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RoseRed135

Do you believe in "True Love"/"Soul Mates"/"The One"/etc? (Question of the Month, July 2017)

27 posts in this topic

I think the title speaks for itself...

Thoughts?

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Without a doubt......

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Look at divorce rates. At the end of the day "true love" is hand in hand with "true hate".  

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Yes, I do -- think such relationships exist- Kindred spirits, twin flames, soul mates- I've the tendency to think that hate isn't the opposite of these but rather a result of something lacking, something (or things) so deeply seated that it prevents one from becoming close and or intimate to/with another human being -- any other human being- And when I say intimate I don't necessarily mean sexually, I simply mean known-

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IDK.

I've heard the Bishop T.D. Jakes say the key to a lasting, fulfilling relationship is sharing the same core values.  It makes sense to me, however, I don't know how to tell whether or not someone is being dishonest (with even themselves) about their core values without making a significant emotional investment in that person.  

I don't think "True Love/Soul Mates/The One" just happens.  I believe it comes from a mutual commitment.  I'm reminded of the song Something That We Do, by Clint Black; specifically the lyrics "But it isn't something that we find, It's something that we do".

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Nope.

I think love is a choice, actions, commitment.

Instant lust, instant attraction, instinctual, "This person is going to be important in my life." definitely happens.

I guess it depends on what you think 'love' is, really.

I don't subscribe to 'soul mates' or similar. I just don't believe that there's only one shot at that kind of happiness.

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Wow! 5 replies and already, every one a little - or a lot - different! Much to think about here...

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On 7/1/2017 at 10:53 AM, PattyGram said:

Look at divorce rates. At the end of the day "true love" is hand in hand with "true hate".  

Or could it be that a love that turns to hate was never "true love" in the first place?

But perhaps, as Imp says, it "depends on what" someone thinks "love is"...

Edited by RoseRed135

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On 7/2/2017 at 11:27 AM, ImpishMom said:

 

I don't subscribe to 'soul mates' or similar. I just don't believe that there's only one shot at that kind of happiness.

Are you suggesting that a person might have more than one "soul mate?" Or that there are no "soul mates," at all?

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Unfortunately I do not. I really do not believe in everlasting love. Nothing last forever.

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18 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

Are you suggesting that a person might have more than one "soul mate?" Or that there are no "soul mates," at all?

Again, i guess it depends on your definition of 'soul mate'. If we're going with the Plato idea, that each person has a person who is the other half to their soul, then no, i don't believe that at all.

I don't believe that we are simply halves, and need another person, and only that person, to make us whole.

I *do* believe that there are ppl that are blazingly happy together, that simply 'click' or 'fit' like puzzle pieces...at least they do to the outside world. But there's actually a heck of a lot of work that goes into that relationship.

Ppl seem to think that if they're with their 'soul mate' that everything works, all the time.

I just don't buy it. I love my husband. We've both changed and grown during our marriage, but neither of us was wandering around, living a half existence, before the other came along.

I think that some folks buy so hard into the idea of perfection, of soul mates, that they cut and run when things aren't all butterflies and rainbows and dark days and hardships happen. B/c, yanno, if the person was REALLY their soul mate, these problems wouldn't happen.

Love is never enough, imo.

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Welcome redcountrymom.

I think love / commitment can last forever if both parties are committed to the union enough to stay.  Most relationships do change from the "hot and heavy" to more of a "slow and steady" IMHO.  I have many family members who were married 50+ years and never remarried after the death of their spouse.

My first marriage lasted all of four years and now I've been married for 42.  So, even I think there are deal breakers.

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1 hour ago, redcountrymom said:

Unfortunately I do not. I really do not believe in everlasting love. Nothing last forever.

Another welcome, redcountrymom! Glad you decided to come in and share your thoughts w/ us!

I take it you're saying that "true love" needs to be "everlasting?" And, apparently, you don't believe that anything is.

