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RoseRed135

... And how do siblings-in-law figure in?

24 posts in this topic

I once read that if a married woman doesn't have a MIL problem, she has a SIL (sister-in-law) problem and vice versa. But it seems to me that some people have both (and others, neither, of course), as we have often seen here.. What I'm wondering now is this... If someone has issues w/ both a MIL/FIL and a SIL/BIL, are the problems w/ SIL/BIL an outgrowth of the ones w/ MIL/FIL? Or do the conflicts w/ SIL/BIL tend to cause issues w/ MIL/FIL? Or are the 2 sets of concerns totally separate? Or??

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OR...is the person having all these relationship problems the real problem?

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3 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

I once read that if a married woman doesn't have a MIL problem, she has a SIL (sister-in-law) problem and vice versa. But it seems to me that some people have both (and others, neither, of course), as we have often seen here.. What I'm wondering now is this... If someone has issues w/ both a MIL/FIL and a SIL/BIL, are the problems w/ SIL/BIL an outgrowth of the ones w/ MIL/FIL? Or do the conflicts w/ SIL/BIL tend to cause issues w/ MIL/FIL? Or are the 2 sets of concerns totally separate? Or??

Our folks wanted us to get along with BILs/SIL, play a good game. We do.

I had 4 BILs, one has now passed and one divorced by my sister, no big problems. BIL2 can be jerky and XBIL is really jerky, I can deal. My brother married a horrible lying witch, I was able to remain kind. He divorced her, happy day for us - even if the Pope does disapprove. New SisIL is great, gets on with all of us, including jerky BIL2.

My husband is fine with my sisters and adores my brother. No sibIL issues.

Beings my husband is an only child - I have no problemo with sibsIL.

My brother has/had 5 BILs. DB hides his feelings very well - he tells my husband what he really thinks about jerky BIL2. He also dislikes BIL1 (who the rest of us like) - a measuring contest, plain and simple - they are both super alpha males who are THE best at what they do. However, my brother always can and does play nice with everyone.

In my family we just smile in the moment and then whine later in private. I know there are people who have criminal or iccky BIL/SIL, difficult things to deal with. We don't have hard sibling issues, we're luckily able to play a good game of getting along.

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MIL wasn't around long enough for me to have more than passing issues with her. I think I probably would have at some point -- she was a deeply generous and loving person but VERY OPINIONATED and her sense of boundaries was not the same as mine. 

Quote


OR...is the person having all these relationship problems the real problem?

 

Often multiple people in a family will have the same patterns, though, especially parents and children. In my case, SIL1 is opinionated and boundary-stomping like MIL, only way more offensively because she and her husband have a sense of self-importance and entitlement MIL didn't have, and they feed off each other's dysfunction. 

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On ‎8‎/‎8‎/‎2017 at 4:56 AM, RoseRed135 said:

I once read that if a married woman doesn't have a MIL problem, she has a SIL (sister-in-law) problem and vice versa. But it seems to me that some people have both (and others, neither, of course), as we have often seen here.. What I'm wondering now is this... If someone has issues w/ both a MIL/FIL and a SIL/BIL, are the problems w/ SIL/BIL an outgrowth of the ones w/ MIL/FIL? Or do the conflicts w/ SIL/BIL tend to cause issues w/ MIL/FIL? Or are the 2 sets of concerns totally separate? Or??

I only have a BIL on my IL side.  And yes, my BIL and MIL had/have very similar issues with DH involving resentment towards DH over feeling abandoned by DH.  They also are similar in that they both lost it and raged at DH over their issues with him.  My MIL did this last year, and my BIL did this to DH four months ago.  DH and BIL are no longer on speaking terms, and if the relationship resumes it will be a much different one.  Words matter and you just can't take back some things that are said.  I am staying out of it as in the end these issues stem from nuclear family dysfunction, and I was a secondary player in all of this as a person that became acquainted with this family as an adult.  However, the words that MIL and BIL said to DH were beyond disgusting, and involved me, so I no longer want a relationship with either one of them.

