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BClark

Birthday Card --- again / opinions ?

17 posts in this topic

Well another yr has gone by and its my DIL's Bday coming up later this week.  She has been a real problem for years as i've sd on here   -  bi polar / anger issues  - and ripped up our card / check we sent her last July . . . but for Christmas , she loved the gift card we got her and even sent a very nice 'thank you' msg to me.  !!     Now , she's mad  again ,,,over a private conversation we had w/our  DS  at our SGS's grad party on June 10th,,,,,when he was telling us again, how 'bad' things are off and on with her ...and we mentioned  his wife's sister again since he wanted to know why his DS didn't show up .....she has expl all this to her bro before , so not sure why he brought it up ..  His SIL has treated us and DD badly at various events so our DD does not attend any events any  longer, tired of the drama,,,,  this SIL  is  just  ONE of the problems,,,,so this causes friction  since DD dsn't attend   , which is why his wife is mad now.   Since we know there has been a few arguments betw DS & wife  since this party  ( son confides in us but we keep mum )  husb feels DS threw it up to her about her sister not sure . 

.  So ,,, wife sent  a pm to our DD  about  things  ... DD did  not  engage, as she put it, bc she sd she was 'just trying to start an argument'   which is exactly the case . DD didn't reply . . of course a wk later I got some mean pm's from his wife mainly about our DD... and as a mother its MY fault  that i didn't teach our DD to be respectful of others and show up at functions ........... stupidly i wrote back politely and remarked how they  told us before that they knew there was friction betw her sister and our DD  -- ( the sister seems to HATE us and our DD for some reason, it comes thru in her remarks we hear under here breath to others  )     but she says they nvr sd anything like that  ,,and i'm a liar , .  She dsn't rem things she says  ,then calls me a liar,  does this alot.  

  After threatening me ' if u talk about my sister or any of my family again,   i will personally make sure you are gone forever'  was her last sentence ....... at this point we think she is going thru w/her threat as we havn't been able to make plans to see our GKids.  son keeps saying his sched is too bz.  He  IS  bz, not sure if he is ignoring us to keep the peace or not . He has to live with her and know at times its Hell. 

 Anyway .  . i can't be vindictive so i am going thru w/sending her Bday card & check again, as i always do each year.   DH thinks we shldn't bother, knowing  she will prob rip everything up again.    I keep taking the high rd even tho it dsn't get anywhere . LOL .. I decided  if she does rip things up,   i am only going to be buying gifts for the kids frm now on . . i won't be sending  monetary gifts to her .   I feel bad b/c  we want to do it for our son,  but if we ignore her,  there will be more nasty pm's and i've had enough ---i assume you all feel taking the high road -  again this year  -  is the best option also. 

Our DD wants me to cut and paste the latest   msgs and threat  from the  wife and Pm our DS , but i told   her no  i'm not going to start anything else .  i'm leaving things alone , he knows how his wife is.   Remember , we are still dealing with the unkind lying remarks about us, and our DD she put on Fbook  - public  - over a yr ago, calling us horrible GP's among other things .  ..husb told our DS to get her to retract it on FB and apologize,  DS sd she prob  nvr will .  -  (the main reason our DD has  dis associated herself w/events, cards, etc altho she does still chat w/her bro occasionally and they still have a good relationship . )  -----all that was fine but yet wifey is now upset  we ment something about her sister .   ---- guess i just needed  to update whats going on now . vent,   . and be told i'm not crazy for sending a BD card/gift to her  ...yes, its drama with  her that nvr nvr ends .  

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Posted (edited)

 

I don't think your crazy sending DIL a BD card.  So what if she rips it up. Since you don't know from one  day to the next what your DIL wants,  I'd quit trying to please her and do what YOU want.  Just do what you think is right.  Your in a lose lose situation with her- send a card she rips it up, don't send a card she holds it against you,  So  do what you want and what you think your son would want you to do. 

Her whole family sounds difficult.   I get your DIL is bipolar.   But what's with her sister?    DIL  does have one point- t wouldn't talk about her family.  Not because you did wrong, but because it's pointless.  DIL wants what she wants and there is no "acceptable" reason in her mind not to get it.  It  sounds to me like saying simply there is friction between DIL's sister and your DD is just a fact and not a "talking about". situation, but you can't argue with crazy.  

Edited by skipped
typos
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I agree with sending the card with the full knowledge that your bi-polar DIL will most likely tear it up. So be it, sometimes you have to do the right thing for you and your DS. I do think I wouldn't say anything to your son about his sister's reasons for missing events with DIL's family should he be so forgetful again. Really he should have known better than to say anything and at this point so do you. A social white lie of " sister had other plans", bean dip anyone?" at a party is enough. It must be miserable to deal with your DIL, it doesn't sound like she is getting treatment for her illness. All you can do is remind yourself that she is sick and be as patience as you can. I'd also limit contact to what you can tolerate. I would worry about the grandchildren growing up in this kind of environment too, but there isn't anything you can do about it. As you already know, don't engage with her, don't try to reason with her, ignore all you can, and keep hoping that your DS can get his wife into treatment. I am so sorry you have to deal with this, I know how much this kind of thing hurts. Just know you are not alone.

