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RoseRed135

The MAIN cause of family rifts - Is the verdict in?

141 posts in this topic

2 hours ago, skipped said:

I've been on this site a long time.  Once a DIL posted that if a DIL decided that she didn't like it that her MIL would wear green.  Her husband had to back her up.

Not everyone agrees w/ that though. I certainly don't. If DIL is being unreasonable, IMO, that's the point where DH needs to stand up and say, "No. She's my mom and she has to be welcome in this house no matter what color she wears."

I submit that maybe what seems like a MIL/ DIL issue, is really a DIL issue alone, it she is demanding enough to expect her husband to not let his mother in their house because she wears green, and doesn't care about his opinion, uses her relationship with him to dictate how he treats his mother.  It says enough to me about how she treats her relationship with him.  "BECAUSE I'M the Wife= Do what I say.

It's not a MIL DIL issue.  It's a DIL blowing off her husbands feelings, opinions because he has to constantly defer to her.

Or IOWs, we could say, in this case, it's a marital problem. Especially if the deferring is all one way and DIL never defers to DH on any issues.

 

Edited by RoseRed135
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2 hours ago, skipped said:

I don't think you get it.  I'm not assuming anything.  It doesn't matter if it's his idea to start with.  He is NOT ALLOWED to have an opinion.l  PERIOD.  People are saying, a husband HAS to abide by what his wife wants because she is the primary relationship.  That he is not allowed to have an opinion because their  relationship negates his opinion,

I don't know how anybody else's marriage works, but speaking for my own, that doesn't fly here. My husband isn't a puppet. 

No spouse HAS to abide by the other. A good marriage has equal respect for each other at the heart of it, not one person calling the shots.

To insist that the wife or husband is the one with all the control is ridiculous.

My marriage no more negates my ability to form opinions and have free will than it does his.

What you're describing isn't a healthy marriage, it's a sock puppet and puppet master.

2 hours ago, skipped said:

I've been on this site a long time.  Once a DIL posted that if a DIL decided that she didn't like it that her MIL would wear green.  Her husband had to back her up.

I submit that maybe what seems like a MIL/ DIL issue, is really a DIL issue alone, it she is demanding enough to expect her husband to not let his mother in their house because she wears green, and doesn't care about his opinion, uses her relationship with him to dictate how he treats his mother.  It says enough to me about how she treats her relationship with him.  "BECAUSE I'M the Wife= Do what I say.

It's not a MIL DIL issue.  It's a DIL blowing off her husbands feelings, opinions because he has to constantly defer to her.

So, you actually believe that an adult man has no will or his own, and lives only to abide by the whims of his wife.

I have no clue what sort of relationships other ppl have, but none of this sounds remotely realistic to me.

Closest example I can think of is in the form of domestic violence, when one partner controls everything in the life of the other. I genuinely don't know any other relationship that this power dynamic you describe exists.

I don't know of spouses that don't care about the other's opinion.

Maybe it's just me, but what the holy heck is the point of being married if the other person is just a puppet? *shudders*

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10 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

Maybe it's just me, but what the holy heck is the point of being married if the other person is just a puppet? *shudders*

I agree. DH always had an opinion, as do I. Sometimes they didn't match at all. 

The funniest thing ever, when we told his mother we'd decided to marry, she says (in front of us both) "I suppose you'll be having the wedding with your people". This came out the mouth of a woman who had an opinion on everything...did she not know her own son?

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To further add:

My dh and I tend to rock the 'united front' aspect of things. We're outnumbered by Minions, so that's just how we do it.

But, we also have a chat in the background. If I've taken a stance that he's not in agreement with, we have a chat, and vice versa. If a mind gets changed, the person who made the initial decision announces the change.

So, if I grounded them, and we talked and decided to take another approach or shorten the grounding, I'd be the one to tell them. That way, there isn't a 'good cop/bad cop' routine.

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9 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

I don't know how anybody else's marriage works, but speaking for my own, that doesn't fly here. My husband isn't a puppet. 

