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RoseRed135

Do you believe in teaching manners?

21 posts in this topic

In the "in defense of his mother" thread in MIL Anonymous, the conversation, somehow, turned to manners. So now I'm wondering...Do you believe in teaching manners/etiquette to kids? To what degree? And, if you will, is it ok for a GP to insist on stricter manners/be more lenient about manners when watching their grands?

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I'll just copy my answer from there.

I'm raising future adults. I don't want some rude, boorish, uncooth adult Minion roaming around. It will negatively impact their future. My job, as a parent, is to do my best to teach them the skills to move forward into a successful adult path of their choosing.

If I haven't instilled basic manners in them, I've failed in that, imo.

I mean...go on a date, and the guy wields his cutlery like a caveman, chews with his mouth open, slurps, grunts, burps and farts? Yeah, there's not another date happening.

Go on a job interview, burp, pick your nose...and you're not going to get the job.

Basic manners are building blocks, imo. If you don't have them, you're going to struggle in many settings, and life is hard enough without hobbling your kid by not teaching them how to conduct themselves in a polite and respectful manner.

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45 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

In the "in defense of his mother" thread in MIL Anonymous, the conversation, somehow, turned to manners. So now I'm wondering...Do you believe in teaching manners/etiquette to kids? To what degree? And, if you will, is it ok for a GP to insist on stricter manners/be more lenient about manners when watching their grands?

I think the bolded can get tricky...along the lines of, follow the parents rules. For lax rules, I wouldn't want to have to battle to get my kids to use their manners after having spent time w/someone that allowed them to run rampant. That just sets the kids up to fail, and for the parents to have a harder time for a bit. Not fair to anyone, imo.

As far as stricter...it honestly depends. I insist on what I consider basic/common manners. No on purpose bodily expulsions, no fingers in orifaces, handle cutlery properly, chew with mouth closed, please and thank you, may I, excuse me and pardon me, no sound effects at the dinner table (humming, gulping, gasping, chomping...nobody needs to HEAR you eat *shudder*), offer to help tidy up after a meal, thank your host, flush, wash your hands, leave things at least as neat as you found them...I consider all of that basic and standard.

If someone has a stricter set of rules than I do, I'd have to know what they are, honestly. I don't want someone hounding my kids the entire visit and nitpicking them to death. I've always gotten compliments on how well mannered my children are, how helpful and well spoken they are, so I think I'm doing the manners thing pretty well. As much as I agree with, 'your house, your rules', some rules, or sheer amount of them, can make for a miserable visit, and I won't knowingly subject my kids to a situation that's going to be non stop criticism.

For example, I'm not a 'clean your plate' parent. They do, probably about 98% of the time, but everyone has their likes and dislikes. I wouldn't send them somewhere that not finishing their meal is going to cause a dramatic scene, and they'll be told they're being rude, etc. 

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I do. Least the basic table manners, politeness to other people and etc.

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Welcome New Member! Thanks for coming in and sharing your views w/ us!

However, if those are your actual first and last names in your username, we recommend that you change it for greater privacy. To see how to do so, click on the following MIL Anonymous thread:

 

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I have taught my children manners, table and otherwise, since they were little.  Don't talk with food in your mouth, don't interrupt people, wash you hands, etc.  so that they can walk, talk, and act properly in public.  It took many years of practice and work on my and their part.  I feel that they act very well and have also been told so.  

I am actually much more lenient on them now and I would be very surprised if their manners needed to be corrected by others or if they would forget what they learned over the year.  It was and still is my job to teach them how to go out and about in the world.

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I think it is important to teach manners to your kids.  I have done this, and hope it sticks with my kids, and they continue to practice good manners which I believe is a life long practice.  It applies to the young and old.   I think you can never really go wrong practicing good manners, and they go along way in showing respect for others.  I think the hardest part about practicing good manners is when you have to deal with people who are boorish.  That has been the most challenging part of it for me and when teaching manners to my kids.   How to respond to poor manners especially chronically poor manners. 

As for GP with more lenient/strict standards, it really would depend on what these standards are regarding whether I would have a problem with it.  For example, I am not okay with the notion that a child must eat everything on his or her plate.  So, if this was one of GM's standards with my kid, that wouldn't end well.  If on the other hand, my kid was jumping on GM's couch and she told my kid to get off and show more respect in her home, that would be fine with me. 

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I think when teaching minor age kids manners, it is best to teach them even when others do not use their manners to please continue to use theirs.

For example, if when asking someone to "please" pass the butter and telling them "thank you" then that persons says, "Can I have the catsup"...go ahead and pass it with out correcting them...but to continue with their manners. 

Sometimes, the best teacher is setting a good example.