Hmmm... Is it possible, people, for love to be "true" and yet, go sour, eventually? Or is part of the definition of true love that it lasts "forever?"

Edited by RoseRed135

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1 hour ago, ImpishMom said:

Again, i guess it depends on your definition of 'soul mate'. If we're going with the Plato idea, that each person has a person who is the other half to their soul, then no, i don't believe that at all.

I don't believe that we are simply halves, and need another person, and only that person, to make us whole.

I *do* believe that there are ppl that are blazingly happy together, that simply 'click' or 'fit' like puzzle pieces...at least they do to the outside world. But there's actually a heck of a lot of work that goes into that relationship.

Ppl seem to think that if they're with their 'soul mate' that everything works, all the time.

I just don't buy it. I love my husband. We've both changed and grown during our marriage, but neither of us was wandering around, living a half existence, before the other came along.

I think that some folks buy so hard into the idea of perfection, of soul mates, that they cut and run when things aren't all butterflies and rainbows and dark days and hardships happen. B/c, yanno, if the person was REALLY their soul mate, these problems wouldn't happen.

Love is never enough, imo.

Good points, IMO!

But I'm wondering, everyone, how many people think of "soul mates" in the way Plato described and how many just think of them as people who seem to "simply 'click' or 'fit' like puzzle pieces?"

And going a little further, is Imp right - does it take more than love, "true" or not, to make a relationship last?

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Can love not be true? I mean if love is all encompassing, is there really anything that it doesn't include? If each person is truly unique, there simply isn't enough of each person to be "everything" until seen through the eyes of love- At which point whatever another doesn't have, doesn't matter- Maybe? I really don't understand Plato's take .. does it include same sex soul mates? I lean towards "looking" androgynous ..  I've been hit on by females thinking I was a guy, guys thinking I was a guy, women aware I am a woman and men aware I'm a woman-

Edited by Komorebi
Just wanted to state for the record that I'm straight .. :)

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On ‎7‎/‎3‎/‎2017 at 4:19 PM, RoseRed135 said:

Are you suggesting that a person might have more than one "soul mate?" Or that there are no "soul mates," at all?

I think that 'soul mate' is too confining.  That would I imply that you have one shot of finding that one person.  I just don't think that's the case at all.  I think there are many people out there that could be your 'soul mate' at that time in your life.  For instance at 20 (or any age since we continue to evolve as we age) you meet your soul mate.  You marry and ten years down the road after more life experiences you see that you've grown in different directions.  Is that person still you soul mate or have you both grown into people that make it not so?  No one really at fault just a part of life and how it changes us. 

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Enjoying all these replies, people!

While we're on the subject of love - a related question - Do you believe in "love at first sight?"

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46 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

Enjoying all these replies, people!

While we're on the subject of love - a related question - Do you believe in "love at first sight?"

I think so .. if attraction is a facet of love, sure-

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Interesting question! I don't believe that their is only one person to fall in love with. We seem to evolve over time and our needs/desires/goals seem to change. That being said, in my case I have been married 41 years to a person that I found out has lived a double life for all our married life. He is not the person that I thought he was. Our marriage has not been nice. He is an abusive person, a true narcissist and a pathological liar.

I was very attracted to and had a crush on a person when I was 18 that was a good friend of my now husband's. We stayed good friends and spent a lot of time together with him and his wife. When I figured out that my husband was an alcoholic, this person was my biggest help. When ever I need him, he came.  When my daughter was 16, his wife stated that she was going to divorce him and in my head said to myself "that's ok because we are meant to be together. I don't know how or when but maybe when we are 65 or so". After some time we did not see said friend for quite a few years and then found each other again. His wife had left him and we all got back together again. After some time, I realized that I was deeply in love with this man. But I knew that his values were the same as mine that he would never, ever do anything to damage his relationship with his friend and he never knew the hell that I was living in. I finally told him how I felt (another friend told me that he felt the same way about me) and then cut off all contact with him. I haven't seen him in 5.5 years but haven't given up hope that someday we will be together.

