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RoseRed135

Strained and broken relationships... sigh...possible triggers

52 posts in this topic

Our son we have not seen abt 12 years now. DIL very needy due to 1st husband cheated & divorced.  He was very close to his sisters, so it started out w/problems w/his sisters  esp. the one he was closest to.  She actually told me once, "I'll never take any S--- from him, I'll just pack up & move to Fld." That's where Mommy lives. So IMP I feel her abusive relationship is the holding of my GDD, he will never give up. We have not seen our GDD for 12 years now. I use to send money & after about 3 yrs. of not seeing her we decided to stop.  We taught our son better, at least a call to let us know she got the $ in the mail. Not 1 call in 12 yrs.                     Her trigger,    Jealously emotional relationship & threats to move

Our DD threw our GDD out & wanted to put in Foster Care, Courts asked us to take her. We did they got mad. I know my DD is in an abusive relationship I was there many times w/him. He did both to my GDD and most likely the other 3. The IL's are rich so we feel OUR DAUGHTER, THE MOTHER OF OUR GRAND-DAUGHTER chose money over her own daughter. They pay for anything they need, when they need it, & I mean anything a car etc. Our SIL a  teacher of children, (crazy world we live in, has fooled the system for so many yrs) will not let us have any contact with or other 3 GCHD. He will not let my GDD have any contact. Oh, he punched our GS in the eye, she reported him, was 1 reason he would not let my GDD back in the home, and my GS is afraid of him & would not testify against him.       Her trigger,  MONEY  emotional relationship possibly physical     

My other DD is deceased & we have 50% custody of her son, & our GDD until she turned.18.  When we went to Court for our deceased DD son, because the Dirt Ball BF wouldn't let us see this 19 mo old baby who lived w/us when my DD was killed, was a 2nd devastation for us. We went to Court & thought maybe we'd get custody, the DB was a druggy & Sold them, the Judge said, "The child Should be w/it's natural parent."  I thought I'd fall out of my seat. Thank the LORD his phycologist was smart enough to tell him he may loose Custody so give us 50%.  When he was 3 took him to the phycologist and complained of Pot on his breath when he picks him up, denied,  foul mouth, denied, punched him in the stomach, no proof. Ok then, the Dr. said take him back home. Then he had the guts to ask us to chg his last name to the Dads. We said no, that is what his Mother named him, and it's all we have left of her. How about Yours - his, noooooooooooooooo  we don't want his last name connected to his, a druggy. He tried over the yrs, when he was small to come over and say, I hate my name, as if we didn't know the Dirt B was telling him that. Now when he's of age he can do what he wants, & I hope I'm dead when he does it. Then to top it off, He Asked Us For Child Support. We said never, we will buy coats, shoes, etc. but you will never get 1 penny put in your HAND.         Trigger   Death

I know I repeated this story on another page, but some GDP are bad some are not,  some CHD are bad, some are not.  I guess we are at the Mercy of the Laws & Courts. We can only try our best, do our best, & hope the best party in the Court Room wins, for the sake of the child. We did, our 50% made such a tremendous effect on our GS & our GDD stayed on the right track & is in EKG Tec. College now. They spent her College Fund sending her a book w/a zero Bal. changing her course in life per Colleges, but she will be the 1st in our family to go to any College. She was actually accepted to more Colleges than the Step-Dad ever was, 8 and her Mother doesn't even know it.

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@godsgifts - I'm familiar w/ your story from past posts & threads, but thank you for pulling it all together for those who aren't.

IMO, you and DH have known more than your share of pain, sorrow and frustration. (((Hugs!)))

But glad GDD was able to go to college after all! Good luck to her!

As for GS, IDK if he will change his name or not, but I'm confident he will always remember the loving care you 2 gave him.