No spouse HAS to abide by the other. A good marriage has equal respect for each other at the heart of it, not one person calling the shots.

To insist that the wife or husband is the one with all the control is ridiculous.

My marriage no more negates my ability to form opinions and have free will than it does his.

What you're describing isn't a healthy marriage, it's a sock puppet and puppet master.

So, you actually believe that an adult man has no will or his own, and lives only to abide by the whims of his wife.

I have no clue what sort of relationships other ppl have, but none of this sounds remotely realistic to me.

Closest example I can think of is in the form of domestic violence, when one partner controls everything in the life of the other. I genuinely don't know any other relationship that this power dynamic you describe exists.

I don't know of spouses that don't care about the other's opinion.

Maybe it's just me, but what the holy heck is the point of being married if the other person is just a puppet? *shudders*

I'm with Imp here...I actually don't know anyone IRL who has a relationship like that with their spouse. And I think the vast majority of people I know are open to hearing and considering their spouses opinion. The situation skipped is describing is an abusive relationship, and IL problems are not the issue. 

I don't think anyone here is advocating for a DH to just kowtow to his wife all the time. But most of us advocate for a DH considering his wife's feelings and opinions first when working out a solution to a problem because that's what marriage is. And vice versa for the wife. Your spouse is supposed to be 'above all others'. 

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9 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

I don't know how anybody else's marriage works, but speaking for my own, that doesn't fly here. My husband isn't a puppet. 

No spouse HAS to abide by the other. A good marriage has equal respect for each other at the heart of it, not one person calling the shots.

To insist that the wife or husband is the one with all the control is ridiculous.

My marriage no more negates my ability to form opinions and have free will than it does his.

What you're describing isn't a healthy marriage, it's a sock puppet and puppet master.

So, you actually believe that an adult man has no will or his own, and lives only to abide by the whims of his wife.

I have no clue what sort of relationships other ppl have, but none of this sounds remotely realistic to me.

Closest example I can think of is in the form of domestic violence, when one partner controls everything in the life of the other. I genuinely don't know any other relationship that this power dynamic you describe exists.

I don't know of spouses that don't care about the other's opinion.

Maybe it's just me, but what the holy heck is the point of being married if the other person is just a puppet? *shudders*

I thought that was suggested when a poster posted that the ILs forget the husband wife relationship.  Of course a husband agrees with his wife because that is the primary relationship.    T o me that sounds like they are a puppet.

No I don't agree that a man has no will on his own.  I think a wife might have some control of a husband in that everyone has to compromise in a marriage to make it work. Key word everyone.   But that control can be abused.   if one person has to bend ie they aren't totally on board just "giving in" all the time  No one wants to be constantly compromising on things. Or be the only person compromising.   Isn't that why we advice DILs to get their husbands on board.  Not half on board. 

I think if you are constantly making your husband give in on MIL issues.  You ought to be giving in on other issues in the marriage. 

There have been several of the MILs on this site with problem DILs that are now divorced.  If you know there stories you know that there was much more involved in the dissolution of their marriage than their MIL issues.  There were many other "control" issues in their marriage.  I think for some people it's easier not to look at the big picture.  I think it's easier to make a third party the reason for your divorce.  No one wants to see what role they have had in the divorce. 

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My husband is the quietist and the easiest person in the world to get along with.  He really doesn't want to be involved in any real life drama...BUT...when his mother would complain to him about me, he would tell her to just not call me and I couldn't hang up on her etc.  He'd tell me to simply not talk to her.  There was no caller ID and all party lines at the time, I never figured out how that would work.

Also, he did cut her off without any pushing from me when she told him that she could instigate a divorce between the two of us when ever she choose...Well, nope.  We have been married over 40 years and she has been gone nearly 10.  The only argument we've had in that time is when some how his mothers past actions were a topic for discussion.

