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Cupcake55

Have you seen this? Thoughts?

24 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

I came across this today - Self Coaching 101 on the Life Coach School site.

I don't know her name, didn't see it anywhere but she says, in a nutshell:

Don't feel hurt by what other people say.
1. Acknowledge what the other person is doing. Separate out what the other person says or does. What they do is separate from you. What they do doesn't hurt your feelings. What they say doesn't hurt your feelings. What other people do doesn't affect you at all. Until...
2. Acknowledge what you are thinking and to acknowledge that, that is what hurt your feelings. You have a thought about it. What they say doesn't hurt. What hurts is your thinking. Your thoughts create your feelings.
3. Change your thinking. No matter what any one else says or does, you can have control over how you feel and what you decide to think on purpose.

Thoughts?

Edited by RoseRed135
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14 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

I came across this today - Self Coaching 101 on the Life Coach School site.

I don't know her name, didn't see it anywhere but she says, in a nutshell:

Don't feel hurt by what other people say.
1. Acknowledge what the other person is doing. Separate out what the other person says or does. What they do is separate from you. What they do doesn't hurt your feelings. What they say doesn't hurt your feelings. What other people do doesn't affect you at all. Until...
2. Acknowledge what you are thinking and to acknowledge that, that is what hurt your feelings. You have a thought about it. What they say doesn't hurt. What hurts is your thinking. Your thoughts create your feelings.
3. Change your thinking. No matter what any one else says or does, you can have control over how you feel and what you decide to think on purpose.

Thoughts?

Interesting idea. My reaction to it is mixed. OTOH, I agree, the way you (general) think often does impact the way you feel. If you're a GP, for example, and you believe that you "should" get to see your GC at certain specific intervals, you're likely to feel hurt if that doesn't happen. Or, for another example, if, as a parent, you're hoping the GPs will approve of your way of raising your kids, you're likely to be offended if they make it clear that they don't.

In fact, following this advice might be a good start to lowering expectations or even developing that sense of "loving detachment" that is often mentioned here. Going back to my examples about, if the GP lowers/lets go of their expectations about the frequency of visits, they might feel happier about the visits they do get to have. Or if the parent lets go of the need for the GPs' approval/decides to concern themselves less w/ the GPs' criticisms, they are likely to feel better, as well.

OTOH, in some cases, IMO, it's important to be aware of it if someone is trying to hurt you or overstep boundaries, etc. That person may be toxic to you/your family and you may need to lower contact w/ them, etc. IMO, also, the rude/cruel/PA person shouldn't necessarily get off the hook b/c you're not letting their words affect your feelings. In some instances, you might need to find a balance between standing up for yourself and not letting the hurtful words affect you. Not always an easy balance to strike, I'm afraid.

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I don't think it's a matter of control but a matter of noticing- Nobody is a stone, the ebb and flow of emotions are normal- How we respond to them, once we notice them rise up, is a practice- We learn to walk, we learn to run, better with each stride and step- One can also improve how closely they pay attention to their emotions rising up as well as determining how to respond to their arising-

Before a person can successfully accomplish what the author loosely suggests one would have to have some understanding of the true meaning of detachment- And to understand the true meaning of detachment one would have to first understand interconnectedness- Without understanding interconnectedness the practice of detachment gets fudged-

Everything in the infinite universe is connected in one way or another and anything that breaks away from one thing or another within it remains part of the whole -- not separate from the whole-

The definition of detachment, for the purpose of this conversation, means to remove the root-

When one doesn't remove the root suffering continues- Which is why when someone cuts another out of their lives they still continue to suffer emotionally- They certainly suffer less, but not completely because they haven't removed the root which is within them that is attached to the circumstance or person removed -- or both- So they experience an emotional tugging and as a result they suffer-

But to suggest "don't feel"? No- Feeling is necessary- If one doesn't feel the root they wouldn't know to remove it- They would be ignorant of the fact that it exists- The first Noble Truth in Buddhism is that life is suffering- If one doesn't suffer, one isn't moved to remove the root -- only move further and further from the truth with the ever increasing weight of their baggage that they're attached to-

I think what I expressed is what the author attempted to communicate-

 

15 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

I came across this today - Self Coaching 101 on the Life Coach School site.