I also believe that MIL and BIL are both personality disordered, which I think is common - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree sometimes.  In my BIL's case he has been diagnosed, but I believe my MIL went her whole life undiagnosed.   With personality disordered people a common recommendation is to really distance yourself from them if possible as they are no bueno for you.   

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For me, it was that SIL couldn't have a relationship with DH or I without involving MIL.  For example- MIL decided that I was banned from her home.  OK, fine.  I guess that means that she only sees us in public. SIL had to try to stick her nose in and say that it was "unreasonable" that I wouldn't drive 30-45 minutes, drop off my kids and husband at her house, then wait until she was "done" with them to come back and fetch them.  A few months later, MIL didn't believe us when we said that she needed to have more definitive plans than "Saturday", and let us know the night before so that I could plan ahead.  SIL butted in when we cancelled the visit- DH ended up going in for an overtime shift since we hadn't heard from MIL.  

In my experience, most of my SIL issues stemmed from her whiteknighting for MIL.  SIL was unable to resist the urge to put her 2 cents in.  

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Posted (edited)

 

1 hour ago, shoppingninja said:

For me, it was that SIL couldn't have a relationship with DH or I without involving MIL.  For example- MIL decided that I was banned from her home.  OK, fine.  I guess that means that she only sees us in public. SIL had to try to stick her nose in and say that it was "unreasonable" that I wouldn't drive 30-45 minutes, drop off my kids and husband at her house, then wait until she was "done" with them to come back and fetch them.  A few months later, MIL didn't believe us when we said that she needed to have more definitive plans than "Saturday", and let us know the night before so that I could plan ahead.  SIL butted in when we cancelled the visit- DH ended up going in for an overtime shift since we hadn't heard from MIL.  

In my experience, most of my SIL issues stemmed from her whiteknighting for MIL.  SIL was unable to resist the urge to put her 2 cents in.  

You say SIL couldn't have a relationship with DH or Iyou without involving MIL.  It has been said on this site, (and based on a recent event  I think my soon to be DIL #2 agrees) hat DILs don't want relationshps with their MILs outside of their husbands.  I get that.  And I'm fine with that.  Why should it be any different for SILs? . 

Regarding SIL white knighting for her parents.  Perhaps she honestly believes her mother is right.  Personally, I wouldn't put my 2 cents in, what's the point,  but I also tend to be rather passive. But I wouldn't go out of my way to engage.   If my mother has issues with someone, maybe it is the someone who has the issues and not my mother.

Edited by skipped

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53 minutes ago, skipped said:

 

You say SIL couldn't have a relationship with DH or Iyou without involving MIL.  It has been said on this site, (and based on a recent event  I think my soon to be DIL #2 agrees) hat DILs don't want relationshps with their MILs outside of their husbands.  I get that.  And I'm fine with that.  Why should it be any different for SILs? . 

Regarding SIL white knighting for her parents.  Perhaps she honestly believes her mother is right.  Personally, I wouldn't put my 2 cents in, what's the point,  but I also tend to be rather passive. But I wouldn't go out of my way to engage.   If my mother has issues with someone, maybe it is the someone who has the issues and not my mother.

I would have no problem with her not wanting a relationship with her brother without her parents. However, SOL and MIL both expect to have a relationship with my children without me being involved.  I don't appreciate hypocrisy.  

Also, with regards to me having the issue rather than MIL- there's really no excuse or reason to expect a DIL to drive for 30-45 minutes only to drop off her family on a holiday, then spend it alone. That's straight up nasty, horrid, indefensible behavior. 

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Posted (edited)

Some people who don't get along with their MILs-  it seems to me that most people on this site agree that the  husband can still  have a relationship with his mother outside of his wife.  It's the adidition of the children is where people disagree.

And yes if he is visiting his mother without you- you will be alone.

Why is it that you have to drive him?  That I get would be irritating.

Edited by skipped
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1 hour ago, skipped said:

For some people who don't get along with their MILs-  it seems to me that most people on this site agree that the  husband can still  have a relationship with his mother outside of his wife.  It's the adidition of the children is where people disagree.

