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RoseRed135

"The NEW" Do you find yourselves reverting back to past roles?

12 posts in this topic

Since there is, apparently, still some interest in the old thread, "Do you find yourselves reverting back to past roles?" I've decided to open a new one...

If your AC (adult child) has (ever) returned home to live - or if you've ever done so - do/did you find the roles shifting back to that of parent and minor child? If so, in what ways? And what do/did you do to "fix" that, if anything? (If you already posted about this in the old thread, please feel free to add more here if you'd like.)

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On 17/08/2017 at 11:18 AM, RoseRed135 said:

Since there is, apparently, still some interest in the old thread, "Do you find yourselves reverting back to past roles?" I've decided to open a new one...

If your AC (adult child) has (ever) returned home to live - or if you've ever done so - do/did you find the roles shifting back to that of parent and minor child? If so, in what ways? And what do/did you do to "fix" that, if anything? (If you already posted about this in the old thread, please feel free to add more here if you'd like.)

Oh yes! Absolutely yes.  Each and every one of our children, when the moved home again, reverted to being a child and shirking responsibilities.  When I found myself being mum again to adults I got quite annoyed and did what I used to do, tell them what to do. But it seemed they resented that as they are adults and wanted to be respected as adults after all.  

We resolved this with a family get together in which we had an open discussion about what each of us expected from the other and then we drew up rosters to share the responsibility and labour in the household and kept to it.  With the girls we had a fe tantrums once they started working “I can’t be expected to take my turn cooking/vacuuming after spending a whole day working.” but that stopped when we pointed out that they would have to do that 7 days a week if they lived on their own instead of once or twice a f/n while living with us. They then offered to do take-alway dinners and pay for a cleaner until they felt on top of work and we were okay with that as long as the take-always didn’t last indefinitely. 

Also our children had a “free pass”period during which we would help them, but after that they were expected to pitch in physically and financially. We would not charge market rates for rent but we were also not going to just let them sponge off us -except in very special circumstances, like in a time of crisis or if we had agreed to help them save for something specific   

I think you have to be very fair but also very firm about your boundaries and what needs to be done to make things work. You are only human and will get angry if you begin to feel used. I knew if I just kept doing everything I would get resentful and be frustrated and wish they would move out, so I decided that unless they did their bit and did it well things were not going to work out.  

One if my biggest issues was that while I was retraining I was home a lot and the children just naturally expected me to do things because I was home. I had to point out to them that as long as I was supporting myself, paying my own way and doing my fair share, my free time was mine to do with as I wish and was not theirs to decide what I should do with. 

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Oops! Even though the title says "NEW," at this point, it has become an "old' thread (over 3 months old). However, since this topic comes up every once in a while, instead of locking it, I'm going to pin it, and so, let it continue...

Edited by RoseRed135
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Anyhow, it looks like you and yours dealt w/ this issue very well, despite a snag or two.

Isn't it awful, though, when someone thinks your (general) free time is theirs? Glad you nipped that one in the bud!

BTW, what exactly is "retraining" where a psychologist is concerned?

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4 hours ago, Gigima said:

but that stopped when we pointed out that they would have to do that 7 days a week if they lived on their own instead of once or twice a f/n while living with us. They then offered to do take-alway dinners and pay for a cleaner until they felt on top of work and we were okay with that as long as the take-always didn’t last indefinitely. 

Can you explain this please? What is f/n and what is take-alway dinners? TIA.

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@GigimaSometimes it is hard not to revert back to old roles. Looks like you handled it well. Having a family meeting and laying out expectations for everyone worked for you. Bet the attitude changed quickly when you pointed out 7 days a week of cooking/chores vs a couple. HUGE difference. LOL. I'd like to think I'd handle it the same way. We've talked to ODD about when she moves out and her doing all her own chores, cooking, etc. On days I have to work, the second I walk in the door she tells me she is starving and because she is so hungry she is in a bad mood. I keep telling her she doesn't have to wait until I get home to eat. She can cook anything she chooses. She chooses to wait. I asked her what she'd do if she lived alone or not with me and she says, I know and now once in a while she'll cook something but not usually. We are getting there. She does all her own laundry and cleaning and helps out a lot around the house and she loves to bake. Not cook. LOL. She'd make cookies or brownies before cooking better food for her to eat. Again, a work in progress.

