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RoseRed135

The multigenerational household -pluses and minuses

121 posts in this topic

On 9/14/2017 at 4:31 PM, GrampsX9 said:
1 hour ago, SueSTx said:

I get bored now and I am not in a basement.  Get out and volunteer, heck if you are physically healthy get a part time job.  Entertain yourself.

But after spending a day, or even several hours, in the silent and cold basement with a concrete floor, it seems like a kind of prison to me.

It isn't anyone's responsibility to keep an adult entertained. Get a job, find a hobby, make friends, exercise, make a life for yourself. You're able to take steps to make your home feel happy and bright, unlike a prison. Your environment is your responsibility, fix it.
 
We were invited to a fundraiser - dinner and dancing, outdoor venue, menu sketchy German - beer involved. Days are short, nights are cold. I had some knowledge of what would likely happen, but couldn't possibly know everything. But I did for myself - threw a warm jacket in the car for over my sweater, brought flats because heels could be tiring, got some cash at the ATM just in case, ate little after breakfast to have a bit of tummy room for dinner, slipped my license in my pocket because I'd probably need to drive home.
 
I'm an adult, I take care of my own needs and wants.
 
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@SueSTx If "fix" is defined as getting one's way, no- But when effort is made to address a pressing matter, regardless of the outcome, one can accept existing conditions and move forward confidently with the knowledge that efforts were made- 

Edited by Komorebi

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And sometimes, if you just hang loose for a bit things work themselves out and nobody has been confronted.  Make the best of what you have today because nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. 

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And since tomorrow isn't guaranteed, no need to delay-

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What I find a bit confusing is, Gramps *bought* the house. I presume he paid attention to the layout of the basement before doing so, since it was intended to be his living space.

So, if he's unhappy w/the basement, why in the world did he purchase the home?

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43 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

But will volunteering, or finding a job, or hobby or two address the matter being discussed in this thread? No, it won't-

Hmmm... It will address part of it, IMO - the loneliness and the feeling of being "a prisoner." Just as making the basement apt. more comfortable will likely ease some of that "prison' feeling and perhaps make it more pleasant for Gramps to spend time alone in his own space.

Also, getting out more might mean hearing those footsteps less often, etc.  And as much as Gramps loves his family, becoming engrossed in a hobby might mean paying a little less attention to those footsteps. "Every little bit helps," as they say.

Of course, the main issues are whether or not Gramps can have more time w/ DS and family - and whether or not he can drop in on them "any time." He might get the first wish (more time); I doubt he'll get the second (drop in any time), but I could be wrong. He has already put out "feelers" by letting them know they can visit him "any time." We'll see if they respond in kind or not....

ETA: I can see his saying straight out, "I'd like to see you a little more often.' Chances are, he'll be told that won't work and/or given reasons why it won't. But, at least, the air on that would be cleared. I can't see asking if he can come up "any time" (not that he's planning to) b/c they have already said, "Not until we invite you."

@SueSTx - Sorry to hear about what you're going through. Hope your body heals very soon.

Edited by RoseRed135

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On 9/14/2017 at 2:29 PM, GrampsX9 said:

Thank you, RoseRed and Sue.  Sue, that's an interesting idea, to go to the front door and knock.  I currently have many topics to discuss with them, and I think I'll try that idea this evening, after my DS gets home from work.  My DIL is very sensitive about her privacy, and I suspect that DS is...what's the term...running interference?...for her.

They are paying utilities and have taken over payments on DS's student loan, which I had been paying off.  They are also offering medical transportation if and when that becomes necessary, and they are feeding me about twice a week.  I go up, eat, then get the feeling that my welcome is over and go back downstairs.  DS also offers to help with handyman stuff.  He installed a door lock for me.  As to whether the finances place too much burden on me, we'll see.  The mortgage payment is indeed hefty.

Yes, they respect my privacy almost too much.  I had expected occasional visits from GC, but that's not happening.  I think a reasonable compromise (which my DIL may veto, but I'll propose it) would be to have a visitor's chair in each living room.  A GF chair in their living room for me to come up and sit in at any time, and a chair for them in my living room.

Yes, I have a door to a sunken patio and a stairs to the outside world.

On 9/14/2017 at 8:19 PM, GrampsX9 said:

I am not proposing that I pop up to the third floor, where their bedrooms are.  I'm simply proposing that I go up the stairs and sit in a chair near the stairs.  I would not be offended if any of them comes down to my living room at any time.  I will tell them that.

7 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

Hmmm... It will address part of it, IMO - the loneliness and the feeling of being "a prisoner." Just as making the basement apt. more comfortable will likely ease some of that "prison' feeling and perhaps make it more pleasant for Gramps to spend time alone in his own space.

Also, getting out more might mean hearing those footsteps less often, etc.  And as much as Gramps loves his family, becoming engrossed in a hobby might mean paying a little less attention to those footsteps. "Every little bit helps," as they say.

