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RoseRed135

Going "No Contact"

22 posts in this topic

If you (general) google "going no contact," you'll find a whole slew of articles about the decision to CO someone. Most of them support the practice as a "last resort" though one or two weigh in against it. And some of them give a kind of "blueprint" for how to do it.  Also, I've noticed that these articles tend to speak of the COd person as someone w/ a PD (personality disorder), usually a "narcissist."

So now I'm wondering... how do these articles bear out your own knowledge/experience/observations? Is it ever a good idea to go NC, in your opinion? If so,  do you believe it's only ok if the COd person appears to have a PD? Or do you feel that there are other reasons to/that some people go NC? And is there any one "blueprint" that fits all such situations?

Please feel free to answer any or all of my questions...

Edited by RoseRed135
clarity

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We were CO'd and we don't have a PD...MIL, who did the CO, may though but I suspect she's just a selfish jerk, no PD. I don't think telling someone or asking someone to apologize for certain hurtful behavior has a PD. I'll clarify, MIL didn't CO us just because we asked her to apologize. She CO'd us because after we asked her to apologize, she sent us several really hateful emails and we told her to STOP with the hateful emails. Oh, she stopped alright. STOPPED everything! I also think sometimes a CO or NC is the only way to deal with certain people, certain situations, as not everyone is willing to make an effort in a relationship, no matter how much they say, "I love you." "I want a relationship with you."

Yeah, thinking on this a little more, some people are just jerks. They want you to treat them like kings and queens but are not willing to treat others the way they expect people to treat them.

I'll go read a couple of articles with RoseRed's google search now...

Edited by Cupcake55
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4 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

We were CO'd and we don't have a PD...

Oops! I didn't mean to suggest that anyone here who has been COd has a PD. I mentioned PDs b/c most of the articles on NC recommend it for dealing w/ narcissists, etc. I've edited my comment to better reflect what I wanted to say. But your reply speaks to the edited post, as well, Cupcake.

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1 hour ago, RoseRed135 said:

Oops! I didn't mean to suggest that anyone here who has been COd has a PD. I mentioned PDs b/c most of the articles on NC recommend it for dealing w/ narcissists, etc. I've edited my comment to better reflect what I wanted to say. But your reply speaks to the edited post, as well, Cupcake.

Well, DH thinks MIL has a PD, can't recall the name right now but it has to do with victim mentality, so there is that.

I have been reading some of the articles and yes, they address the person who CO'd a PD type person but nowhere do I see a PD person do a CO but I'm still reading. There are some good points and ideas to be had from reading some of those articles.I also noticed they addressed a lot of issues between dating folks or married folks, not really IL's, other family relations, but again, still reading.

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38 minutes ago, Cupcake55 said:

.I also noticed they addressed a lot of issues between dating folks or married folks, not really IL's, other family relations, but again, still reading.

Yes, you're right.  But if you look at the list that pops up when you first google, you'll see "going no contact with parents." And if you google "going no contact with in laws," another whole bunch of articles will appear (some overlap w/ the first list though). True, also, if you google "going no contact with family," etc.

Edited by RoseRed135
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I'm not sure it matters.

The only valid litmus test is, is this person someone you want in your life, or around your children?

People have a myriad of reasons for deciding to CO, but overall, it seems to be that the person being CO'd is too toxic to have a healthy relationship with.

Maybe the person has a PD. Maybe they're an addict. Maybe they're a garden variety jerk, and the cost to having a relationship w/them outweighs the benefit.

The reason I say it doesn't matter is b/c I don't think that it's a 'one size fits all' or that there should be an arbitrary standard of, "Ok. That's bad enough, you can CO now." If you think it's that bad, then it's that bad for *you*, if that makes sense.

It's like..."I sprained my ankle, and limped through the marathon, why are you using crutches?" What is doable for you doesn't become doable for others, and vice versa, "I had an epidural, you HAVE to have one!"

People have different perspectives, histories, tolerance level. What one finds in the realm of acceptable, another might completely reject.

I think NC/CO can be the healthiest decision someone can make. Some relationships cannot, even should not be saved, but what constitutes that is totally up to the ppl in them.

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On 4/20/2017 at 2:39 AM, ImpishMom said:

I'm not sure it matters.

The only valid litmus test is, is this person someone you want in your life, or around your children?

 

I agree, ImpishMom.  My rule of thumb is that if a relationship costs us our peace or peace of mind, then it's too expensive. I will work hard to make a relationship work, up to a point - but if it's not going to work, I don't hesitate to walk away.  I have limited social energy and see no reason to squander it where it's not appreciated. There are too many people who love me back and deserve it more.