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Thank you skipped & missmm  for your thoughts .  Yes, again i'll do the right thing and whatever she does with the card/ gift  so be it.  it is VERY difficult dealing with her and parts of her family , they have aggressive type personalities but shes the worst.  .   DS knows the problems with his wife's sister, he even sd ' K dsn't like too many ppl , she talks about everyone"  but realized i shld have not mentioned  the sister .  He knows  the reasons why his sister wasn't at party, or dsnt come to visit , they've discussed it and he has even told  his sis, , and his Dad and i ,, he understands perfectly ,,,not thrilled , but understands ....  he  prob tries to smooths things over w/the wife every time theres something she dsn't show up at . .    BTW , wife  has been in treatment for over a year now  , sees  a psychologist and psychiatrist  regularily ..also on 3 diff meds.  nothing seems to work .   we all just keep chugging along . ha.  We distance ourselves from her but went to the Grad party for our step gs.  We weren't even welcomed by  her, , she ignored us most of the time and didnt greet us at all , but got up and fawned all over everyone else that stopped by  , it was pretty embarrassing for us. . .  no matter what we do,  its never right .  Our son, his mother in law , and our Gkids welcomed us and we got hugs frm them so thats all that matters .    thanks again for your input  . 

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5 hours ago, BClark said:

Well another yr has gone by and its my DIL's Bday coming up later this week.  She has been a real problem for years as i've sd on here   -  bi polar / anger issues  - and ripped up our card / check we sent her last July . . . but for Christmas , she loved the gift card we got her and even sent a very nice 'thank you' msg to me.  !!     Now , she's mad  again ,,,over a private conversation we had w/our  DS  at our SGS's grad party on June 10th,,,,,when he was telling us again, how 'bad' things are off and on with her ...and we mentioned  his wife's sister again since he wanted to know why his DS didn't show up .....she has expl all this to her bro before , so not sure why he brought it up ..  His SIL has treated us and DD badly at various events so our DD does not attend any events any  longer, tired of the drama,,,,  this SIL  is  just  ONE of the problems,,,,so this causes friction  since DD dsn't attend   , which is why his wife is mad now.   Since we know there has been a few arguments betw DS & wife  since this party  ( son confides in us but we keep mum )  husb feels DS threw it up to her about her sister not sure . 

.  So ,,, wife sent  a pm to our DD  about  things  ... DD did  not  engage, as she put it, bc she sd she was 'just trying to start an argument'   which is exactly the case . DD didn't reply . . of course a wk later I got some mean pm's from his wife mainly about our DD... and as a mother its MY fault  that i didn't teach our DD to be respectful of others and show up at functions ........... stupidly i wrote back politely and remarked how they  told us before that they knew there was friction betw her sister and our DD  -- ( the sister seems to HATE us and our DD for some reason, it comes thru in her remarks we hear under here breath to others  )     but she says they nvr sd anything like that  ,,and i'm a liar , .  She dsn't rem things she says  ,then calls me a liar,  does this alot.  

  After threatening me ' if u talk about my sister or any of my family again,   i will personally make sure you are gone forever'  was her last sentence ....... at this point we think she is going thru w/her threat as we havn't been able to make plans to see our GKids.  son keeps saying his sched is too bz.  He  IS  bz, not sure if he is ignoring us to keep the peace or not . He has to live with her and know at times its Hell. 

 Anyway .  . i can't be vindictive so i am going thru w/sending her Bday card & check again, as i always do each year.   DH thinks we shldn't bother, knowing  she will prob rip everything up again.    I keep taking the high rd even tho it dsn't get anywhere . LOL .. I decided  if she does rip things up,   i am only going to be buying gifts for the kids frm now on . . i won't be sending  monetary gifts to her .   I feel bad b/c  we want to do it for our son,  but if we ignore her,  there will be more nasty pm's and i've had enough ---i assume you all feel taking the high road -  again this year  -  is the best option also. 

Our DD wants me to cut and paste the latest   msgs and threat  from the  wife and Pm our DS , but i told   her no  i'm not going to start anything else .  i'm leaving things alone , he knows how his wife is.   Remember , we are still dealing with the unkind lying remarks about us, and our DD she put on Fbook  - public  - over a yr ago, calling us horrible GP's among other things .  ..husb told our DS to get her to retract it on FB and apologize,  DS sd she prob  nvr will .  -  (the main reason our DD has  dis associated herself w/events, cards, etc altho she does still chat w/her bro occasionally and they still have a good relationship . )  -----all that was fine but yet wifey is now upset  we ment something about her sister .   ---- guess i just needed  to update whats going on now . vent,   . and be told i'm not crazy for sending a BD card/gift to her  ...yes, its drama with  her that nvr nvr ends .  