And yes if he is visiting his mother without you- you will be alone.

Why is it that you have to drive him?  That I get would be irritating.

He is (newly diagnosed, but his eyesight has been worsening for years) legally blind.  He's free to have a relationship with his parents as long as the kids and I aren't involved.  However, I didn't get married so that I would be alone on holidays.  

 

To be clear, MIL and SIL wanted me to drop them off on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day.  I am specifically banned from the PILs home, because I barred my MIL from my home (we lived in that apartment for 2-3 years before she realized she was banned). Also, it should be noted that my parents live 2 hours away from the ILs, so no chance of me joining their celebrations.  Therefore, they expected me to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas Day alone, playing taxi, while they had my husband and kids.  

I dare say that nobody on this board would ever think that I am in the wrong for shutting that down hard.  

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55 minutes ago, shoppingninja said:

I dare say that nobody on this board would ever think that I am in the wrong for shutting that down hard.

No kidding! Worse though is the possibility that your DH would think of going along with it.

 

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3 hours ago, skipped said:

Some people who don't get along with their MILs-  it seems to me that most people on this site agree that the  husband can still  have a relationship with his mother outside of his wife.

I agree. ^   I'd add if MILs and DILs do get along, the son still has the primary relationship with his parents. My husband was the one with the relationship with his folks, not me. And I was the one with a relationship with my mom, dad, sisters, and brother - not my husband (until the last 10-15 years with my brother).

Our sons (and daughters) are the people who have relationships with us. We all get on quite well with ACIL and AC. So, yes, AC and parents will hopefully still have a good relationship.

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51 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

No kidding! Worse though is the possibility that your DH would think of going along with it.

 

No, he didn't, don't worry.  At that point, he would listen to their idea/plan/whatever, then poke holes.  Then, force them to rephrase in such a way that showed their true intent, otherwise he'd play dumb.  That's when he still had hope that they could be coaxed into treating us nicely.  

Actually, that's his standard.  He will listen to a plan, then start prodding for details.  Luckily for me,  he waits until commercial breaks when he does it to a TV show or movie.  You should have heard him and my daughter pick apart sharknado 5 last week, it was hilarious!

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On 8/8/2017 at 6:56 AM, RoseRed135 said:

I once read that if a married woman doesn't have a MIL problem, she has a SIL (sister-in-law) problem and vice versa. But it seems to me that some people have both (and others, neither, of course), as we have often seen here.. What I'm wondering now is this... If someone has issues w/ both a MIL/FIL and a SIL/BIL, are the problems w/ SIL/BIL an outgrowth of the ones w/ MIL/FIL? Or do the conflicts w/ SIL/BIL tend to cause issues w/ MIL/FIL? Or are the 2 sets of concerns totally separate? Or??

In my DH's enmeshed FOO, my SILs, early on, took up for MIL and also took AFTER MIL. SIL2 seems to have evolved quite a bit over the years, recognizing the crazy that OSIL and MIL carry, and has toned down her guilting, expectations, etc. But OSIL and MIL are two peas in a pod, and I see OSIL making the same mistakes with her own ODD, now that niece has a LO. And I sense that ODD is becoming aware of just how crazy both can be.

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On 8/15/2017 at 4:44 PM, shoppingninja said:

For me, it was that SIL couldn't have a relationship with DH or I without involving MIL.  For example- MIL decided that I was banned from her home.  OK, fine.  I guess that means that she only sees us in public. SIL had to try to stick her nose in and say that it was "unreasonable" that I wouldn't drive 30-45 minutes, drop off my kids and husband at her house, then wait until she was "done" with them to come back and fetch them.  A few months later, MIL didn't believe us when we said that she needed to have more definitive plans than "Saturday", and let us know the night before so that I could plan ahead.  SIL butted in when we cancelled the visit- DH ended up going in for an overtime shift since we hadn't heard from MIL.  

In my experience, most of my SIL issues stemmed from her whiteknighting for MIL.  SIL was unable to resist the urge to put her 2 cents in.  

