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RoseRed135

"But you're so far away..."

Most common reasons for moving far away?   25 votes

  1. 1. What, in your opinion, are the main reasons young people move a long distance from parents/PILs (parents-in-law)/other family (check all that apply)?

    • better job or educational opportunities
      10
    • physical or social climate of a region
      5
    • better schools or environment for their children
      3
    • to ease/escape tensions/arguments w/ parents/PILs/other family
      2
    • to be able to reinvent themselves/"rewrite" their personal history w/o interference from other family members/ILs
      2
    • other
      3
  2. 2. What, in your opinion, are the main reasons older people move a long distance from AC (adult children)/CIL (children-in-law)/other family members (check all that apply)?

    • physical or social climate of a region
      7
    • to fullfull a longtime goal/dream (like retiring to a condo in Florida)
      8
    • to move closer to other relatives or friends of their generation
      3
    • to ease/escape tensions/arguments w/ AC/CIL/other family
      2
    • to be able to reinvent themselves/"rewrite" their personal history w/o interference from other family members/ILs
      1
    • other
      1

Please sign in or register to vote in this poll.

23 posts in this topic

The Carol King lyrics quoted in the title speak of someone being "so far away." And in our very mobile society, people often relocate a long distance away from family, even, as we can see in this forum, from parents/GPs or, for that matter, from adult sons/daughters and GC (grandchildren). (Yes, I realize the Carol King song was, most likely, about a sweetheart.) And they do so, apparently, for a variety of reasons - better jobs, health issues, seeking "space" from tensions w/ other family member, etc.

So I'm wondering what you think is/are the most common reason(s) for moving so far away. Please take the poll above and comment below, as well....

Edited by RoseRed135
title

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For us, we've never lived anything but long distance from both my FOO and MIL.

Our first big move (about 4 hrs) was for Wolf's work.

Our next big move (provinces) was for climate, combined w/always wanting to live in the mountains.

Our last HUGE move was cost of living thing. We could afford to buy a house here (and did). No way we could afford it anywhere else we lived.

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@ImpishMom - Thanks for your detailed response!

@All - Any other thoughts? experiences?

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Sometimes I think people have to move for health reasons and climate issues.  That would maybe be the older people.  For younger people I believe it is job or military reasons.  In my daughters case, her husband was discharged from the military and he decided he wanted to move back to where his family was so she went with him.  

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I live in the rust belt.  Actually, I live in Kentucky, which used to be called the Bluegrass State.  Now it might as well be called the Rust State.  I had to move away from my family in south eastern Kentucky as there are no job opportunities available there.  My options were to work for my mother for a menial wage (half of what I currently make) or work with my dad (truck driver, I'm not cut out for it).  So I moved outside of Cincinnati and went to school and stayed here after graduating and landing a decent job.  Now that job is my career and I can't move back home, but I sure would love to.

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13 minutes ago, EleanorsDaddy said:

I live in the rust belt.  Actually, I live in Kentucky, which used to be called the Bluegrass State.  Now it might as well be called the Rust State.  I had to move away from my family in south eastern Kentucky as there are no job opportunities available there.  My options were to work for my mother for a menial wage (half of what I currently make) or work with my dad (truck driver, I'm not cut out for it).  So I moved outside of Cincinnati and went to school and stayed here after graduating and landing a decent job.  Now that job is my career and I can't move back home, but I sure would love to.

A story as old as time....I don't know what your new line of work is, but keep an eye out for opportunities closer to home maybe a county/city/state job, if those would be feasible. What's the driving distance between you & your family?

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My dream would be moving my family back to my hometown and taking over my grandfather's business, but that won't be feasible (my uncle (Jr.) is taking it over).  There's literally nothing in my home town.  Fast food, teach, or run for local government.  Everyone in my home town works in the town 30 minutes away.  They don't shoot out the only streetlight in town in that city.  hahaha  Love my home town, but that's a true story.  We just have stop signs, now.

Edited by EleanorsDaddy
I'm an idiot.