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On 4/20/2017 at 0:39 PM, ImpishMom said:

I'm not sure it matters.

The only valid litmus test is, is this person someone you want in your life, or around your children?

People have a myriad of reasons for deciding to CO, but overall, it seems to be that the person being CO'd is too toxic to have a healthy relationship with.

Maybe the person has a PD. Maybe they're an addict. Maybe they're a garden variety jerk, and the cost to having a relationship w/them outweighs the benefit.

The reason I say it doesn't matter is b/c I don't think that it's a 'one size fits all' or that there should be an arbitrary standard of, "Ok. That's bad enough, you can CO now." If you think it's that bad, then it's that bad for *you*, if that makes sense.

It's like..."I sprained my ankle, and limped through the marathon, why are you using crutches?" What is doable for you doesn't become doable for others, and vice versa, "I had an epidural, you HAVE to have one!"

People have different perspectives, histories, tolerance level. What one finds in the realm of acceptable, another might completely reject.

I think NC/CO can be the healthiest decision someone can make. Some relationships cannot, even should not be saved, but what constitutes that is totally up to the ppl in them.

But while it might not matter if the other person has a PD or not, how about who that person is?  Would it be as easy, for example, to CO an AC or GC as it might be to CO some other people?

1 hour ago, GrandmaMisti said:

I agree, ImpishMom.  My rule of thumb is that if a relationship costs us our peace or peace of mind, then it's too expensive. I will work hard to make a relationship work, up to a point - but if it's not going to work, I don't hesitate to walk away.  I have limited social energy and see no reason to squander it where it's not appreciated. There are too many people who love me back and deserve it more.

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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1 hour ago, RoseRed135 said:

But while it might not matter if the other person has a PD or not, how about who that person is?  Would it be as easy, for example, to CO an AC or GC as it might be to CO some other people?

 

Of course it is more difficult to CO someone that you've had a lifetime relationship with, and/or due to societal pressure. But the end result is pretty much the same: when it gets to the point where someone is simply too toxic to handle in healthy way, you either CO, or you suffer, but it is a choice you get to make.

I know, for myself, I would've CO *anyone else* who pulled the same stunts long, long, LONG before I finally did with family members. Faaaaamily and all that.

When I finally understood, and truly accepted that family is not an excuse for being abusive and expecting to never have consequences for it...that's when I realized freedom was mine for the taking.

If I wouldn't tolerate it from a 'friend', there's no way in hades I should've been expected to from someone that was family..

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OK, it's only Saturday, but I'll present my sermon of the week a day early:

Matthew 7:12 (ESV)

12 “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

If people treat the ones they profess to love horribly, does that mean that they wish to be treated horribly also? 

If cutting off some one we should love is so horrible...then maybe that person is asking to be cut off (treated horribly).

OR...using reverse physocology...if I wish to be treated with kindness and respect, shouldn't I be treating others the same?

As I've said many times before, my own MIL was the 'meanest' person I ever met.  In her last days, her younger brother told me she had always been that way probably since when she was a young teen and her parents were both dreadfully ill and she took on the responsibility of her younger siblings. Maybe she had a chip on her shoulder or whatever, does it really matter?

While still in her teens she met and married a man more than 10 years her senior and he moved her far away from home.  Him feeling sorry for her loneliness he apparently 'put up' with her antics and even enabled her.  No one ever told her enough is enough until I came along and how dare I ?  Who did I think I was other than someone for her to wipe her feet on?

 

 

 

Edited by SueSTx

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Hmmm... wow... Sue this ^^^ shows that difficult people often have a personal history that may have made them difficult. And that, i think, is a point flying monkeys often make. (I don't recall if there were any FMs in your situation.)  What the FMs often don't realize, I imagine, is that other people can't be expected to subject themselves to mistreatment b/c the toxic person had a hard life.

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Hmmm... wow... Sue this ^^^ shows that difficult people often have a personal history that may have made them difficult. And that, i think, is a point flying monkeys often make. (I don't recall if there were any FMs in your situation.)  What the FMs often don't realize, I imagine, is that other people can't be expected to subject themselves to mistreatment b/c the toxic person had a hard life.

Your MIL probably should have sought counseling to deal w/ her past. But I suppose she wouldn't have considered it.

