• Announcements

    • LaToyaADMIN

      Tell us about your experience with signing up for Medicare   01/23/18

      We want to know what the process was like for you, any difficulties you experienced, the length of your process, etc. This is strictly research and any information you share with us will not be shared elsewhere. Please email jack@grandparents.com with the subject line: Medicare Process and we'll be in touch with specific questions.
    • LaToyaADMIN

      PLEASE READ: We are moving the community   02/15/18

      Dear Community friends and family,   After great consideration, we are moving the Grandparents.com community to Facebook Groups effective March 15, 2018.   This wasn’t an easy decision, but we want to bring our communities together and believe the best place to do so is through Facebook’s groups feature. We’re so appreciative of you and the diverse conversations and opinions you have provided over the past 9 years. Your stories and amazing advice have helped so many readers, and have reached thousands of GP.com users. We encourage you to retrieve any information you want to retain as the forum will only be accessible by the admin after March 15, 2018. We’ve created a closed Facebook group called Mothers-in-Law Unplugged where we welcome you to continue the conversations around grandparenting, family, and in-law relationships, and any general topics we discuss here. As the group is closed and each user must be approved, your friends and family on Facebook won’t see any of your activity. Request to join the group here: http://bit.ly/milunplugged Thank you to all of our past and current users. You helped build our community, and we look forward to continuing to interact with you in the Facebook groups. If you have any questions about the groups and privacy, let’s chat about here:   Sincerely,   The Grandparents.com Team
noomanann

Distant wedding bells

13 posts in this topic

My middle son has announced engagement and forthcoming wedding to his partner in April 2019.  Feeling bit glum as my older son has very little to do with is brother who would like his brother as his groomsmen. Son's partner has lots of girlfriends and would ideally like a tribe of bridesmaids but my son has lost contact with all his friends and the only groomsman are really his brother and one other. Point is its weighing on me hard as this is how I am. My oldest son's girlfriend has a self esteem issue and has ******* and run down my middles son's partner and of course this has rubbed off on my oldest son, who of course will and always takes his loves side. When my 2nd grand baby was born, to middle son (soon to wed)  the mother texted my oldest and announced the birth and name, then he turns around and congratulates his brother on the birth via phone, no greetings to the mother at all. How can he be a decent groomsman if he wont acknowledge his brothers partner, because he has listened to his spouse's smear campaign.

How do grandparents have peace in their hearts when their grown adult children dont get along? It is something I can't leave alone, it will invade my mind and torture me. I have crap family of origin and its happening again with my own. So its something that will torture me and wont neccesarily be brought out to the open, I have lost family speaking my mind, so its done with heavy caution.

It is probably not a good idea to mention to son that the mother was not amused when she gave him birth announcment and then  proceeded to congratulate his brother but not his partner, if he is considered to be a groomsmen. This family already knows oldest son's partner wont even attend either event though she is invited.

I know this scenario happens the world over in various and same forms, so how do parents and grandparents keep the peace in the heart and mind knowing their grown kids cant stand or like their siblings partners wifes husbands etc. It seriously divides. :sorry: and taunts my head.

 

Edited by RoseRed135
guideline 5e

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, noomanann said:

My middle son has announced engagement and forthcoming wedding to his partner in April 2019.  Feeling bit glum as my older son has very little to do with is brother who would like his brother as his groomsmen. Son's partner has lots of girlfriends and would ideally like a tribe of bridesmaids but my son has lost contact with all his friends and the only groomsman are really his brother and one other. Point is its weighing on me hard as this is how I am. My oldest son's girlfriend has a self esteem issue and has ******* and run down my middles son's partner and of course this has rubbed off on my oldest son, who of course will and always takes his loves side. When my 2nd grand baby was born, to middle son (soon to wed)  the mother texted my oldest and announced the birth and name, then he turns around and congratulates his brother on the birth via phone, no greetings to the mother at all. How can he be a decent groomsman if he wont acknowledge his brothers partner, because he has listened to his spouse's smear campaign.

How do grandparents have peace in their hearts when their grown adult children dont get along? It is something I can't leave alone, it will invade my mind and torture me. I have crap family of origin and its happening again with my own. So its something that will torture me and wont neccesarily be brought out to the open, I have lost family speaking my mind, so its done with heavy caution.

It is probably not a good idea to mention to son that the mother was not amused when she gave him birth announcment and then  proceeded to congratulate his brother but not his partner, if he is considered to be a groomsmen. This family already knows oldest son's partner wont even attend either event though she is invited.

I know this scenario happens the world over in various and same forms, so how do parents and grandparents keep the peace in the heart and mind knowing their grown kids cant stand or like their siblings partners wifes husbands etc. It seriously divides. :sorry: and taunts my head.

 

(((Hugs!)))

It's hard to see those we love at odds w/ each other. My heart is totally w/ you on this.

Side note: I'm a little confused about ODS (oldest dear son's) situation though. At first you say "My oldest son's girlfriend...", and you have referred to her as his "girlfriend" elsewhere, but, at another point, you call her his "spouse." So, for now, I'm just going to refer to her as his SO (significant other).

Anyhow, at some point, you might let your DSs know their conflicts hurt you... maybe... if you haven't already. But I agree that it's not a good idea for you to say anything about any of the specifics going on now or in the recent past. Not just b/c of your (very well-founded, I think) fear of a rift w/ one DS or the other. But also b/c your DSs and their SOs are adults (even if they don't always act like it), and need to work their issues out themselves.