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We have 3 adult daughters all married. Our oldest is married to a man that the rest of our family just can't get along with. He is estranged from his own mother and sister, and we believe he is bent on our daughter breaking her relationship with us too. Granted we have not had a great relationship with our daughter since she was in highschool. Her husband is very controlling. He stays home and cares for their three boys. One in school and the other two go to preschool 3 days a week. Our daughter is the breadwinner which is a difficult role for us to accept. She is career driven and that is fine. After all we did pay for her education ! Several years ago an incident happened in our home that made the already strained relationship much worse. Her husband became angry and ended up in a fight with another SIL. My husband and I were appalled that something like this could happen in our home. Since that time my daughter and SIL refuse to come to our home. They do not spend holidays or any other family gatherings with us. We only see the children when we make the effort to go see them. They are allowed to spend the night with us on occasion . As a result of this family break, we are caught in the middle of our daughters. The oldest does not communicate with her sisters at all. When I am with her, it is difficult to have a conversation. I can't even mention her sisters or her nieces and nephews. At times it becomes so stressful that I just want to give up on having a relationship with her but I would die if I wasn't allowed to see her boys. I pray for healing but wonder what if any role I can play in God's plan for our family. I see all of the wonderful mother daughter pictures and sweet words on Mother's Day and I just cry. My daughter sent me something she ordered from Amazon . I appreciate the gift but she only lives a few miles away and a visit would have meant more. When is it time to let go,

Edited by Riverpark

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21 minutes ago, Riverpark said:

We have 3 adult daughters all married. Our oldest is married to a man that the rest of our family just can't get along with. He is estranged from his own mother and sister, and we believe he is bent on our daughter breaking her relationship with us too. Granted we have not had a great relationship with our daughter since she was in highschool. Her husband is very controlling. He stays home and cares for their three boys. One in school and the other two go to preschool 3 days a week. Our daughter is the breadwinner which is a difficult role for us to accept. She is career driven and that is fine. After all we did pay for her education ! Several years ago an incident happened in our home that made the already strained relationship much worse. Her husband became angry and ended up in a fight with another SIL. My husband and I were appalled that something like this could happen in our home. Since that time my daughter and SIL refuse to come to our home. They do not spend holidays or any other family gatherings with us. We only see the children when we make the effort to go see them. They are allowed to spend the night with us on occasion . As a result of this family break, we are caught in the middle of our daughters. The oldest does not communicate with her sisters at all. When I am with her, it is difficult to have a conversation. I can't even mention her sisters or her nieces and nephews. At times it becomes so stressful that I just want to give up on having a relationship with her but I would die if I wasn't allowed to see her boys. I pray for healing but wonder what if any role I can play in God's plan for our family. I see all of the wonderful mother daughter pictures and sweet words on Mother's Day and I just cry. My daughter sent me something she ordered from Amazon . I appreciate the gift but she only lives a few miles away and a visit would have meant more. When is it time to let go,

I'm a bit confused.

You still have a relationship with your daughter, and you see your grandchildren, including having overnights with them.

But, b/c it's not the whole family together, b/c your daughters don't get along, you're considering ending the relationship with your dd, and her sons.

Because you're not getting 100% of what you want, you'd rather have nothing.

Wow.

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16 minutes ago, Riverpark said:

We have 3 adult daughters all married. Our oldest is married to a man that the rest of our family just can't get along with. He is estranged from his own mother and sister, and we believe he is bent on our daughter breaking her relationship with us too. Granted we have not had a great relationship with our daughter since she was in highschool. Her husband is very controlling. He stays home and cares for their three boys. One in school and the other two go to preschool 3 days a week. Our daughter is the breadwinner which is a difficult role for us to accept. She is career driven and that is fine. After all we did pay for her education ! Several years ago an incident happened in our home that made the already strained relationship much worse. Her husband became angry and ended up in a fight with another SIL. My husband and I were appalled that something like this could happen in our home. Since that time my daughter and SIL refuse to come to our home. They do not spend holidays or any other family gatherings with us. We only see the children when we make the effort to go see them. They are allowed to spend the night with us on occasion . As a result of this family break, we are caught in the middle of our daughters. The oldest does not communicate with her sisters at all. When I am with her, it is difficult to have a conversation. I can't even mention her sisters or her nieces and nephews. At times it becomes so stressful that I just want to give up on having a relationship with her but I would die if I wasn't allowed to see her boys. I pray for healing but wonder what if any role I can play in God's plan for our family. I see all of the wonderful mother daughter pictures and sweet words on Mother's Day and I just cry. My daughter sent me something she ordered from Amazon . I appreciate the gift but she only lives a few miles away and a visit would have meant more. When is it time to let go,

Welcome Riverpark! I'm glad you decided to reach out to us though I'm sorry it's under such trying circumstances!

So sorry you and DH (dear husband) are caught in the middle of so much family drama! And that your relationship w/ your ODD (oldest dear daughter) is strained. If it's any comfort, you are not alone. As you can see in this thread, there are others in similar situations. I get that it hurts to "see all of the wonderful mother daughter pictures and sweet words on Mother's Day," but, unfortunately, not every mother-daughter/parent-AC (adult child) relationship is so perfect.

