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RoseRed135

What do YOU think?

33 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

21 hours ago, Mame925 said:

I raised one of those...and they can be difficult. In the long run I opted for cooperation rather than obedience. There were hard & fast rules (safety), but the majority of her boundaries were elastic. 

8 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

How does the bolded work, Mame? Can you give an example?

I assume what Mame means is the same as we attempt with our (few, not all) difficult, hard-headed, pushy kids and grandkids - we insist they follow rules, but we bend little stuff if possible, to keep the peace.

ODD's daughter (DGD) is a supreme squeaky wheel, she pushes so hard on her silly quirks - we try to find something/anything to make her happy while we ultimately get her to follow whatever rule she is pushing so hard against.

Example: Difficult DGD has to wear a life vest/jacket in the pool. That rule will be followed. She had a fit recently, didn't wanna wear her (correct size) life vest. We don't have another one in her size and the kiddies are each supposed to keep up with and wear a certain vest. I said "fine, no swimming" -- she was willing to fuss forever -- until sister said "Let me look at our life jackets, maybe we have a correct size life jacket you could be happy swimming in?" (vs. your own beeauuutiful pink vest)

That was fine with DGD, she felt like she was heard, about what nobody knows - beings she is 3 and ridiculous. Sister found a truly ugly boy life jacket in the correct size and DGD has been wearing it ever since.

She has to be heard, she'll follow along as long as she feels like she is heard. It's a funny part of being strong willed, not understandable if one hasn't lived it. I've lived it forever (my brother, MDS, YDD), I get it.

ETA: With 9 DGC here for the weeks until school starts, I'm not at all willing to be any more miserable than necessary and I'll do a lot to keep misery away from myself. IF my sister had not found an acceptable life vest in her stash I would have bought one on end of summer sale. We have 7 DGC (and one on the way) who were too young for vests this summer. We'll need more next year. But, DGD would not have been allowed to select, she would have just received another (as she did from sister).

 

Edited by JanelleK
clarity
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What I'm saying Rose is I have to live with how you raise your child, whether it is trashing the house or not doing their homework.  If they trash their own house I only have to look at it for a few days at most.  I don't have to look at it 24/7.  The same as an AC allowing your child to do something I fundamentally oppose WHILE they are living in my house. .  Intellectually there may be a difference- but practicality wise in the end there isn't.  Because the parents aren't the only ones who have to live with how their child behaves.  Some childraising philosophies would drive me nuts.  I don't know that I should have a say in it, but I couldn't live with it and so something would have to give if you were going to live in my house,

Actually I was a pretty loose parent.  I picked up the toys, made their beds, and did their laundry.  My biggies were doing your homework and being responsible.  If you joined a club you went to the meetings, you didn't blow them off.  School was important. You did your homework period.  I fed my kids healthy.  I did tell the story here once about volunteering at a church dinner where a mother told her obese son it was OK to come to the window for his 5 th hot dog.  I had a really hard time giving him that hot dog but it wasn't my kid.  If I had to give my own obese GS his 5th hot dog or dessert instead of dinner, every single day, it would drive me nuts.

I think I could live with one of the listed :egregious" behaviors, but not all of them at once (a perfect storm?)  I could deal with the messy house more than I could with an obese child allowed to only eat dessert or being told it's OK to eat a 5th hot dog instead of something less calories and more filling. 

Really the hot dog thing could actually be one of the potential "hot button" issues with my YS and DIL.  They eat horribly, and are overweight But being that she had her dog on a leash in my house I have a feeling that any potential GC won't get away with not doing there homework.  I think that if there is an extreme difference in how my AC raises their children, it would be hard for them to live with me.    And I think it would anyone.

So, I think everyone might have "hot button" childraising theories that they might have to compromise on if they are living in someone elses house.  They could always move out.  My mental health is important.

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I agree with a lot of the things people have already said.  

I feel sorry for the kid in the scenario because it sounds like he's not getting much consistency and consistency is really important for kids.  I really hope the parents and grandparents can either work things out or agree to end the living situation.

I also think that it's just another example of why living with your parents when you are grown and have kids is normally not the best idea.  There can be certain situations where it's necessary for emergency-type reasons or if it's a temporary situation but I think it is so important to understand everyone's boundaries and rules and really talk about how to handle rules and discipline for the kids involved.  Communication is key.  

Regarding the enforcement of rules in parents' home versus grandparents' home, I tend to agree with Reaching but I also can understand what skipped is saying.  When I visit someone else's home with my kids we all follow their house rules (e.g., what to do with shoes in the home, whether drinks can go in certain rooms, etc.).  And I am definitely not okay with letting my kids act like wild animals in other people's homes.  Whenever we visit someone else's home the kids know to be on their best behavior and I tend to watch them like a hawk. With things related to my children's well-being and health, DH and I make the rules.  So, for example, even if rule in a home we are visiting is that children must clean their plates before leaving the table I would not make my children follow that rule.  I think that sort or rule causes children to ignore their body's cues about when they are full and can lead to obesity.  I had to clean my plate as a child and I still have problems not doing it as an adult and have had a weight problem all my life.  

