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RecLucy

Old Style Grandparenting in a New Style World

37 posts in this topic

1 hour ago, oscarsmaman said:

You have my sympathy, RecLucy. I've had to watch a 6-year-old nephew eat mashed potatoes with his hands and an 11-year-old niece was crawling around people's legs on the floor under the table at a family dinner. No one batted an eye, and it was excruciating.

Well.....I take that back. The niece brushed up against her PGM's legs and the PGM said, "Oh, it's Niece. I thought it was the dog." And I said brightly with a smile, "Nope! It's niece! She's crawling around under the table! (Ironic grin.)" Niece then popped out sheepishly from under the table. Not a word from her mother the entire time. Just a confused look.

And now that I think about it, nephew was later enrolled in etiquette classes. I hope they stuck. Oh wait, no they didn't, he was using two spareribs as walrus tusks at a later family dinner at a restaurant. Never mind.

The kid in me is rolling on the floor over the spare ribs walrus tusks .. :)

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21 hours ago, Komorebi said:

The kid in me is rolling on the floor over the spare ribs walrus tusks .. :)

Right, props for creativity, but he took it too far with the seal-clapping and the "muuuuugh! Muuuuuugh! Muuuugh!" throaty grunts, for like 20 seconds.

One-third of a minute seems like an eternity when a 14-year-old is acting like a zoo animal in a busy family restaurant, especially when nearby tables are staring in disbelief at your group. Five seconds would have sufficed.

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This is another issue that makes me feel like a fossil.  It's no longer the norm, apparently, to teach children manners at a young age, so much so that a child with beautiful manners is a rarity and cause for celebration in my opinion.  I've heard a number of reasons given for this, "not important", "self-expression" etc.  Unfortunately the outcome seems to be a child and then young adult who is difficult and has problems navigating in social and work situations.  Manners are really nothing more than treating others as you'd like to be treated i.e. The "Golden Rule."  A toddler throwing a tantrum is age appropriate, though even a toddler will come to understand if it fails to get the desired response.  An older child throwing a tantrum is the object of scorn, even if it's the parents who deserve it.  As a GP, I wouldn't correct the child if parents are present, but might if I were alone with him/her and if the behavior was really objectionable.  Modeling good behavior is important too, and one way GPs can influence without interfering.  Being polite to the child and letting them see you interacting politely with others is significant.  As for jumping on furniture or screaming foul words at someone, etc I'd have to invoke the old " grandma's rules in Grandma's home" adage.  And the 11 yr old crawling around under a dining table full of people...I'd worry about the kid's emotional and mental health.  

My two concerns with my own GPs who are generally well-behaved is not acknowledging gifts in any way, and not picking up after oneself even as teens...clothes strewn, wet towels in the floor, food dishes left where they were emptied, etc.

Anonymous poster hash: e99d2...e6b

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Posted (edited)

 It's no longer the norm, apparently, to teach children manners at a young age, so much so that a child with beautiful manners is a rarity and cause for celebration in my opinion

IMO, a lot depends on what kind of "manners" we're talking about. I don't care so much if a child knows, say, which fork to use for which dish, but I do like "Please," "Thank you," "Excuse me," etc.

 Modeling good behavior is important too, and one way GPs can influence without interfering.

Love this ^^^^! It's probably one of the best ways any adult - parent, GP, teacher, etc. can impact on kids' behavior. But we GPs have to accept, I believe, that our example might not "influence" if the parents are teaching the kids differently, for whatever reason. And that the parents goals for their kids - even if it's "free expression" or whatever - generally trump anything we might have preferred.... JMHO...

Edited by RoseRed135

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On 7/6/2017 at 1:00 AM, RecLucy said:

When children display  behaviors (ie:  temper tantrums, yelling at parents/adults, running and jumping on furniture wrestling, rough housing indoors, cursing, ignoring when they are spoken to, etc.)  I keep hearing adults say that it is "age appropriate" behavior.  A phrase that I interpret as "it's not right, but what can I do".  

My frustrations with a few  of my grandchildren (from two different households)  is the 'running and jumping, wrestling, rough housing indoors, ignoring when they're spoken to....It's frustrating for me and DH to even be in the same gathering at times.  Someone  IS  going to get hurt as there ages are 1  to 11 years old here.  We've been 'reprimanded'  with  things like  "We are watching our children, you don't need to step in"   and  "Well I've Googled it and it says thus and thus...."   Sigh.... It is so complicated!   And 'no' i didn't raise my children like this nor was i overly strict.  Just common sense parenting ....

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18 minutes ago, Jafacano said:

My frustrations with a few  of my grandchildren (from two different households)  is the 'running and jumping, wrestling, rough housing indoors, ignoring when they're spoken to....It's frustrating for me and DH to even be in the same gathering at times.  Someone  IS  going to get hurt as there ages are 1  to 11 years old here.  We've been 'reprimanded'  with  things like  "We are watching our children, you don't need to step in"   and  "Well I've Googled it and it says thus and thus...."   Sigh.... It is so complicated!   And 'no' i didn't raise my children like this nor was i overly strict.  Just common sense parenting ....

No complication, don't go anywhere you know you'll be frustrated.

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

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Posted (edited)

9 hours ago, Jafacano said:

My frustrations with a few  of my grandchildren (from two different households)  is the 'running and jumping, wrestling, rough housing indoors, ignoring when they're spoken to....It's frustrating for me and DH to even be in the same gathering at times.  Someone  IS  going to get hurt as there ages are 1  to 11 years old here.  We've been 'reprimanded'  with  things like  "We are watching our children, you don't need to step in"   and  "Well I've Googled it and it says thus and thus...."   Sigh.... It is so complicated!   And 'no' i didn't raise my children like this nor was i overly strict.  Just common sense parenting ....