 

Edited by SueSTx
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Regarding not knowing people IRL with that kind of relationship.  These boards are full of husbands not on board with their wives/ MILs issues.   New Mamma, you personally are having issues with your MIL, have had an argument with your husband about it.   You say he is not happy with you distancing yourself from your MIL and are doing it anyway.  How does that look to his mother?  Like he is onboard with you about it when it sounds to me like he isn't?

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1 hour ago, skipped said:

 

I think if you are constantly making your husband give in on MIL issues.  You ought to be giving in on other issues in the marriage. 

I take it this ^^^^ is "you-general" or "you-general DIL?"

Hmmm... Could be DILs in this situation are "giving in" on other issues. I hope so, anyway. We don't always here about those here. For better or worse, we don't necessarily get a full picture of any poster's marriage here - often the only part we hear about is the part involving MIL (and/or FIL).

There have been several of the MILs on this site with problem DILs that are now divorced.  If you know there stories you know that there was much more involved in the dissolution of their marriage than their MIL issues.  There were many other "control" issues in their marriage.  I think for some people it's easier not to look at the big picture.  I think it's easier to make a third party the reason for your divorce.  No one wants to see what role they have had in the divorce. 

Actually, as often has been said here,  MIL/DIL problems are frequently reflect overall marital problems between DIL and DS/DH (or SIL and DD/DW).  That doesn't make the issues w/ MIL (and/or FIL) any less aggravating, IMO. But it does mean that, in those case, the IL problem is part of a larger pattern in DS/DH's and DIL's marriage.

 

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1 hour ago, skipped said:

Regarding not knowing people IRL with that kind of relationship.  These boards are full of husbands not on board with their wives/ MILs issues.   New Mamma, you personally are having issues with your MIL, have had an argument with your husband about it.   You say he is not happy with you distancing yourself from your MIL and are doing it anyway.  How does that look to his mother?  Like he is onboard with you about it when it sounds to me like he isn't?

Skipped, he's bummed out there's tension between his wife and his mother. He's entitled to feel that way. Feelings are feelings. 

We had a discussion about how we move forward after we had the big argument about it. He understands that I do not want to be around her right now and has agreed that he will go back to visiting with her on weekends that I work so he can see her and I don't have to. That's called compromise. 

The decision we came to about visiting with her was exactly what I was talking about. We had a big fight about it, but we also sat down afterwards and had a very rational, calm discussion about where I am and why, why he's sad about the whole thing, why we react differently to her, and how can we figure out something so he can see her and I don't lose my mind. Mutual exchange of thoughts, feelings and opinions. So, no, he's not thrilled I don't want to spend time with her. I don't blame him for that. But he is RESPECTING it and understands that I don't feel the same way about her that he does, nor will I ever because I didn't grow up with her as my mom. That's what I mean when I say my husband is on board with me - we figured out a plan together we can both live with. It doesn't mean he absorbs my opinions as his own. I'm not pressuring him to take a TO from her just because I'm taking a TO from her right now. And he is not (so far) pushing me to see her because he is. 

And I know how it looks to his mother, and quite frankly at this point, I don't care. She gets to see her son and grandkids without me - there's a lot of MILs one these kind of boards that would be thrilled with that arrangement. Why push for me to be around too? My kids are old enough (and opinionated) now that I don't worry about her being around them without me there anymore. I do care about what my husbands thinks, and that's why we reached the above compromise for now because I know it's important to him to see her.

I'm sad my relationship with MIL has gotten to this point as well. It's not something I ever wanted, but it is where we ended up so we need to find a new way forward DH and I can both live with.   

 

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1 hour ago, skipped said:

Regarding not knowing people IRL with that kind of relationship.  These boards are full of husbands not on board with their wives/ MILs issues.   New Mamma, you personally are having issues with your MIL, have had an argument with your husband about it.   You say he is not happy with you distancing yourself from your MIL and are doing it anyway.  How does that look to his mother?  Like he is onboard with you about it when it sounds to me like he isn't?

Are you suggesting that New Mama doesn't have the right to distance herself if her dh doesn't want her to?

If a husband has the right to whatever relationship w/his parents, why shouldn't the wife be able to nope out?

