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RoseRed135

When "Mom"/MIL/"Gramma" moves in...

16 posts in this topic

Usually, in this forum, we talk about the ins and outs, ups and down of having AC (adult children) move back in w/ their parents, sometimes w/ their spouses/SOs and children coming along. But, often, too, a parent/PIL moves in w/  their AC and family, especially if the parent is having financial difficulties or suffering ill health. What do you see as the pros and cons/rewards and drawbacks of this situation? And do you think it any easier/harder than the other way around?

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I tell my kids periodically that I plan to come live with one or another of them....they get that 'deer in the headlights' look and we all laugh. I have no intention of living with any of my kids ever. And as I've said in other threads that they won't be coming to live with me either. The only exception is if their home is uninhabitable for some reason and they need a temp place while it is repaired. 

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I think, first of all, that there's a huge difference btwn moving in for financial reasons, and moving in for health reasons. While it might be managable, after a period of adjustment to share a home due to finances, caregiving is another situation altogether.

I've worked in home health care, and it's not something I'd want to live out, either as the caregiver or the paitent.

Finances, there's the ability to 1. Have a time line for moving out 2. Potential for seperate residences (in law suite) so that seperate, independant lives can continue.

We had Wolf's nephew stay with us for several months at one point. It solidified, for both of us, that roommates were not something we ever wanted to do again. The lack of privacy, etc was awful. 

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Everybody is different- Some don't mind a houseful and others do- I grew up in a crowded house, have lived with others and others with me/us- My mother would be different than an inlaw, an inlaw different than a blood relative who I have a history with etc .. but do love each, would live with each- My mother is 97, she lives on her own by choice and because she can- My sister, on occasion, gets tired of the daily visits to check up as well as keep her company- But not often- We looked out for each other growing up, that's simply the way it was- My mother was there for every sick relative and their spouses after they past- She was there for parents who lost their children- My sister still lives a stones throw away from where we grew up as does our mother but the rest of us do not- Sometimes my sister calls me up because she resents being the only one there to care for our mom- And I don't blame her for this one iota- Who better to vent to than the sister you resent? I totally get it- She knows she can be honest and say what's on her mind- She once told me that if our mother died before either of us that she wouldn't tell me she died until she felt like it- And I totally get it, too- I told her that would be fine- Anyways, she has invited mom to live with her time and again but mom declined- Mom wouldn't even consider living me or other siblings unless she absolutely had to- But that is subject to change like everything else of course- Sometimes I feel bad for not being there, for not being more helpful- But the truth is the two of them are doing exactly what they want to do even though it's difficult to do at times-

The reasons why I moved are tied to looking out for one another, or should I say for not looking out- But that's another story ..

Bottom line, I would take my mother into my home if that's what she chose-  

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On 5/28/2017 at 9:53 PM, RoseRed135 said:

Usually, in this forum, we talk about the ins and outs, ups and down of having AC (adult children) move back in w/ their parents, sometimes w/ their spouses/SOs and children coming along. But, often, too, a parent/PIL moves in w/  their AC and family, especially if the parent is having financial difficulties or suffering ill health. What do you see as the pros and cons/rewards and drawbacks of this situation? And do you think it any easier/harder than the other way around?

Our daughters both live with us. I think it's neutral or at least drawbacks are minimal.

ODD needs a home for herself and her 3 kids. She works part time (7-1) and as a benefit earns the kids tuition. She has ongoing, frequent counseling. We need a house sitter 5-6 months a year for OOT work and vacations. It works nicely for everybody.

Our YDD, her husband, and 2 kiddies need a place to live during home repairs. Their home sold in less than a week, before disaster repairs were complete. Such a great market, their home had tripled in value, allowing them to buy gorgeous land near us. They'll stay on with us while the 120 year old dream home (also know as a wrecked shack) is completely gutted and rebuilt. They'll end up with a paid home and gobs of money banked, so it'll all be worth it. YDD is generally a bit difficult, it works, just not as easily as with ODD.

Move in with any of our kids? NO. We have financial and health plans set for when we need elder care. Our parents had also done proper prior planning for their final years. They did not live with us, NO. My husband did sleep in his mom's room in AL for a couple of years to keep her calm and happy, but that was far preferable to any other solution.