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3 minutes ago, EleanorsDaddy said:

Everyone in my home town works in the town 30 minutes away

Is there something in the town 30 minutes away for you? Make a pros/cons list so you make an informed decision...be realistic about family relationships too.

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Honestly, I've never thought about moving to Ashland (that town).  Florence (Greater Cincinnati) is 2 hours from home and has all of the opportunities and more that I need and I want for my daughter.  Another angle is, my DW's parents live 2 hours in the opposite direction.  So a move to my home town extends the time it takes her family to see her by an additional two hours.  So, really, Florence is the happy medium.  It just ain't that happy.  There's a lot more to this.  Don't want to derail, once I'm able I'll post my own.  Thanks again!!

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1 minute ago, EleanorsDaddy said:

Honestly, I've never thought about moving to Ashland (that town).  Florence (Greater Cincinnati) is 2 hours from home and has all of the opportunities and more that I need and I want for my daughter.  Another angle is, my DW's parents live 2 hours in the opposite direction.  So a move to my home town extends the time it takes her family to see her by an additional two hours.  So, really, Florence is the happy medium.  It just ain't that happy.  There's a lot more to this.  Don't want to derail, once I'm able I'll post my own.  Thanks again!!

This is very telling...after you've filled us in with your story, I'll explain.

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53 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

This is very telling...after you've filled us in with your story, I'll explain.

I look forward to it. Thanks so much!

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Welcome, @EleanorsDaddy! Glad you deiced to join us and that you've become such an active poster! It's going to take me some time to catch up. :)

However, we generally ask members not to bump up threads that are more than 3 months old, unless they're the OP (original poster) or it's a "stickypost"/thread pinned to the front of the forum. Still, I think this poll is worth keeping alive. So I'm going to go ahead and pin it. But please avoid this error in the future. Thank you. :)

Edited by RoseRed135
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My children have not moved far from home I DID!  My divorce was bad enough. we were still near each other and could see my children at will! but my brother developed Liver cancer so I went to VA from NY ,out on LI ,to take care of him in his last days. well, where i was living in NY was sold during my absence so, when he passed , nowhere to return to . In my profound grief I went to recoup myself near  a sister and my Niece in Fla. it helped, but was a bad move, now I do not have funds to be able to afford a move or the necessary housing to live in NY anymore?? so, i have been estranged from my children by that?? they never contact me unless i inquire about them then it is just pulling teeth for info ,and they rarely ask questions re: How Me , the person is doing?? I have a lovely grand daughter a year and a half old, and I only got to see her on her christening, which I accidentally planned a visit to see her, and her christening was that weekend!! so I lucked out! I am extremelyy sad over the entire situation!!

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5 hours ago, tcseacliff said:

My children have not moved far from home I DID!  My divorce was bad enough. we were still near each other and could see my children at will! but my brother developed Liver cancer so I went to VA from NY ,out on LI ,to take care of him in his last days. well, where i was living in NY was sold during my absence so, when he passed , nowhere to return to . In my profound grief I went to recoup myself near  a sister and my Niece in Fla. it helped, but was a bad move, now I do not have funds to be able to afford a move or the necessary housing to live in NY anymore?? so, i have been estranged from my children by that?? they never contact me unless i inquire about them then it is just pulling teeth for info ,and they rarely ask questions re: How Me , the person is doing?? I have a lovely grand daughter a year and a half old, and I only got to see her on her christening, which I accidentally planned a visit to see her, and her christening was that weekend!! so I lucked out! I am extremelyy sad over the entire situation!!

Hi again, tcseacliff! Just spoke to you in the "Guide to Acronyms..." thread in the MIL Anon forum.

First, my deepest condolences on the loss of your DB (dear brother). How loving and unselfish of you to uproot yourself just to take care of him in his last days.

I'm also sorry about your apparently unpleasant divorce and your losing your NY home while you were away taking care of DB. Did you have any idea the sale was happening or did your XW (ex-wife), somehow, manage to sell it behind your back?