I don't know her name, didn't see it anywhere but she says, in a nutshell:

Don't feel hurt by what other people say.
1. Acknowledge what the other person is doing. Separate out what the other person says or does. What they do is separate from you. What they do doesn't hurt your feelings. What they say doesn't hurt your feelings. What other people do doesn't affect you at all. Until...
2. Acknowledge what you are thinking and to acknowledge that, that is what hurt your feelings. You have a thought about it. What they say doesn't hurt. What hurts is your thinking. Your thoughts create your feelings.
3. Change your thinking. No matter what any one else says or does, you can have control over how you feel and what you decide to think on purpose.

Thoughts?

 

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Posted (edited)

18 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

I came across this today - Self Coaching 101 on the Life Coach School site.

I don't know her name, didn't see it anywhere but she says, in a nutshell:

Don't feel hurt by what other people say.
1. Acknowledge what the other person is doing. Separate out what the other person says or does. What they do is separate from you. What they do doesn't hurt your feelings. What they say doesn't hurt your feelings. What other people do doesn't affect you at all. Until...
2. Acknowledge what you are thinking and to acknowledge that, that is what hurt your feelings. You have a thought about it. What they say doesn't hurt. What hurts is your thinking. Your thoughts create your feelings.
3. Change your thinking. No matter what any one else says or does, you can have control over how you feel and what you decide to think on purpose.

Thoughts?

Something about this bothers me.

"I think you're a fat, ugly slob, a terrible spouse, and your children will suffer every day with you as their parent!"

According to the author, it's not the speaker's fault your feelings were hurt, but yours, b/c your thoughts allowed it.

It appears to blame the victim of verbal abuse for being harmed by verbal abuse. "Anyone can say anything they want, it's your problem if you're hurt by it." Uh...no. That's not how humans work.

ETA: It's basically a grown up version of "Sticks and stones, may break my bones..." Since 'uttering death threats' is a criminal offence, I'd say that the idea doesn't hold much water.

Edited by ImpishMom
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Posted (edited)

19 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

I came across this today - Self Coaching 101 on the Life Coach School site.

I don't know her name, didn't see it anywhere but she says, in a nutshell:

Don't feel hurt by what other people say.
1. Acknowledge what the other person is doing. Separate out what the other person says or does. What they do is separate from you. What they do doesn't hurt your feelings. What they say doesn't hurt your feelings. What other people do doesn't affect you at all. Until...
2. Acknowledge what you are thinking and to acknowledge that, that is what hurt your feelings. You have a thought about it. What they say doesn't hurt. What hurts is your thinking. Your thoughts create your feelings.
3. Change your thinking. No matter what any one else says or does, you can have control over how you feel and what you decide to think on purpose.

Thoughts?

I think this is easier said than done, and even a monk who dedicated his/her practice to this form of mental detachment would have to work hard to get to this state. 

I do agree that a lot of bad behavior is about the person who is behaving poorly and this person is showing you who they are.  However, when you are on the receiving end of it, it causes a reaction in you whether it be something minor such as brief distress or anger or a more major reaction that leaves emotional scars.  I think the above statements tend to marginalize this part of it and sure puts a lot of responsibility on the wronged party to just get over it since it wasn't about you in the end. 

I've been dealing with his issue with regard to my MIL.  Although I can see that my MIL's behavior towards me stemmed from her issues with abandonment and her resentment, I was on the receiving end of her bad behavior and my marriage was interfered with when she acted out.  This caused stress in my life and to my marriage.  I needed to process this part of it and am still working through ongoing issues, since this family is still in DH's life, and anyone who gave me the drivel from this Life Coach would have not been helpful to the process. 

