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RoseRed135

Vent! Vent! Vent!

112 posts in this topic

To be honest @amigrandma I don't think I'd spend "a few days" in my child's IL's home either and I like all the ILs. Personality-wise I'm an 'ambivert' who can take others for certain periods of time then I'm so done. I require solitude, which is very hard to find in someone else's home. That makes me a difficult houseguest, so I don't generally put that on someone's hospitality. 

Try not to take it personally....DS may not know how to interpret his MIL...

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@amigrandma - BTW, there has been an upgrade in this community since you were here last. You might want to check out how your options have changed/improved (mostly) since then:

 

 

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thanks for the replies and support that i always find here.  my constant concern is how my grands perceive me. my dil mom is with them constantly; as i stated she stays with them for weeks at a time. she is probably more like a second mom.  i see them more often now than i was allowed to when my first grand was born.  i know my dil and i have progressed. at least it seems that way.  it was just jarring to hear that her mom doesn't feel comfortable with us.  i fear the grandchildren hear negative about me or us and wish i had control over that.  i understand that i can just show them me when i do spend time with them and hope they see my love and reciprocate that into their feelings for me.

i find myself just always jealous and it's hard to turn that off.  and now, knowing dil mom feels negatively about us, just adds another layer.  she doesn't celebrate christmas and when she came one year to celebrate with us she just said over and over that it was too much - too much food, too many presents.  she and i seemed to be fine until the babies came.  she is very much in charge when we visit and she is there. she even bosses my son and her own daughter around.

after writing this, i find i am glad she didn't come!    thanks ladies!!!!

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Lack of sunshine... and it's winter. The two tend to always have a way of getting me down. Gosh, and we're not even into the month of January.

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I'm not venting .. I'm just wondering .. why .. do people who visit art museums and cultural areas and gatherings have that certain .. something .. opposed to the folks who kind of just amble through stables at county and state fairs and don't care if they're noticed .. ?

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22 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

I'm not venting .. I'm just wondering .. why .. do people who visit art museums and cultural areas and gatherings have that certain .. something .. opposed to the folks who kind of just amble through stables at county and state fairs and don't care if they're noticed .. ?

I do both....with no expectation (or interest) of being noticed

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On 12/30/2017 at 1:02 AM, Mame925 said:

I do both....with no expectation (or interest) of being noticed

Me too -- I think ..

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I hope I am a well rounded person and do can both/either without being a "look at me" personality.

 

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I've never had a "look at me" attitude (ever). So proud I am of how I am as a person. Materialism, possession... don't care to be around those who have a hang-up with it... don't want those around me who have it.  

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I don't go to the museum or the fair in my chore clothes, my hair is combed and i wear makeup & clothes suited to the occasion. Opening night at a new exhibit requires a step up in how you present yourself. On a regular day, not so much.

If I'm going to see George Strait, boots & jeans are fine...to the opera, not so much...

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42 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

I don't go to the museum or the fair in my chore clothes, my hair is combed and i wear makeup & clothes suited to the occasion. Opening night at a new exhibit requires a step up in how you present yourself. On a regular day, not so much.

If I'm going to see George Strait, boots & jeans are fine...to the opera, not so much...

We go casual to the museum. To *us*, causal is clean, tidy, but probably jeans and a shirt...and we've never gone to opening night of anything, lol! Fairs...any we've gone to are a 'come as you are' event, I don't think I've ever noticed anyone dressed up. But then, we don't go out in public in our 'chore clothes', so I'm a bit confused by that to start with.

We don't dress up for it. Maybe it's dependant on where you go? The museums I've gone to are the same ones that schools take kids to, so it's not a 'dress up' occasion.

That being said, I was pretty appalled when I took Diva to see Cats performing and there were ppl there wearing beer tank tops and ripped jeans.

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My point, maybe, is this: Do museum goers / art gawkers always dress "that way" or don't they? Not a judgement call, just something one (me) wonders when I watch the wardrobes go by ..