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DH and I like to move the grands in and out, I never wanted our parents on DH orders. ;)

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DH and I have agreed that we don't have roommates in our house, we have members of our household living under our roof. This could be children, AC, or parents. We don't accept rent money because we do not rent rooms. It is our house our rules and if you don't like it you can live somewhere else. Both parents know this and don't like our rules. They have made it clear that they expect to be "respected" and "honored" and they believes this means they could live with us and do whatever they like.

our rules include: we ask that they respect that we are a non religious household, religious practice by them is private and will not be a household activity, limited amount of storage for items not actively being used (no hoarding), we eat meals as a family and we expect everyone under our roof to eat at least 4 dinners a week with the family. We don't cater to food issues that are not documented medically, if you don't like what we are eating you can volunteer to cook, adults are allowed to drink responsibly without rude comments, we do not tolerate racist or bigoted comments about race, gender, or sexual orientation. 

 

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3 hours ago, darkprincess said:

DH and I have agreed that we don't have roommates in our house, we have members of our household living under our roof. This could be children, AC, or parents. We don't accept rent money because we do not rent rooms. It is our house our rules and if you don't like it you can live somewhere else. Both parents know this and don't like our rules. They have made it clear that they expect to be "respected" and "honored" and they believes this means they could live with us and do whatever they like.

our rules include: we ask that they respect that we are a non religious household, religious practice by them is private and will not be a household activity, limited amount of storage for items not actively being used (no hoarding), we eat meals as a family and we expect everyone under our roof to eat at least 4 dinners a week with the family. We don't cater to food issues that are not documented medically, if you don't like what we are eating you can volunteer to cook, adults are allowed to drink responsibly without rude comments, we do not tolerate racist or bigoted comments about race, gender, or sexual orientation. 

 

I want to come live with you! Just sayin'! That? ^^^^ Beautiful! Refreshing to read!

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MIL came to live with us after younger BIL passed.  It was not a very well thought out plan and did not work well at all.  It almost resulted in DH and I splitting up and did result in a permanent CO from older BIL and his entire family.  I would not recommend it to anyone.  As for it being harder that have AC moving back in.  YES!!!!  It is absolutely much harder.  ODD & YDD with their children all moved back home soon after MIL passed.  It has been interesting and sometimes hard but more just the normal moodiness not out and out viciousness that occurred with MIL towards me.

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On 6/7/2017 at 0:03 PM, Mdgrandma said:

MIL came to live with us after younger BIL passed.  It was not a very well thought out plan and did not work well at all.  It almost resulted in DH and I splitting up and did result in a permanent CO from older BIL and his entire family.  I would not recommend it to anyone.  As for it being harder that have AC moving back in.  YES!!!!  It is absolutely much harder.  ODD & YDD with their children all moved back home soon after MIL passed.  It has been interesting and sometimes hard but more just the normal moodiness not out and out viciousness that occurred with MIL towards me.

But do you think that's b/c she was your MIL, rather than your AC? Or was it a matter of her personality?

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On 6/6/2017 at 7:21 PM, darkprincess said:

DH and I have agreed that we don't have roommates in our house, we have members of our household living under our roof. This could be children, AC, or parents. We don't accept rent money because we do not rent rooms. It is our house our rules and if you don't like it you can live somewhere else. Both parents know this and don't like our rules. They have made it clear that they expect to be "respected" and "honored" and they believes this means they could live with us and do whatever they like.

our rules include: we ask that they respect that we are a non religious household, religious practice by them is private and will not be a household activity, limited amount of storage for items not actively being used (no hoarding), we eat meals as a family and we expect everyone under our roof to eat at least 4 dinners a week with the family. We don't cater to food issues that are not documented medically, if you don't like what we are eating you can volunteer to cook, adults are allowed to drink responsibly without rude comments, we do not tolerate racist or bigoted comments about race, gender, or sexual orientation. 

 

Sounds reasonable and well-thought-out, IMO. Just wondering, though, does "volunteer to cook" mean cook for the whole household? Or would they be allowed/encouraged to cook a few things just for themselves. For example, if someone in your house were a vegetarian and you and DH were not, would the other person be able to keep some veggie burgers on hand, just to cook up for themselves if they weren't comfortable w/ the main course you two were offering?

Also, how would you handle someone who repeatedly broke the rules? Would it make a difference if they were an AC/CIL or an elderly parent/PIL?

