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noomanann

Advice please on expressing boundaries

7 posts in this topic

My Older sister is ill and I had her stay with us for 12 nights in my daughters room, my daughter is 19 and on the autism spectrum and if you know the spectrum structured routine is paramount, so she was very displaced and I felt she has taken 8 steps back. During all this my dear son has asked to live home with his partner a  9 month old and 2 and 1/2 year old for 4 months to save for a deposit for a home, they want the dream. My older son lives home 3 nights a week and is out of work since christmas. I dont feel like we have the room. I am a stresshead since always and am an introvert, so I would become overwhelmed quite quickly. My daughter is my main concern, she is high functioning but to the point of extremely socially anxious even with her brothers. My 2 1/2 yr grand daughter would run rings around my daughter and practically can when they visit, 2 1/2 year old slams her bedroom door and a picture frame fell, cause door slamming was so hard, I have even gotten tired of 12 days of my sisters stay, so 4 more for 4 months would definitely be a breaker for me and definitely my daughter.

My problem is expressing this without feeling a consequence, as I've said in a previous post here, I have lost family members in the past when trying to use my boundaries and dont want my grandchildren held back from me as a result of not helping out. I did feel a strain there when we declined a request of 'guarantor' for a $10k loan last year. I have real trouble saying what I want and what I dont. I dont even know how to proceed with this discussion with them. I appreciate any advice, with thanks. 

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"I'm sorry, that just isn't gonna work for us,"

I do know how hard it is to tell extended family NO ...I had to do it last night and if it causes a rift, I'm sorry.  Sometimes I wonder why it seems normal for the younger generation to have boundaries, but when we the parents of AC/grandparents are not expected to have any boundaries on our own lives.

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11 hours ago, SueSTx said:

"I'm sorry, that just isn't gonna work for us,"

 

This ^^^^. If DS asks why it won't work, you can just say it's "too much" for you to have that many people living in your home (you don't have to say if it's b/c of DD or your introversion or whatever). Or you could just repeat, "It just won't work."   It's your home - you don't really have to give him a detailed explanation of your decision.

Unfortunately, It might cause a rift.. But, clearly, having them move in w/ you would cause a lot of tension and as such, might lead to a rift, anyway. Keeping that in mind might make it easier to say no.

Edited by RoseRed135
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On 3/25/2017 at 1:44 PM, noomanann said:

My Older sister is ill and I had her stay with us for 12 nights in my daughters room, my daughter is 19 and on the autism spectrum and if you know the spectrum structured routine is paramount, so she was very displaced and I felt she has taken 8 steps back. During all this my dear son has asked to live home with his partner a  9 month old and 2 and 1/2 year old for 4 months to save for a deposit for a home, they want the dream. My older son lives home 3 nights a week and is out of work since christmas. I dont feel like we have the room. I am a stresshead since always and am an introvert, so I would become overwhelmed quite quickly. My daughter is my main concern, she is high functioning but to the point of extremely socially anxious even with her brothers. My 2 1/2 yr grand daughter would run rings around my daughter and practically can when they visit, 2 1/2 year old slams her bedroom door and a picture frame fell, cause door slamming was so hard, I have even gotten tired of 12 days of my sisters stay, so 4 more for 4 months would definitely be a breaker for me and definitely my daughter.

My problem is expressing this without feeling a consequence, as I've said in a previous post here, I have lost family members in the past when trying to use my boundaries and dont want my grandchildren held back from me as a result of not helping out. I did feel a strain there when we declined a request of 'guarantor' for a $10k loan last year. I have real trouble saying what I want and what I dont. I dont even know how to proceed with this discussion with them. I appreciate any advice, with thanks. 

I think for some family, some explanation could be in order, if only to keep the rift/strain to a minimum. Does your son with family who wants to move in for 4 months realize any of the red above? Does he realize the effect his family would have on yours? I think the biggest issue is do you have the room for the 4 extra people? Is your home childproof?

If you have the means and do say no to them moving in, maybe you have a different "yes" you can give him. Maybe help him come up with the deposit or...?

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@noomanann - Did you talk to DS yet? If so, how did it go?

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It seems to me that you have your hands full with your situation as it is now.  Adding people to your household may just be the straw that broke the camel's back.  Remember if you overwhelm yourself and crash, you won't be there to help anyone.  I agree that a kind, simple "moving in just won't work", and then helping as you can while keeping adequate resources (mental, phyisical, and financial) to ensure low stress for you and your daughter.

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On 15/04/2017 at 9:32 PM, RoseRed135 said:

@noomanann - Did you talk to DS yet? If so, how did it go?

Hi @RoseRed135, we just said, we are not asking other son to move out, he is home half the week and suggested they might try renting that is not so exspensive. Thanks for the support, it means a great deal to run things by this board. This nanna stuff and DIL thing is a hard one to navigate. 

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