ETA: ODD has never lived away from home so not reverting back to old roles here. We still have a couple more years to go, maybe.

Edited by Cupcake55

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1 hour ago, Cupcake55 said:

Can you explain this please? What is f/n and what is take-alway dinners? TIA.

F/n is forth nightly so every second week, and take-away dinners is usually ordering something online like a pizza, or buying a meal at a local place and bringing it home. One DD works in a cafe and works with food all day so when she was living here she always brought us food from work so she didn’t have to cook. 

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1 hour ago, RoseRed135 said:

Anyhow, it looks like you and yours dealt w/ this issue very well, despite a snag or two.

Isn't it awful, though, when someone thinks your (general) free time is theirs? Glad you nipped that one in the bud!

BTW, what exactly is "retraining" where a psychologist is concerned?

RR I used to be an IT Project manager but decided to become a psychologist instead in my late 30s.  I took 6 years out of my life and became a full-time student again. 

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1 hour ago, Cupcake55 said:

@GigimaSometimes it is hard not to revert back to old roles. Looks like you handled it well. Having a family meeting and laying out expectations for everyone worked for you. Bet the attitude changed quickly when you pointed out 7 days a week of cooking/chores vs a couple. HUGE difference. LOL. I'd like to think I'd handle it the same way. We've talked to ODD about when she moves out and her doing all her own chores, cooking, etc. On days I have to work, the second I walk in the door she tells me she is starving and because she is so hungry she is in a bad mood. I keep telling her she doesn't have to wait until I get home to eat. She can cook anything she chooses. She chooses to wait. I asked her what she'd do if she lived alone or not with me and she says, I know and now once in a while she'll cook something but not usually. We are getting there. She does all her own laundry and cleaning and helps out a lot around the house and she loves to bake. Not cook. LOL. She'd make cookies or brownies before cooking better food for her to eat. Again, a work in progress.

ETA: ODD has never lived away from home so not reverting back to old roles here. We still have a couple more years to go, maybe.

You’re doing very well, we have now had lots of experience and that is why I think it went so well,but in the beginning they drove us up the wall. I also believe that we sometimes are too uptight about certain things we want done a certain way just because we do it like that. We definitely had to let go of little things like that as they’re unusually the things that drive you nuts e.g. DS never closes the toilet lid and I hate the toilets open. He never puts things back where they were when he uses them, but then DH and I do the same so we realised that his doing this is no worse than us doing it. DD used to never wash the bath when she used it, causing much turmoil in a house where 2 kids liked to shower and 3 love to bath. Or they would use up all the water. My ODS has autism and before we changed our system over to continuous flow he would use up all the hot water in a single shower because the water calms him down. He can’t help it, he works with people all day and it is very challenging for him, so what does it help to get upset about the water? So we put in a continuous flow and recycling system so the water goes into the garden. Problem solved. 

Our YDD was a bit like yours except she didn’t even like to bake. I love her to bits but ODD spoilt her baby sister by always doing things for her and as a result she didn’t want to do anything that was not “fun”. Getting her to do some cooking was a nightmare, but eventually we told her she would be doing us a great favour if she did it when it was her turn, and I would put out the food I wanted her to cook for her before work each morning, that way she knew what was expected and how to do it and eventually she grew more confident and made her own dishes, although she still isn’t a fan of cooking, but at least she can cook. Maybe your daughter is uncertain about what you’d like for dinner? Maybe if you told her it would be a wonderful help to you if she did it a few days a week and put out for her what you would like her to cook, maybe with a recipe alongside if she hasn’t done it before? 

Edited by Gigima

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55 minutes ago, Gigima said:

RR I used to be an IT Project manager but decided to become a psychologist instead in my late 30s.  I took 6 years out of my life and became a full-time student again. 

Wow! Thanks for explaining!

