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RoseRed135

Sensitive topic - Stages of grief

4 posts in this topic

People, apparently, can grieve for many reasons - the unfortunate death of a loved one, of course, but also the loss of a pet or the loss of a relationship/estrangement, etc It is said that there are 5 stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, sorrow/depression and acceptance, not necessarily in that order:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

Please feel free to share your thoughts, observations, and/or experiences regarding this pattern...

Edited by RoseRed135
typos

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I took a little bit to respond to this topic because I wanted to discuss it with my AC- The consensus was that the process repeats itself many times over, to different degrees and that sometimes some of the steps arent in order or even part of the process- When it comes to what most consider big stressors such as death, divorce, physical harm/injuries and accidents, the process follows more of a pattern- But when that event is revisited time and again in ones mind as the years go by that the process is gone thru again and again but most time without all the steps nor does the process last as long- Any event that brings about the onset of the process of grief, be it a big stressor or small, will be revisited time and again in ones mind over the course of their lifetime- Not in an unhealthy or obsessive manner, but the normal process of letting go and  making more sense of situations as we experience more and gain knowledge to apply to the process of grieving- 

Cant get around it, the only way is through- Its helpful to remind oneself that whatever happened to trigger the grief is indeed in the past, and isnt happening this very moment -- it just seems like it-

One time I had to give away a cat due to health issues and it was years before my Mom let it go and quit bringing it up -- she absolutely adored that cat- Finally my sister was like Ma, enough already!  Then another time something happened in my daughters life that broke my heart- And when I brought it up one day she was like, Ma! I totally forgot about that!! And I thought to myself Oh no! I'm my mother! Lmao ..

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I have learned there is no set pattern for grief...2-1/2 years later I still have the occasional day where I'm still in my robe at 4pm....I know better yet don't care. 

I did cover stages of grief during DH's protracted illness. It's very common with dealing terminal diagnoses. You have the length of the illness to process those stages. The grieving process starts with the words "I'm sorry, it's terminal". When the end finally does come, along with the shock & sadness is often a feeling of relief & freedom. I felt all of that. And I also remembered not to feel guilty for it. DH & I had time to decide how he wanted things going forward (disposition, memorial service, etc)...I even wrote his obituary with his help. Doing all these things is helpful for moving on. 

My ongoing project now is turning the house from "we" to "me". He had a quirky taste in collectibles in which i have no interest. Finding new homes for these "treasures" will take awhile. 

A dear friend passed unexpectedly two months after DH...I'd spoken to him several times after DH's death, he was just checking in to make sure I was moving along and if I needed anything (clear across the country!), but his caring was all that mattered. I was with mutual friends this past weekend and his name came up...still makes me a little misty to talk about him sometimes. 

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I lost a DD.  I was angry and for a long time.   Why her at 20 w/a baby and not me. So I was angry at GOD. We had a few months of not getting along.

Disbelief/shock, I could just not believe my Baby Girl was dead,  why, still why?  Take me I'm old, I've lived my life, not her. please. I kept thinking it was a BAD dream I'd wake up from.   Guilt, what did I do wrong for this to happen.  What did I do so wrong for GOD to punish me this way?  Why was she hanging with some of these other people, why was I not stricter? But at 20 you can do only so much, but I had a lot guilt for a long time.  Honestly I still have some quilt.

Depression, so much so I saw a therapist for 3 yrs. also, Crime Victims because she was killed in a different state than we live in. A Support Group for Parents with deceased children. They have taught me a lot, how to handle things people say that are hurtful things & how some times they say things that are hurtful but they may not realize it. How to say more than " My Daughter's name is " and not get hysterical for 2 yrs is both group.

I'm still depressed & my health is shot. I try not to be, but my nature is such I am. I don't like to go out a lot, I'm just as happy watching TV or reading. My husband gets me out some. Bargaining with GOD got me no where so I gave up on that one.

After several months I did finally realize if it had not been for GOD  I would have not made it through this horrific loss on my own.  It was not his fault, but it surely was his support. that helped me and my family.

I have become more compassionate, and I'm more patient. (sp) I do not let the little things bother me.

I had family members dealing with this loss, & we all helped each, plus friends & neighbors who were not afraid to be around a couple with a deceased child. The old stigma,  "A deceased child."   I can now say, My daughter's name is Deanna ,  and tell my story about her death, hurtful as it is, cry as much as I do, I can finally talk about my Deanna.

But to be honest, I'm not sure I will ever accept it. But I do always to say she better me at the bottom of the steps at Heaven's Door with her arms stretched out to greet me.

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