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@skipped  On this board, you are getting a component of a poster's life, which mostly centers around problematic relationships in a person's life so it is impossible to have a complete picture of a poster's marriage.   Also, from reading this board, compromises are made all the time to support a DH's relationship with his parents even when the DIL is NC or VLC due to strained relations.  I can give you so many examples in my marriage in which I agreed to compromise on something with DH which also was a positive for my IL's.   Just this week, the mother of a dear friend of ours passed away.  However, the funeral happens to be on the same day as FIL's bday.  I want to attend the funeral with DH especially since it is a long drive to the venue.  DH wants to spend a few hours with his dad (and mom), especially since they are shuts due to MIL's illness and living up a flight of stairs.   So, I am going solo to the funeral and DH is going to spend time with his dad.  

It took me a long time to see this, but I believe that IL issues are secondary to the root of the problem which is AC/parent relationship issues and separately marital issues between DH/DW not putting each other first. 

 

Edited by BSW
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13 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

Are you suggesting that New Mama doesn't have the right to distance herself if her dh doesn't want her to?

If a husband has the right to whatever relationship w/his parents, why shouldn't the wife be able to nope out?

I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to.  I'm saying it puts a strain on their marriage.  There are some things people just can't compromise on.

 There are people on these boards who are dictating their husbands relationship w his parents.  New Mama is dictating her relationship with his parents and a side effect of that is that  she is dictating her husbands relationship with his parents (He can see them on her weekends off- ?how to holidays look?)  He may come to resent that.  New Mamma  isn't complaining about her MIL wearing green, but I took that comment to mean, a complaint about a MIL doesn't have to be legit, a husband has to have his wife's back even if she is being unreasonable.  So since they are fighting, even if it is legit to her, it's not legit to him.  So she does know someone who IRL is being unreasonable (at least to her husband). At least she is being a lot better than a few members on this board who feel that if the ILs can't treat her with respect, her husband doesn't have her back if he continues a relationship with her.  They want them cut off.   So unless they are making this all up, IRL there are those people. And while an IL may not know the whole story, it is not unbelievable that the husband is not 100% on board with his wifes decisions to distance herself from his family or their complaints about their ILs gift giving or wearing of green. She may be wrong. But she may be right.  Intuition is a strong thing Imp.  You seem to be implying that a MIL is always wrong and should never even consider such a thing.

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10 minutes ago, skipped said:

I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to.  I'm saying it puts a strain on their marriage.  There are some things people just can't compromise on.

 There are people on these boards who are dictating their husbands relationship w his parents.  New Mama is dictating her relationship with his parents and a side effect of that is that  she is dictating her husbands relationship with his parents (He can see them on her weekends off- ?how to holidays look?)  He may come to resent that.  New Mamma  isn't complaining about her MIL wearing green, but I took that comment to mean, a complaint about a MIL doesn't have to be legit, a husband has to have his wife's back even if she is being unreasonable.  So since they are fighting, even if it is legit to her, it's not legit to him.  So she does know someone who IRL is being unreasonable (at least to her husband). At least she is being a lot better than a few members on this board who feel that if the ILs can't treat her with respect, her husband doesn't have her back if he continues a relationship with her.  They want them cut off.   So unless they are making this all up, IRL there are those people. And while an IL may not know the whole story, it is not unbelievable that the husband is not 100% on board with his wifes decisions to distance herself from his family or their complaints about their ILs gift giving or wearing of green. She may be wrong. But she may be right.  Intuition is a strong thing Imp.  You seem to be implying that a MIL is always wrong and should never even consider such a thing.

Good lord, I don't think that a person is always wrong, simply based on their role. I do think that unless you're in the marriage, you don't know what happens behind closed doors, for good or ill. And I think that assuming the CIL is to blame for all you don't like is scapegoating and unreasonable. 