Glad you were able to find some solace living near your sister and niece in Florida. But sorry you're at such a distance from your AC. It must be very frustrating to have so little contact w/ them to boot. My heart goes out to you! It might just be b/c they get caught up in their busy lives, especially the parents of your baby GD (granddaughter). Are any of you on FaceBook? You might get better results messaging them there. Or do you think it's something broader than that? Did they resent your original move, as unreasonable as that may sound? Or did they tend to side w/ their mom in the divorce (I don't think they should have taken sides, at all, but perhaps they did)?

Regardless, it may be cold comfort, but, as you can see. you're not alone in this though you're the one that moved. I hope it helps to talk w/ us. And I hope the situation improves in the coming year.

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New member from Florida, please check your personal messages.  To do so, click on the envelope icon at the top right hand corner of the page.

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I moved over 500 miles from all of my family when I was just 19 years old and have been here ever since.  I know how hard it can be at holidays especially.  I see my siblings only occasionally and really don't even know their adult children or their grands.  I have tried to make a point of seeing my mother at least two times a year over that nearly 50 years, but due to health reasons, that isn't happening right now and she turned 90 this fall.  I do talk to my oldest sister about ever 2 months or so and my baby sister about the same, but that still leaves three that I have very little contact with.

Social media does help with the viewing of pictures and trying to keep up somewhat with their lives if they are comfortable with posting.  There are many more ways of staying connected now than there were in the early 70's with expensive long distance calls and snail mail.

I hope you get in contact with your children before the holidays are over and get to stay connected in the new year.

 

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@tcseacliff - I see elsewhere that you've just had a good conversation w/ DS (dear son) and got some lovely pix of DD (dear daughter) and GD. So things seem to be looking good, and I'm glad.

A few comments in your post above, though, keep calling me back. They may mean nothing - or they might point to some issues that are causing DS & DD to hold back. Here goes...

...we were still near each other and could see my children at will!

Does this mean you & XW felt free to drop in on your AC & families any time w/o contacting them in advance or being invited? If so, were your AC and CIL ok w/ this? If they were, great! But if not, could this be an unresolved issue between you?

they never contact me unless i inquire about them then it is just pulling teeth for info...

Often posters here advise someone to hold back info from somebody else if worried about the reaction. This is the case if the other person tends to criticize or argue w/ what the first person is telling them. Or if the second person has a habit of sharing the info w/ others against the first person's wishes. Is it possible you have been "guilty" of one or both of these at some point - and that this is why your AC avoid giving you new info about their families? Or has there been any other "issue" when they've given you info in the past? Maybe not - I'm just feeling around for possibilities - perhaps there's a tendency you can change, so that they will be more forthcoming.

I have a lovely grand daughter a year and a half old, and I only got to see her on her christening, which I accidentally planned a visit to see her, and her christening was that weekend!! so I lucked out!

I'm a little confused here. Are you saying that you & GD's parents planned a visit, but they neglected to tell you that they were holding her christening that weekend .Perhaps it was just an oversight. Knowing you would be there, they might have just assumed you'd be at the christening and forgot to mention it, LOL!

Or wait.. did you arrive unexpectedly? Is that why you were "accidentally" there for this event? :)

 

 

 

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I knew about the visit. they travel around . they said they were going to NY and I said, i hope you get to see my kids! (I encouraged it).I am glad my nieces,and their children are being in contact ,when I am gone, this will hopefully still be a meaningful connection they develop. My daughter is the ultimate diplomat. many times , she does not share things , to spare me the angst of not being able to enjoy them ,myself. she told me ."Dad ,i just didn't want to make you feel bad with an invite, you cannot keep!" I told her , since I don't always have money to do things ,like visits on a whim, at least tell me of the occasion ,nice to know what is going on sometimes! case and point, was my GD's christening! it was an "accident" that I coincidentally booked a tripto see my newborn GD,only to get the surprise that I will also be attending her Baptism! my daughter did not want to make me feel bad since I was so distraught through her entire pregnancy then not being there for the birth ! so she was trying to be the diplomat , and  figured it was better for me not to be further tortured! KIDS ! go figure!

