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RoseRed135

When DIL becomes MIL...

9 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

A woman I know  ( I'll call her "Jody")  who had difficulties w/ her MIL, years ago, now finds herself having trouble w/ her DIL. (I'll call her "Sally."). Jody's own MIL was, as I recall, bossy, critical, and generally a boundary-stomper. Jody vowed never to be that kind of MIL, and, apparently, has been very careful not to be. But she and Sally seem to be having issues, anyhow.

More specifically, Jody says Sally, like her late MIL, is also "very critical,"  and gets angry at her "for every little thing."  She was even put in a TO by Sally, for a while, though that's behind them now. Jody says she used to think that when such rifts occurred, it was usually b/c of something the MIL had done. But now, she says she "has a different view," and believes those GPs who say they were distanced/CO "for no reason," etc.

Can't help but wonder if Jody just has the bad luck to have had 2 difficult women enter her life - first, her MIL, and now, her DIL. And/Or have her views changed simply b/c the shoe is now on the other foot? In fact,  I'm wondering, is it common for a DIL's views of the MIL/DIL relationship to change once/if she becomes a MIL? If you're a MIL, did this happen to you in any way? Or if you're not a MIL, do you think it could, given certain circumstances? Or ??

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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You post as if Jody is kind and friendly to you and shows you her good side. You feel her MIL was "critical, bossy and generally a boundary-stomper".  In IL relationships she has a not so nice side if both MIL and DIL are "very critical" and "get angry at her for every little thing" because there *is* a "reason" she's been distanced. IMHO, where there is smoke there is a fire smoldering.

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

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IMHO. there are "mean girl" personalities in every generation.  My MIL was definitely one.  Her own brother told me she had been "that way" all her life, but his kids adored her.  She kept that side hidden when around them.

I can usually get along with everyone...I even bit my tongue for nearly 20 years to get along with MIL, but when I've had enough, I've had enough and I will tell you just how the 'cow will eat the cabbage'.

My own daughter, bless her heart...is a real sweetheart at work.  She takes and takes and takes, but away from her job...she isn't gonna take a thing and she doesn't.  I have a feeling from what she tells me, that she is "one of those DILs.,,but again she had a real pain for a MIL also.  She still has a couple of good friends from high school that she can call in an emergency and they come running, and they are both men and get along great with her husband also.

I think it is more personality than position or relationship.  Sometimes, there is smoke on both sides.

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I only hope my DIL gets a DIL just like her :)

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Like Sue said, there are difficult people in every generation. Maybe Jody did just really have bad luck, and maybe it's possible her perception of what a good MIL is clashes with what her DIL's perception of a good MIL is. 

I think part of the problem is the change in the power balance. The DIL generally has a say in something a MIL wants access to - her family. I don't agree with holding that over someone's head, but it's the reality of the situation. So when DIL becomes MIL, that power balance shifts away from her. 

I think what makes a good MIL is very much up to perception. I know what I perceive as being a good MIL, in my own life. And some day, maybe I'll have DILs that sync up with my perception and maybe I won't. 

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It's possible that Jody just had bad luck of the draw with her MIL and DIL.  It's also possible that Jody is the problem.  It's really hard to say without knowing specifics about the history of Jody's relationship with her MIL and DIL.  Sally could be a real PITA and overly critical but it could also be that Jody is making incorrect assumptions about Sally and her boundaries.  It's just hard to say without more information.  

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I agree its hard to judge this situation based on that little bit of information.  I don't know.  I'll admit, though, that I wonder a bit.  When she says she believes it about people getting CO for no reason, it raises a bit of a flag for me.  We have CO MIL and basically DHs whole family on that side. (Parents are divorced.)  I have also had to CO family members.  It was never for NO reason.  It was never for a small reason.  And it was never easy.  Everyone I know who has had to CO a family member has said similar things.  It is one of the hardest most heartbreaking choices to have to make.  I'm not saying that there aren't people who make these decisions lightly and CO for little to no reason, but I really think that is a very small majority.  It is hard to be around critical people, I get that.  But I also wonder about the rest of the story.  Is she being critical just because?  Or does it involve things like Sally's house, or Sally's kids?  But then another part of me wonders if Jody has a harder time with Sally being critical because it makes her think back to those hard times with her own MIL.  My mother was very critical and I know I hard time dealing with criticism for a long time after leaving the house.

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Also if Jody tends to be shy, timid and introverted .. Some people might see those traits as an opportunity to take advantage of that person, because they think that person is weak-

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7 hours ago, Komorebi said:

Also if Jody tends to be shy, timid and introverted .. Some people might see those traits as an opportunity to take advantage of that person, because they think that person is weak-

I would agree with this.  The other piece is that sometimes being introverted can be looked upon as "Standoffish".  

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