We only see the children when we make the effort to go see them. They are allowed to spend the night with us on occasion .

I get that this ^^^^ is frustrating. But it's a positive sign that you do get to see them and even have them for the night occasionally. That doesn't always happen when relationships are strained.

My daughter sent me something she ordered from Amazon . I appreciate the gift but she only lives a few miles away and a visit would have meant more.

I understand your feelings here, too. But the gift, IMO, is still a sign that ODD cares and wants to maintain some kind of relationship w/ you. Please take some heart in that thought.

When is it time to let go,

I don't think you need to "let go," altogether.  IMO, you just need to let go of your expectations - DDs all getting along, ODD coming for a visit on MDay, or whatever. It may be easier said than done, but if you try to focus on what you do have - good relations w/ your other DDs, visits w/ ODD and her kids, etc. - it may help to lessen the pain.

(((Hugs!)))

 

 

 

 

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23 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

I'm a bit confused.

You still have a relationship with your daughter, and you see your grandchildren, including having overnights with them.

But, b/c it's not the whole family together, b/c your daughters don't get along, you're considering ending the relationship with your dd, and her sons.

Because you're not getting 100% of what you want, you'd rather have nothing.

Wow.

 

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You make a good point. I know it's hard to grasp the scope of my stress without knowing the full family history. I guess bottom line I'm struggling with my stress over my relationships and the weight of it sends me into dispair at times. 

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1 minute ago, Riverpark said:

You make a good point. I know it's hard to grasp the scope of my stress without knowing the full family history. I guess bottom line I'm struggling with my stress over my relationships and the weight of it sends me into dispair at times. 

Would you be willing to see a therapist? I'm not being insulting. A good therapist can help you find tools to deal with the stress in a positive/more positive manner, so that it doesn't get to this point.

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I have considered and the moderator of this thread suggested the same. I think what holds me back is the thought of trying to tell someone my whole life history so they can get a true perspective of my issues. At an hour here and there, it seems like it could take months . But perhaps that is a good way to spend my time 

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11 minutes ago, Riverpark said:

I have considered and the moderator of this thread suggested the same. I think what holds me back is the thought of trying to tell someone my whole life history so they can get a true perspective of my issues. At an hour here and there, it seems like it could take months . But perhaps that is a good way to spend my time 

Well, look at it this way: you could spend 3 months in counseling, and develop tools to help you.

Or, you could spend the next 3 months not in counseling, and be in the same, if not worse, situation.

The choice really is yours.

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1 hour ago, Riverpark said:

I have considered and the moderator of this thread suggested the same. I think what holds me back is the thought of trying to tell someone my whole life history so they can get a true perspective of my issues. At an hour here and there, it seems like it could take months . But perhaps that is a good way to spend my time 

 

1 hour ago, ImpishMom said:

Well, look at it this way: you could spend 3 months in counseling, and develop tools to help you.

Or, you could spend the next 3 months not in counseling, and be in the same, if not worse, situation.

The choice really is yours.

I'm with Imp on this one....moving forward may require some professional help. I did short term grief therapy after DH passed two years ago. (in the surrounding 18 months, my mother, godparents, xH and several good friends also died...I understand stress)

 

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Welcome Riverpark.

I have a son and a daughter who are less than a year and a half apart.  Their personalities are exact opposite and they have always basically ignored each other.  They met and dated their spouses about the same time and holidays were spend here.  Even then there wasn't much interaction.  When DD separated from her husband DS tried to be supportive but DD shared too much info that wasn't anyone's business which made it hard when they got back together.

One Christmas, we had breakfast with DD and GD, they were leaving when DS and family arrived.  They spent about 30 minutes in our home together long enough to exchange gifts.  Then we had lunch with DS. 

I have learned not to mention one to the other.  I didn't even share that DIL was expecting a new baby or give any info after the birth.  The siblings are friends on fb, so she can get any public info there.  It is not my job to advocate their relationship.

I understand that it is difficult, but there is nothing I can do to fix their issues whatever they may be.  Sometimes personalities just don't mesh even when they are family.

In my opinion, when are children are grown, we have to manage our relationships within what we are offered.  We can pray for different results, but we can't change things.

I have never considered counseling, because I understand that I can't dictate that my AC like each other.

