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RoseRed135

Estrangement - Has it affected you physically or mentally, as well as emotionally?

31 posts in this topic

If you're CO (cut off) from family/ILs, no doubt it has affected you emotionally, Either you have been deeply hurt and saddened over it or you're relieved - maybe even happy to be free of the stress of a difficult relationship. But do you feel it has also impacted you physically and/or mentally? Do you believe your physical or mental health has deteriorated as a result of the CO? Or do you find that your mind is sharper and/or able to focus more on other matters now?  Or do you believe you're more physically active/healthy, due to lowered stress? Or ??

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When I had temp. custody of my grandkids it was stressful at times, but I was able to hug & kiss them & tell them I love them very much to let them know they were safe & cared for.  I do not have time to exercise or make special things for them like healthy desserts, etc.  But I did get exercise because I was always active with the children and I did make healthy quick meals. On the weekends we did do fun things like visit the zoo, b-day parties, or just go to the park & stop for ice cream or smoothies. Mentally, I was happy to be with my grandkids & would eat healthy because I cooked healthy for them. I was more active, took better care of myself, slept better,  overal healthier & had a more positive attitude.  Now that I have been away from my grandkids for almost a year, which I have never been away from them more than a week since they were born, ages 7, 6 & 2.  I am very depressed & stresses out all the time.  I don't eat right or exercise,  not because I don't have the time, but because I don't have the energy or happiness to do so. I miss my grandkids so much all I do is cry, deprive myself of healthy foods or not eat at all.  All I do is stay in my room all the time & have a very negative attitude about my life.  The only thing that keeps me going is talking to my grandkids once a week, telling them I love & miss them.  My only hope I have is that I can see them soon & give them lots of hugs & kisses & make up for lost time. I hope & pray everyday that we will be reunited very soon. Thank you & please keep us in all your prayers.

Anonymous poster hash: a07f5...784

Edited by Mame925
removing the children's names for privacy

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My only (perceived) CO is with Bratty Cousin. It only bothers me because her (late) parents, who were my godparents and I were so close. As well, her sister is my best friend. She doesn't get along with her sister either, so there isn't any current interaction... I would call it VLC on my part, sort of out of sight, out of mind, but the day will come when we will have to interact again. Ugh.

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I'm sorry you are in so much emotional pain, but you really do need to take better care of yourself.  What if something happened and you were needed to care for the grandkids again.  A good caregiver first needs to take good care of themselves.

I'll keep y'all in my prayers.

 

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I feel so deeply for you, Incognito. It's clear that the difference between then and now is very pronounced for you. I'm so sorry about that. But I'm glad you get to talk to your grands once a week.

It's normal for you to grieve this way, IMO. But if you continue to deny yourself (healthy) meals, cry constantly and "have a very negative attitude," etc., I hope you seek some counseling. It may help you to get past these feelings and deal w/ this change in your life. Of course, I hope you keep reaching out here, as well.

Meanwhile, yes, you and yours will be in my prayers...

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I can just imagine your feeling of being so separated from those grandbabies. Some of my grands have grown up and moved away and even that hurts. I do see a ray of hope. You are still in contact with them and in Grandparent land once a week is pretty frequent. I know it doesn't take the place of hugs, and in my case, upside down hugs, but I wonder if you can't build off the contact that you do have. I am sure the 7 and 6 year old don't get much mail with their names on it. I am not sure if it applies but Dolly Parton has a foundation that send an age appropriate book in the mail directly addressed to each child every month. It is only like $25.00 per year. Even the 2 year old would be a good fit for this. The magic of this is that you have some interesting things to talk about each week.

My thought is that the more creative you get with the contact you have the more it will benefit the children and you at the same time. My prayers are with you..

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I have been devastated by being CO our daughter-in-law has finally gained control over my son . I have gone to counseling and have been told to be as cordial as possible but I am finding it more and more difficult to be around her everything is picked to death I have tried going to my grandsons bball games but the feeling of isolation is overwhelming so the easiest way to deal with being CO is not having any contact with my son . I just wish there was someone I could speak with it has gotten so out f control it\s ike eing I high school all over again.