Since ODS (oldest dear son) "has very little to do with" MDS (middle dear son), chances are, he won't even agree to be a groomsman - especially when MDS is marrying the very woman ODS and his SO seem to dislike. That will solve one problem - How can he be a decent groomsman if he wont acknowledge his brothers partner, because he has listened to his spouse's smear campaign -  but, sad to say, might start another. However, if so, again, that will be something your DSs will have to deal w/.

Be that as it may, it sounds as if you've heard much more of MDS' and FDIL's (future daughter-in-law's) side of things than ODS' and SO's. Am I right? IMO, "parents and grandparents" can have more "peace in their hearts" if they don't hear all their AC's and CIL's, etc. gripes about each other. The next time MDS (or whoever) starts to complain to you about ODS (or whoever), it might be wise to avoid getting drawn deeper into the issue. What I mean is, it might be best to just make a brief sympathetic noise ("Ohhhh...") and then encourage them to try to resolve it w/ each other ("You'll have to work it out w/ each other" or, perhaps better, "I'm confident you 2 can work it out.").

Hope this idea helps! And congrats on MDS' upcoming wedding!
 

Edited by RoseRed135
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I take it that your three sons are all adults though their maturity can be brought into question due to their actions.  Being they are adults, I think I would just stand in the background during the wedding planning and be very quite and if asked assure them that I thought they could work things out between each other for the best.

My two are in their later thirties and I'm sure that if either were to have a life threatening accident or a severe illness that they would be there for each other...barring that, they are very low contact and I keep my nose out of it.  Even at Christmas, they are like ships passing in the night, maybe they see each other in passing here or maybe they don't.  Not my problem.  BUT do I have deep feelings about their situation...sure, but I can't "fix" it.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thankyou RoseRed135 and SueSTx I appreciate your feedback and insight, very valuble support there. I will take your advice and put it to good, I am too tired for this. I probably wont have the warm fuzzy family I envisioned one time but at least it will be peaceful. Sorry about the spouse /gf mix up, I get confused explaining eg, he said she said and who said. lol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, noomanann said:

Thankyou RoseRed135 and SueSTx I appreciate your feedback and insight, very valuble support there. Glad to hear it! I will take your advice and put it to good, Cool! I am too tired for this. I probably wont have the warm fuzzy family I envisioned one time but at least it will be peaceful. Well, there may not always be peace between the brothers, etc., but you won't be dragged into the middle.And they might solve issues more quickly and easily when they handle them on their own, anyway. Sorry about the spouse /gf mix up, I get confused explaining eg, he said she said and who said. lol. Ok, lol!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Noomanann, unfortunately you can't force your sons to get along.  No matter how hard people try sometimes it's just not meant to be.  Believe me I know.  My DH and his older brother were thick as thieves growing up but as they got older things changed.  Older brother married and soon after DH & I met.  Older brother took an immediate dislike to me and told DH.  DH didn't listen and we married a year later.  Things never really were the same.  Not sure if it was them just growing up and becoming different people or what.  For years DH and I tried to force a relationship with older brother and his family.  Final straw came 7 years ago when MIL was still alive.  She begged DH to get along with older brother but it just was too late.  I know she was upset about it but like your sons these are grown men who have to want a relationship.  If they don't, no matter what you say or how you tell them you feel it probably won't change things between them.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mdgrandma, did MIL tell older brother to get along with your DH also?  if not, she might have been talking to the wrong person.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎7‎/‎14‎/‎2017 at 8:35 AM, SueSTx said:

Mdgrandma, did MIL tell older brother to get along with your DH also?  if not, she might have been talking to the wrong person.

Sorry I've been 'out of it' for a bit....No MIL did not tell BIL to get along with DH.  Totally was DH's fault there were issues since BIL is the 'golden boy'.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Mdgrandma said:

Sorry I've been 'out of it' for a bit....No MIL did not tell BIL to get along with DH.  Totally was DH's fault there were issues since BIL is the 'golden boy'.

I think it's sorta silly to actually hold one AC as golden above the others. Our kids each drive us nuts more or less at different times over their behavior, but none of the 5 of them is a favorite/golden.

Currently MDS is the difficult one, and he is really being very difficult, but soon enough one of our other kids will replace him as supreme loon of the group.

Neither my husband or I love any of them more or less than the others - just because we dislike their actions. Beings I've never noticed favorite/golden in real life - it seems ridiculously shortsighted if parents actually have a favorite/golden child and not very stellar parenting, in my opinion.

Edited by JanelleK
clarity
2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
37 minutes ago, JanelleK said:

...I think it's sorta silly to actually hold one AC as golden above the others...

Neither my husband or I love any of them more or less than the others - just because we dislike their actions. Beings I've never noticed favorite/golden in real life - it seems ridiculously shortsighted if parents actually have a favorite/golden child and not very stellar parenting, in my opinion.

Agreed. In fact, I've never really understood favoritism. Every child, IMO, has some traits you (general parent) love, as well as some that you don't. If someone has a "golden child" and/or a "scapegoat," chances are, they're exaggerating in their mind the "good" traits of the favored child and/or the "bad" traits of the scapegoat. Or maybe they're just ignoring whatever (good or bad) doesn't fit this (unbalanced) picture.

@Mdgrandma - Yes, I've noticed you hadn't been here in a while. Good to have you back!

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

thanks Red....between work and vacation there's been no free time at all ;)

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Mdgrandma said:

thanks Red....between work and vacation there's been no free time at all ;)

I hear you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Mdgrandma said:

thanks Red....between work and vacation there's been no free time at all ;)

Agree with Rose, good to see you- :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now