• Announcements

    • LatoyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LatoyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
SueSTx

Common newborn visitation

33 posts in this topic

I know that isn't a "normal" for new mothers wanting visitors, but what was your personal preference?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I had babies nearly forty years ago, the newborns were kept in the nursery and only brought out during feeding times with only the parents allowed.  I know times have changed as have many birthing practices.

As a mother of a new baby, what was your wishes for visitors? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I appreciated the visits, the companionship and the birthing stories that were shared, some of which I was part of- Some joyful, some sad and I suppose were told to me not to frighten me but to be realistic- With the first there was a lot of advice offered until I caught on- Of course each birth is different- I also asked for advice of those older than myself as well as other new moms regarding what to do about this or that issue- I made plenty of mistakes as a young, new mother and as an older one too but for me it was no mistake to have visitors at the hospital and also after I returned home with each baby- I truly cherish those memories and those who took an interest in me and my kids when they were born-

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To this day I resent the the people who barged into the hospital room to visit "their" granddaughter/niece etc while I was trying to recover from an emergency c-section. It was all about their experience, their needs, and their wants. The price was paid by me and my husband who needed quiet recovery and bonding time with our daughter. 

If they could have given us one day or even a few hours, or just have given us time for the nurses to make sure I was stable after the surgery and had a chance to hold my baby for half an hour. 

Give the new parents time unless you are specifically invited.  

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And my last birth was was rough, my placenta had slightly become detached, lots of bleeding, also had a varicose vein in my abdomen which was weird and painful, super long labor, cord was wrapped around the baby's hand, I had impacted bowel and was sick throughout the pregnany with a disease that I had no idea I had- Without visitors early on Id of had an even rougher time-

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Komorebi said:

And my last birth was was rough, my placenta had slightly become detached, lots of bleeding, also had a varicose vein in my abdomen which was weird and painful, super long labor, cord was wrapped around the baby's hand, I had impacted bowel and was sick throughout the pregnany with a disease that I had no idea I had- Without visitors early on Id of had an even rougher time-

I am glad that when you wanted visitors they were there for you. They respected your wants as a patient and new mother. 

Unfortunately if the wants of the new parents are to not have visitors many people don't want to give them the same respect.

I think we should all let the new parents decide the visitation schedule.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, darkprincess said:

I am glad that when you wanted visitors they were there for you. They respected your wants as a patient and new mother. 

Unfortunately if the wants of the new parents are to not have visitors many people don't want to give them the same respect.

I think we should all let the new parents decide the visitation schedule.

I honestly dont remember being asked if I wanted visitors- It was just the way it was so I guess its what I expected- For us, and by us I mean family and friends, its the way it was- When there was a birth it was a joyful event, a milestone, a new life, a shared celebration- I cant say with any certainty what would have happened if any new parents requested no visitors until, but I like to think that aside from disappointment the request wouldnt have been an issue- Just honored as a common courtesy- Some might have considered the request a cause for concern? But to be fair, I truly dont know-

The grandparent that posted in the grannygreensmith thread, that is now locked, was notified of her daughters decision via text -- which in my book is not a common courtesy- I think it would be best to honor the request but after everything that was done for that expectant mother "I think" .. well .. I personally would jump thru that hoop- But if more hoops are presented in the future, after the baby is born? I wouldnt jump through any more- I know plenty would and would bend over backwards indefinitely- But I cant see me doing that -- again- Ever- Much as I sometimes like to imagine I would- 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

21 hours ago, Komorebi said:

I honestly dont remember being asked if I wanted visitors- It was just the way it was so I guess its what I expected- For us, and by us I mean family and friends, its the way it was- When there was a birth it was a joyful event, a milestone, a new life, a shared celebration-

 

This was my experience, also. Most people, as I recall, though, waited till the next day. It didn't occur to me to have a "preferemce" - it was just how things were. I was happy to see them, however, and for them to see my new baby, even if only through the nursery window (as Sue says, babies were only brought to the moms to feed, and then, no visitors were allowed in the room). Frankly, I would have been hurt if family and friends weren't eager to meet my new baby and share DH's and my joy. But that's just me.

Edited by RoseRed135
typo
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had my three children via c-section and I was very happy to have visitors.  First, because I would have been beyond offended if my family and friends didn't want to meet my babies. Second, having someone to pick up the baby and hand the baby to me, assist me to the bathroom,  take care of the baby so I could rest was lifesaving.   Third, I liked the company.  With my last child I had spent six week on bedrest, so I was all about visits.  Integrating my babies into my existing circle and knowing these pepole loved my kids and wanted to be involved in their lives was important to me.  My grown children have a very close relationship with my mom as do their children.   My sister's children do also.  I credit the level of personal contact and involvement from birth for these close relationships. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I credit the level of personal contact and involvement from birth for these close relationships. 