She doesnt want a check, evidently .. but it seems she appreciated the gift card, which to me indicates that perhaps she likes to be known for her inteterests and not just her bipolar struggles .. just a thought .. 

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Actually she loves money .. but at Christmas she wasn't mad at us at the time for anything , which is why she liked the gift card ,   When shes ticked off and mad about something , thats when she goes on a rampage and rips up things.   

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Sending a card and check is kind, stay on the compassionate high road. The difficulties your dil faces with a seriously debilitating mental illness are truly awful.  Also, stop talking about her and her family.   

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PattyGram ..thank you for your comment ,  1st time i've sd anything  about DS's   SIL ,,,, and wish i hadn't ,,, even tho  he knows  how she is  ..,,,and  we've had to endure stuff they've sd about us and  our  family  on facebook .., ; , been hurt a ton of times by them .....his SIL has already sd ;some nasty stuff about our DD .over the yrs ......not to mention when they compl to me about someone our DD was seeing  long ago ,,aft  they met him once .. ( its not even  THEIR  family ,,,and what bus is it of theirs who our DD dates ?? ) .. Ha ...They're just hard to deal with  and really wish they'd quit talking about us ..  hindsite ,   . should have stopped for a few mins at the  party ,,,  chatted w/ DS not about his SIL ...ha... , talked to Gkids ,  and left .  that wldn't have gone over either . No matter what we do  , we're ****** if we do, and ****** if we don't .   but being a good person     sending out a bday greeting and her gift , and maybe this time she'll keep it .  soooo difficult dealing w/this so thats  why i come on this forum occasionally.   thanks  for everyone's comments. 

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Posted (edited)

On 7/25/2017 at 2:56 PM, BClark said:

Since we know there has been a few arguments betw DS & wife  since this party  ( son confides in us but we keep mum )

First off, I'd stop letting DS tell you about his marital woes, and instead tell him to work it out with his DW. No good can come from the triangulation you all have going on. Don't talk to DS about his DW's family members. Let DD work out her relationship with her DS and his DW (I'm assuming they are all adults, if not, please accept my apologies!). I know it's hard to not intercede between your kids, but they need to be recognized as adults who own their own relationships with their siblings. 

 

On 7/25/2017 at 2:56 PM, BClark said:

Our DD wants me to cut and paste the latest   msgs and threat  from the  wife and Pm our DS

DO NOT DO THIS! I know you said you didn't plan to - bad-mouthing a woman *to her husband* only will cause you to get CO.

 

On 7/25/2017 at 2:56 PM, BClark said:

son keeps saying his sched is too bz.  He  IS  bz, not sure if he is ignoring us to keep the peace or not . He has to live with her and know at times its Hell. 

Make no mistake; unless DS is an utterly spineless wimp, he is CHOOSING to do what he does. I know it's easier to think your DS is on your side and "just keeping the peace", but his wife does not have magical powers over him. I find men do what they want to do. He is behaving as he is because it is working for him. It may not be healthy or productive, but it's what is working for him and his wife. 

I know it's really hard to do all this. I come from a FOO that raised triangulation to an art form. It's really hard to stop, and it's also difficult to stop getting in the middle of your kids' communications. I think dealing with folks with a serious mental illness, like Bipolar disorder is hugely challenging. Sufferers often have medication problems, and to top it off, one med may work for awhile then stop working. I'm glad your DIL is under appropriate care. I sincerely hope things turn around for you. 

Edited by Aravis
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Triangulation is exactly the word here....1) DS should NOT be discussing his marital issues or other complaints about his wife with you. 2) DD needs to not buy into the drama with her SIL's FOO. 3) You should stay out of all of it. These are adults, acting like spoiled children for sure, but adults none-the-less.

Send the card and get on with you day.

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DS called tonite,  talked quite a while .  we listen.  don't tell him or DD what to do.  ,,,,DS refused to 'unfriend'  us, his parents, his sister, and all his  cousins /aunts uncles on FBoook which his wife recently demanded,    this is how she is . mean . he was upset that she even mentioned that ..really dsn't suprise us tho.  .  .  Getting tog w/ him , and GKs in fw wks w/o her .  so its good .!  . They decided to see their own families separately from now on which will work out much  better for all.     

. and he sd she prob will tear up anything we send but he'll let us know so we can put the money back into our acct.  like last yr when she was mad .  so i already know what 's going in the trash now.... lol ...  but i know i did the right thing  .     Thanks for some of the kind comments.   .

