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RoseRed135

Got an update?

49 posts in this topic

Recently, a couple of members have updated us on their IL situation. Now, I'm wondering if anyone else has an update they'd like to share w/ us? Has your relationship w/ your difficult family member/IL, if any, gotten (hopefully) better? Or (sad to say) has a good family/IL relationship gone sour? Or??

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I've been watching from afar (mostly through gossip DH gets from MIL) my niece's struggle with DH's enmeshed FOO, now that niece has a baby.

MIL and SILs are smack-talking her and her DH's parenting, SIL1 is presumably bent out of shape Niece's DH's FOO is watching LO while Niece and DH work, there's competition for holidays. 

It validates the concerns I had about working hard to get pregnant, only to have DH's FOO's entitlement and expectation explode. Truly, if we had children, we'd probably be divorced by now. Our marriage wouldn't have been able to stand it if he didn't CO all of them.

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Hearing less and less from them did get a text for our anniversary wish us a happy one that was a month ago. 

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DH had an allergic reaction a while back. It was pretty bad. FIL came over, did not talk to us at all, but stalked the medics and waited to see if transport was happening or not. He stayed outside, walking around, waiting patiently. NOT ONE peep from MIL.

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I would say things are better. 

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Posted (edited)

Hmm, I lost my mind at my DH yesterday.  Apparently my MIL now feels bad about ignoring my mom dying last year and would like things to go to pretending like she didn't do that because it's upsetting her that I don't really talk to her. So my DH asked me to just go back to making small talk with her. Um, NO. 

I'm holding not my breath for a genuine apology, and I'm very done so I don't even care if I get one. It won't change anything. 

Edited by NewMama
Typos
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4 minutes ago, NewMama said:

Hmm, I lost my mind at my DH yesterday.  Apparently my MIL now feels bad about ignoring my mom dying last year and would like things to go to pretending like she didn't do that because it's upsetting her that I don't really talk to her. So my DH asked me to just go back to making small talk with her. Um, NO. 

I'm holding my breath for a genuine apology, and I'm very done so I don't even care if I get one. It won't change anything. 

You know you'll never be able to trust her with your feelings. I hope you told DH that MIL owes you a sincere apology for ignoring this traumatic event. After that (and only after that), treat her like a polite stranger you're passing the time with on a train....she'll see it as small talk and go away happy, you'll treat it as out of sight out of mind.

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1 hour ago, Mame925 said:

You know you'll never be able to trust her with your feelings. I hope you told DH that MIL owes you a sincere apology for ignoring this traumatic event. After that (and only after that), treat her like a polite stranger you're passing the time with on a train....she'll see it as small talk and go away happy, you'll treat it as out of sight out of mind.

I feel like if she would just leave me alone for a good long time I could get to a place of at least making civil small talk.  She'll never apologize in a genuine way. The first acknowledgement I got that she did this was an "apology" that consisted of a bunch of justification for it and could I pretty please just make her feel better about the jerk thing she did. I went months without seeing her and was content with that. DH saw his mom while I was working and I didn't have to deal with her. But I'm so tired of the in my face attempts at making things look like it's all fine and dandy between us.  It's not, at all, and trying to force it makes me angrier.  

 

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11 minutes ago, NewMama said:

I feel like if she would just leave me alone for a good long time

Ya, probably not gonna happen...if DH brings it up again, remind him there is no justification for her behavior and you won't rug sweep. The onus is on MIL to make it right. Bean dip?

 

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There is trouble in paradise, and I am trying to keep my nose out of it....

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56 minutes ago, RecLucy said:

There is trouble in paradise, and I am trying to keep my nose out of it....

Sorry to hear that. But yes, definitely, stay out of it.

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15 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

DH had an allergic reaction a while back. It was pretty bad. FIL came over, did not talk to us at all, but stalked the medics and waited to see if transport was happening or not. He stayed outside, walking around, waiting patiently. NOT ONE peep from MIL.

Sorry about the allergic reaction. Sounds like it was serious. Hope DH got better quickly.

How did FIL even know what was going on?

Sad about MIL, but it doesn't surprise me. I've heard before about people who CO or have been CO not even making an exception for illness. We've had posters here say they wouldn't. It would be very hard for me, I know, to ignore a sick parent or AC. But some people can and do. 

@All - Thanks for these varied and thought-provoking replies! Keep 'em coming!

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On 8/4/2017 at 3:20 PM, RoseRed135 said:

Sorry about the allergic reaction. Sounds like it was serious. Hope DH got better quickly.

How did FIL even know what was going on?

Sad about MIL, but it doesn't surprise me. I've heard before about people who CO or have been CO not even making an exception for illness. We've had posters here say they wouldn't. It would be very hard for me, I know, to ignore a sick parent or AC. But some people can and do. 

@All - Thanks for these varied and thought-provoking replies! Keep 'em coming!

@RoseRed135Thanks for your concern. DH is all better. FIL heard it on his scanner and probably watched for the ambulance to show up. We are giving him points for staying out of the way, not coming over until after the ambulance arrived,waiting im/patiently outside, and leaving when things settled. Not trying to bother us at all about it or intrude in any way. He also texted DH later saying he is glad he would be ok.

No, MIL behavior does not surprise me at all. I'm with NewMama here: I am so done with her and nothing she does would change anything now anyway...for any of us, DH included.