Edited by RoseRed135

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No FM in my situation, but I do know a few.  My guess is that when they see someone has had enough uh...lets say brass...to stand up for themselves, they really wish they had had the same and are just trying to pull you back in to divide the bad behavior between more people so they don't receive such a large dose themselves since you dropped out.

Even hubby would never stand up to his mother because he it had been drilled into him from a really early age that it is just best to walk around her softly and let her have her way because yes, she could get worse and who is up for worse?

But remember, I also invited my own father to return home after he had made that 10 hour drive because he was pushing for me to spank my two when he had stirred them up and caused the rukus.  I didn't take any uhh....stuff off my family either.

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",,,,,people can't be expected to subject themselves to mistreatment b/c the toxic person had a hard life."

But the thing is, how does the toxic person know that the one they are dumping on hasn't had a hard life also and just aren't "gonna take it anymore"?

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12 hours ago, GrandmaMisti said:

limited social energy

I love this phrase....it totally applies to me. The greater world has been known to be very hard on introverts, mostly because they just don't get it...

I'm seeing a friend's band in a couple of weeks...bigger venue than I'd like, but it is what it is and I'm in the 4th row. The next day they are playing at a major music festival, most of my friends are going....when asked if I was going too, uh...no, way too people-y for me.  One friend looked at me like I had at least 3 heads. She loves crowds, more power to her. I'm having lunch with a cousin who lives in that town. 

578fd41dc1616_HowtoCareForAnIntrovert.jp

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10 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Hmmm... wow... Sue this ^^^ shows that difficult people often have a personal history that may have made them difficult. And that, i think, is a point flying monkeys often make. (I don't recall if there were any FMs in your situation.)  What the FMs often don't realize, I imagine, is that other people can't be expected to subject themselves to mistreatment b/c the toxic person had a hard life.

Your MIL probably should have sought counseling to deal w/ her past. But I suppose she wouldn't have considered it.

A hard life should not be an excuse for bad behavior. No one knows what others have been through. Since everyone is different, raised differently, different personalities, no one can tell me I didn't have a hard life if I think/feel like I had a hard life, just as I can't tell you (general), no you did not have a hard life.

I agree, treat others as you want to be treated. I am starting to take that a little more literal with certain folks, like MIL. She ignores us so I take it to mean she wants to be ignored by us.

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8 hours ago, Mame925 said:

I love this phrase....it totally applies to me. The greater world has been known to be very hard on introverts, mostly because they just don't get it...

I'm seeing a friend's band in a couple of weeks...bigger venue than I'd like, but it is what it is and I'm in the 4th row. The next day they are playing at a major music festival, most of my friends are going....when asked if I was going too, uh...no, way too people-y for me.  One friend looked at me like I had at least 3 heads. She loves crowds, more power to her. I'm having lunch with a cousin who lives in that town. 

The GREAT part about being a grandma is finally giving myself permission to be who I am and "social expectation" be darned. :P

I have always been the sort of person who found crowds overwhelming - an amusement park or a music festival are a large part of my hell -- now I can say "that's ok.  You have a great time!  I'll be home pottering and I'll have dinner ready when you get home" and people finally believe me that I'm not being a martyr.

 

<3 Bliss <3

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On Saturday, April 22, 2017 at 4:08 PM, Cupcake55 said:

A hard life should not be an excuse for bad behavior. No one knows what others have been through. Since everyone is different, raised differently, different personalities, no one can tell me I didn't have a hard life if I think/feel like I had a hard life, just as I can't tell you (general), no you did not have a hard life.

I agree, treat others as you want to be treated. I am starting to take that a little more literal with certain folks, like MIL. She ignores us so I take it to mean she wants to be ignored by us.

She probably dropped the rope and cut you off. Too bad so sad for MIL!   

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1 hour ago, PattyGram said:

She probably dropped the rope and cut you off. Too bad so sad for MIL!   

She did a very long time ago. Her loss. I don't miss her or any of the IL's... anymore. Life is peaceful.

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It's an interesting topic.  With contact being so constant these days with social media, texting etc., it has gotten to be too much and too impersonal at times (especially those of us who are ambiverts) and people want a reply NOW.  lol.
I have limited contact with some folks and probably have gone no contact or been the recipient of no contact because I am not as social or found them too demanding.
Makes life less stressful all around.  
Of course, I'll have to be with some of these people over the holidays so we'll see how that goes.  heh.

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Welcome @thursdayschildand I so agree...

Please feel free to read any/all forums, but we do ask that you do not post in anything where the last post is more than 3 months old. There are a number of more recent topics where you can post freely.

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Locking this due age of thread....

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