Welcome Jafacano! Glad you came in to talk w/ us!

Sorry you're so frustrated w/ some of your GC's behavior - or rather having to watch their behavior and not be able to do anything about it. It would aggravate me, too. And I know my DH would have a hard time keeping quiet about it.

I think, however, that we GPs have to trust that the parents really are "watching (their) kids" and that they'll step in if they see someone's about to get hurt and/or take care of them afterwards (except in those cases where the parents have proven to be neglectful, but I don't get the impression that's the case here). No doubt, that can be hard to do if you (general) have very different ideas about parenting... sigh... but clearly, trying to change things only causes conflict between you and the parents, unfortunately.

Granted, Incognito ea945...f93 makes sense when they say, "don't go anywhere you know you'll be frustrated." But, at the same time, I imagine you and DH don't want to miss out on time w/ these GC or on family events that they attend. So I guess you'll just have to grin and bear it, sometimes... sigh... Please feel free to come here and vent about it any time...

Edited by RoseRed135
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Posted (edited)

P.S. Actually, I realize you didn't ask for advice. But two more quick thoughts, if you're interested... Would it be possible, sometimes, to get your grands involved in a quieter, more "settled" activity? Perhaps play a board game w/ the older ones or tell a story to the little ones, etc.? Would this cut down some of the problem behavior?

The other thought is, perhaps you could cut back the number of times you're w/ these grands or spread out the visits more? Then you would still get to see them, but not face this frustration as frequently.

Edited by RoseRed135
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1 hour ago, RoseRed135 said:

Welcome Jafacano! Glad you came in to talk w/ us!

Sorry you're so frustrated w/ some of your GC's behavior - or rather having to watch their behavior and not be able to do anything about it. It would aggravate me, too. And I know my DH would have a hard time keeping quiet about it.

I think, however, that we GPs have to trust that the parents really are "watching (their) kids" and that they'll step in if they see someone's about to get hurt and/or take care of them afterwards (except in those cases where the parents have proven to be neglectful, but I don't get the impression that's the case here). No doubt, that can be hard to do if you (general) have very different ideas about parenting... sigh... but clearly, trying to change things only causes conflict between you and the parents, unfortunately.

Granted, Incognito ea945...f93 makes sense when they say, "don't go anywhere you know you'll be frustrated." But, at the same time, I imagine you and DH don't want to miss out on time w/ these GC or on family events that they attend. So I guess you'll just have to grin and bear it, sometimes... sigh... Please feel free to come here and vent about it any time...

Yes, and sometimes parents are watching their children hurt each other and/or others including adults- Some call it letting off steam- But I think there's a fine line between what's normal about rough housing and what isn't- What isn't normal about it are the injuries sustained and that these injuries are considered unintentional by many- The NFL thought it normal for players to sustain the injuries they did until it was made clear that there is a link between the concussions the players sustained and brain injury- Now "some" preventative measures are taken to reduce the number of concussions suffered- A single, supposed, unintentional accident can change the course of an innocent childs life -- an accident that a parent watched happen- 

 

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8 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

Yes, and sometimes parents are watching their children hurt each other and/or others including adults- Some call it letting off steam- But I think there's a fine line between what's normal about rough housing and what isn't- What isn't normal about it are the injuries sustained and that these injuries are considered unintentional by many- The NFL thought it normal for players to sustain the injuries they did until it was made clear that there is a link between the concussions the players sustained and brain injury- Now "some" preventative measures are taken to reduce the number of concussions suffered- A single, supposed, unintentional accident can change the course of an innocent childs life -- an accident that a parent watched happen- 

 

Points well taken, Komo!

Jafacano, have your GC ever actually hurt each other or anyone else while their parents just stood there "watching?."

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Whatever happened to "It's take a village".  I am asked to help with the grandchildren all the time, and while enjoyable, I do feel I do way more than a lot of grandparents might be asked to do and then it becomes more like helping to raise them.  But I also feel it's part of our job, as grandparents, to help mold them into good adults.  I respect both my daughter's rules, and I enforce them, but when I have bought all my daughter's furniture and I see her kids abusing it, I will say something.  But quite honestly, even if I hadn't bought it (they have huge financial woes) I'd still say something because 1) it is dangerous 2) it is destructive and kids need to learn how to treat objects and 3) my daughter has 5 small kids and does not have eyes in the back of her head and she has very little control as a result.  (hubby is always glued to video games and doesn't see anything going on around him.)  Both my daughters seem ok with what little I do intervene and the SIL's both seem o.k. with it.  So, I do not think trying to help my grand kids become the best, most responsible self they can be is a bad thing.  I think that is what is wrong with this world.  Too many parents can't be bothered with discipline.  They want to be their children's friends.  I do believe firmly it takes a village. Aunts and Uncles even help and will direct one of the grandchildren if they are misbehaving.  But Mostly I will usually bring it up delicately with my daughters.  We have an agreement that if I feel really strongly about something, that I can voice it once.  Whether they take my advice or not is their choice.  But they both want to raise their children the same way I raised mine, so I imagine that helps.  Every situation is different and I agree with those of you who do have to bite your tongue because the parents don't want help. We simply have to respect that.   But it makes me sad because the kids are the ones missing out on the ties of close amily having a vested interest in how they develop and mature as young adults. 

 

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Welcome @Joey8I see you are starting to find your way around.

We do, however, ask that threads more than 3 months old not be brought back to the top. Please look around, I know you will find other places to post. Your comments are appropriate and enlightening. Looking forward to getting to know you better...

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