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Sadinpa

I'm banned from seeing my grandchildren

14 posts in this topic

Quote

I'm very depressed  

 

Edited by RoseRed135
to remove identifying information in the edit line

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I see that you have been a member for many years.  I am sorry that this rift in your family has caused you to be depressed.  This winter has been pretty depressing around my home also.

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This was a long hard winter, spring will be much better.

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

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Though winter can be a depressing time for some, your title suggests that your sadness has been triggered by your being CO (cut off) from your GC (grandchildren). That must be very painful! No wonder you're so unhappy. (((Hugs!)))

Please rest assured that you are not the only GP to come here w/ this complaint. It was very wise of you, IMO, to bring your troubles to us. We may be able to help get you through it. Please feel free to tell us more about your situation and how it came about whenever you're ready. Welcome!

Meanwhile, I've sent you a PM (personal/private message). To find it, just click on the the envelope icon in the upper right corner of the page. Thank you.

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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I find winter in general long and depressing, and I am sorry this has happened.

"Grief is like an Ocean,

it comes in waves ebbing and flowing.

Sometimes the water is calm,

and sometimes it is overwhelming.

All we can do is learn to swim."

-Vicki Harrison.

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@Sadinpa - I notice you included a tag that says "son is addict." If you feel comfortable answering, is he the one keeping you from your grands? Also, do you have any contact w/ them at all?

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Our daughter married into a very ethnic family almost cult like.  She broke her engagement three times before beating her sister to the altar.  Left three more times after they had their first child.  So much has happened since their marriage five years ago and much has to do with her next door inlaws.  The family is manipulative, controlling and liars.  Our daughter has now become like them and her husband.  She has been isolated from many of her friends and now her sister and my husband n I.  We adore our granddaughters and miss them.  So far we are still invited to birthday parties and they came for Christmas and hopefully Easter.  We fear that will end too.  He is slowly removing all her real support and islotating her by overwhelming her with their daughtes, home business, home, etc. She is pregnant with number and if this one is not a boy, there will be a fourth until they have the boy.  He does very little at home and says that is woman's work.  His family concrete n waterproofing business means everything.  He has been brought up to be a workaholic and money miser.  We do not know how to stop this progression.  She has blocked her phone from me and her dad.  She has cut off communication with her family.  None of this is our daughter.  Help?

Edited by Baz45

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Baz, I'm sorry you found our site under such a situation.  I know how hard it is to step back and let our adult children make their own mistakes, but really, there isn't much we can do to prevent them from doing so.

She broke off her engagement three times and has left three times since the wedding, apparently she is aware that they have issues...how have you approached this situation?  I know from personal experience that it is sometimes best to "stay out of it".  My DD and her husband separated for a time.  He moved back in the day they were to go to court.  We've been very low contact since.  I think she is embarrassed that she shared so much with us and now it is hard for her Dad to get past what he has been told.

You say that your daughter has blocked you from her phone, Does she ever contact you?  Be grateful that you still see them for birthdays and Christmas, some long distance families would be thrilled to get that.

As to the 'none of this is our daughter'...  Having a young family, a home business, being pregnant and taking care of a home when you have a workaholic husband can be very time consuming and isolating.  Is "life" what is causing her isolation or do you have any reason to believe that he is intentionally separating her from all her friends and family?  As to the money miser, we were self employed until retirement and let me tell you, is you aren't tight with the money you can get into financial trouble before you can blink.  Operating on borrowed money and then living a life style above your means is not good business.