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Unless it's opening night of an exhibit, museums are tourist spots...tourists wear what tourists wear and everyone should be good with it. I went to the Louvre in jeans with no repercussions...I looked like everyone else.

Going to theater would make me take it up a notch, even when I chaperoned the high school kids to an evening performance...they made an effort as well. But I've seen those people Imp is talking about...slogan Tshirts don't belong.

Common sense would tell you not to wear your chore clothes out of the yard, but there a good number of people who don't know that.

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Amigrandma - this may not happen the same for you, but it could...  My mom is the paternal gma to my brother's kiddos.   When kiddos were small, much time was spent at maternal gma's place - including keeping them if needed.  That dynamic has been totally flipped over - they rarely are there now (issues, I'm sure, but don't know details).  Kiddos are young adults making their own way now, but will come on their own now.  The young years were kinda missed, but they'll be adults a lot longer.

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On 12/30/2017 at 0:39 AM, Komorebi said:

I'm not venting .. I'm just wondering .. why .. do people who visit art museums and cultural areas and gatherings have that certain .. something .. opposed to the folks who kind of just amble through stables at county and state fairs and don't care if they're noticed .. ?

On 12/27/2017 at 11:29 AM, amigrandma said:

christmas vent here.  son and family spent a few days with us this year - so nice and we are thankful to spend time with them.

it turns out his mil was staying with them, as she does a lot (she lives 5 hrs away but stays with them for wks when she visits). when he told me she was at their place, i asked why she didn't come for the holiday.  his answer, she doesn't feel comfortable here.

this triggers major confidence issues for me.  i just don't understand and can't seem to let it go.  this would explain my daughter in laws disdain for me.  but i can't understand why?

i thought my dil and i were moving ahead in our relationship - she seems more open to me.  she asked me to babysit recently, twice!

my son said he didn't want to talk about it when i responded with what's the problem?  

any advice to moving on and letting this go?   makes me so sad, again, to think of what is being said in front of my grandchildren about me while son's mil is with them

 

 

amigrandma,

The tone of your post is very telling. For example, "so nice and we are thankful to spend time with them." Thankful, to me, means pleased or relieved. 

Not sure what "it turns out" MIL was staying with them means other than to place blame. As you said, she stays with them for weeks when she visits. Perhaps she didn't come for the holiday to give you time with DS and his family? I see that this triggers 'major confidence' issues for you but it does not demonstrate your DIL's disdain for you. She asked you to babysit for her! As a mom I would never ask someone I had disdain for to watch my children.

I do not know your history or that of your family. Based on what you share, it might be time to reflect and think deeply.

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On 12/29/2017 at 11:44 AM, amigrandma said:

thanks for the replies and support that i always find here.  my constant concern is how my grands perceive me. my dil mom is with them constantly; as i stated she stays with them for weeks at a time. she is probably more like a second mom.  i see them more often now than i was allowed to when my first grand was born.  i know my dil and i have progressed. at least it seems that way.  it was just jarring to hear that her mom doesn't feel comfortable with us.  i fear the grandchildren hear negative about me or us and wish i had control over that.  i understand that i can just show them me when i do spend time with them and hope they see my love and reciprocate that into their feelings for me.

i find myself just always jealous and it's hard to turn that off.  and now, knowing dil mom feels negatively about us, just adds another layer.  she doesn't celebrate christmas and when she came one year to celebrate with us she just said over and over that it was too much - too much food, too many presents.  she and i seemed to be fine until the babies came.  she is very much in charge when we visit and she is there. she even bosses my son and her own daughter around.

after writing this, i find i am glad she didn't come!    thanks ladies!!!!

I really wouldn't worry about what your DIL's mother is or isn't doing, or the why behind any of it. Not everyone is going to like everyone, or be comfortable w/them. That's just human nature, and doesn't mean that she's maliciously working behind the scenes to cause trouble. How she behaves in their home is something they need to deal with, as they see fit.

