 minutes ago, darkprincess said:

I like the way your family did vacations, it sounds fun. I wish mine could have understood that we don't all have to do the same thing all the time.

I can't do that at all! My sister joined me for part of my vacation this year...and while I enjoyed her company, she has quirks that are so irky to me. And she's the easiest for me to travel with! Fortunately for me, the things we missed are things that I've done before, so she's the one who missed out. 

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On 7/22/2017 at 7:22 PM, LimberlostGirl said:

My SS is a selfish, controlling, self-centered, self-entitled, ungrateful, supreme sexist jerk and he ruined the family beach vacation. 

I booked the 3b/3ba condo 6 months ago after confirming with DIL. They had a large bedroom with two full beds and a sofa sleeper in the living room. DD and GS the small bedroom with a queen bed.

SS/family arrived first. He called to tell me that we may not want the master bedroom because it was connected to the balcony and I am afraid of heights and DH may get drunk and fall over. I told him it would be fine. 

When DH, DD, GS and I arrived, SS wanted DD/GS room. I said no and he said my arrangements were stupid. DD volunteered to give up her room to keep the peace.

It kinda snowballed from there.

They were all our guests and we paid for everything except fuel for their cars.

 

 

 

So sorry that your vacation went sour, LLG! IMO, if you booked and paid for the condo, you had the right to decide who got which room - just as you would if you were putting everyone up in your own home. I must admit, IDKY SS' wanting the smaller room (have I got that right?) was a problem for anyone else (except maybe his own family). It seems to me it meant DD and GS got to have more space (again, if I'm reading correctly). But I see where his (apparently) trying to take over/be in charge would be a problem. I'm going to guess that this is how the issues "snowballed." Ugh! Again, so sorry.

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On 7/26/2017 at 11:46 PM, darkprincess said:

I like the way your family did vacations, it sounds fun. I wish mine could have understood that we don't all have to do the same thing all the time.

I highly doubt that we could pull this off now if we tried- I hate to use the cliche that those were different times, but they were in their own way- Maybe? Getting away and having fun was what everyone wanted but now it seems people are more about what they want than anything else, myself included- I've tried very hard not be this way .. very hard- But I am an epic fail in that department- I got to the point where I felt terribly bogged down with pleasing people, providing what they want and it simply never being enough -- or too much or ..   So, we've become the more recent version of do your own thing, which means we dont even venture to vacation together-

There were no nuclear family dynamics in play during those days, at least that I can recall- Even neighborhood kids came along some years- We acted as one big family living under one roof for a week or two, not separate families- Perhaps that's what made it work? I have absolutely no idea .. except that the idea of what a family vacation is has somehow changed lmao ..  My sister goes on cruises and talked about me going along with her with trepidation, like in a toying with the idea kind of an way LMAO .. and while I appreciated her "almost" thoughtfulness had she actually asked I'd have declined- When an invite has overtones of obligation instead of excited energy or genuine interest I decline-

It's the weirdest thing how not only when it comes to vacation people want what they want and also want you (general) to want it to- Again, I am guilty of this, too- But I never used to be! I have no idea what happened! I was the kind of teen that hopped on a bus to NYC alone if nobody wanted to go, to go to shows at CBGB's and other clubs- Today my husband and son are like come with us hiking, come along, or come watch this show, or try this food- Turn it around? Nah .. Theyre like I dont like to do that .. LMAO .. oi ..

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On Saturday, July 22, 2017 at 6:22 PM, LimberlostGirl said:

My SS is a selfish, controlling, self-centered, self-entitled, ungrateful, supreme sexist jerk and he ruined the family beach vacation. 

I booked the 3b/3ba condo 6 months ago after confirming with DIL. They had a large bedroom with two full beds and a sofa sleeper in the living room. DD and GS the small bedroom with a queen bed.

SS/family arrived first. He called to tell me that we may not want the master bedroom because it was connected to the balcony and I am afraid of heights and DH may get drunk and fall over. I told him it would be fine. 

When DH, DD, GS and I arrived, SS wanted DD/GS room. I said no and he said my arrangements were stupid. DD volunteered to give up her room to keep the peace.

It kinda snowballed from there.

They were all our guests and we paid for everything except fuel for their cars

Next time you might consider giving the trip without attending. Merely a gift of a vacation. 

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1 minute ago, PattyGram said:

Next time you might consider giving the trip without attending. Merely a gift of a vacation. 

That's an awesome idea, IMO!

But perhaps part of the fun for LLG was knowing they were all going to be together?

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I want Calgon to take me away. I need a vacation from life! Thank you!

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5 hours ago, angelgirl61 said:

I want Calgon to take me away. I need a vacation from life! Thank you!

(((Hugs!)))

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Hi I want to vent, politely about my daughter.