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On 6/10/2017 at 8:10 PM, RoseRed135 said:

Sounds reasonable and well-thought-out, IMO. Just wondering, though, does "volunteer to cook" mean cook for the whole household? Or would they be allowed/encouraged to cook a few things just for themselves. For example, if someone in your house were a vegetarian and you and DH were not, would the other person be able to keep some veggie burgers on hand, just to cook up for themselves if they weren't comfortable w/ the main course you two were offering?

Also, how would you handle someone who repeatedly broke the rules? Would it make a difference if they were an AC/CIL or an elderly parent/PIL?

It might seem cruel but for most people vegetarianism is a choice not a medical necessity. We are not short order cooks and we eat as a family. People who live with us are part of our family. However almost all of our meals are easily made into vegetarian without being a short order cook. Speggheti can exclude meatballs for a few people, meals of hamburger can easily have a bocca burger added to the grill, even a steak dinner could turn into a great baked potato dinner for a person who doesn't eat steak. It is pretty easy to make a meal vegetarian. I'm talking more about a person claiming they are allergic to onions or tomato or gluten. These things would require any meal to turn into double the dishes, two different meals. No one is going to starve in the only get to eat salad, steamed broccoli, mashed potatoes, and strawberry shortcake because they chose not to eat some of the baked chicken.

My house is a house of gluten and meat and onions and garlic. If you have a medical reason you can't eat that I will bend over backwards to adapt. If someone can't get a doctor to agree with them then maybe They should chose To live somewhere where they can be in charge.

And yes, if my teen doesn't like what I plan on cooking for the family she can replace me as cook for the night and make a different family meal. 

If someone couldn't follow the rules they would be asked to leave sowe could have a harmonious household. Both my mom and mil could move into a senior housing unit. 

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Ok, thanks for answering my questions, DP!

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On ‎6‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 10:54 PM, RoseRed135 said:

But do you think that's b/c she was your MIL, rather than your AC? Or was it a matter of her personality?

No it wasn't because she was my MIL vs my AC.  Before she moved in we have a wonderful relationship.  However after she moved we began to have issues.  At one point DH, she and I were having a discussion and she told me to 'Butt Out!"  It was a discussion that involved her and how something had to be handled.  With my and DH's schedules both of us had to be in agreement (so that's why I was in on the discussion about her).  After telling me to butt out I about lost it and said that DH and I needed to be in agreement.  I was then told 'he was mine first!'.  I got up, told DH it's all on you know and walked out.  After that I really didn't have much to do with her until she passed away about 6 months later.  Try doing that while living in the same household.  Not an easy thing to do.

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58 minutes ago, Mdgrandma said:

No it wasn't because she was my MIL vs my AC.  Before she moved in we have a wonderful relationship.  However after she moved we began to have issues.  At one point DH, she and I were having a discussion and she told me to 'Butt Out!"  It was a discussion that involved her and how something had to be handled.  With my and DH's schedules both of us had to be in agreement (so that's why I was in on the discussion about her).  After telling me to butt out I about lost it and said that DH and I needed to be in agreement.  I was then told 'he was mine first!'.  I got up, told DH it's all on you know and walked out.  After that I really didn't have much to do with her until she passed away about 6 months later.  Try doing that while living in the same household.  Not an easy thing to do.

I hear you!

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On 5/28/2017 at 8:38 AM, ImpishMom said:

I think, first of all, that there's a huge difference btwn moving in for financial reasons, and moving in for health reasons. While it might be managable, after a period of adjustment to share a home due to finances, caregiving is another situation altogether.

I've worked in home health care, and it's not something I'd want to live out, either as the caregiver or the paitent.

Finances, there's the ability to 1. Have a time line for moving out 2. Potential for seperate residences (in law suite) so that seperate, independant lives can continue.

We had Wolf's nephew stay with us for several months at one point. It solidified, for both of us, that roommates were not something we ever wanted to do again. The lack of privacy, etc was awful. 

In fact, I'm wondering when posters think some other type of living situation would be better for an elderly parent/PIL in need of care and when they think moving in w/ their AC/CIL is better, if ever? GP.com provides the following info and resources concerning these scenarios, including a brief description of each typo of arrangment:

http://aga.grandparents.com/caregiving

Thoughts?

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