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annierobyn

Bail them out vs. Tough love

24 posts in this topic

DS 37 and DIL in debt. They do not live a glamorous style, are very careful with their spending. Obviously they need to bring in more money or cut back somewhere. I have the ability to write them a cheque to get them out of debt. Feeling guilty about not doing it on the other hand feel that if I do it this once it will happen again. Doggy needs surgery. They are talking about setting up a go fund me page. To me this is begging. They say that's how it's done these days. Thoughts, ideas on this all greatly needed and appreciated with thanks.

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3 minutes ago, annierobyn said:

DS 37 and DIL in debt. They do not live a glamorous style, are very careful with their spending. Obviously they need to bring in more money or cut back somewhere. I have the ability to write them a cheque to get them out of debt. Feeling guilty about not doing it on the other hand feel that if I do it this once it will happen again. Doggy needs surgery. They are talking about setting up a go fund me page. To me this is begging. They say that's how it's done these days. Thoughts, ideas on this all greatly needed and appreciated with thanks.

Personally, I'd offer to pay for them to meet with a financial advisor, but I wouldn't clear their debts for them.

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I tend to agree with IMP...get someone who can really help them understand budgeting and planning...along with setting up an emergency fund. 

The gofundme pages bother me too. I guess they have their place, but not for bailouts.

Should you choose to give them money, make it a loan with a built-in pay back plan. DD came to me with this a couple of years ago. She'd looked up the interest and monthly payment on Bankrate then asked for a loan with everything already in place. I agreed, with the stipulation of making the payments automatically from her paycheck...she never sees the money so there is never anything to argue about. I would do this only after they've talked financial planning

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Depending on age, health situations, so forth we've offered loans- Usually when something unexpected has come up and the loan provides unhindered motion to continue forward with plans- Some I know simply gift it no matter the circumstances- For example downpayments on homes or autos and or tuition- All are debt related in my eyes, as are loans- Which is why some prefer to gift it- Funny though how over the years some I know freely given gifts are tight fisted when it comes to money -- period- I guess glad heart, loan, not at all- To each their own-

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I am a Dave Ramsey girl.  Financial Peace University.  Baby Steps.  Making sacrifices in order to have financial peace, pay off debts, get an emergency fund together, and invest for the future.  His web site will tell you where they are having classes in your DS/DIL area.  13 weeks, one night a week, maybe $100.  I would teach a man to fish.  You can also listen to his 3 hour daily program on the computer.  Listen to peoples journey out of debt.  It's pretty amazing.  There are free budgeting apps, etc.  They could check out the web site.  It is not easy, buy often the things worth having the most of not easy.  Best Wishes.

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2 hours ago, annierobyn said:

DS 37 and DIL in debt. They do not live a glamorous style, are very careful with their spending. Obviously they need to bring in more money or cut back somewhere. I have the ability to write them a cheque to get them out of debt. Feeling guilty about not doing it on the other hand feel that if I do it this once it will happen again. Doggy needs surgery. They are talking about setting up a go fund me page. To me this is begging. They say that's how it's done these days. Thoughts, ideas on this all greatly needed and appreciated with thanks.

Did you 3 already argue about the bolded? If so, then saying anything else might be tricky.

If you feel comfortable offering or suggesting a solution, then, IMO, you've been given a lot of good advice here, Annie. Now it's up to you to decide what idea most resonates w/ you. But, IMO, you should only make your offer or suggestion once. After that, of course, what they do is their choice. I understand how you feel about the gofundme  page. But if that's the way they decide to go, then please accept it and move on.

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RoseRed - when the go fund me page was mentioned ds  said he was not comfortable with it but that's how it's done. I did not say anything negative. 

excellent advice has been given and I must think king and hard. My gut tells me not to bail them out. My heart feels guilt. The advice of paying for a financial planner is excellent.

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Glad that talking w/ us is helping you out, Annie!

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Be sure to make it clear, then give them the money as a one time gift.

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

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Just a thought, a financial planner is a great idea for future monetary plans, but it won't help with what's overdue now. Loaning them money is also a good idea, but the payments need to be low enough not to be looked at as another monthly struggle for them to fall behind on.  If you decide to gift it, never hold it over their heads and pay directly to the owed parties.

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Actually, a good financial planner can take you from the current problem thru to budgeting toward the future. A credit counselor can do the same, but not so much with future goals in mind.

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I would pay for the doggy surgery as a gift, because I wouldn't want the dog to suffer but that is it.  Throwing money at this won't solve the underlying issue DS/DIL have which is living outside their means.  Therefore, I think it is best that you hold onto your money and let them figure things out  

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If I had the extra money and it would not impact my retirement plans or deplete my emergency funds then I would consider paying part of the dog surgery if I agreed with the treatment. I wouldn't pay for something I would not have done for my own animals. Otherwise at 37 DS and DIL should be on their own to take care of their finances. I'd feel differently if there was a job loss from a lay off or serious illness. I think you should follow your gut on this one and just trust them to figure it out.