 

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On 4/1/2017 at 8:22 AM, Baz45 said:

Our daughter married into a very ethnic family almost cult like.  She broke her engagement three times before beating her sister to the altar.  Left three more times after they had their first child.  So much has happened since their marriage five years ago and much has to do with her next door inlaws.  The family is manipulative, controlling and liars.  Our daughter has now become like them and her husband.  She has been isolated from many of her friends and now her sister and my husband n I.  We adore our granddaughters and miss them.  So far we are still invited to birthday parties and they came for Christmas and hopefully Easter.  We fear that will end too.  He is slowly removing all her real support and islotating her by overwhelming her with their daughtes, home business, home, etc. She is pregnant with number and if this one is not a boy, there will be a fourth until they have the boy.  He does very little at home and says that is woman's work.  His family concrete n waterproofing business means everything.  He has been brought up to be a workaholic and money miser.  We do not know how to stop this progression.  She has blocked her phone from me and her dad.  She has cut off communication with her family.  None of this is our daughter.  Help?

Welcome Baz45! I'm so deeply sorry about your concerns but glad that you brought them to us. We generally ask members not to hijack someone else' thread for their own question However, since the OP (original poster) does not seem ready to discuss her situation here any further, I can see why you felt it was ok to post your plea for "help" here. *

It must be very difficult to see DD (dear daughter) in a marriage that you feel is not good for her. And it must be very hurtful to feel that your time w/ DD and your GDs (granddaughters) is limited. My heart is w/ you. Since your DD and SIL (son-in-law) clearly have had some issues in the past, I can see all the more why you and DH (dear husband) would be worried.

Perhaps you can find some comfort in this possibility -  they may have cut back contact w/ some friends and family so that they can focus on working out any lingering problems.. Also, they may feel that well-meaning advice (if any has been given) from others just makes things harder for them, which might account for the decrease in communication. Same if anyone has tried to convince them to increase contact where they've cut down.

The good news is that you, DH and your other DD still get to see DD and family. You are not totally CO (cut off). Nor is married DD totally "isolated" I know it may not seem like enough to you...sigh... But I think it may be better to just enjoy the time you do get w/ the married DD and GC and avoid pushing for more. Otherwise, rather than "stop this progression," you may, inadvertently, further it, which I know you don't want to happen.

 

* Different, of course, if the thread opened with a general question, such as "Are you estranged from your adult son or daughter?" And ok to share own experiences as a way of commiserating with or advising the OP.

Edited by RoseRed135
punctuation
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P.S. I'm not sure what you mean by "very ethnic" since we all, as I understand it, belong to one ethnic group or another. I'm guessing you mean that SIL's  and his parents" culture is very different from that of most of the people you know and that they are very into it. Have I got that right? That might account for some of his attitudes, such as the idea that housework, etc. is "women's work." DD may have chosen to accept that or it may be an issue they're still working on.

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DD married into a very culturally different family. She makes it work for her, but that's her personality. Sil's family adores her. Family dinner is often at restaurants where she is the only ethnically different person in the room, but when she comes into the place the maitre d greets her by name and treats her with great respect. 

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So sorry if I jumped in at the wrong place.  I guess I will figure out how to start a new thread.  I feel for everyone in these situations with our adult children.  

 

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1 hour ago, Baz45 said:

So sorry if I jumped in at the wrong place.  I guess I will figure out how to start a new thread.  I feel for everyone in these situations with our adult children.  

 

No worries. You can't start your own thread until you've amassed 10 posts (so far you have 2 to your name), which is another reason I understood your jumping in here. But perhaps you'd rather continue in this new thread in the Grandparents Without Grandchildren forum:

 

 

 

 

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I'm not able to see my 3 Gr-Chd  per SIL about 3 yrs now. It's like a grief you work thru it and it some how just gets easier. I can't see my DD either, but it's her choice. I have learned to live with it so I don't drive myself completely insane. I've learned not to think of them every single day, not easy, but it it eventually comes.  

 I had a DD killed that was/is a really hard grief and I'm still working thru that, she didn't have a choice. I  don't drive myself crazy, but I think of her every single day. Maybe knowing the difference of having a DD die and having a DD just now want to be around has taught me how to be able to not think about 1 and think about the other every day. 

Anyway, I have worked  thru both, not over both, but thru.  You NEVER get over the death of a child. 

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