New Mama has the right to say no. She has the right to say, "I don't like the way I'm treated, I'm not going to subject myself to it." What is the other alternative? To continually allow herself to be treated badly, so that her dh doesn't have to explain her absence? Why should she set herself on fire to keep her dh and inlaws warm? She's not demanding he follow her in TO. She's stepping away so she can regroup, and figure out what to do from here.

While you say that she's dictating her relationship, and impacting her dh's relationship, I ask, isn't this also natural consequences? If someone treats you badly, why would you want to be around them? Why should being 'family' mean that you have to accept/tolerate being treated poorly?

At what point does someone have the right to say, "This isn't healthy for me." and bow out? Or, if they're a CIL, do they lose the right to protect themselves when it comes to their PIL, and have to accept/tolerate whatever comes down the pike?

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1 hour ago, skipped said:

I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to.  I'm saying it puts a strain on their marriage.  There are some things people just can't compromise on.

 There are people on these boards who are dictating their husbands relationship w his parents.  New Mama is dictating her relationship with his parents and a side effect of that is that  she is dictating her husbands relationship with his parents (He can see them on her weekends off- ?how to holidays look?)  He may come to resent that.  New Mamma  isn't complaining about her MIL wearing green, but I took that comment to mean, a complaint about a MIL doesn't have to be legit, a husband has to have his wife's back even if she is being unreasonable.  So since they are fighting, even if it is legit to her, it's not legit to him.  So she does know someone who IRL is being unreasonable (at least to her husband). At least she is being a lot better than a few members on this board who feel that if the ILs can't treat her with respect, her husband doesn't have her back if he continues a relationship with her.  They want them cut off.   So unless they are making this all up, IRL there are those people. And while an IL may not know the whole story, it is not unbelievable that the husband is not 100% on board with his wifes decisions to distance herself from his family or their complaints about their ILs gift giving or wearing of green. She may be wrong. But she may be right.  Intuition is a strong thing Imp.  You seem to be implying that a MIL is always wrong and should never even consider such a thing.

Skipped, I'm not sure what point you are trying to make, but I really don't think you get what happened between myself and my husband about his mother. So if there's a point you're getting at, maybe you need different example than me. I'm not dictating anything - I'm a grown adult and have the choice who I spend time around and who I don't. For the millionth time, we compromised on something we can both live with. 

For the record: I work every other weekend. That's 26 weekends out of the year my MIL can visit. TWENTY SIX. I don't care if she's here every other weekend as long as I am not. We made a decision when ODS was born to not spend holidays travelling. MIL as invited to quite a few, and opted not to come to most. Her choice. Same thing with this past Christmas - I assumed she was coming since she had the previous two years, apparently she made other plans for herself. So holidays this year aren't changing from the last several years, before we got to this point. 

Do you want to know what DID put a strain on my marriage? My MIL ignoring my mom dying. My MIL pressuring my DH to make me rug sweep what she is well aware she did. My MIL invading my privacy. My MIL treating me like a non-entity in my own home. My DH agreeing all of the things my MIL did were not ok, but pressuring me to just ignore her like he does when she does these things to him. 

That strained my marriage. Offering my DH TWENTY SIX  weekends to see her did not. 

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3 hours ago, skipped said:

I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to.  I'm saying it puts a strain on their marriage.  There are some things people just can't compromise on.

 There are people on these boards who are dictating their husbands relationship w his parents.  New Mama is dictating her relationship with his parents and a side effect of that is that  she is dictating her husbands relationship with his parents (He can see them on her weekends off- ?how to holidays look?)  He may come to resent that.  New Mamma  isn't complaining about her MIL wearing green, but I took that comment to mean, a complaint about a MIL doesn't have to be legit, a husband has to have his wife's back even if she is being unreasonable.  So since they are fighting, even if it is legit to her, it's not legit to him.  So she does know someone who IRL is being unreasonable (at least to her husband). At least she is being a lot better than a few members on this board who feel that if the ILs can't treat her with respect, her husband doesn't have her back if he continues a relationship with her.  They want them cut off.   So unless they are making this all up, IRL there are those people. And while an IL may not know the whole story, it is not unbelievable that the husband is not 100% on board with his wifes decisions to distance herself from his family or their complaints about their ILs gift giving or wearing of green. She may be wrong. But she may be right.  Intuition is a strong thing Imp.  You seem to be implying that a MIL is always wrong and should never even consider such a thing.