I'm thinking it could also be that some people feel they "should" stick up for their mother (or father, sister, etc), especially if they believe she (or he, etc) is right, but even if not. Chances are, they don't realize they may be making things worse/creating a greater rift. Or they may not care, as long as they're doing what they think is "right."

Also, of course, some people are pressured/guilted into being flying monkeys, as we've discussed before on these boards.

Then again, some people, IMO, just can't mind their own business, unfortunately.

None of this ^^^^ changes anything, I realize... Just thinking out loud...

On 8/15/2017 at 6:06 PM, skipped said:

 

You say SIL couldn't have a relationship with DH or Iyou without involving MIL.  It has been said on this site, (and based on a recent event  I think my soon to be DIL #2 agrees) hat DILs don't want relationshps with their MILs outside of their husbands.  I get that.  And I'm fine with that.  Why should it be any different for SILs? . 

Regarding SIL white knighting for her parents.  Perhaps she honestly believes her mother is right.  Personally, I wouldn't put my 2 cents in, what's the point,  but I also tend to be rather passive. But I wouldn't go out of my way to engage.   If my mother has issues with someone, maybe it is the someone who has the issues and not my mother.

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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DIL's BIL (our older son) appears to get along with her now that he and his wife have separated. His wife could not stand her and avoided socializing with her. I am quite fond of his wife and I feel the same about DIL as she does. :)

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Hi All,

I am a completely new member to this website and i have to get something off my chest. This happened recently and i am not sure how to deal with situations like this any advice is appreciated. My MIL is more affectionate towards my BIL and SIL, all of our family have known this. Recently my husband just trying to make an attempt to get close to her was asking her why do you like SIL so much? For that she answered that she treats everyone equally(which is wrong!). My husband left it like many times he did previously with a hopeless attempt of getting close to her. My MIL on the other hand went back to my SIL and told her that my husband asked her why does she like her so much and specifically asked her not to mention their discussion with anyone. This news made SIL so angry (idk what she felt exactly) she decided to not to visit us or come to our house anymore. 

My BIL called my husband and said that you should watch what you talk to our mother as she clearly comes and talk with everyone about it. Thats how we found out about it and we confronted my MIL why did she do such a thing, instead of feeling bad or sorry about it, she is so mad that his first son(BIL) told us about her mistake. She is not sorry for one bit that she did all this and we are stuck to resolve this whole crap!

Please help me on how to deal this so that everyone is happy.

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Welcome aaik.

I don't know how long you have been married nor how long your husband has known that his mother seems to favor his brother and SIL, but I doubt that there is anything that you can do to "resolve this whole crap!"

Now that you know that your MIL will share things with others, your husband needs to think long and hard about whether or not he chooses to ask her anything else.

My husband knew from the age of five when his baby brother was born that he was being pushed out of the nest and things never got any better in the next nearly 60 years of his life.  He and his brother haven't hardly spoken in the nine years since her funeral.  There is nothing for them to talk about.

It seems to me that your MIL has shown your husband how she intends to treat him and he needs to listen and believe her.  Asking why she treats someone else better isn't a good way to get close to her.  He has to create a relationship independent of his siblings if that is his goal.

Good luck and maybe someone else has better advice.

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My mom always liked my older sister best- As did my grandpa- The fact that she was their favorite was obvious- My younger sister was second, then my brother- I came in last LMAO- After we got older, older sister remained the favorite but younger sister also became a favorite, so first place was split- My brother remained second and I remained last- And it has remained that way until this day! I could always so relate to Tommy Smothers when he used to say to his brother ****, "Mom liked you best!"- I fail to see how a mom could not love her children equally but evidently they can- I also tried to get closer to my mom, on many occasions- Sometimes she was actually receptive to my attempts- I've no question that she loves me, because I know she does -- just not as much as my siblings .. :)

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Your MIL has shown you who she is. Believe her.

This isn't on you guys to fix. What could you possibly do, apologize for noticing favouritism? Apologize for your MIL's gossiping?