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my lovely daughter, says she feels so bad i am not able to afford to travel at will so feels awkward telling me knowing I will not be able to, and I tell her, please, since I can't come to many  of the landmark events, just keep me in the loop with pics and videos etc! makes me feel part of it, so this visit was at my daughter's NEW house which , again, me the DAD was not there to help my little girl , move in, paint etc, all the things my EX is enjoying! But, told my niece and my son's GF(girl friend) , to take some video for me! so my daughter posted some extra photos and my niece sent a very cute video off them and little Ellie opening gifts .My son say's  he also has some video he took on an earlier occasion to send me, so hope they are finally getting it and instead of ignoring me out of pity, but include  me with social media!

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1 hour ago, tcseacliff said:

my lovely daughter, says she feels so bad i am not able to afford to travel at will so feels awkward telling me knowing I will not be able to, and I tell her, please, since I can't come to many  of the landmark events, just keep me in the loop with pics and videos etc! makes me feel part of it, so this visit was at my daughter's NEW house which , again, me the DAD was not there to help my little girl , move in, paint etc, all the things my EX is enjoying! But, told my niece and my son's GF(girl friend) , to take some video for me! so my daughter posted some extra photos and my niece sent a very cute video off them and little Ellie opening gifts .My son say's  he also has some video he took on an earlier occasion to send me, so hope they are finally getting it and instead of ignoring me out of pity, but include  me with social media!

Good to get everyone on the same page. My mom lived 7 hours away and was in poor health, so no longer traveling...and we weren't on good terms. However, she was invited...to just about everything, not to rub it in that we knew she wasn't coming, but to include her in her gk, ggk lives and keep her up to date on what was happening. The last events she came to were her #1ggk's 'red egg & ginger' party (Chinese tradition, celebrates the first 100 days of life and introduction to the community) in 2004, my DS wedding in 2005, a baby shower in 2007 and her own 80th bday party in 2007...no more travel after that, she died in 2015. She received invitations to all the showers & weddings, christenings, bday parties etc...the kids were pretty good about sending her pictures which she kept posted around her home. Sometimes she'd complain "well you know I can't be there"...yes, mother, we know...but if you weren't invited you'd complain about that...we chose to be inclusive. 

Maybe consider getting a part time or temp job to earn some extra "mad" money for travel. Watch the airfare sales. Get an  airline credit card to accumulate miles. I'm going to Las Vegas/Phoenix  shortly...all the airfare is paid with my miles...$5.60 per flight. Including (expensive!) concert tickets & hotels the trip is less than $500 for 4 days. I did the same thing over the summer with parts of a 4 state trip...get creative, LOL

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that is what I am dong. i do work part time at the moment. i was forced to keep working due to my landlords need to keep raising my rent! to be fair , i was behind  the market on rents going up but my landlord said he held off as long as he could. says he is a bit under water on his finances so needed to increase. so , i di go to school twice in the last 2 years, but my physical ailments have prevented me from pursuing those jobs. good money, but impossible for me to now do them, bad ankle and some , now neuropathy creeping in , so i am currently working with the VR(vocational rehab ) to be me employment from home training! so I can create some rent money and then extra for travels ! I was hoping to  be retired , but cannot afford to NOT work! I will do this! at least i now have 2 diplomas!! one for welding and one for Machining !

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@tcseacliff- Sounds like you have a lovely, caring family! Sorry you can't be w/ them more, due to distance and finances. Also, sorry about your health issues, but congrats on your 2 degrees!

Are the finances such that they also prohibit videochatting, etc? I know people who have shared whole ceremonies w/ a LD (long distance) relative via FaceTime, etc. Is that a possibility for you and yours? If not, perhaps in the future.

Or maybe when they realize how much you enjoy your DN's (dear niece's) videos, etc., DS and DD will feel comfortable about sending you more pix, etc.

Glad for the recent happy turn of events, and hope you have a Happy New Year! :)

Edited by RoseRed135

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A post in this thread has been hidden for review. It may or may not be restored....

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