 

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YES! I have just moved within 15min of all.3 of my grandsons, who are ages 4, 4 and 7. I am Definetly instilling in them good manners. I even correct them in front of their parents. But my kids are totally on board and agree. One of my 4yr olds ask...why doesn't my mommy say yes sir to me? So cute.....

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I believe manners are very important. Thank goodness all my children agree. As a family we try instill good manners in our grandchildren. The one that lives with us and the ones that visit.

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Posted (edited)

@Tinamarielewis  & @tannie - I think it's great that you and your AC (adult children) and CIL (children-in-law) are all on the same page about teaching manners! Makes things much easier/more comfortable, IMO. I admit, I'm curious, though - do you each use the same methods as the younger parents? And does it seem to matter?

Edited by RoseRed135

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Posted (edited)

I don't know if this would be considered under teaching manners per se but this was one of our biggest issues with IL's. DN's would come to visit and at least one would be sick. NO ONE (not parents, not GP's) ever told them to cover their mouth when they coughed or sneezed. When we'd bring it up, FIL used to always tell us it was just allergies...uh huh, then why did everyone else get sick from them? And "just allergies" doesn't make it ok not to cover your mouth. Then they'd leave and GGMIL would have caught their cold. She would cough or sneeze and get an immediate, "Get out of here! We don't want your cold! Go to your room!" So for us, it wasn't just PIL's treating us badly, they treated GGMIL badly and that was one of the straws that broke the camels back for us as well. Manners are important but consistency is important too. It doesn't always work to "do as I say not as I do" but leading by example helps and only reprimanding, correcting, teaching, some of the people is not right. So I guess for me, it was not OK to bark at GGMIL and not the DN's. If you are not going to ask everyone to cover their mouth don't ask anyone too. Of course, PIL's waited until DN's left so our family was the only ones to see their crappy treatment of GGMIL (DH's GM).

Edited by Cupcake55

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When I was young it was yes please, no thank you, may I,  pardon me,  Mr. so and so Mrs. so and so. I remember calling a neighbor by her 1st name and got slapped across the face. So my kids learned Mr. and Mrs. but My GF had the kids call her Mrs. Linda, not so formal.  Don't interrupt, speak when spoken to and don't talk back. Chew with your mouth closed, don't talk with your mouth full of food, and keep your elbows off the table,. All the normal manners, my Mother worked for the DuPont's so she was very up on us doing the right thing.

Then we moved to the Country and all the kids are running around calling all the parents by 1st names but our kids. So after a while I just said the heck with it they can call them by 1st names too, but all other manners stay. I had my kids if they received presents or $ in the mail call that person and thank them.

So to our shock when we sent $ to our GDD and never received any calls w/a Thank you we were very shocked because it is not the way we taught our son all his life. We aren't  on speaking terms so we don't call to see if she got the $, but it would be nice to just know she did get it, besides just pain polite. Our son did always send us a Mother's day and Father's day card also Easter and Christmas.  I was sick one Christmas and didn't get the $ to our GDD, we didn't get an Easter card. Our GDD next  BD we sent a card saying I had been sick here is 2x the $.  Low and behold I got a Mother's day card.

So after many yrs of no thank you and seeing if we send no $ we do not get any cards out of love we just stopped sending any more $. Politeness get politeness and we were getting none, and our cards were out of love. 

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Posted (edited)

10 hours ago, godsgifts said:

When I was young it was yes please, no thank you, may I,  pardon me,  Mr. so and so Mrs. so and so. I remember calling a neighbor by her 1st name and got slapped across the face. So my kids learned Mr. and Mrs. but My GF had the kids call her Mrs. Linda, not so formal.  Don't interrupt, speak when spoken to and don't talk back. Chew with your mouth closed, don't talk with your mouth full of food, and keep your elbows off the table,. All the normal manners, my Mother worked for the DuPont's so she was very up on us doing the right thing. We were taught the same. Our kids were taught to use Mr and Mrs., etc. but are told to call adults by first names without the Ms, Mrs, Miss title from those same adults.

Then we moved to the Country and all the kids are running around calling all the parents by 1st names but our kids. So after a while I just said the heck with it they can call them by 1st names too, but all other manners stay. I had my kids if they received presents or $ in the mail call that person and thank them. We just had them send thank you cards, no phone calls, depending on who it was though.

So to our shock when we sent $ to our GDD and never received any calls w/a Thank you we were very shocked because it is not the way we taught our son all his life. We aren't  on speaking terms so we don't call to see if she got the $, but it would be nice to just know she did get it, besides just pain polite. Our son did always send us a Mother's day and Father's day card also Easter and Christmas.  I was sick one Christmas and didn't get the $ to our GDD, we didn't get an Easter card. Our GDD next  BD we sent a card saying I had been sick here is 2x the $.  Low and behold I got a Mother's day card. What a shame! We've seen this in some of our relationships too. We just quit sending gifts altogether since we never got a thank you or anything from the other family member, no acknowledgment of any kind, then after a year or two quit sending cards as well. Funny, some of the family members remarked about the lack of birthday acknowledgement but they had no qualms about ignoring all of us for our bdays. My reply to my FOO was, "Oh, since we don't get an acknowledgment for any of our bdays, we figured bdays weren't important to you." Found out it wasn't important to them to send bday acknowledgments but it was to receive them. Didn't make us start up again though. LOL.