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7 hours ago, BClark said:

DS called tonite,  talked quite a while .  we listen.  don't tell him or DD what to do.  ,,,,DS refused to 'unfriend'  us, his parents, his sister, and all his  cousins /aunts uncles on FBoook which his wife recently demanded,    this is how she is . mean . he was upset that she even mentioned that ..really dsn't suprise us tho.  .  .  Getting tog w/ him , and GKs in fw wks w/o her .  so its good .!  . They decided to see their own families separately from now on which will work out much  better for all.     

. and he sd she prob will tear up anything we send but he'll let us know so we can put the money back into our acct.  like last yr when she was mad .  so i already know what 's going in the trash now.... lol ...  but i know i did the right thing  .     Thanks for some of the kind comments.   .

Your card and check is perfect. Not talking about your dil is perfect. Visiting without dil is perfect. Myself, I'd try to take nothing personally, she's terribly ill. :(

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Posted (edited)

@BClark- Sorry you and yours are dealing w/ these issues! But, IMO, you have received some good advice here. Also think the card- &-check gift and the separate visits are good ideas. Best to you all, moving forward!

ETA: In the future, if DS asks questions he knows the answer to, I suggest just reminding him that he knows or telling him to ask the person involved (whether DD or someone else). Hopefully, that will shut down the conversation and keep you and DH out of "trouble."  Maybe not, just a thought...

Edited by RoseRed135
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Posted (edited)

;)  

Edited by BClark
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I had a reply in the body of the above smiley face,  i deleted everything as i wasn't sure about spilling more things.  ha   --.  just want to update everyone  especially you, RoseRed ,  b/c you hv  been so kind to me over the years in your responses.  It use to be the posters would be polite and not snarky in getting their advice/suggestions across.  .  I try not to be that way to ppl ...but thats me .  --   I'm not a bad MIL ..and haven't interferrred , but   i have tons of MEAN horrible msgs and emails from the DIL over the yrs  ( the last one came yest as she so defiantly told me she ripped up my card and chk into little pieces among other things,  it was very long,  i will NOT respond  !!!!! ) ...so this is what i've had to deal with , also accusations of things i've never done in 12 yrs they've been married. Like our DS says, she lives in her own little world where everyone is out to get her and shes the 'nice' one.      So to let you know,  . . son is seeing a lawyer today ...he wrote us and his sister yesterday.   He's checking out his options and says he's just too tired of if all.   Another poster  sd we shldn't allow him to compl to us about his wife, well, we support our family, no matter what , w/out  telling them what to do.  He contacted a lawyer in Jan . . today is the day he's going full fledge into the office for a consultation on divorce. We have nothing to do with this,  i did not send him there . .  and he will be visiting us in the future with his children ,  w/out his wife.   He's been miserable and has had enough  , like his sister told him,  life is too short to keep putting up with so much unhappiness.   She was finally diagnosed with being Bipolar ( is now in the medical records )   , on top of having PTSD and anxiety attacks ...meds aren't helping ,,,so he's hoping to get full custody.   So much for my bday card and check to her,  which started another rd of fights .  its so sad but now maybe things will be looking up for my family .  We know the kids have been verbally abused also and my GD whos 11, hs told him if they ever  split up, she wants to live with Dad . . . . hope this happens.    Thanks again to everyone for reading my posts and offering advice.   .    

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Wow! A lot to take in all at once, but thanks for the update! I'm glad you feel I've been kind to you and trust most other posters have been, too. Gotta go now, but will be back in later! For now, just want to say, I hope that DS makes the decision that is best for himself and the kids (no doubt, this can be harder than it seems at face value). And if that's divorce, I hope it goes as smoothly as possible.

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Back again. Sorry that DS' marriage seems to be coming to an end, but perhaps it will be the best solution for all.

She was finally diagnosed with being Bipolar ( is now in the medical records )   , on top of having PTSD and anxiety attacks ...meds aren't helping

This ^^^^ is all so sad (though I'm glad DIL was officially diagnosed). I must admit, I feel for her - can't imagine what it must be like to live inside her head. But I get that this is very hard on the rest of the family, also.And I feel deeply for your GC, especially considering the verbal abuse. Poor kids!  I hope DS does, in fact, get custody, and that their mom gets more effective help.

  ...and he will be visiting us in the future with his children ,  w/out his wife.

IMO, that's the best idea, even while he and DIL are still technically married.

i have tons of MEAN horrible msgs and emails from the DIL over the yrs  ( the last one came yest as she so defiantly told me she ripped up my card and chk into little pieces among other things,  it was very long,  i will NOT respond  !!!!! ) ..

Ugh! How awful! Very wise of you, IMO, not to respond. But hey, you took the high road - kudos! And you knew she might rip up the check, etc., so, at least, you were "prepared" in your heart and mind. I'm confidant you'll be able to put this behind you soon... Peace....

 

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