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We are a blended family...DH came with one DD, I came with a DD/DS...they all lived with us full time. We just tossed them in the house telling them to "get on with it"....which they did. We had one set of rules (allowing for the age differences). There were some adjustment issues, of course, but we were consistent and fair...they worked it out. DsD discovered that having a brother & sister was the best thing that ever happened to her. DD/DS accepted her as "just another sibling" (they have a 1/2 brother from their dad). DH & I were referred to as "our parents"...xH & DH's xW were referred to as "my dad" or "my mom"...When DD introduced everyone at a school function when she was about 10 it was "these are my parents, this is my dad"...we knew we'd be ok....The kids have an underground I want no part of...

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On 5/14/2017 at 6:00 PM, Riverpark said:

...Our oldest is married to a man that the rest of our family just can't get along with.....Granted we have not had a great relationship with our daughter since she was in highschool..... Several years ago an incident happened in our home that made the already strained relationship much worse. Her husband became angry and ended up in a fight with another SIL. My husband and I were appalled that something like this could happen in our home. Since that time my daughter and SIL refuse to come to our home...... As a result of this family break, we are caught in the middle of our daughters.

You know what? Every family has some sort of a dust up with a more difficult person, it's how they deal that matters. My second sister's DH can be hard to get along with. He talks in a negative way about a gift my parents gave each of us over 35 tears ago (upkeep and on and on - so sell it, dummy). My brother hates any negative talk about our Dad, makes him furious. He bites his tongue, but complains loudly, later, to my husband and me. However, Dad asked us all, years ago, to get along with any siblingsIL, no matter what - for him and mom, and we do. We all shut up, color, and paste on smiles.

Maybe it would help if you didn't take sides and tried to mend your relationship with oldest daughter. It seems to me, as an outsider, as if you are taking sides and that just never works well, imo. Tell all of them that you refuse to listen to any negative talk/gossip about their sisters or spouses. Invite all of your daughters, sonsIL, and GC to whatever you host, let them all decide how to proceed. You don't have to be in the middle, refuse to be a sidetaker.

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On Sunday, May 14, 2017 at 7:01 PM, Riverpark said:

I have considered and the moderator of this thread suggested the same. I think what holds me back is the thought of trying to tell someone my whole life history so they can get a true perspective of my issues. At an hour here and there, it seems like it could take months . But perhaps that is a good way to spend my time 

Therapy, stat.    

Anonymous poster hash: e4647...4ab

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On 5/14/2017 at 10:01 PM, Riverpark said:

I have considered and the moderator of this thread suggested the same. I think what holds me back is the thought of trying to tell someone my whole life history so they can get a true perspective of my issues. At an hour here and there, it seems like it could take months . But perhaps that is a good way to spend my time 

Have you thought this through any further? What have you decided to do?

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I realize this post was back in April but as I was reading it, aside from the abuse issue, it sounds very much like what my daughter and therefore I am experiencing.  Or I should say I am witnessing.  I know how horrible you must feel about your daughter going through this after you spent so many years teaching her, protecting her and loving her with all your heart and soul.  Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do except hope and pray she comes to her senses and leaves him.  Hugs to you if you are still following this post.

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1 hour ago, Gramster58 said:

I realize this post was back in April but as I was reading it, aside from the abuse issue, it sounds very much like what my daughter and therefore I am experiencing.  Or I should say I am witnessing.  I know how horrible you must feel about your daughter going through this after you spent so many years teaching her, protecting her and loving her with all your heart and soul.  Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do except hope and pray she comes to her senses and leaves him.  Hugs to you if you are still following this post.

Ir's kind of you to draw on your own pain to reach out to someone else. But I don't think it's clear which poster that is. Since you mention an April post and a daughter, I take it your very kind comments are directed to Baz45 (please correct me if I'm wrong). However, there are a few people talking about their issues in this general thread. So, in the future. please make it clearer whom you are talking to.

As far as posting in an "old thread" (my words), that's ok b/c it's pinned (see the green thumbtack icon to the left of the title) to the front of a forum. Though we generally ask members not to bump up threads over 3 months old, unless they're the OP (original poster), pinned threads are an exception. ;)

Edited by RoseRed135
to add a thought

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The children being discussed here are ADULTS! You did raise them, care for them, nurture, guide, etc....and they are adults who are making adult (albeit unpopular) decisions. When our children do things we aren't thrilled about, the hard thing is to take the step back and let them live their own lives. They will be influenced by the people they've chosen to marry, as any couple is. 