While I understand this position, many long distance (and even closer in distance) grandparents don't have the opportunity to have that personal contact yet they do have close relationships.

My FIL passed when my DD was only 13.  We lived a mere three miles away and during the summer specially she saw him twice a day when we went to do chores at the farm.  My own FOO lived over 500 miles away and the first thing DD asked to do was to call my Mom and ask her to come.  My parents dropped everything they had on schedule and drove through the night to be here the next morning when DD woke up.

There is more to a relationship than proximity. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In my opinion, L&D was much easier before technology allowed people to lay claim on or meddle in pieces of other mom’s delivery and hospital stay. Ahhhhhhh, to go back to easier times.

Nobody knew we had ODD until we each used the pay phone to call our mom after ODDs birth. My family (except my brother, he lived 2000+ miles away) and my PILs came to the hospital at staggered times, during visiting hours, to visit a moment and look at babies through the nursery glass.

With subsequent kids, mom or MIL knew because our big kids needed babysitting. Given our parents knew what was going on, they still had the good sense to wait quietly until called. Nobody was upset because they didn't get to visit me soon enough or see the baby when they wanted. Nobody tried to tell us what to do. Nobody said when to call, or any other nonsense. Everyone stayed in their lane and stayed out of our intimate event.

We do the exact same with our kids when they have babies, we follow their wishes. They are having babies, not us. No impact on us whatsoever. We can wait quite easily for the 5 minute hospital visit, we have no problem whatsoever going along with our kids' requests regarding their medical care and hospitalizations.

Honestly? This comes up a lot and the answer never changes: do what the person who rightfully owns the event wants. I don't want to wait in a hospital lobby, thankfully nobody has pushed us to do that. We don't want to be in L&D with our adult kids, however we did/have done what was asked of us when there was no alternative.

I'm assuming Sue started this post because of GGS's old post and the last reply before locked down. The poster in the last reply wants what she wants with no regard for her DD. That attitude won't play well into the future.

Sue gave an excellent, well thought out answer: "I urge you to not give your daughter anything else to worry about the first couple of days after the delivery.  Babies really don't change that much in the first week or so.  Maybe she just doesn't feel up to having you, your husband and your daughter all converging that first day.  You have been so good to welcome her into your home for the last four months and to give her a shower and such. I know you don't want to be remembered as being selfish, thoughtless, controlling and insensitive.  Going bowling or to the book club might be a great idea and just let her know that you will wait to visit until she feels like having company.  You don't want to jeopardize the next 18 years of your grandchildren's lives for a five minute visit on Monday."

Pity sake, babies really don't spoil, WAIT until new parents want visits.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, SueSTx said:

I credit the level of personal contact and involvement from birth for these close relationships. 

While I understand this position, many long distance (and even closer in distance) grandparents don't have the opportunity to have that personal contact yet they do have close relationships.

My FIL passed when my DD was only 13.  We lived a mere three miles away and during the summer specially she saw him twice a day when we went to do chores at the farm.  My own FOO lived over 500 miles away and the first thing DD asked to do was to call my Mom and ask her to come.  My parents dropped everything they had on schedule and drove through the night to be here the next morning when DD woke up.

There is more to a relationship than proximity. 

I guess close to me has a different context, not wrong just different.  My grown children  (with families of their own) make time to visit my mother at least bi-weekly.   They mow her grass,  do minor repairs, take her to a movie or out to eat. My nieces( also have families ) and my sister and her DH take my mom out to eat nearly every Sunday.  My DN's husbands also assist with mom's house needs.  Since DB has married and moved an hour away,  he, his DW and her children spend one weekend a month at DM.  Maybe I am odd,  but I feel much closer to friends and family I see frequently than those I see once year.  For me, close proximity makes the heart stay fonder.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I am very private and wanted no one there at hospital or at home. I also had high risk pregnancies...all children were preterm. my DD was 5 weeks early and my boys were 9 1/2 weeks early. I had emergency csections with both pregnancies. my DuH told MIL & SIL the moment I went to hospital with first child. even though I said I didn't want anyone there. they got there in an hour. I had emergency c section. We both were at hospital 3 days. they were there camping out, and they took joy in telling me details on my daughter, when I had not seen her due to my and my DDs medical situations . DuH took us home (remember she was 5 weeks early) . ILs were at my house, and had brought as many people as they could to my house. I was ******  (along with Exhausted, In pain, and  Anxious thinking about all the germs etc my doctor had just told me (and DuH) about. I however was trying not to start anything, so I said hello and thank you for coming but we are going to bed.  MIL and SIL hung out for a while, then took everyone home, just bring another round of visitors. I didn't even come out. they all probably got mad but I didn't care. how can anyone do that??? anyway we didn't tell them about boys until born, and they were in NICU for 6 weeks so I wouldn't allow MIL (except I allowed to show pics) to even see them until they were out of woods and only once. she did not Touch them.  I should have stopped all contact then, but I didn't...just an FYI my own mother and FOO were ok waiting until we gave the green light to come on all children (not at hospitals nor visiting until we thought it was ok)  just in case anyone thinks I was being selfish. 