Your DIL isn't her mother, so don't view them as having the same ideas/opinions.

5 hours ago, Komorebi said:

My point, maybe, is this: Do museum goers / art gawkers always dress "that way" or don't they? Not a judgement call, just something one (me) wonders when I watch the wardrobes go by ..

I'm genuinely confused. I've never known there was a 'that way' to dress, when it came to museum/gallery patrons, unless it was a special event.

I'll be honest, though: any time I've been at a museum or gallery, I've been too busy being awed by what exhibits were present to pay attention to what folks were wearing. I'm a bit of a history/science/art nerd, so for me, it's an all encompassing experience, and people only register on my radar as obstacles to be dodged or line up behind or wrangle, if I've got the Minions in tow. Fortunately Wolf is well aware of my nerdiness, so he tends to wrangle them more in that setting, b/c I get distracted and loses her focus frequently to a stunning exhibit or six. The best is when he and I go, on a date, and bring the kids another time. *happy sigh*

Speaking of, I really need to find a good one around here...I haven't been in far too long.

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12 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

I really wouldn't worry about what your DIL's mother is or isn't doing, or the why behind any of it. Not everyone is going to like everyone, or be comfortable w/them. That's just human nature, and doesn't mean that she's maliciously working behind the scenes to cause trouble. How she behaves in their home is something they need to deal with, as they see fit.

Your DIL isn't her mother, so don't view them as having the same ideas/opinions.

I'm genuinely confused. I've never known there was a 'that way' to dress, when it came to museum/gallery patrons, unless it was a special event.

I'll be honest, though: any time I've been at a museum or gallery, I've been too busy being awed by what exhibits were present to pay attention to what folks were wearing. I'm a bit of a history/science/art nerd, so for me, it's an all encompassing experience, and people only register on my radar as obstacles to be dodged or line up behind or wrangle, if I've got the Minions in tow. Fortunately Wolf is well aware of my nerdiness, so he tends to wrangle them more in that setting, b/c I get distracted and loses her focus frequently to a stunning exhibit or six. The best is when he and I go, on a date, and bring the kids another time. *happy sigh*

Speaking of, I really need to find a good one around here...I haven't been in far too long.

Just went the other day but it was so crowded and the wait time to get in to the exhibit was 2 hours- It will still be there after the holidays, speaking of which, Happy New Year -- to you, to all of you-

 

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14 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

Just went the other day but it was so crowded and the wait time to get in to the exhibit was 2 hours- It will still be there after the holidays, speaking of which, Happy New Year -- to you, to all of you-

 

Yeah, we *never* go during 'busy season'. Not around holidays, not on weekends or school breaks, and we've been known to turn around and leave if we spot a horde of school buses in the area. One of the benefits of homeschooling.

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14 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

Yeah, we *never* go during 'busy season'. Not around holidays, not on weekends or school breaks, and we've been known to turn around and leave if we spot a horde of school buses in the area. One of the benefits of homeschooling.

That would be my way to do it...have a 'date' to explore the exhibit then come back on another day with the minions...you are familiar with the exhibit so able to lead the discussions...

There was a "Summer of Love, 1967" exhibit here...I went with some girlfriends (summer of '67 we were heading into out sophomore year of high school). We related to everything. It was the summer I saw Grateful Dead, for free, in the panhandle of Golden Gate Park...good times. Really good to share that with these particular people...followed by dinner at Cafe ChaChaCha in the Haight...

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2 hours ago, Mame925 said:

That would be my way to do it...have a 'date' to explore the exhibit then come back on another day with the minions...you are familiar with the exhibit so able to lead the discussions...

There was a "Summer of Love, 1967" exhibit here...I went with some girlfriends (summer of '67 we were heading into out sophomore year of high school). We related to everything. It was the summer I saw Grateful Dead, for free, in the panhandle of Golden Gate Park...good times. Really good to share that with these particular people...followed by dinner at Cafe ChaChaCha in the Haight...