So after many yrs of no thank you and seeing if we send no $ we do not get any cards out of love we just stopped sending any more $. Politeness get politeness and we were getting none, and our cards were out of love. 

 

Edited by Cupcake55
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13 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

 

I remember when I called the neighbor by her 1st name, it was because I heard my big sister, who was 12 years older, did it so I figured it was OK.  My Mother just slapped me across the face and said, '' Her name is Mrs. so&so you do not call Midge."  Yet she NEVER explained the Y to me. My Mother abused me but not my sister or older brother, so I was afraid of her to some extent.  We were poor and I was a mistake (so I heard ) so I think  she took the burden out me.

Another thing that upset me was when I said I forgot to send a card because I was sick I didn't even get a call to ask what was wrong. I'm not young so it did hurt, NOT a surprise, but it still hurt. 

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My Southern roots allowed me to call my elders by their first name if I used "Miss" or "Mr" in front of the name. The only exception was the parents of my neighborhood friends. Other titles were also strictly observed "Aunt" "Uncle", "Pastor/Reverend", etc...

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10 hours ago, godsgifts said:

I remember when I called the neighbor by her 1st name, it was because I heard my big sister, who was 12 years older, did it so I figured it was OK.  My Mother just slapped me across the face and said, '' Her name is Mrs. so&so you do not call Midge."  Yet she NEVER explained the Y to me. My Mother abused me but not my sister or older brother, so I was afraid of her to some extent.  We were poor and I was a mistake (so I heard ) so I think  she took the burden out me.

Another thing that upset me was when I said I forgot to send a card because I was sick I didn't even get a call to ask what was wrong. I'm not young so it did hurt, NOT a surprise, but it still hurt. 

All my FOO Maternal Aunt's were like this...You WILL address me as AUNT so and so. We also had much more respect for them. Too bad your mother didn't explain it to you as sometimes that is all that is needed. You were not a mistake, God doesn't make mistakes. Hope you realize that now.

It's strange now being an adult and the elders I had around me that we had to address as Mr. and Mrs. now ask to be addressed by their first names. NO SIR! NO MA'AM! You are and will always be MR so and so and Mrs. so and so. For DH it's the same but I don't have a problem addressing the elders he grew up with by their first names because I never knew them as Mr. and Mrs. Crazy!

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12 hours ago, godsgifts said:

and I was a mistake

It's sad she viewed you as a mistake. Unplanned pregnancies are "surprises" in my view... 

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10 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

All my FOO Maternal Aunt's were like this...You WILL address me as AUNT so and so. We also had much more respect for them. Too bad your mother didn't explain it to you as sometimes that is all that is needed. You were not a mistake, God doesn't make mistakes. Hope you realize that now.

It's strange now being an adult and the elders I had around me that we had to address as Mr. and Mrs. now ask to be addressed by their first names. NO SIR! NO MA'AM! You are and will always be MR so and so and Mrs. so and so. For DH it's the same but I don't have a problem addressing the elders he grew up with by their first names because I never knew them as Mr. and Mrs. Crazy!

I go to quite a few Dr.'s now and I just mentioned to my husband how so many say or yell as I leave : "Good bye Anne" and I feel welcome in the office, not like an Old Lady.  Things have change so much over the years and now of days it just seems you go with the flow or your considered OLD. I am OLD but don't want to be an old Fuddy  Duddy as the saying goes. I can just see my Grand Mother as old and I don't want to be her, old and crabby.    LOL  

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9 hours ago, Mame925 said:

It's sad she viewed you as a mistake. Unplanned pregnancies are "surprises" in my view... 

My Mother was a little old gal from Scotland raised in an orphanage and I guess it was just her way. But when I got pregnant out of wed-lock it was World War II,  I dated a boy 1 1/2 yrs before he went in the Marines & I got pregnant. He actually got our of Boot Camp (usually unheard of) and came right home and we got married. MY Mother made me hide it for 5 mos, and tell my friends my due date and married date was so I looked like I was married BEFORE  I got pregnant. My friends knew the truth. Anyway, she had made me feel all my life like my son was a mistake. One aunt said to me,  no your baby is  "Your Love Child, made out of Love before your husband went into the Marines." I will never forget her saying that to me, and also never forget my Mother and all her nasty name calling for years.  

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@godsgifts I like your aunt's style

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