So does that mean that he is one true love? I don't know. I just know that I have a lot of love to go around and that if I don't get with him in this life, we will be together on the other side. Good enough. I just pray that everyone can find good love while they are here. Peace.

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@angelgirl61 do you attend Al-Anon meetings? If not, it may help you decide whether you are able/willing/not willing to stay in your marriage, and if you do stay help you make your part of the equation healthier for you.

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@angelgirl - Whoa! Thank you for trusting us w/ your personal story this way! My heart is w/ you!

Elsewhere on the board, you told us about how much you've thrown yourself into taking care of DS' children. Do you think your disappointment in your marriage could be fueling this, to some degree (besides, of course, your love for DS and the kids and your wanting to help them out)?

Also, hope you don't mind my asking, have you sought (marriage or individual) counseling at any time? Or considered divorce?

(((Hugs!)))

Edited by RoseRed135

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Meme and RoseRed, thank you for your comments and questions. Sorry but I have been too busy lately to be on the computer. I know that I probably shared too much info being that I am  new here but I have gotten way past the not telling it like it is stage. I hid his abuse for all except for the last three years of his emotional and verbal abuse of me. So to answer your questions, yes I attended Al Anon for many years and it truly was a life saver.  The person I live with (we share a mailing address and grand children ONLY!!) quit drinking over 30 years ago but alas, in hindsight, I realize that this was just a symptom of a bigger problem. He has a personality disorder and now that I understand the truth of this sham of a marriage, which I figured out thru many years of  individual (there is no point to marriage therapy for narcissists) therapy, Reiki , meditation and spiritual growth, I am okay with with my decisions.

 I have spoken to three different divorce lawyers and due to his likelihood of not being around much longer (poor health), it was advisable to wait it out for my financial gain. I know that sounds cold hearted and crass but it is the truth. Thank God that I was able to work at a good job for almost 40 years and have a couple of pensions, disability pay and Social Security. I have basically finances his entire life and all that he has. I want my investment back to live out my senior years. I am almost 62.

Now, onto the children (how did this all get out on the "true love" post LOL?). I apologize, I have probably started a scandal here and I really didn't mean to! Bottom line, their mom just could not handle raising children and grew up without a mother. I grew up with an abusive mother and wanted to bring my children up better. I did not realize what my husband did was abusive until way too late. So yes, part of my reason for taking on these kids (I realize 2 years after the fact!) was a second chance to do better than I did with my own. I was too afraid of the man I live with to stand up to him back then. Not any more!  I put him in his place any time he starts his garbage and DO NOT let him abuse these children or me in any way. I refuse to repeat the errors of my past. 

But the main reason that I took on these kids is because it became apparent that my son was in way over his head, I was hearing stories of him breaking their toys, fits of what sounded like rage and that, combined with the mom that has had CPS called on her three times now (She has a 2 year old also that is not my grandbaby), I decided that they needed a stable, loving, consistent home life. I have put aside my anger/disappointment at my son, because he is not the reason I decided to help there kids. The kids are the reason I am helping, I love them, they love me and he can go do what ever he wants. His opinion of me no longer matters to me. Thanks to you good people, I can see that now. So thank you for all your help. My couple of posts have transformed my thinking and your input has been so helpful. Thank you all for being who you are, full of love and caring! I only hope that i can repay the favor down the road. 

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Happy to be of service! My idea of 'repayment' in these situations is to play it forward....offer support to someone you see struggling...

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Ditto! And, once again, appreciate your honesty, angelgirl!

IMO, you're giving love and stability to those kids - and it seems they're giving new meaning to your life, as well.

Edited by RoseRed135
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EXACTLY! And because of them, I realized that I needed to reach out to more people both in person and on line and I have been extremely blessed to find many loving people to help me on my journey! 

 

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