Edited by SueSTx
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, JanelleK said:

In my opinion, L&D was much easier before technology allowed people to lay claim on or meddle in pieces of other mom’s delivery and hospital stay. Ahhhhhhh, to go back to easier times.

Nobody knew we had ODD until we each used the pay phone to call our mom after ODDs birth. My family (except my brother, he lived 2000+ miles away) and my PILs came to the hospital at staggered times, during visiting hours, to visit a moment and look at babies through the nursery glass.

With subsequent kids, mom or MIL knew because our big kids needed babysitting. Given our parents knew what was going on, they still had the good sense to wait quietly until called. Nobody was upset because they didn't get to visit me soon enough or see the baby when they wanted. Nobody tried to tell us what to do. Nobody said when to call, or any other nonsense. Everyone stayed in their lane and stayed out of our intimate event.

We do the exact same with our kids when they have babies, we follow their wishes. They are having babies, not us. No impact on us whatsoever. We can wait quite easily for the 5 minute hospital visit, we have no problem whatsoever going along with our kids' requests regarding their medical care and hospitalizations.

Honestly? This comes up a lot and the answer never changes: do what the person who rightfully owns the event wants. I don't want to wait in a hospital lobby, thankfully nobody has pushed us to do that. We don't want to be in L&D with our adult kids, however we did/have done what was asked of us when there was no alternative.

I'm assuming Sue started this post because of GGS's old post and the last reply before locked down. The poster in the last reply wants what she wants with no regard for her DD. That attitude won't play well into the future.

Sue gave an excellent, well thought out answer: "I urge you to not give your daughter anything else to worry about the first couple of days after the delivery.  Babies really don't change that much in the first week or so.  Maybe she just doesn't feel up to having you, your husband and your daughter all converging that first day.  You have been so good to welcome her into your home for the last four months and to give her a shower and such. I know you don't want to be remembered as being selfish, thoughtless, controlling and insensitive.  Going bowling or to the book club might be a great idea and just let her know that you will wait to visit until she feels like having company.  You don't want to jeopardize the next 18 years of your grandchildren's lives for a five minute visit on Monday."

Pity sake, babies really don't spoil, WAIT until new parents want visits.

Everyone wants what they want, no exceptions- The grandmother in the locked thread was upset due to the way in which her daughters request was presented- Her daughter made her request known via text- Evidently texting isnt the way in which they usually communicated, so the grandmother felt it was discourteous- Also considering how much her daughter relied upon her for support during the pregnancy it seems to me the daughter wasnt reluctant to her mother being invovled with her pregnancy- So of course the text came as a surprise- Pregnancy is no excuse for being discourteous and technology is no excuse either- The daughters desire for privacy is her business and it would be best to honor her request- 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had a different take on the grandmother in the locked threads story. I think she would be just as angry or disappointed or frustrated if she had been told in person, over the phone or by letter. I think her real problem was that she wanted to visit earlier than the new mom wanted. I also heard a frustration that she had done a favor for new mom and felt like new mom should allow the visit due to the favor.

i don't think that the method of communication being text was the big problem.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I agree with Janelle, times were much easier when we delivered ours.  No cell phones/text to make announcements and no baby passing during visiting hours.

Let's try to remember that our newest member that is having an issue with her own daughter (not a DIL) and she has had years to be used to how her DD communicates though she hasn't had the advantage of all the advise we have been privy to for many years sometimes.  I think in many cases it can be a knee jerk response..."What do you mean I have to wait overnight".

It just so happens that we were "told" by both DD/SIL and DIL/DS that we were expected to be waiting room warriors.  We live an hour and half drive from where they were delivering.   DD only had the one and I'm not so sure I would have followed her "wishes" a second time without explaining why I would rather stay home and keep GD and visit the next day.  With DILs second, both her Mom, sister and I were waiting.  DS insisted that we peek at the baby as they carried him down the hall after birth.  Both of theirs were taken to NICU nearly immediately and I declined visits there so her FOO could spend more time with them before they had to leave town.  I did stay in town to take care of big sister when required, but I didn't spend hardly anytime in Mom's room.

I think the best advice we can give to a new grandparent is to bend over backwards to do what we are asked to do as far as the first visit is concerned.  There are no do overs for the grandparents.  We can't manage how the expectant parents want things done, but we can manage our reaction to their request.