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Opa, I'm sorry that your relationship with your daughter-in-law has gotten to this point that it is easier to simply give up contact with your son.  Does he show no sign of wanting a relationship with you?

We've been in a very low contact situation with our daughter since she and her husband separated several years ago.   I love them dearly, but she and her Dad have been standoffish since our DD overshared her marriage situation with him.  She and her husband kissed and made up, but she didn't try to smooth things over with her Dad.

You say you have been to counseling, so I don't think I can add anything there except maybe, back off and give them room as a couple/family.  If your grandson call sand invites you, maybe go ahead and attend without any expectations of sitting with your son and DIL or even speaking to them more than a Hello, if they walk past where you are sitting.  If the grandson sees you in the stands a small wave just to let him know you see him too.

We often give the advice to new members especially to be easy.  I personally try not to have any expectations on my grown kids and their own family time.  If we are invited we either accept when possible or give an I'm so sorry no can do this time, but will next week work for you.  I do extend invitations with the understanding that it is just an invitation and not a summons, they have a right to decline if they so choose. 

We have many active DILs on these forums.  Maybe one or two of them will drop in and give there perspective as a DIL as to what might help in your situation.

Welcome to our group.

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10 hours ago, Opa1 said:

I have been devastated by being CO our daughter-in-law has finally gained control over my son . I have gone to counseling and have been told to be as cordial as possible but I am finding it more and more difficult to be around her everything is picked to death I have tried going to my grandsons bball games but the feeling of isolation is overwhelming so the easiest way to deal with being CO is not having any contact with my son . I just wish there was someone I could speak with it has gotten so out f control it\s ike eing I high school all over again.

 So sorry that you're in this painful situation!, Opa Please realize that you now have "someone (you can) speak to" - or rather, "someones" - the members here., both MILs and DILs, etc.  I'm glad you found us though I'm sorry it's under such unhappy circumstances.

Your pain comes through your post and I feel for you deeply. But I'm not clear on a a few things ( no doubt, it can be hard to get "everything" down in one initial post) For example, I'm not sure whether DS (dear son) or DIL told you that you are CO or if it just seems that way to you b/c he and DIL have, perhaps, lowered their contact w/ you. Either way, I know it's hard to take.. (((Hugs!)))

Also, I'm not clear either on whether or not DS asked you not to contact him  in any way. Since your counselor advised you to "be as cordial as possible," it sounds as if there is some contact going on? Can you clarify?

And I'm wondering if you've been invited to those bball games or if they're open to the public and you're just showing up? The answer to that, too (if you feel comfortable telling us) might give us a fuller picture of what's happening.

Regardless, my heart is w/ you. Welcome!

 

 

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135
omission
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Yes I highly doubt the DIL just CO all of a sudden.  I would like to know more details. If you are truly CO, then why would you contact any of them, or show up to an event the parents obviously didn't invite you to.  It took me YEARS of my  ILs overstepping my boundaries to make major changes, and every year I limit contact more.  Even with this I haven't CO them  yet, but we are VLC and they still go around my rules, gather info, and do what they want.  they have been toxic and causing problems for almost 20 years, but I haven't CO them yet (very close to doing total CO at this point).  I have a feeling there is much more to the story.  FYI, the #1 person in your DS's life is his wife...then his kids.  That is the way it is supposed to be. 

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On 4/4/2017 at 7:16 AM, Opa1 said:

I I have tried going to my grandsons bball games but the feeling of isolation is overwhelming...

It seems to me, JB, that it isn't clear whether Opa came w/o being specifically invited, GS asked him to come (hard to say "no" to that) or the parents invited him, perhaps at GS' urging, but then gave him the cold shoulder (we've heard of this happening before on these boards). But yes, I agree, we would, in fact, need more details to get a better grasp of the situation.