Of course, the main issues are whether or not Gramps can have more time w/ DS and family - and whether or not he can drop in on them "any time." He might get the first wish (more time); I doubt he'll get the second (drop in any time), but I could be wrong. He has already put out "feelers" by letting them know they can visit him "any time." We'll see if they respond in kind or not....

ETA: I can see his saying straight out, "I'd like to see you a little more often.' Chances are, he'll be told that won't work and/or given reasons why it won't. But, at least, the air on that would be cleared. I can't see asking if he can come up "any time" (not that he's planning to) b/c they have already said, "Not until we invite you."

@SueSTx - Sorry to hear about what you're going through. Hope your body heals very soon.

Actually, Gramps mentioned proposing a 'visitors chair' in their living room that he could sit in whenever he wanted as a compromise. 

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30 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

What I find a bit confusing is, Gramps *bought* the house. I presume he paid attention to the layout of the basement before doing so, since it was intended to be his living space.

So, if he's unhappy w/the basement, why in the world did he purchase the home?

Precisely. We knew the exact layout of the rental we recently purchased. We got the floor-plan, used the room measurements, and made plans for a roughed-in basement space. We knew, because we did sign papers - the cost, the square footage, the village ordinances, the taxes. We looked at the utility website and found out the cost of some utilities, I called for the rest of the utilities and got the cost of insurance. There was no mystery as to the costs - if it was "hefty" vs an affordable cash cow. There was also no mystery as to whether the basement is dark and cold vs a penthouse on the Mediterranean.

Adults make decisions, based on which facts they wish to use - shame on me if I overlooked a deal-breaker. Caveat emptor.

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1 hour ago, Komorebi said:

But will volunteering, or finding a job, or hobby or two address the matter being discussed in this thread?

Of course it could. By changing your own routine you could change your attitude about your living situation. Consult an interior designer about your lighting situation and other design/decorating issues to make your place as user friendly and comfortable as possible for you.  Just to clarify, I'm a widow, still in the process of turning the house from "we" (of more than 30 years) to "me" of 2 years...There is no longer anything I need to compromise over other than my own common sense...There is a 5' wooden sculpture of a bison on my living room wall now...he never wanted a headboard...there is a brass headboard in my bedroom...I sent his chair to our grandson along with his oak icebox he used as a desk (it was in the dining room, now in DsD's kitchen, she uses it as a desk). 

I hired a yard guy...I hate yard maintenance. 

Funny story about DH's chair...it came from his grandfather. I had it recovered in a fabric I could live with (the chair was too big for the space). After he passed, NO ONE would sit in the chair. I was always shooing people out of my chair (my PGM's mission style rocker, best seat in the house), but they never wanted to sit in his chair...it's happy in the family room of DsD's house...GS does his homework there, watches TV...he feels safe and cared for...as it should be.

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13 hours ago, Komorebi said:

"Winchester Cathedral you're bringing me down .. "  :)

:) I had to look that one up.

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1 hour ago, ImpishMom said:

What I find a bit confusing is, Gramps *bought* the house. I presume he paid attention to the layout of the basement before doing so, since it was intended to be his living space.

So, if he's unhappy w/the basement, why in the world did he purchase the home?

I expected the basement to be more for sleeping, storage, and office work, and less for confined living.  I thought I was buying a house, not a basement.

I also expected to get more visitors than my son (3 times, so far).  It is WEIRD than the DIL and GCs never come down here.

Edited by GrampsX9

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2 hours ago, JanelleK said:

It isn't anyone's responsibility to keep an adult entertained. Get a job, find a hobby, make friends, exercise, make a life for yourself. You're able to take steps to make your home feel happy and bright, unlike a prison. Your environment is your responsibility, fix it.

Easy to say.

Ahh, self empowerment!

 

self-empowerment.jpeg

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1 hour ago, GrampsX9 said:

I expected the basement to be more for sleeping, storage, and office work, and less for confined living.  I thought I was buying a house, not a basement.

I also expected to get more visitors than my son (3 times, so far).  It is WEIRD than the DIL and GCs never come down here.

Ok, so it seems you assumed/expected that you would have free run of the entire property, and they thought you had your own living space, and they, theirs.

If your ds is coming down, why would your DIL? She has you up for supper, yes?

53 minutes ago, GrampsX9 said:

Easy to say.

Ahh, self empowerment!

Is there something that stops you from being able to access outside activities? Or is it more that you don't believe you should have to?

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On 9/16/2017 at 3:46 PM, ImpishMom said:

Ok, so it seems you assumed/expected that you would have free run of the entire property, and they thought you had your own living space, and they, theirs.

If your ds is coming down, why would your DIL? She has you up for supper, yes?

 Before this, I lived near my DD, and I was welcome to pop into the LR at any time.  I assumed that I could do the same in my own house, and that assumption was reinforced by apparent affection.

