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SueSTx

New EX IL rant

14 posts in this topic

Our usual rants are about our current ILs, but I know there are some of you who not only still have contact with an EX IL, but some have a type of working relationship.

A new member asked a question in another forum and I think it would be better served if I move it here.  Maybe someone can lend her an ear and help her out.

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Aumoni    0

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Posted 1 hour ago (edited) · Hidden · Report post

Last night I received a text message from my ExDIL stating that my son (her Ex) had contacted her present husband via Face Book.  She stated that my son then blocked her husband so that her husband could not respond.  My ExDIL has been married to her present husband for 6 years. When I asked my son if he had contacted them, he said no he had not. His Ex stated that someone told my son that she said he doesn't acknowledge the daughter they had together. She said that she had stated that because it was true and that she thought the truth upset him.  He pays child support, but to my knowledge has had no other contact with her family.  I do not want to be involved with her problem, but how do I stay neutral?  Does she expect me to deliver a message stating I'm on "her side"? Should I just stay silent and act like I never saw the message? The last thing I want is to put my relationship with my granddaughter in jeapordy! Help!!  What do I do?

Edited 3 minutes ago by SueSTx
new member does not have enough post to open a new thread

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Welcome Aumoni.  I am so sorry you are caught in the middle of this drama.  Hopefully someone has a suggestion for you.

We encourage new members to read this helpful information

 

Also I sent you a PM (private message) you can find it by clicking on the envelop icon in the upper right hand corner of this page.

Again Welcome!

 

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Oh, Aumoni, I'm so sorry ExDIL pulled you into the middle of this situation! What a dilemma for you! Do you commiserate w/ her? defend him? or ask her to leave you out of it?

Ordinarily, I'd advise you to take the 3rd option, But I understand your concern about jeopardizing your relationship w/ your GD (granddaughter).

Perhaps it's best to just make some "sympathetic noises" w/o siding w/ either DS or ExDIL, if possible. For example, maybe you can let her know that you're sorry that DS isn't more involved w/ GD. w/o blaming either one. Then say how much you enjoy GD - and go off into a conversation about her. Or just change the subject completely.

In general, "Wow" or "Oh dear!" or "Really?" are always good non-committal replies, IMO.

But that's off the top of my head. Other posters may have some better ideas.

Welcome!

Edited by RoseRed135
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I would just state the facts.  I don't know anything about facebook.  Son never mentioned anything about granddaughter.   You know how much I love her and value the relationship.  This way you acknowledge her text and tell the truth at the same time.  You don't know anything, you stay neutral, and reinforce your love for your granddaughter.  She can take "the relationship" to mean her, granddaughter or both.  Just a neutral response.  Nothing for her to get mad at.  And even if you son did FB her husband, what does she expect you to do about that.  Become a flying monkey?  

 

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I'd think about what xDIL may want to stir up by her text, if you're not text buddies and this is random stupid.

Regardless, I wouldn't be drawn into a non-participant fuss about our DS and I'd text back something simple like "Thanks".

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"I really have no knowledge about my sons personal matters, and would prefer to keep it that way, as he is an adult who makes his own choices. If GC needs anything that I can be helpful with let me know, otherwise I'm sure you will figure it out. Take care." 

I would stay very far away from that one, and no don't side against your son when you dont have the full picture.

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This is called triangulating drama and using you as a messenger,you are not as another poster stated a flying monkey.  Next time best to not participate and recuse yourself immediately from the conversation with neutral response. In regards to her gossip about your son best to say you don't know anything about it and not discuss it with your son as it becomes part of a cycle of drama. You want to keep out of it. 

 

 

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@Aumoni - Haven't heard from you in a while. What did you decide and how did it work out? Have there been any further problems of this nature since then? I hope not.

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I know this is an old topic, but as a wife whose MIL is constantly trying to meddle in my husband's conflicts with his ex wife, after she receives similar messages from the ex wife, I would encourage you to not respond. In my case, the ex wife has told my husband that if he doesn't do what she wants from him, she'll contact his mother and have his mother force him to do whatever it is the ex wife wants. I don't think MIL realizes she's being manipulated by the ex wife. It has caused huge conflict between MIL and my husband, to the point where he avoids interacting with her. 

My advice would be to politely tell your ExDIL that she really needs to resolve that issue with your son and not with you. 

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2 hours ago, SM17 said:

I know this is an old topic, but as a wife whose MIL is constantly trying to meddle in my husband's conflicts with his ex wife, after she receives similar messages from the ex wife, I would encourage you to not respond. In my case, the ex wife has told my husband that if he doesn't do what she wants from him, she'll contact his mother and have his mother force him to do whatever it is the ex wife wants. I don't think MIL realizes she's being manipulated by the ex wife. It has caused huge conflict between MIL and my husband, to the point where he avoids interacting with her. 

My advice would be to politely tell your ExDIL that she really needs to resolve that issue with your son and not with you. 

Yes, this is "an old topic," SM17, but it is one of those "stickyposts" I mentioned to you in another thread - IOWs, it's pinned to the front of the forum w/ a thumbtack icon - and so intended to be ongoing. No problem w/ your posting in one of these.

Sorry to hear about DH's issues w/ both his XW and MIL. IMO, it's immature. selfish and just plain cruel of XW to pull MIL into the middle. And, of course, foolish of MIL to let it happen. Does DH have any children w/ XW? Could that be why MIL gives into her?

Regardless, I'm sorry this has caused a rift between DH and MIL. It must be painful for them both. I hope she realizes soon that she's all but "losing" her DS over this and decides to get out of the middle.

It's very kind and thoughtful of you, IMO, to draw on your experience to help someone else. Though, unfortunately, the poster you seem to be addressing, Aumoni hasn't been here in a while, she might come in again and see this. Also, it might help someone else who's in a similar situation.

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On 5/2/2017 at 2:38 PM, SueSTx said:

Aumoni    0

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Posted 1 hour ago (edited) · Hidden · Report post

Last night I received a text message from my ExDIL stating that my son (her Ex) had contacted her present husband via Face Book.  She stated that my son then blocked her husband so that her husband could not respond.  My ExDIL has been married to her present husband for 6 years. When I asked my son if he had contacted them, he said no he had not. His Ex stated that someone told my son that she said he doesn't acknowledge the daughter they had together. She said that she had stated that because it was true and that she thought the truth upset him.  He pays child support, but to my knowledge has had no other contact with her family.  I do not want to be involved with her problem, but how do I stay neutral?  Does she expect me to deliver a message stating I'm on "her side"? Should I just stay silent and act like I never saw the message? The last thing I want is to put my relationship with my granddaughter in jeapordy! Help!!  What do I do?

Edited 3 minutes ago by SueSTx
new member does not have enough post to open a new thread

Your best bet is to not touch this with a 10 foot pole. This is between your son and ex daughter in law. It hurts to see your son going through this but unfortunately this is one he and your ExDaughter in law need to handle on their own. Your relationship with your granddaughter is far too important to get involved in their *** for tat arguments. 

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I am going to lock this thread because it is over six months old and the OP hasn't been back in since this post was originally made.

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Sorry, it just came to my attention that this thread was pinned...I will unpin it now since the original poster has never been back in.

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