Seems to me, given the situation, that if New Mama's dh has resentment, it ought to be directed toward his mother, for treating his wife so terribly when her mother died.

I've already stated it's not always the MIL's fault, Skipped...but it's not always the DIL's fault either. I can't imagine how New Mama can be blamed for her MIL's behaviour when her own mother died.

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NewMamma, I get how hurtful it is for your MIL to ignore your Mother's passing. Even if she had been awkward or just given you a card, mumbled "I'm sorry for your loss" then you could move forward. My ODIL didn't acknowledge my mother's death for months but then finally asked how I was doing. Don't get me wrong, frankly I was relieved she didn't come to the funeral because it was one less worry for me to deal with at a very difficult time. I had all I could handle to get through the funeral and do things as I believe my mother would have wanted. I didn't have any energy left to try to make things comfortable for my DIL or help her with the children and I don't know if my ODS wished she was there for him or not. My ODS did come and having all my sons was a comfort. But I was hurt that ODIL had nothing to say for 8 months. It felt very thoughtless and selfish of her to me even though I know I'm not a favorite person of hers, it was still her children's great grandmother who died,  I am sure that she would be just as hurt as you if I ignored her loss should it have been her mother. But I don't feel so strongly about it as you do, it just seems to be part of the pattern of how she behaves and maybe as an older parent I don't feel so angry because it comes across as an immature reaction of DIL's. It is hard to know what to say and some people don't know what to do and end up doing nothing, I know I have been very awkward before in similar situations. So for me, one more thing to just "let go".

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25 minutes ago, missmm said:

NewMamma, I get how hurtful it is for your MIL to ignore your Mother's passing. Even if she had been awkward or just given you a card, mumbled "I'm sorry for your loss" then you could move forward. My ODIL didn't acknowledge my mother's death for months but then finally asked how I was doing. Don't get me wrong, frankly I was relieved she didn't come to the funeral because it was one less worry for me to deal with at a very difficult time. I had all I could handle to get through the funeral and do things as I believe my mother would have wanted. I didn't have any energy left to try to make things comfortable for my DIL or help her with the children and I don't know if my ODS wished she was there for him or not. My ODS did come and having all my sons was a comfort. But I was hurt that ODIL had nothing to say for 8 months. It felt very thoughtless and selfish of her to me even though I know I'm not a favorite person of hers, it was still her children's great grandmother who died,  I am sure that she would be just as hurt as you if I ignored her loss should it have been her mother. But I don't feel so strongly about it as you do, it just seems to be part of the pattern of how she behaves and maybe as an older parent I don't feel so angry because it comes across as an immature reaction of DIL's. It is hard to know what to say and some people don't know what to do and end up doing nothing, I know I have been very awkward before in similar situations. So for me, one more thing to just "let go".

Your DIL was rotten to do as she did. It doesn't cost a dime to say, "I'm sorry."

Did she sign a card, or flowers, *anything* that she also put her name on w/your ds?

I don't go to funerals, myself, usually b/c I'd be at home w/the kids, and send Wolf to express condolences on both our parts. Neither of us believe young children and funerals are a good mix, so I'd absolutely make a call, sign a card, etc.

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6 hours ago, BSW said:

Just this week, the mother of a dear friend of ours passed away.  However, the funeral happens to be on the same day as FIL's bday.  I want to attend the funeral with DH especially since it is a long drive to the venue.  DH wants to spend a few hours with his dad (and mom), especially since they are shuts due to MIL's illness and living up a flight of stairs.   So, I am going solo to the funeral and DH is going to spend time with his dad. 

I think in good marriages people have to compromise like this often. Everybody gets a bit of what they want, nobody is made totally miserable.