22 hours ago, JustBreathe said:

 I would like to know more details. If you are truly CO, then why would you contact any of them, or show up to an event the parents obviously didn't invite you to.  

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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FYI JB my GS invited us to come to his games my DL now sits in her own chair away from the bleachers . I am fully aware that my sons first priority should be his family but to ignore ones family is highly immature a simple exchange of hello would be the adult thing to do. This all started over a pizza 2 weeks before Christmas we were home decorating the house and my son calls desperately in need of a BS we said we were in the middle of decorating and were not prepared for dinner so my wife tells son to pick up a pizza to feed the kids if they wanted to spend the night. He drops the GK off and says he will have to speak with wife about the pizza. They came back about 2 hrs later and I was outside with the GK putting up the decorations . The DIL was in a mood and the went in the house and proceeded to ambush the wife over some very minor issues about money they felt we we way out of line to ask for a pizza and that we should want to pay for it then it went into all the things they think we have done wrong. I was not involved in the conversation and had no idea my wife was being drilled . The DIL did most of the drilling and most of the conversation was either about us not doing enough for them. She at one point tells my wife that her work is not an excuse for not wanting to watch the GK mind you we normally got them 2 times a month and  they would be dropped off on sat at 1.00 and picked up n Sun around 12.00. We also take them camping with us and watch them at a moments notice . I pick them up from school 2 days a week last year it was 5 . I also took the GS to his doctors appts that were 20 minutes away spent my time and gas to do these thing. Last year we watched them for a week while they went on vacation and he was in BB and she was in gymnastics we took them to al of their activities . I also picked them up from summer camp. The DIL felt like I overstepped when I asked for gas money but this was never stated until the blow up. DS then proceeds to tell the wife that we should be doing all of these things for them because he will be the only one around when we get old to wipe our asses in other words thy are putting a value on our participation the threat was if we don't do these things who is going to take care of you when you get old . My wife then was at her limit and told them to leave. They stormed out without saying a thing to me grabbed the kids and left all the while I had no idea what was happening.. That evening my son texts me I wish I could post it but there were some lows blows about how he was raised and it ended with we need to take a break . I asked them to go to counseling but received no reply. So that's how it ended and now I guess we are on a break . Just one more thing that has been really bothering me my wife tells my the DIL brought up a issue with my son paying for my lunch 2 times mind you they make over 200k a year so I am trying to figure out if he told her he paid for it and why would this be an issue I wish my dad was still alive so that I could take him to lunch idk the counselor said it was about control .

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Opa, I'm sorry you and your wife have been put in this situation.  It seems like your son is an only child and feels as though he desires more of your time and money for some reason.  Did he just stand back and let his wife drill his mother?  I don't blame your wife for asking them to leave.  No one comes into my home and drills me unless they are paying at least half of the bills for the house.

I think maybe a break would be good for you grandparents also.

ETA:  I think I'd look into purchasing a long term care policy so you know your future is taken care of no matter how this turns out.

Edited by SueSTx
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2 hours ago, Opa1 said:

