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RoseRed135

Do you believe in teaching manners?

12 posts in this topic

In the "in defense of his mother" thread in MIL Anonymous, the conversation, somehow, turned to manners. So now I'm wondering...Do you believe in teaching manners/etiquette to kids? To what degree? And, if you will, is it ok for a GP to insist on stricter manners/be more lenient about manners when watching their grands?

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I'll just copy my answer from there.

I'm raising future adults. I don't want some rude, boorish, uncooth adult Minion roaming around. It will negatively impact their future. My job, as a parent, is to do my best to teach them the skills to move forward into a successful adult path of their choosing.

If I haven't instilled basic manners in them, I've failed in that, imo.

I mean...go on a date, and the guy wields his cutlery like a caveman, chews with his mouth open, slurps, grunts, burps and farts? Yeah, there's not another date happening.

Go on a job interview, burp, pick your nose...and you're not going to get the job.

Basic manners are building blocks, imo. If you don't have them, you're going to struggle in many settings, and life is hard enough without hobbling your kid by not teaching them how to conduct themselves in a polite and respectful manner.

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45 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

In the "in defense of his mother" thread in MIL Anonymous, the conversation, somehow, turned to manners. So now I'm wondering...Do you believe in teaching manners/etiquette to kids? To what degree? And, if you will, is it ok for a GP to insist on stricter manners/be more lenient about manners when watching their grands?

I think the bolded can get tricky...along the lines of, follow the parents rules. For lax rules, I wouldn't want to have to battle to get my kids to use their manners after having spent time w/someone that allowed them to run rampant. That just sets the kids up to fail, and for the parents to have a harder time for a bit. Not fair to anyone, imo.

As far as stricter...it honestly depends. I insist on what I consider basic/common manners. No on purpose bodily expulsions, no fingers in orifaces, handle cutlery properly, chew with mouth closed, please and thank you, may I, excuse me and pardon me, no sound effects at the dinner table (humming, gulping, gasping, chomping...nobody needs to HEAR you eat *shudder*), offer to help tidy up after a meal, thank your host, flush, wash your hands, leave things at least as neat as you found them...I consider all of that basic and standard.

If someone has a stricter set of rules than I do, I'd have to know what they are, honestly. I don't want someone hounding my kids the entire visit and nitpicking them to death. I've always gotten compliments on how well mannered my children are, how helpful and well spoken they are, so I think I'm doing the manners thing pretty well. As much as I agree with, 'your house, your rules', some rules, or sheer amount of them, can make for a miserable visit, and I won't knowingly subject my kids to a situation that's going to be non stop criticism.

For example, I'm not a 'clean your plate' parent. They do, probably about 98% of the time, but everyone has their likes and dislikes. I wouldn't send them somewhere that not finishing their meal is going to cause a dramatic scene, and they'll be told they're being rude, etc. 

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I do. Least the basic table manners, politeness to other people and etc.

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Welcome New Member! Thanks for coming in and sharing your views w/ us!

However, if those are your actual first and last names in your username, we recommend that you change it for greater privacy. To see how to do so, click on the following MIL Anonymous thread:

 

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I have taught my children manners, table and otherwise, since they were little.  Don't talk with food in your mouth, don't interrupt people, wash you hands, etc.  so that they can walk, talk, and act properly in public.  It took many years of practice and work on my and their part.  I feel that they act very well and have also been told so.  

I am actually much more lenient on them now and I would be very surprised if their manners needed to be corrected by others or if they would forget what they learned over the year.  It was and still is my job to teach them how to go out and about in the world.

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I think it is important to teach manners to your kids.  I have done this, and hope it sticks with my kids, and they continue to practice good manners which I believe is a life long practice.  It applies to the young and old.   I think you can never really go wrong practicing good manners, and they go along way in showing respect for others.  I think the hardest part about practicing good manners is when you have to deal with people who are boorish.  That has been the most challenging part of it for me and when teaching manners to my kids.   How to respond to poor manners especially chronically poor manners. 

As for GP with more lenient/strict standards, it really would depend on what these standards are regarding whether I would have a problem with it.  For example, I am not okay with the notion that a child must eat everything on his or her plate.  So, if this was one of GM's standards with my kid, that wouldn't end well.  If on the other hand, my kid was jumping on GM's couch and she told my kid to get off and show more respect in her home, that would be fine with me. 

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I think when teaching minor age kids manners, it is best to teach them even when others do not use their manners to please continue to use theirs.

For example, if when asking someone to "please" pass the butter and telling them "thank you" then that persons says, "Can I have the catsup"...go ahead and pass it with out correcting them...but to continue with their manners. 

Sometimes, the best teacher is setting a good example.

 

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YES! I have just moved within 15min of all.3 of my grandsons, who are ages 4, 4 and 7. I am Definetly instilling in them good manners. I even correct them in front of their parents. But my kids are totally on board and agree. One of my 4yr olds ask...why doesn't my mommy say yes sir to me? So cute.....

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I believe manners are very important. Thank goodness all my children agree. As a family we try instill good manners in our grandchildren. The one that lives with us and the ones that visit.

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Posted (edited)

@Tinamarielewis  & @tannie - I think it's great that you and your AC (adult children) and CIL (children-in-law) are all on the same page about teaching manners! Makes things much easier/more comfortable, IMO. I admit, I'm curious, though - do you each use the same methods as the younger parents? And does it seem to matter?

Edited by RoseRed135

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Posted (edited)

I don't know if this would be considered under teaching manners per se but this was one of our biggest issues with IL's. DN's would come to visit and at least one would be sick. NO ONE (not parents, not GP's) ever told them to cover their mouth when they coughed or sneezed. When we'd bring it up, FIL used to always tell us it was just allergies...uh huh, then why did everyone else get sick from them? And "just allergies" doesn't make it ok not to cover your mouth. Then they'd leave and GGMIL would have caught their cold. She would cough or sneeze and get an immediate, "Get out of here! We don't want your cold! Go to your room!" So for us, it wasn't just PIL's treating us badly, they treated GGMIL badly and that was one of the straws that broke the camels back for us as well. Manners are important but consistency is important too. It doesn't always work to "do as I say not as I do" but leading by example helps and only reprimanding, correcting, teaching, some of the people is not right. So I guess for me, it was not OK to bark at GGMIL and not the DN's. If you are not going to ask everyone to cover their mouth don't ask anyone too. Of course, PIL's waited until DN's left so our family was the only ones to see their crappy treatment of GGMIL (DH's GM).

Edited by Cupcake55

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