Edited by BSW
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Posted (edited)

Thanks, ALL, for your input so far. I agree with Imp, something about this bothered me but I wanted to make sure it wasn't "me". I did listen to a short 2ish minutes video and what she said was, if someone told you something negative about your blue hair, but you didn't have blue hair, you'd think, "this person doesn't know what they are talking about" but if someone said something negative about your color hair, you might think, yeah, my hair is ugly or you've never liked it or something like that so you get your feelings hurt. The thing is though, if you hear often enough your dumb (or whatever) you do start to believe it. Not everything can be "water off a ducks back" not hurt you (general). I wanted to make sure it wasn't just me this felt "wrong" hearing. Otherwise it's gas lighting and rug sweeping at it's finest, right?

Edited by Cupcake55
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I do give the author credit for making an effort to attempt to teach a technique that could result in less emotional damage- He/she is on the right track, I think-

I no longer think that if I hear anything often enough that I will eventually come to believe it- I do consider it because it could be the truth- But like anything else I have to figure it out for myself, nobody else can figure it out for me- They can certainly attempt to hinder my finding out or assist by offering encouragement- But it's up to me- Just for a moment, think UFO's, or something you (general) 99.9% don't believe in- Do you think someone could convince you of their existence?

I don't buy into positive reinforcement either for the same reason- When I'm happy, I'm happy and when sad, sad- I've no desire to feel sad about feeling sad or feel that it's necessary to be happy all the time- One time I had the pleasure of witnessing someone who suffered from from crushing depression laugh so hard they cried and peed their pants- I wish they witnessed it too before they slipped back into their funk- It was if they didn't even notice-

If someone can make me laugh, they can also make me cry, too- But I think it's up to me to decide "how to feel" about them making me laugh or making me cry-

 

6 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

Thanks, ALL, for your input so far. I agree with Imp, something about this bothered me but I wanted to make sure it wasn't "me". I did listen to a short 2ish minutes video and what she said was, if someone told you something negative about your blue hair, but you didn't have blue hair, you'd think, "this person doesn't know what they are talking about" but if someone said something negative about your color hair, you might think, yeah, my hair is ugly or you've never liked it or something like that so you get your feelings hurt. The thing is though, if you hear often enough your dumb (or whatever) you do start to believe it. Not everything can be "water off a ducks back" not hurt you (general). I wanted to make sure it wasn't just me this felt "wrong" hearing. Otherwise it's gas lighting and rug sweeping at it's finest, right?

 

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Yeah, from the very top, "Don't feel hurt by what other people say," I thought, "Balderdash."

Anyone who tells anyone not to feel something, is incredibly naive. Feel it. Embrace it. Learn from it. Don't pretend you have any control whatsoever about how you feel-- only what you DO with those feelings. Perhaps that's what she was trying to say, but she kept it too simplistic and naive to be much good. And yes, it IS gaslighting.

Imagine if she'd said, "If someone throws a rock at your head, don't be hurt. The rock didn't hurt, it's your body lying to you and telling you it hurt." That's moronic. Your body's pain is sending your mind information to get away from the hurt. Your mind is connected to your body, and the pain is telling your mind to get away.

Stuffing "hurt," mentally and emotionally, is akin to standing their with a head full of bumps from all the rocks thrown at it. Believe who the rock-thrower is. If you can't get the rock-thrower to stop it, then get away.

My ILs are emotional and mental rock-throwers. "Oh, that didn't hurt, you're just SENSITIVE." "Oh, it was a joke, Oscar!" "Gosh, I can't even throw a pebble at your head without you getting mad! I have a right to throw pebbles, and since we're family, I expect you to take it!"

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2 hours ago, oscarsmaman said:

Yeah, from the very top, "Don't feel hurt by what other people say," I thought, "Balderdash."

Anyone who tells anyone not to feel something, is incredibly naive. Feel it. Embrace it. Learn from it. Don't pretend you have any control whatsoever about how you feel-- only what you DO with those feelings. Perhaps that's what she was trying to say, but she kept it too simplistic and naive to be much good. And yes, it IS gaslighting.