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1 hour ago, Gigima said:

You’re doing very well, we have now had lots of experience and that is why I think it went so well,but in the beginning they drove us up the wall. I also believe that we sometimes are too uptight about certain things we want done a certain way just because we do it like that. We definitely had to let go of little things like that as they’re unusually the things that drive you nuts e.g. DS never closes the toilet lid and I hate the toilets open. He never puts things back where they were when he uses them, but then DH and I do the same so we realised that his doing this is no worse than us doing it. DD used to never wash the bath when she used it, causing much turmoil in a house where 2 kids liked to shower and 3 love to bath. Or they would use up all the water. My ODS has autism and before we changed our system over to continuous flow he would use up all the hot water in a single shower because the water calms him down. He can’t help it, he works with people all day and it is very challenging for him, so what does it help to get upset about the water? So we put in a continuous flow and recycling system so the water goes into the garden. Problem solved. 

Our YDD was a bit like yours except she didn’t even like to bake. I love her to bits but ODD spoilt her baby sister by always doing things for her and as a result she didn’t want to do anything that was not “fun”. Getting her to do some cooking was a nightmare, but eventually we told her she would be doing us a great favour if she did it when it was her turn, and I would put out the food I wanted her to cook for her before work each morning, that way she knew what was expected and how to do it and eventually she grew more confident and made her own dishes, although she still isn’t a fan of cooking, but at least she can cook. Maybe your daughter is uncertain about what you’d like for dinner? Maybe if you told her it would be a wonderful help to you if she did it a few days a week and put out for her what you would like her to cook, maybe with a recipe alongside if she hasn’t done it before? 

Good ideas. I often have to keep my mouth shut when anyone else loads the dishwasher...different is not bad, just different. I do not like it to run when only half full but everyone else runs it after filling it, even half way. It's part of doing the dishes to them, I guess. I agree, some things just are not worth getting upset over. Sometimes it takes a couple of different tries to see what works but not everything is a battle or has to be a battle.

ODD knows how to cook things like hamburgers and a few dishes with hamburger meat in it like spaghetti. She can use the fryer for a couple of things. Her fall back food is eggs. She does scrambled or fried. Her eggs never break and I always have one or two that break. LOL. She can make grilled cheese sandwiches, burritos, mac and cheese, nachos. That is why it is more frustrating because she does know how just chooses not to. I don't mind helping cook or actually cooking. I would like help with coming up with WHAT to cook. What one person likes another doesn't, so it's a challenge to figure things out sometimes. Some days I don't even bother and it's everyone fends for themselves when we have 3-4 left over dishes that need to get used up. So it's not really a matter of not knowing how it's a matter of not wanting to but it is something we are working on. I will keep your ideas in mind and maybe integrate her cooking once a week to start. I have her help me for more complicated dishes so she at least knows how but I don't expect her to try it alone yet. She doesn't think twice about kicking everyone out of the kitchen to bake a cake or cookies or some sort of goody and she is not afraid to try a new baked goodie recipe either. She gets a free meal at work and often brings it home to share as she gets tired of work food. Thanks for sharing your ideas, what you've tried and works for you. Could work for us too.

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1 hour ago, Cupcake55 said:

Good ideas. I often have to keep my mouth shut when anyone else loads the dishwasher...different is not bad, just different. I do not like it to run when only half full but everyone else runs it after filling it, even half way. It's part of doing the dishes to them, I guess. I agree, some things just are not worth getting upset over. Sometimes it takes a couple of different tries to see what works but not everything is a battle or has to be a battle.

ODD knows how to cook things like hamburgers and a few dishes with hamburger meat in it like spaghetti. She can use the fryer for a couple of things. Her fall back food is eggs. She does scrambled or fried. Her eggs never break and I always have one or two that break. LOL. She can make grilled cheese sandwiches, burritos, mac and cheese, nachos. That is why it is more frustrating because she does know how just chooses not to. I don't mind helping cook or actually cooking. I would like help with coming up with WHAT to cook. What one person likes another doesn't, so it's a challenge to figure things out sometimes. Some days I don't even bother and it's everyone fends for themselves when we have 3-4 left over dishes that need to get used up. So it's not really a matter of not knowing how it's a matter of not wanting to but it is something we are working on. I will keep your ideas in mind and maybe integrate her cooking once a week to start. I have her help me for more complicated dishes so she at least knows how but I don't expect her to try it alone yet. She doesn't think twice about kicking everyone out of the kitchen to bake a cake or cookies or some sort of goody and she is not afraid to try a new baked goodie recipe either. She gets a free meal at work and often brings it home to share as she gets tired of work food. Thanks for sharing your ideas, what you've tried and works for you. Could work for us too.

Good luck! 

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