On 8/4/2017 at 11:47 AM, NewMama said:

I'm holding not my breath for a genuine apology, and I'm very done so I don't even care if I get one. It won't change anything

 

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@Cupcake55 - Thanks for answering my question! Sounds like FIL acted reasonably, under the circumstances. As for MIL, well, I hear you!

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Well, H-E-double hockey sticks- must have froze over! MIL actually sent DH a text saying happy birthday. It's the FIRST text she's sent initiating a conversation without it being hateful in over 7 years!

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1 hour ago, Cupcake55 said:

Well, H-E-double hockey sticks- must have froze over! MIL actually sent DH a text saying happy birthday. It's the FIRST text she's sent initiating a conversation without it being hateful in over 7 years!

Maybe it's melting .. maybe it's been frozen over but has begun to thaw -- just a little .. ?

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1 hour ago, Cupcake55 said:

Well, H-E-double hockey sticks- must have froze over! MIL actually sent DH a text saying happy birthday. It's the FIRST text she's sent initiating a conversation without it being hateful in over 7 years!

Wow!

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38 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

Maybe it's melting .. maybe it's been frozen over but has begun to thaw -- just a little .. ?

*snicker*

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8 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

*snicker*

Maybe something  needs to be fixed ..

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11 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

Well, H-E-double hockey sticks- must have froze over! MIL actually sent DH a text saying happy birthday. It's the FIRST text she's sent initiating a conversation without it being hateful in over 7 years!

After 7 years DH can surely find a trash can (or click delete).

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

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9 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

*snicker*

If *snicker* is code for *how disgusting* then snicker is about right.

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

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Posted (edited)

FIL is coming closer to the end. He still lives with SIL1 and BIL1 when he isn't in hospital, and SIL2 is still his primary caregiver. Things are holding steady with SIL1 and BIL1, except DH is finding them harder and harder to take. I think we need a good long TO when FIL is no longer with us, but for now DH needs to deal with them so he can be with FIL.  All of this would be exhausting WITHOUT the guilt trips, insults, put-downs and yelling from SIL1 and BIL1, so DH is basically white-knuckling it through, and it's taking a huge toll on him and hence on us. We're keeping a lot more secrets from the family these days because DH gets trashed if he takes a day off or does anything nice for himself, no matter how small, and I hate having to do that.

SIL1 uses SIL2's giving-to-a-fault nature and genuine exhaustion as a stick to beat DH and SIL3 when they don't do what she wants, but doesn't let that stop her from attacking SIL2 when SIL2 or her husband don't do what SIL1 wants (even if it is genuinely none of her business). Blah blah, second verse, same as the first.  I am just hoping DH doesn't feel guilty for feeling angry at SIL1/BIL1 and want to rug sweep after all this is over, because I'm not going to forget. 

Edited by Toaster

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On 8/18/2017 at 4:38 PM, Toaster said:

FIL is coming closer to the end. He still lives with SIL1 and BIL1 when he isn't in hospital, and SIL2 is still his primary caregiver. Things are holding steady with SIL1 and BIL1, except DH is finding them harder and harder to take. I think we need a good long TO when FIL is no longer with us, but for now DH needs to deal with them so he can be with FIL.  All of this would be exhausting WITHOUT the guilt trips, insults, put-downs and yelling from SIL1 and BIL1, so DH is basically white-knuckling it through, and it's taking a huge toll on him and hence on us. We're keeping a lot more secrets from the family these days because DH gets trashed if he takes a day off or does anything nice for himself, no matter how small, and I hate having to do that.

SIL1 uses SIL2's giving-to-a-fault nature and genuine exhaustion as a stick to beat DH and SIL3 when they don't do what she wants, but doesn't let that stop her from attacking SIL2 when SIL2 or her husband don't do what SIL1 wants (even if it is genuinely none of her business). Blah blah, second verse, same as the first.  I am just hoping DH doesn't feel guilty for feeling angry at SIL1/BIL1 and want to rug sweep after all this is over, because I'm not going to forget. 

My guess is it could go either way. DH and his siblings may pull closer together after FIL is gone and all want to rug sweep. But, clearly, there has been a lot of tension between them all for a while. As such, they may all want a breather from each other and just sort of naturally back away. That remains to be seen, I suppose.

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Its been awhile since I have posted anything. My update is that DS and DIL are divorcing...almost finalized. He is back home from overseas. 

When he was gone, I learned that she wasnt the problem and he wasnt the problem. It was when they were together that they became the problem. I miss the DIL that I got to know while he was gone, but now that he is home and she reverts to her "old self", I am glad that I dont have to deal with any of it anymore. 

However, I do miss the relationship that I had with DIL while he was gone. I mourn the glimpse of what could have been from the very beginning if their relationship were different. 

While I hate divorce and believe that it should be avoided if at all possible, the Mom in me is glad to see my son happy again. 

Now if they could just find a happy medium of coparenting GS with more postives than negatives.

 

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@Weesheart75 - Thanks for the update! Sorry that DS' marriage is ending in divorce, but glad that he seems to be happier as a result. Some marriages just are not to be.

It's interesting that "the problem" only rears its ugly head when DS and DIL are together. I guess that means it's not always this/that person - sometimes it's the relationship/how 2 people mesh or don't mesh. Thanks for sharing that perspective!

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