Imagine if she'd said, "If someone throws a rock at your head, don't be hurt. The rock didn't hurt, it's your body lying to you and telling you it hurt." That's moronic. Your body's pain is sending your mind information to get away from the hurt. Your mind is connected to your body, and the pain is telling your mind to get away.

Stuffing "hurt," mentally and emotionally, is akin to standing their with a head full of bumps from all the rocks thrown at it. Believe who the rock-thrower is. If you can't get the rock-thrower to stop it, then get away.

My ILs are emotional and mental rock-throwers. "Oh, that didn't hurt, you're just SENSITIVE." "Oh, it was a joke, Oscar!" "Gosh, I can't even throw a pebble at your head without you getting mad! I have a right to throw pebbles, and since we're family, I expect you to take it!"

Good point about the rock throwing and pain. I don't think she said don't feel, but rather to acknowledge what you think is what hurt you, not what the other person said. I wonder what she would have said in the instance of if someone throws a rock at you. Scream abuse!? Yes, abuse, no matter if words or actions, is still abuse.

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My mother was the champion of "Don't feel that way"....Seriously? My entire childhood & young adulthood was spent trying to figure out why I was wrong all the time...and the suspicion in the back of my mind that it couldn't possibly be only me...Turns out that suspicion was correct...it wasn't just me. My mom didn't know how to deal with children who held different beliefs/instincts...she thought that whatever she taught us was how we were supposed to be and deviation from her plan was "just being ornery" to spite her. So she never got to appreciate me for who I actually am...her loss

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44 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

My mother was the champion of "Don't feel that way"....Seriously? My entire childhood & young adulthood was spent trying to figure out why I was wrong all the time...and the suspicion in the back of my mind that it couldn't possibly be only me...Turns out that suspicion was correct...it wasn't just me. My mom didn't know how to deal with children who held different beliefs/instincts...she thought that whatever she taught us was how we were supposed to be and deviation from her plan was "just being ornery" to spite her. So she never got to appreciate me for who I actually am...her loss

She or he, doesn't matter- I'm not who others wish me to be- :)  Including mom-

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On ‎7‎/‎9‎/‎2017 at 6:32 PM, Cupcake55 said:

I came across this today - Self Coaching 101 on the Life Coach School site.

 

Self Coaching 101 on doing what you want and saying what you want without ever having to be held accountable for how you make others feel.

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As a new person to this forum, I found the author's advice interesting. I don't think it's a foolish idea. The author isn't saying to completely ignore the hurtful things someone says about you, but to acknowledge them and and how you think about them. Thoughts and emotions are heavily intertwined in brain processing. So if you then decide you have control over what you think, you can decide not to feel hurt.

I have had a lot of experience with this in the last few years, as an unfriendly group of family members have put me and my husband on VLC, and  cut-off by one member who is influential and has been particularly antagonistic for a long time.  It has been an uneasy relationship with this group for many decades, and the several-year-old controversy poured gasoline and fanned the low flames into a roaring blaze.  I wasn't blameless and I have apologized and tried to make amends for my part in this for several years now, but these efforts have been rebuffed.  This has been extremely hurtful, I have cried a lot and felt a lot of very painful emotions. 

I am ready not to be hurt in this situation any longer. That requires changing my thinking. For example, instead of thinking of the lost opportunities that we are missing because we are never invited to family events, I am re-organizing to think of these non-invitations as opportunities to have time to do something else that we wouldn't be able to do otherwise. 

One problem is that these unfriendly relatives have co-opted my daughter-in-law but not, I am relieved to say, my son so far. So that is a concern and it is all a struggle. But I am determined to stop feeling wilted and hurt by their attitudes and to take control about how I think about the situation. 