She doesn't want a relationship with me. And

that's one thing, but she has 2 children who

will never know me because, I believe,

...her lack of reconciling/wanting a relationship.

How many times have you heard..."you'll

never see your grandchildren", using it as a

perpetual threat. But yes, no reconciliation

with the daughter.....and how does that effect

the relationship with the grands? Is this her 

fault? Thanks.......Carl

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Posted (edited)

14 hours ago, cbeigle54 said:

Hi I want to vent, politely about my daughter.

She doesn't want a relationship with me. And

that's one thing, but she has 2 children who

will never know me because, I believe,

...her lack of reconciling/wanting a relationship.

How many times have you heard..."you'll

never see your grandchildren", using it as a

perpetual threat. But yes, no reconciliation

with the daughter.....and how does that effect

the relationship with the grands? Is this her 

fault? Thanks.......Carl

Cbeigle54, I'm so deeply sorry about your estrangement from your daughter and her children! But I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to vent about it here. Welcome!

If it's any comfort at all, you're not alone. Many GPs have come to these boards in similar situations.

Is this her fault?

By this ^^^^, I think you mean, "Is the CO (cut off) from the GC (grandchildren) her fault?" Have I got that right? If so, it's hard to answer w/o more details of what prompted the CO (you don't have to give them, of course). Sometimes, it's as simple-though-sad a matter of the difficulty of scheduling visits - it can be hard to plan visits w/ the GC when the parents and GPs aren't speaking. In other cases, of course, it's more complex than that.

Hoping your daughter changes her mind, at some point, and does want to reconcile. Also hope you keep in touch w/ us.

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135
to change a word

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Posted (edited)

12 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Cbeigle54, I'm so deeply sorry about your estrangement from your daughter and her children! But I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to vent about it here. Welcome!

If it's any comfort at all, you're not alone. Many GPs have come to these boards in similar situations.

Is this her fault?

By this ^^^^, I think you mean, "Is the CO (cut off) from the GC (grandchildren) her fault?" Have I got that right? If so, it's hard to answer w/o more details of what prompted the CO (you don't have to give them, of course). Sometimes, it's as simple-though-sad a matter of the difficulty of scheduling visits - it can be hard to plan visits w/ the GC when the parents and GPs aren't speaking. In other cases, of course, it's more complex than that.

Hoping your daughter changes her mind, at some point, and does want to reconcile. Also hope you keep in touch w/ us.

 

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135
to reflect edit in quoted post

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Respectfully, as many times as I know parents have threatened

with "you'll never see your grandchildren again"...it's hard for me

to understand how the relationship with the grands WOULDN'T

be determined by the relationship with the children. A lot of 

children DO hold it over their parent's head as a threat. In

my particular situation, my daughter hasn't made the  first

honest effort to reconcile. I'm not saying that to be mean.

I'm saying it because it's the truth.

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1 hour ago, cbeigle54 said:

Respectfully, as many times as I know parents have threatened

with "you'll never see your grandchildren again"...it's hard for me

to understand how the relationship with the grands WOULDN'T

be determined by the relationship with the children. A lot of 

children DO hold it over their parent's head as a threat. In

my particular situation, my daughter hasn't made the  first

honest effort to reconcile. I'm not saying that to be mean.

I'm saying it because it's the truth.

Have you made any effort to reconcile?  

Anonymous poster hash: e4647...4ab

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Posted (edited)

cbeigle54, I am so sorry you are estranged from your daughter and her children.  About five years ago, our daughter and her husband separated.  DD insisted that we "take her side" and we did support her even helped financially over Christmas.  The week their divorce was to be final, they got back together.  She had shared too much information especially with her dad that he still can't welcome SIL back into our home.  We are very low contact with DD and her family now.  As a result, we see our teenaged granddaughter very seldom, but she has spent two separate weeks here with us this summer.

Maybe you could put out a few "feelers" with your daughter and see if she is willing to try to reconcile.  Your relationship will probably never be as close as you hope, but it might be better than now.  If your DD tells you to back off, I'd do that for the time being anyway.

If you "know" you have something to apologize for, now might be a good time to extend a true apology but be sure you don't come off as doing so as a stepping stone to the grandkids.  It is very important to re-establish a relationship with your DD before expecting contact with her children.  I'm sure you can understand not wanting your kids spending time with someone that you yourself refuse to spend time with.

Edited by SueSTx
to add a thought
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Carl, That is a really hard situation to be in. IMO it would depend on why the lack of relationship? Why the disconnect? Some times people become estranged because of things that CAN be worked out if both sides are willing. Apologies go a long way, even if you were not the person at fault. I know that i have apologized to my adult daughter even tho I did nothing wrong but she in her perspective, I did. I figured it was better to apologize for what ever it was she thought I did so that I could stay in contact with her and my young grand daughter, both of whom I love very much, 

If you are posting this questions,than I have to assume that you want a relationship with your child and the grand kids. Instead of viewing it as a threat, maybe seeing it as a cry for help? She must be angry with you for something if she is threatening you. Do you know why? Is this something that you want to fix??