Edited by RoseRed135
according to guidelines

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1 hour ago, ImpishMom said:

Is there something that stops you from being able to access outside activities? Or is it more that you don't believe you should have to?

Maybe we need to define "outside activities".  Every day I walk to a nearby coffee shop for lunch.  Does that count?

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This member isn't being asked to be entertained- :)  And the whole collection of "Get over it and on with it" tone is neither friendly, welcoming or supportive- 

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On 9/16/2017 at 4:59 PM, GrampsX9 said:

  Before this, I lived near my DD, and I was welcome to pop into the LR at any time.  I assumed that I could do the same in my own house, and that assumption was reinforced by apparent affection.

How lovely that DD had an "open door" policy that you enjoyed. I get that you thought DS would do the same. Unfortunately, one AC doesn't necessarily do things the way the other does.

I think your above post, once again, reflects the difference between how you see the situation and how DS/DIL see it. You appear to be thinking of the whole house as your home (ok, except for their bedrooms). But they seem to be looking at it as 2 separate homes w/in 1 house. Do you see the difference?

On 9/16/2017 at 5:04 PM, GrampsX9 said:

Maybe we need to define "outside activities".  Every day I walk to a nearby coffee shop for lunch.  Does that count?

I know this ^^^^ was addressed to IMP, but, IMO, yes, the lunch out counts. I think you need to find some other outside activities, too, however, and/or interests that would keep you busy at home. Also, maybe, in time, you'll meet some new people at the coffee shop and make some new friends? Making further adjustments like these to your situation will, no doubt, take time. But I'm confident you can do it. :)

ETA: It's good, IMO, that DS has come down to see you a few times. I know you would like more visits, and would probably love to have your GC come down there. But you've extended an open invitation to them, so perhaps that will change.

Edited by RoseRed135
to reflect editing of quote
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5 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

 

Actually, Gramps mentioned proposing a 'visitors chair' in their living room that he could sit in whenever he wanted as a compromise. 

I know. And the "compromise" would be - I think - please correct me if I'm wrong, Gramps - that he would be "just" at the top of the stairs, outside the door, I suppose, that connects their 2 homes. IDK about their house, but we have a finished basement (not an apt.), and the door to the rest of the house leads to a hallway. If that's the case here, then Gramps "visitors chair" wouldn't be in any of their rooms, not even their livingroom - yet he would, he feels, I guess, get to visit w/ his GC there. To him, I imagine, it's a win-win (again, correct me if I'm wrong, Gramps).

But I don't think DS/DIL would go for it, Gramps, regardless of where the chair is. IMO, they'd still prefer that you wait for an invite. Maybe I'm wrong, but I hope you think twice before you suggest it.

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35 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

I think your above post, once again, reflects the difference between how you see the situation and how DS/DIL see it. You appear to be thinking of the whole house as your home (ok, except for their bedrooms). But they seem to be looking at it as 2 separate homes w/in 1 house. Do you see the difference?

I know, per arguments with DS, that they see it as a landlord-tenant relationship.  I think (thought) it's more than that.  Maybe I'm clinging too much.  After all, I get the occasional dinner with them.

Edited by GrampsX9

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I agree that keeping busy and shifts in attitude and perception can be healthy choices, but those things will not change the fact that this house being discussed is owned by him and he is sequestered to the basement in a house that he himself owns- It's totally up to him to accept this situation "as is" or take action to change the arrangement- He has options-  

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39 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

Also, maybe, in time, you'll meet some new people at the coffee shop and make some new friends?

I could use some coaching.  (I'm autistic.)  Do I just walk up to someone and say, "Let's be friends, OK?"  (Only partly joking.)

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3 minutes ago, GrampsX9 said:

I know, per arguments with DS, that they see it as a landlord-tenant relationship.  I think (thought) it's more than that.  Maybe I'm clinging too much.  After all, I get the occasional dinner with them.

Well, then there you have it- :) You can accept it or not- Thus far you've not expressed any lack of appreciation, just clear cut disappointment which is normal considering your situation- 

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16 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

and the door to the rest of the house leads to a hallway. If that's the case here, then Gramps "visitors chair" wouldn't be in any of their rooms, not even their livingroom

Actually, I was thinking of just beyond the little hallway, in a nearby corner of their living room.  Darn, I guess that penetrates too far.

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Gramps, there is a website called Meetup-

"Meetup brings people together in thousands of cities to do more of what they want to do in life. It is organized around one simple idea: when we get together and do the things that matter to us, we’re at our best. And that’s what Meetup does. It brings people together to do, explore, teach and learn the things that help them come alive."

That's what it's about- And there are MANY Meetups created that are specifically for those with autism- Give it a try?

:)

 

 

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1 hour ago, Komorebi said:

Well, then there you have it- :) You can accept it or not-

But if he can't/won't/doesn't accept it, then what?

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