What did ya wear? :)

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39 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

What did ya wear? :)

For the afternoon in GGP cutoffs & peasant top I'm sure...afterall it's San Francisco in the 60s...

To the exhibit I'm not sure, but my usual is appropriate for the event...long pants (unlikely jeans), knit top of some sort (not a generic t-shirt) and cute shoes...with coordinating accessories...

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23 hours ago, Nana-mom said:

Amigrandma - this may not happen the same for you, but it could...  My mom is the paternal gma to my brother's kiddos.   When kiddos were small, much time was spent at maternal gma's place - including keeping them if needed.  That dynamic has been totally flipped over - they rarely are there now (issues, I'm sure, but don't know details) Kiddos are young adults making their own way now, but will come on their own now.  The young years were kinda missed, but they'll be adults a lot longer.

Or maybe they"rarely are there now" for the very reason that they are "young adults" and have other things going on in their lives. I almost hate to say it, but as kids get older, it seems to me, GPs often go "on the back burner" of their lives, as parents sometimes do, for a while, as well.

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On 12/29/2017 at 10:44 AM, amigrandma said:

thanks for the replies and support that i always find here.  my constant concern is how my grands perceive me. my dil mom is with them constantly; as i stated she stays with them for weeks at a time. she is probably more like a second mom.  i see them more often now than i was allowed to when my first grand was born.  i know my dil and i have progressed. at least it seems that way.  it was just jarring to hear that her mom doesn't feel comfortable with us.  i fear the grandchildren hear negative about me or us and wish i had control over that.  i understand that i can just show them me when i do spend time with them and hope they see my love and reciprocate that into their feelings for me.

Hmmm... Just b/c MGM doesn't feel comfortable coming to your house, doesn't necessarily mean she has a negative attitude towards you in general. And even if she does, hopefully, she's wise enough not to talk about that to/in front of the kids. You can't possibly know what she does or doesn't say, so please "don't borrow trouble." It will only aggravate you in the end.

i find myself just always jealous and it's hard to turn that off.  and now, knowing dil mom feels negatively about us, just adds another layer.  she doesn't celebrate christmas and when she came one year to celebrate with us she just said over and over that it was too much - too much food, too many presents. Well, there you are! She doesn't celebrate Christmas - and, perhaps, for that reason, found the whole event "too much." Maybe that's why she wouldn't "feel comfortable." Some people, after all, find it hard to adapt to other people's customs. Or her attitude may reflect deep-seated religious beliefs. But. regardless, it's not likely to change.  So probably better, IMO, for everyone that she didn't join you.

she and i seemed to be fine until the babies came.  she is very much in charge when we visit and she is there. she even bosses my son and her own daughter around.

Whoa! I bet DS and DIL aren't too happy w/ MGM's behavior, even though, apparently, they put up w/ it "for weeks at a time." I imagine they appreciate your more respecful attitude, even if they don't express that. There are probably more issues between them and MGM than you know. But whether there are or not. please just enjoy the time you have w/ your grands, and as such, I'm sure they will, too.

after writing this, i find i am glad she didn't come!    thanks ladies!!!!

Glad that venting and talking w/ us was helpful, Ami! And thanks for letting us know that!

 

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Rose - yes they do, but you misunderstand the post - these kiddos will even avoid the other gma - as in leave a store.  So it's a bit more than 'busy'....

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Most older teens and young adults don't want to be seen with the adults in their lives by other kids their age.

Also, even if invited when the PGM is visiting my DIL and the grands. I usually decline my invitation because they are long distance compared to us and they need the kids undivided attention.  I'll take my "turn" when they aren't there.  It has nothing to do with the other grandma...she is a very nice lady and I love to talk to her but what little time she does have with the kids, she shouldn't have to share.

If it is a "special once in a lifetime" occasion being celebrated...I will attend, extend my congratulations and slip away with a city errand needing done and get back home before dark.

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