That being said, I can see skipped's point about going nuts if I had to live with someone who was doing something that harmed the health of their children.  Watching someone I was living with feed their child a constant stream stream of junk food, and whose bad eating habits had made their child obese, would make me incredibly sad for the child and I'd have a hard time watching it.  If I were in that situation I think rather than trying to take over parenting their child or telling the person that I had a problem with how they feed their child I would probably try to set a healthy example and offer to share snacks and such.  For example, yesterday I made a hummus dip and cut up some veggies for my kids' afternoon snack.  I'd probably make a bit extra and offer some to the other family living with us.  I'd also keep lots of fruits and tell them they and their kids are welcome to have some.  Something like the homework wouldn't bother me quite as much as a health issue like junk food and obesity but I would, again, probably try to set a good example.  I would probably set up the table for my kids to do homework and ask the other mom or dad if they want me to make some space so their kids(s) can also sit there and do their homework.

If I was a grandparent and living with an adult child and his/her family and I had to deal with the junkfood issue I would again try to avoid parenting their child or telling them I don't agree with how they feed their child.  I'd try to, again, set a healthy example.  So, when making a snack, I'd offer to share or put out lots of fruits and tell people to feel free to have some.  I might also try to interest the kid(s) in helping me cook some healthy meals.  My kids love helping me in the kitchen and the love helping my mom in the kitchen too when we visit.  As for the homework, I might to subtly set and example.  So, I might start going to the library to read books and offer to take the kids with me in the afternoon so they can do homework there and then pick out some books to check out.  They have afternoon activities for school-aged kids at my local library and I think even homework help or homework and/or reading clubs.  So I might say, "Hey, I'm going to the library this afternoon and I noticed that they have X activity.  If you wanna get a break I can take the kids with me and so they can do their homework and then do X activity and you can get some peace and quiet."   

I just really dislike telling other people how to parent their children (assuming they are not abusing them) and I'd rather try to set an example than get someone's hackles up by telling them what to do with their own kids or criticizing them.  And if I really couldn't bear the situation the I might suggest a move out date.  

 

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@Mame925 & @JanelleK - Thanks for the examples! :)  Got a kick out of the life jacket story, Janelle! ;)

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Posted (edited)

  @skipped - Points taken. Especially about the "5th hot dog," etc. In fact, if I were asked to give a 5th hot dog (or whatever) to an obese GC, it would make me feel as if I were party to the unhealthy decision, and I think I would decline. I wouldn't stop the parents from handing it to the child (how could I?). But I wouldn't do it myself. They might resent that, I know, but I have to live w/ my conscience.

Also, I get that if a GP dislikes the parents' childrearing style, overall, GP might not be able to accept much of it. But, in that case, IMO, what needs to be done most of all is to end the living together situation ASAP. (I realize that's not always feasible for economic reasons, etc.)

Edited by RoseRed135

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I think mil's approach is bad, the story is incomplete and not first hand either. My AC have the right and responsibility to make rules without me. BTDT don't need another T. 

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I agree with skipped as far as not being able to tolerate living with your grown children and their kids if the parenting philosophies were vastly different.  In that case, I agree that for your own sanity you would have to ask them to move out.  I still don't think you have any right at all to try to make rules for the kids that the parents don't agree with regarding the kids health and wellbeing.  But you DO have the right to not live with them.  I could NEVER live with my sister and BIL and their kids...I can hardly make it through a family weekend of vacation with them because we have such widely different parenting philosophies.  There are some areas where I can definitely recognize that it is simply a difference of opinion, or difference of approach and just because I think my way is better, doesn't mean they are wrong.  However, there are other areas where I think they are just flat out wrong and though I am able to bite my tongue through a couple day vacation, I know I would never be able to do it for long enough to live with them.  

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When GB#3 was a young child I couldn't deal with him ....he's the one with the congenital heart defect. He & his mom had created their "normal", which was so far out of any normal I'd ever seen! DH was inclined to indulge rather than help them grow, totally his prerogative, but something I wasn't willing to go along with. She hadn't taught him to put himself to sleep or sleep alone, so always had lie down with him at naptime & bedtime. Most times she fell asleep with him. I wasn't willing to watch him for very long at all and don't buy into the lying down with the kids things...DH took on the task of getting him to go to sleep. He was so used to being indulged that I really struggled with my feelings for quite awhile. DsD didn't really start growing out of it herself until she was pregnant with her 2nd child. 

As for living with any of my AC? No, nada, never, nein, nyet....

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