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13 hours ago, Komorebi said:

My mom always liked my older sister best- As did my grandpa- The fact that she was their favorite was obvious- My younger sister was second, then my brother- I came in last LMAO- After we got older, older sister remained the favorite but younger sister also became a favorite, so first place was split- My brother remained second and I remained last- And it has remained that way until this day! I could always so relate to Tommy Smothers when he used to say to his brother ****, "Mom liked you best!"- I fail to see how a mom could not love her children equally but evidently they can- I also tried to get closer to my mom, on many occasions- Sometimes she was actually receptive to my attempts- I've no question that she loves me, because I know she does -- just not as much as my siblings .. :)

(((Hugs!)))

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My mother wanted sons, she got daughters...being the second disappointment totally put me at the bottom. To her credit, she took very good care of us, however, wasn't emotionally supportive. I don't think she knew how. 

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18 hours ago, aaik said:

Hi All,

I am a completely new member to this website and i have to get something off my chest. This happened recently and i am not sure how to deal with situations like this any advice is appreciated. My MIL is more affectionate towards my BIL and SIL, all of our family have known this. Recently my husband just trying to make an attempt to get close to her was asking her why do you like SIL so much? For that she answered that she treats everyone equally(which is wrong!). My husband left it like many times he did previously with a hopeless attempt of getting close to her. My MIL on the other hand went back to my SIL and told her that my husband asked her why does she like her so much and specifically asked her not to mention their discussion with anyone. This news made SIL so angry (idk what she felt exactly) she decided to not to visit us or come to our house anymore. 

My BIL called my husband and said that you should watch what you talk to our mother as she clearly comes and talk with everyone about it. Thats how we found out about it and we confronted my MIL why did she do such a thing, instead of feeling bad or sorry about it, she is so mad that his first son(BIL) told us about her mistake. She is not sorry for one bit that she did all this and we are stuck to resolve this whole crap!

Please help me on how to deal this so that everyone is happy.

So sorry you and  DH are facing this problem, aaik! Especially feel for DH, as his mom's favoritism must hurt him deeply.

Unfortunately, MIL may not "see" what she's doing or may be in denial. Not sure there's anything DH can do about that.

Recently my husband just trying to make an attempt to get close to her was asking her why do you like SIL so much? For that she answered that she treats everyone equally(which is wrong!).

Wild guess -  MIL has always appeared to prefer BIL. And DH's question was an extension/variation of years of complaining that MIL  favors his brother, only to have MIL deny it. If he really wants to get closer to MIL, he needs, IMO, to take a different road. As Sue suggests, he needs to "create a relationship independent of his siblings if that's his goal." Maybe they have a hobby/interest they can enjoy together? Or he can take her to lunch and talk about - well, anything but BIL & SIL.

But you can't make him change tactics, of course. You can suggest it if you agree, but, in the end, it's his call. He may have to come to it himself.

Please help me on how to deal this so that everyone is happy.

I definitely agree w/ Sue and Imp that there's nothing you can do to achieve this, nor is it your responsibility. My guess (and again, it's just a guess) is that this is a deep-seated issue, going back to DH's and BIL's childhood or adolescence. Your role, if any, IMO, is to be supportive of DH, giving him a listening ear and the proverbial shoulder when he's hurting. Beyond that, you don't need to get in the middle (too much chance of making things worse, anyhow),.

In fact, perhaps SIL has the right idea and you all need a break/TO (time out) from each other for a while till everyone calms down (IDK if that's what she's doing,of course, but it still seems like a good idea to me.) And/or you and DH may want to cut back on visits w/ MIL, BIL & SIL,,, Food for thought...

Glad you brought your concerns to us! Welcome!

@Mame925 - Once again, so sorry about your mom's attitude!

Edited by RoseRed135

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my issue with my SIL & BIL (dh's brother and wife) were strictly with the two of them.  I had not real issues with my MIL & FIL until MIL moved in with us.  Those problems were more caused by BIL's lack of help/response towards his own mother and MIL expecting DH & I to give BIL a break.  He was soooo busy!!  Yeah and DH and I work full time too and took care of her..but we weren't busy at all.

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