 

Edited by SueSTx
3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, JanelleK said:

In my opinion, L&D was much easier before technology allowed people to lay claim on or meddle in pieces of other mom’s delivery and hospital stay. Ahhhhhhh, to go back to easier times.

IMO, that's not just a matter of technology, but of the dynamics in the hospital. and what isn't. It seems to be that, somehow, when dads "left" the waiting room, it's as if it left a vacuum, and other family members began to fill it up (not that they had to). Also, no doubt, it's great that moms are now allowed to have their new babies in their rooms much of the time - wonderful for mom's/parents' bonding w/ baby. But, unfortunately, I think it has also led to more family members wanting/expecting to get to spend more time w/, hold, cuddle, and pass around baby when visiting at the hospital. (Not recommending that we go back to when babies spend most of their time in the nursery.) IMO, people should try to remember that these aren't "needs" or "traditions," but new ideas they've gotten, due to changes in recent years. And yes, I agree,  the answer is to simply respect the parents' wishes.

44 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

I agree with Janelle, times were much easier when we delivered ours.  No cell phones/text to make announcements and no baby passing during visiting hours.

 

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

5 hours ago, darkprincess said:

I had a different take on the grandmother in the locked threads story. I think she would be just as angry or disappointed or frustrated if she had been told in person, over the phone or by letter. I think her real problem was that she wanted to visit earlier than the new mom wanted. I also heard a frustration that she had done a favor for new mom and felt like new mom should allow the visit due to the favor.

i don't think that the method of communication being text was the big problem.

ITA^^^   Gifts with strings. That never works and is horribly self-serving, selfish, and petty.

People text, they Facebook, it's life.  Get a grip it's 2017.

5 hours ago, SueSTx said:

 I think in many cases it can be a knee jerk response..."What do you mean I have to wait overnight".

I think the best advice we can give to a new grandparent is to bend over backwards to do what we are asked to do as far as the first visit is concerned.  There are no do overs for the grandparents.  We can't manage how the expectant parents want things done, but we can manage our reaction to their request. YES YES YES

OK^^^^  Where would such a notion come from, IF a GP wasn't selfish and self-centered?

My sweetheart husband said something so wrong to MDS at lunch yesterday - I had to shred my lips, fold my hands together in my lap, and just roll my eyes. I don't typically have to force myself not to ask "what are you thinking?" He wasn't knee jerking, he was being selfish and self-centered. MDS laughed him off and allowed "Yep, we did just like you and mom did, Dad".

Grandparents can be as self-centered as they want, many AC wouldn't laugh it off, Siberian choice, imo.

To what Sue says below: Anyone would be anxious/nervous and likely have zero extra tolerance.

Edited by JanelleK
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can just imagine losing three babies during the second trimester...she has to be so scared and so anxious.  She can't have any energy left over for anybody else's expectations.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Everybody has expectations, they a are part of every relationship- When you cant give with a glad heart, dont give- But is it self serving to choose not to?  Courtesy is no different today than it was thirty years ago- Its an expression of consideration, appreciation and kindness- No different than saying thank you or please- I hope that the soon to be grandparent being spoken about doesnt think she isnt worth a simple courtesy because technology has put an end to it- Her daughter could have chosen to use her cell phone responsibly- She chose not to- Thats on her- 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Additionally .. if the daughter knew what her mothers response would be to her birthing plan AND accepted her assistance anyway, that's not self serving?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
58 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

I can just imagine losing three babies during the second trimester...she has to be so scared and so anxious.  She can't have any energy left over for anybody else's expectations.

And yet some women do have the energy, Sue- Just because some dont doesnt mean that all dont -- have the energy- Everyone is different ..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know a couple who lost many, but eventually one finally stuck- They were so overjoyed they were over the moon- Others desires to share in their joy were readily met- Everyone is different-

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I didn't open this thread to discuss any one person.  I asked what personal preferences were.

Yes everyone is different, but apparently ONE expectant mother is choosing to not have visitors the day of delivery.  That is her choice.  Did she flub up on communicating her wishes to her mother?  Possibly, we don't know their history.  My own DD and I have a difficult time with communication and I feel better 'having my responses in writing'...cover my butt you might say.

My point still is...follow the new moms wishes...always.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
54 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

I didn't open this thread to discuss any one person.  I asked what personal preferences were.

Yes everyone is different, but apparently ONE expectant mother is choosing to not have visitors the day of delivery.  That is her choice.  Did she flub up on communicating her wishes to her mother?  Possibly, we don't know their history.  My own DD and I have a difficult time with communication and I feel better 'having my responses in writing'...cover my butt you might say.

My point still is...follow the new moms wishes...always.

I agree- 

Aside from that, I don't need to know anyone's history, or preference, to detect that they are upset- 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now