My step daughter made two of the worst husband choices you can imagine. Both had classic abuser tendencies such as trying to isolate her from her family. The first lasted only until their baby was born with a congenital heart problem; he panicked and ran...The second did everything he could to destroy her self esteem. She was spending more time with her dad during the last months of his illness (which her H objected to) and he was able to support her enough to get her to leave the marriage (and promise not to go back!) The other kids kept in good touch with her as well, which really helped keep her on a positive track. 

My kids don't take crap from each other...estrangements like those described above are unlikely. And partly because I stay out of their relationships with each other for the most part. 

The bottom line is that you can't micromanage your adult children and expect to have it turn out well. They will make their own decisions based on their needs, not your expectations. 

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I apologize for the misunderstanding on who I was speaking to in this thread.  I tried to quote the person but I think I did it incorrectly.  I hope it works this time :)  For clarification, I was indeed referring to Baz45 in my post.  

Edited by Gramster58
Misspellings

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6 minutes ago, Gramster58 said:

I apologize for the misunderstanding on who I was speaking to in this thread.  I tried to quote the person but I think I did it incorrectly.  I hope it works this time :)  For clarification, I was indeed referring to Baz45 in my post.  

Ok, thank you. :)

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I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and her IL situation. I am going through loosing my only daughter (who was once extremely close to me) also but to her controlling husband and a possible mental health issue). It is heartbreaking, especially with children involved. I have had to let go of the fact that my daughter does not want a relationship with the family. No matter what I said or did it would not get through to her. The only thing I can have is my Grandchildren (through the courts) once a week when she follows through. I have issue with the way they are being raised but have had to control my tongue as to not get my GD in big trouble for telling me. After 20 yrs of worry (abt my daughter) I had to realize that my life was worth more than this and let go (of her) but now I am back in the same situation with worry for my GC. So I just want to say, I feel your pain. I have a strong faith and that keeps me going and praying and hoping for another breakthrough in this aweful situation. God Bless. You are not alone. 

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1 hour ago, Susa said:

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and her IL situation. I am going through loosing my only daughter (who was once extremely close to me) also but to her controlling husband and a possible mental health issue). It is heartbreaking, especially with children involved. I have had to let go of the fact that my daughter does not want a relationship with the family. No matter what I said or did it would not get through to her. The only thing I can have is my Grandchildren (through the courts) once a week when she follows through. I have issue with the way they are being raised but have had to control my tongue as to not get my GD in big trouble for telling me. After 20 yrs of worry (abt my daughter) I had to realize that my life was worth more than this and let go (of her) but now I am back in the same situation with worry for my GC. So I just want to say, I feel your pain. I have a strong faith and that keeps me going and praying and hoping for another breakthrough in this aweful situation. God Bless. You are not alone. 

Hi again, Susa! Just spoke to you in the Blog section. Just want to add here that, iMO, you are very wise to "let go" of DD (dear daughter) and focus on your relationship w/ your GC. It's beautiful that GD feels she can confide in you, but if she could get "in trouble" for it, I understand the difficult position that puts you in. Rock & hard place. I'm glad you manage to bite your tongue in order to protect her.

So kind of you to draw on your own pain to reach out to another member. It's not clear to me, though, which poster you're replying to, as there are a few here who have strained relations w/ their daughters. Please let us know which one you were responding to. In the future, please mention the member's name or otherwise indicate who you are addressing. Thank you. :)

 

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3 hours ago, Susa said:

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and her IL situation. I am going through loosing my only daughter (who was once extremely close to me) also but to her controlling husband and a possible mental health issue). It is heartbreaking, especially with children involved. I have had to let go of the fact that my daughter does not want a relationship with the family. No matter what I said or did it would not get through to her. The only thing I can have is my Grandchildren (through the courts) once a week when she follows through. I have issue with the way they are being raised but have had to control my tongue as to not get my GD in big trouble for telling me. After 20 yrs of worry (abt my daughter) I had to realize that my life was worth more than this and let go (of her) but now I am back in the same situation with worry for my GC. So I just want to say, I feel your pain. I have a strong faith and that keeps me going and praying and hoping for another breakthrough in this aweful situation. God Bless. You are not alone. 

Thank you for your kind words, Susa.  Prayers and (((hugs))) for your peace. 

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