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11 hours ago, cbeigle54 said:

..it's hard for me

to understand how the relationship with the grands WOULDN'T

be determined by the relationship with the children

Agreed. In fact, no doubt, the relationship between the adults probably needs to be fixed before the GP/GC relationship can be resumed. Does it really matter who makes "the first honest effort?" Could you bring yourself to be the one to reach out, as PPs (previous posters) have suggested (perhaps you've already tried)?

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To answer everyone's question regarding effort....yes, I have tried.

When I left her mom, honestly...I don't believe everything said about

me was positive, so there was THAT to deal with.

 

In 2010, when my daughter graduated from HS, I sent her a round

trip ticket to come see me and my new wife, as she lived in Va

and I in NY. When she got here she was entirely rude and disrepect-

ful to me and my wife especially. So yes, I made an effort to make a

new connection with her, and she kicked dirt on my wife and I.

Since then, it was like I was obsessed with my daughter, trying to

connect, and yet was always disrespected. My wife had brought

this to my attention more than once. She insinuated that my daughter

considered it a game, pulling my chain whenever she wanted to,

so I have since stopped....hopefully. So I hope that answers

questions about efforts on my part :)

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Posted (edited)

Thanks for filling us in further, cbeigle!  Yes, it definitely seems as if you've made a lot of effort. Unfortunately, it sounds like your daughter took a side in the divorce - her mom's. Or maybe when you "left her mom," she, unfortunately, looked at it as if you were rejecting her, too (I know you weren't - just saying she might have felt that way). And yes, sad to say, perhaps your XW (ex-wife) made some negative comments about you... sigh...

If you left your XW for your new wife - or if you met her soon after you left - your D (daughter - I realize you might not feel as if she is a DD - dear daughter right now) may harbor some resentment towards her, too. That might account for D's being "rude and disrespectful" to both you and DW (dear wife). Doesn't make D's behavior right, but it might explain it. (But I'm sure you realize all this.)

If any of what I've said is the case, IDKY (I don't know why) D even agreed to make the visit. Perhaps she didn't realize how she would feel/act until she was there. Regardless, I'm so sorry about it all.

She insinuated that my daughter

considered it a game, pulling my chain whenever she wanted to,

so I have since stopped....hopefully.

Does this mean that D has contacted you occasionally or responded when you contacted her? And that you're the one who has totally broken off contact (so far, anyhow)? Perhaps b/c you felt that, when you reached out to her...

...(You were) always disrespected.

Again, I know you just came in here to vent. But would you feel comfortable telling us in what ways D has "disrespected" you over time? I'm thinking that you and she might have different ideas of what is and isn't "respect"/"disrespect," and that some of the tensions between you may be due to simple misunderstandings. Maybe not, but it's a thought.

Be that as if may, no doubt, this situation hurts very much. Again, my heart goes out to you.

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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On 3/22/2017 at 6:18 PM, LimberlostGirl said:

I wish I knew how to help my DH with his ptsd. He has an appointment next month at the VA. I will be going with him and hope we/me can find some support services. I miss my mate, my partner, my love. 

I know how you feel, my husband has severe PTSD from Viet Nam. He saw a Dr.  but got mad when he found out he had no military experience and stopped seeing him and as no new Dr. He gets some compensation and we wrote for an increase and in my letter I actually wrote , I know I can't but  "I want the boy I married back that I gave you when we were 17, not the man you sent home to me damaged at 21." My heart aches for him every single day for the turmoil his mind is going through because of what he saw and did. 

Thank your husband for his service, and my best to both of you from a wife suffering in her own way.  

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On 3/27/2017 at 0:13 PM, Oranges said:

Work irk:  My co-worker, completely across the way from me (about 75 feet) talks so loud on her phone I can hear every. word. she. says.  Mind you, we are both in offices, not cubicles.

Man irk: 1.Bedroom door is closest to his side of the bed. He takes off his shoes and leaves them right there between the bed and the dresser.  I'm forever tripping over them. 2. Never hangs wash cloth. 3. Leaves dinner plate on the counter instead of the sink. 4. Might add a pinch of seasoning and stir a pot of something I'm cooking, then tries to take credit for the whole meal. Or make ONE dish and will take credit for all of it. 5. Will call to ask his mother how to cook something and I'm standing right there. (Trust me, I can throw down in the kitchen)

Vent over...for now :)

 

#4 . Is just what my husband does.  Drives me crazy! So nice to know I am not the only one

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