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Thanks to each and everyone of you. They are in this situation due to DS 's divorce and much time spent in court. 

As I mentioned the live quite frugally.

after much deliberation and many sleepless nights I have decided to pay off the debt. My mind is still rattling over whether or not to have them pay me back a minimal amount each month. This is, of course, a one time event. I would rather give the money with a warm hand than a cold one. 

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As long as you make it clear...and suggest ("have you considered") seeing a financial counselor.

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1 hour ago, annierobyn said:

Thanks to each and everyone of you. They are in this situation due to DS 's divorce and much time spent in court. 

As I mentioned the live quite frugally.

after much deliberation and many sleepless nights I have decided to pay off the debt. My mind is still rattling over whether or not to have them pay me back a minimal amount each month. This is, of course, a one time event. I would rather give the money with a warm hand than a cold one. 

Glad you've come to a decision, Annie. I know it wasn't an easy one. Please be prepared to accept it if they decline your offer though.

Assuming they do take you up on it, if I were you, I'd make it a "one time gift," as Incognito mentioned, above. Otherwise, unless they tend to be very consistent people, you run the risk of having a lot of tension over whether or not they pay you back on time each month, etc. But, of course, I'm not you, and this, also, will have to be your decision.

Hope all goes more smoothly for DS and DIL from now on. And that includes hoping their dog has a successful surgery.

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On 6/1/2017 at 1:02 PM, annierobyn said:

Thanks to each and everyone of you. They are in this situation due to DS 's divorce and much time spent in court. 

As I mentioned the live quite frugally.

after much deliberation and many sleepless nights I have decided to pay off the debt. My mind is still rattling over whether or not to have them pay me back a minimal amount each month. This is, of course, a one time event. I would rather give the money with a warm hand than a cold one. 

Good choice, my inclination would be to give the money with a warm hand as a one time.

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

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I would have said to do the same. If you could give them that gift of being out of debt it is something that you won't ever have to regret doing--even if they screw up and go into debt again. 

As others have said...make it clear. If this is a one time gift--make it clear.  If this is a loan, fill out paperwork and have them sign. Agree to terms and collect interest ( much lower than what they are paying for credit elsewhere for sure). 

They are lucky to have you.  

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Thanks to all. I will ensure they know this is a one shot deal. If they get into dire straights again sorry the bank is closed. I hope they get it. I know I've made the right decision because my stomach is no longer in knots. Will keep all updated when I give them the cheque this week.

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On 5/31/2017 at 1:35 PM, Oranges said:

If you decide to gift it, never hold it over their heads and pay directly to the owed parties.

This is so important.  In my early life, my mother helped me from time to time, but she never let me forget it.  I help my DS when needed.  It used to be a gift, but he decided it had to be a loan and repays the entire amount.

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I gave DS the money yesterday. He said he could not take it I said yes you can you need it now. I'm not waiting till I'm 6' under. He was very appreciative and emotional. I feel good doing it and made it infinitely clear that it's a one time thing. Subject is now closed and I will not discuss it with him.

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On 6/5/2017 at 2:19 AM, RecLucy said:

This is so important.  In my early life, my mother helped me from time to time, but she never let me forget it.  I help my DS when needed.  It used to be a gift, but he decided it had to be a loan and repays the entire amount.

100% Agree--too many people give financial gifts and then hold it as emotional ransom.   If it's a gift--there should be no strings attached.   And if you can't do it without either side feeling resentful, then a loan is a better route to take. 

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On ‎5‎/‎27‎/‎2017 at 8:52 PM, ImpishMom said:

Personally, I'd offer to pay for them to meet with a financial advisor, but I wouldn't clear their debts for them.

That's what I did w/my DD, she lives like her In-laws-  who do have money. I suggested a counselor. The In-Laws always bail them out and it just never stops. It's a new dryer, car repairs, etc. Once he was embarrassed to ask his Dad for $500.00 could we help, we said, " No you'll just have to be embarrassed."  They buy new stuff all the time, and I'm using the same stuff for years I'm NOT lending them ANY money.

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On ‎6‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 6:26 PM, grandtoGREAT said:

100% Agree--too many people give financial gifts and then hold it as emotional ransom.   If it's a gift--there should be no strings attached.   And if you can't do it without either side feeling resentful, then a loan is a better route to take. 

Exactly what the in-laws do with my DD per above. My SIL knows better than to cross his Mommy Dearest or something Will be cut off. Fix your own car repairs.

His sister lives in Fld. and they pay elec. phone etc. and when they get mad at her, they threaten to cut of  ALL of it. They have to do what ever they want when they want.  Not given out of LOVE  by any means.

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