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On 7/9/2017 at 7:32 PM, Cupcake55 said:

Don't feel hurt by what other people say.
1. Acknowledge what the other person is doing. Separate out what the other person says or does. What they do is separate from you. What they do doesn't hurt your feelings. What they say doesn't hurt your feelings. What other people do doesn't affect you at all. Until...
2. Acknowledge what you are thinking and to acknowledge that, that is what hurt your feelings. You have a thought about it. What they say doesn't hurt. What hurts is your thinking. Your thoughts create your feelings.
3. Change your thinking. No matter what any one else says or does, you can have control over how you feel and what you decide to think on purpose.

Thoughts?

Much easier said than done, I have a similar issue with guilt. I have a lot of self-guilt regarding my DH decision to cut all contact with my MIL.  My brain knows that there was nothing that I could have done to make the situation any better, or to make it turn out differently, and my DH constantly reminds me that I was more than patient and fair with my MIL, and that it was not me personally, but the fact that I was in a relationship with him- and she would have treated anyone like this but.... my mind knows this, but my heart... well...

I used to blame my MIL for everything... just like she blames me for pretty much everything. But its all me, and its myself I get angry with most of all... I am pretty intelligent (not to be egotistical but still) and I know Its absolutely stupid! as in my mind I 100% know I did not do what my MIL accuses me of - and yet I will feel bad about it all the same. 

I (now) know that this is what a good therapist is for, not to "fix" the situation, but to help you personal cope with the whole thing and learn to control you own feeling about the situation. 

Aside: I would also advise, if you ever care to elaborate more on this subject to read the book "Fish" by Stephen C. Lundin, PHD and Harry Paul, and John Christensen.... its really based around "making your own attitude" in the work environment - but I used the lessons personally as well. 

 

Edited by Tobias41
Wording
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WOW...I don't know how I missed this topic when it was originally posted.  It sure gives a person lots to think about.

"Don't feel hurt by what other people say."   I understand the concert, of not giving anyone the power to hurt you, but that is easier said than done.

"What hurts is your thinking. Your thoughts create your feelings."  So, don't give a single thought to others and then you won't be hurt?

"Change your thinking."   So doesn't this go back to the fact that we can't change others, we can only change ourselves?

I'll have to give this whole concept further thought.

 

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I've learned that what other people think about me is none of my business. I'm not much of a people pleaser. I always try to start out on a level field with everyone...and keep good control over my own behavior. I'm sure there are people out there who don't like me...don't care. 

I can't help what my mother did or didn't do. I can only make sure I do the things that are important to me and in the best interest of my family.

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Welcome new member.  If that is your actual name and you wish to change it for greater privacy, you can find the instructions here

 

 

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10 hours ago, JuliaArmstrong said:

As a new person to this forum, I found the author's advice interesting. I don't think it's a foolish idea. The author isn't saying to completely ignore the hurtful things someone says about you, but to acknowledge them and and how you think about them. Thoughts and emotions are heavily intertwined in brain processing. So if you then decide you have control over what you think, you can decide not to feel hurt.

I have had a lot of experience with this in the last few years, as an unfriendly group of family members have put me and my husband on VLC, and  cut-off by one member who is influential and has been particularly antagonistic for a long time.  It has been an uneasy relationship with this group for many decades, and the several-year-old controversy poured gasoline and fanned the low flames into a roaring blaze.  I wasn't blameless and I have apologized and tried to make amends for my part in this for several years now, but these efforts have been rebuffed.  This has been extremely hurtful, I have cried a lot and felt a lot of very painful emotions. 

I am ready not to be hurt in this situation any longer. That requires changing my thinking. For example, instead of thinking of the lost opportunities that we are missing because we are never invited to family events, I am re-organizing to think of these non-invitations as opportunities to have time to do something else that we wouldn't be able to do otherwise. 

One problem is that these unfriendly relatives have co-opted my daughter-in-law but not, I am relieved to say, my son so far. So that is a concern and it is all a struggle. But I am determined to stop feeling wilted and hurt by their attitudes and to take control about how I think about the situation. 