FYI JB my GS invited us to come to his games my DL now sits in her own chair away from the bleachers . I am fully aware that my sons first priority should be his family but to ignore ones family is highly immature a simple exchange of hello would be the adult thing to do. This all started over a pizza 2 weeks before Christmas we were home decorating the house and my son calls desperately in need of a BS we said we were in the middle of decorating and were not prepared for dinner so my wife tells son to pick up a pizza to feed the kids if they wanted to spend the night. He drops the GK off and says he will have to speak with wife about the pizza. They came back about 2 hrs later and I was outside with the GK putting up the decorations . The DIL was in a mood and the went in the house and proceeded to ambush the wife over some very minor issues about money they felt we we way out of line to ask for a pizza and that we should want to pay for it then it went into all the things they think we have done wrong. I was not involved in the conversation and had no idea my wife was being drilled . The DIL did most of the drilling and most of the conversation was either about us not doing enough for them. She at one point tells my wife that her work is not an excuse for not wanting to watch the GK mind you we normally got them 2 times a month and  they would be dropped off on sat at 1.00 and picked up n Sun around 12.00. We also take them camping with us and watch them at a moments notice . I pick them up from school 2 days a week last year it was 5 . I also took the GS to his doctors appts that were 20 minutes away spent my time and gas to do these thing. Last year we watched them for a week while they went on vacation and he was in BB and she was in gymnastics we took them to al of their activities . I also picked them up from summer camp. The DIL felt like I overstepped when I asked for gas money but this was never stated until the blow up. DS then proceeds to tell the wife that we should be doing all of these things for them because he will be the only one around when we get old to wipe our asses in other words thy are putting a value on our participation the threat was if we don't do these things who is going to take care of you when you get old . My wife then was at her limit and told them to leave. They stormed out without saying a thing to me grabbed the kids and left all the while I had no idea what was happening.. That evening my son texts me I wish I could post it but there were some lows blows about how he was raised and it ended with we need to take a break . I asked them to go to counseling but received no reply. So that's how it ended and now I guess we are on a break . Just one more thing that has been really bothering me my wife tells my the DIL brought up a issue with my son paying for my lunch 2 times mind you they make over 200k a year so I am trying to figure out if he told her he paid for it and why would this be an issue I wish my dad was still alive so that I could take him to lunch idk the counselor said it was about control .

Wow. Sounds like there are some serious differences over what your and DW's (dear wife's) GP role "should" be and how money should be handled. It's wonderful that you two are willing and able, for example, to do so much for your GKs, but, apparently, you see it as quite a lot (I agree), while DS and DIL seem to take it for granted and think you should be doing more (or are trying to get you and DW to think you should be doing more). Also, clearly, you & DW don't think DS & DIL should mind paying for pizza or treating you to lunch, especially considering their income (again, I agree), while they seem to feel you/GPs (?) should be willing tp cover these costs. Same about paying for gas.

IMO, they are way out of line - GPs aren't an automatic babysitting service or human ATM. But they, apparently, think they're "right." And it looks like it may be based on some issues DS has about his childhood, unless he was just throwing those in to obscure the argument about time and money.  No doubt, your counselor can figure this out better than I can. I definitely get where he/she sees a "control" issue.

DIL was out of line, also, IMO, to come in your home and berate DW that way. And DS' comment about your and DW's elder care was rude and cruel. I'm so very sorry this happened.

Regardless, like Sue, I think a "break" may be good for all involved, you and DW included. However, from what I read these days, during such a break - a.k.a TO (time out) - people often don't say "Hello" or make any other contact. So as immature as DS' and DIL's current behavior may seem to you, they are probably just following the "rules" of what a "breaK"/"TO" means. (Not everyone follows this that strictly for just a break, but, apparently, they are.)  Again, please don't expect them to greet you, etc, for now, if you attend GS' games. I trust you're not watching the GKs, during this TO. But if you are, please don't expect much communication w/ the parents as they are picked up and dropped off either.

Like Sue, also, I believe it would be a good idea for you and DW to make your own plans for professional nursing care if possible. Honestly,  while you may not want to hear anything bad about DS, I''m not sure I would want him and DIL taking care of me if they can be so rude and selfish, even if just n the heat of anger. Please think about this and talk it over w/ DW.

Kudos to you for seeking counseling (does DW go, too?) and reaching out to us!

Edited by RoseRed135

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P.S. One concern about the games. From what I've heard online, some young parents will extend a break if they feel the GPs aren't honoring it. So I hope DS and DIL know that GS is inviting you (and DW?) to these games and that you're not just "showing up"/trying to be around them, etc. If GS hasn't told his parents or if you're not sure, I suggest you ask him to do so. It may end in their telling him to stop inviting you for now.. sigh... but it will, hopefully, prevent any misunderstandings.... JMHO...