My heart so goes out to you! How hard it must have been for you and DH (dear husband) to be struggling w/ these issues w/ that "unfriendly group of family members" all these years!. And how cruel of them to turn your DIL against you! I'm glad your DS (dear son) hasn't turned, and I hope he remains in contact w/ you. (((Hugs!)))

I totally admire the way you've reorganized your thinking and hope it gets easier as time goes on. No doubt, you will get lots of support here.

Glad you brought your concerns to us, and at the same time, showed us a fresh perspective. That's always a good thing, IMO.

Meanwhile, please check out the name change thread that Sue posted above.

Welcome! :)  

Edited by RoseRed135

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6 hours ago, SueSTx said:

Welcome new member.  If that is your actual name and you wish to change it for greater privacy, you can find the instructions here

 

Thank you, my display name is a pseudonym I've never used anywhere before, so I think it's okay. Thanks for the heads-up about the information on the accounts page.

On 9/7/2017 at 0:48 PM, RoseRed135 said:

The following article is currently featured in the GP.com Newsletter and on the GP.com FB page

http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/mother-in-law-daughter-in-law/how-to-deal-with-a-difficult-daughter-in-law

So now I'm wondering, are any of you dealing w/ a family member/IL that you feel is P/A? Or have you done so in the past? Or have you observed someone else going through this? And, if you will, how do/did/would you handle it?

 

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Thank you, my display name is a pseudonym I've never used anywhere before, so I think it's okay. Thanks for the heads-up about the information on the accounts page.

@JuliaArmstrong - Yes, in that case, I definitely think your username is ok as is. Glad you appreciate the info, anyway. :)

I'm not clear, though, on why my OP (original/opening post) from the "Passive Aggression" thread is included in your above post. Is it a technical error?

Edited by RoseRed135

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Julia, you can do a search for many topics using the light blue box on the dark blue strip at the top of this page.  Read to your hearts content, but we mods ask that you not comment on a thread that is more than about 3 months old unless it is pinned at the top of a forum with a green thumb tack.

Commenting just a word or two on the newer threads will help you amass your ten posts needed to start your own topic for comments and advice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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12 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

 

Thank you, my display name is a pseudonym I've never used anywhere before, so I think it's okay. Thanks for the heads-up about the information on the accounts page.

@JuliaArmstrong - Yes, in that case, I definitely think your username is ok as is. Glad you appreciate the info, anyway. :)

I'm not clear, though, on why my OP (original/opening post) from the "Passive Aggression" thread is included in your above post. Is it a technical error?

Yes, a technical error, sorry. It showed up on my screen when I was writing the reply, I didn't think it would display here. Will read around more about posting details, and follow SueSTx advice re content.

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5 hours ago, JuliaArmstrong said:

Yes, a technical error, sorry. It showed up on my screen when I was writing the reply, I didn't think it would display here.

Ok, thanks for letting us know, Julia. :)

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On 7/9/2017 at 6:32 PM, Cupcake55 said:

I came across this today - Self Coaching 101 on the Life Coach School site.

I don't know her name, didn't see it anywhere but she says, in a nutshell:

Don't feel hurt by what other people say.
1. Acknowledge what the other person is doing. Separate out what the other person says or does. What they do is separate from you. What they do doesn't hurt your feelings. What they say doesn't hurt your feelings. What other people do doesn't affect you at all. Until...
2. Acknowledge what you are thinking and to acknowledge that, that is what hurt your feelings. You have a thought about it. What they say doesn't hurt. What hurts is your thinking. Your thoughts create your feelings.
3. Change your thinking. No matter what any one else says or does, you can have control over how you feel and what you decide to think on purpose.

Thoughts?

I agree that we have some control over how we feel, but if someone acts in a way that hurts our feelings (whether by words or deeds) we are going to feel hurt. We are human beings and we are entitled to expect others to treat us with kindness and respect, provided we treat them the same way. And to distance ourselves if they refuse to do so.

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