Edited by RoseRed135

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Thanks for responding we are defiantly looking into elder care as DW is now concerned with treatment from DIL we are trying to understand what take a break means but when you are asked to watch the kids well what exactly does it mean IDK never been in thisx position never thought we would be in it.

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Opa, would it be possible to just communicate through your son for the time being.  Ask him to call you if or when they need your help with the kiddos and try to leave the ladies out of it while everybody takes a break.

It really isn't fair for the kids to witness ugliness between the adults in their lives.

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22 hours ago, Opa1 said:

Thanks for responding we are defiantly looking into elder care as DW is now concerned with treatment from DIL we are trying to understand what take a break means but when you are asked to watch the kids well what exactly does it mean IDK never been in thisx position never thought we would be in it.

Are you saying you still pick up the kids twice a week? And that they're still being dropped off at your house a couple of Saturday's a month to stay overnight? Is there any communication w/ DS or DIL about this or is the routine familiar enough that you can do it w/o the adults having to speak to/contact each other?

If you're able to communicate w/ DS at all, perhaps you need to ask him what a break means in his eyes, under the circumstances? Otherwise, I would take it to mean that you just follow the schedule you've been following w/ the GKs most recently - but no emergency babysitting (I hope) and no camping trips for now, etc.

But IDK for sure either. In a way, it's good, IMO, that you still get to see the GKs. But, in another way, it's a very odd sort of break... sigh... and I can see where it could be confusing.

Edited by RoseRed135
to add a thought

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Hello, new here. 3 grand kids I do not get to play with any longer.

Mother found a new relationship and grandpa got kicked to the curb.

 

Is there a site where grandparents and lost grand children can post to find each other?

 

thanks

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Welcome TheCuban....sorry you've been dropped down the list. My guess is that she'll need you again when the "newness" of the relationship wears off.

Right here is a good place to vent your feelings & express your concerns, all in a rather anonymous fashion. Check around our community. You will find camaraderie, understanding and a variety of interesting and helpful opinions. 

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My heart goes out to you, TheCuban! I'm so sorry you no longer "get to play with" your GC (grandchildren) anymore. Do you get to see them, at all, even if not long enough to play? Or have you been totally bumped from their lives?

Is the mom your DD (dear daughter) or the X of your DS (dear son)? Either way, as Mame suggests, she may reach out to you again, in time... Patience...

Meanwhile, I'm glad you found this site. As Mame says, it's a good place to vent - and perhaps, may I add, to seek advice.

But no, it's not a place for you and the GC to try "to find each other." One way to do that would be to keep an open FB page, so they can find you there, eventually, though... sigh....if they're LOs (little ones), that's not likely to be till they're older.

Hope you continue to reach out to us though, and that things improve for you soon! Welcome!

Edited by RoseRed135
clarity

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Note: trigger

It has definitely effected me physically as well as mentally. I've had many very dark moments when I actually thought about suicide to end the pain. I have stomach pain, nervous all the time, and depression. 

Edited by RoseRed135
trigger notice

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22 minutes ago, Riverpark said:

Note: trigger

It has definitely effected me physically as well as mentally. I've had many very dark moments when I actually thought about suicide to end the pain. I have stomach pain, nervous all the time, and depression. 

Oh, Riverpark, I'm so deeply sorry. Hopefully, something in our words can help. Also, have you sought any counseling?

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Honestly I have thought about counseling . I know it can and has  been done, but how in the world do you explain a life history to a counselor an hour at a time? 

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7 minutes ago, Riverpark said:

Honestly I have thought about counseling . I know it can and has  been done, but how in the world do you explain a life history to a counselor an hour at a time? 

So this isn't just about the rift between your DDs or the strain between you and ODD/SIL? it goes back further into other experience?

I'm no expert, but IMO, the best way to start w/ a therapist is by telling them what you told us - the current situation. They'll know how to work back to find any prior issues that might be contributing to your feelings of despair, if need be. And, no doubt, they can help you learn to cope w/ the situation at hand.

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