Non-MIL example: Recently my husband saw a rental home at Bank sale. He wanted to make the lowest cash-bid allowed and see if we could buy it. I felt it was ridiculous to buy more property and that we should be spending that bid-money in a different manner. We compromised that he could make the bid, but I get 95% vote and veto on the renovations needed. I hold the purse much tighter and think I have better feel for reasonable cost. For example stained concrete floors done by him, not an expensive firm. Nice, serviceable, old cabinets and appliances that my brother wants to get rid of (I will chalk paint the cabinets and wood work), and pinterest/goodwill lighting - he would go to Lowe's and spend 10x as much. He is elated, we got the property. I am elated because the rent to total investment is really good and we are not over-spending.

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1 hour ago, missmm said:

NewMamma, I get how hurtful it is for your MIL to ignore your Mother's passing. Even if she had been awkward or just given you a card, mumbled "I'm sorry for your loss" then you could move forward. My ODIL didn't acknowledge my mother's death for months but then finally asked how I was doing. Don't get me wrong, frankly I was relieved she didn't come to the funeral because it was one less worry for me to deal with at a very difficult time. I had all I could handle to get through the funeral and do things as I believe my mother would have wanted. I didn't have any energy left to try to make things comfortable for my DIL or help her with the children and I don't know if my ODS wished she was there for him or not. My ODS did come and having all my sons was a comfort. But I was hurt that ODIL had nothing to say for 8 months. It felt very thoughtless and selfish of her to me even though I know I'm not a favorite person of hers, it was still her children's great grandmother who died,  I am sure that she would be just as hurt as you if I ignored her loss should it have been her mother. But I don't feel so strongly about it as you do, it just seems to be part of the pattern of how she behaves and maybe as an older parent I don't feel so angry because it comes across as an immature reaction of DIL's. It is hard to know what to say and some people don't know what to do and end up doing nothing, I know I have been very awkward before in similar situations. So for me, one more thing to just "let go".

I think it gets compounded for me for a few reasons. One being the fact that I went through the flip of it two years prior with her when her SO died. I bent over backwards to accommodate her and DH, attend the funeral etc. And when it came around to this, I don't even register as deserving an "I'm sorry." She also pushed DH hard that my kids don't understand etc, meanwhile ODS was devastated, crying every night and not sleeping.  It made me angry that in the middle of everything, I'm having to advocate for my child to my own husband that he was having a hard time - every time I heard "well mom said..." I wanted to scream. And I think secondly, it was the card I did get from her saying she forgot about the funeral, and she hopes I'm not mad at her and I could I make her feel better about it etc. It makes me so angry that she thinks it was ok to demand that of me during this horrible, traumatic event for me and my family. I suspected at the time the forgetting was a lie, and DH confirmed that it was. She made a conscious decision to not attend. 

So the whole thing just kind of became a 'done' point for me. I don't think there's any level of going back from it. Even with an apology, even if she acknowledged it now. I need to find a way to deal with her after a good long break that we all can deal with.   

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I think just because you've compromised on something doesn't mean that it won't harm your marriage.

Here's my example of a non MIL compromise.  I've been married 35 years.  Over the years I've had to compromise on a lot of things with my husband.  Most of them were no biggies.  But The big one for me was that still causes resentment for me is that he wanted to be self employed.  We had our house paid off and I agreed that he could do it.  Over the years I've resented that compromise off and on. I had to be the responsible one.  I carried the health insurance.  Sometimes I resent that.  When we were shorter on money, I resented that he could be making more money if he was working for a company .  That compromise rears it's ugly head once in a while and effects my satisfaction with my marriage.

I think for most people giving up ever having holidays with your family would be a biggie.  There would have to be lots of other good things in a marriage to make up for it.

It's interesting to me that MILs are often advised that they have the most to loose in an altercation with a DIL.  The fact that MIL/DIL issues are listed as the #! cause of divorce says to me that maybe a DIL has a lot to loose too. 

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When my dad died, my then H let his parents know. His mom gave him an earful about what he could, should & would be doing to help me, my mom & my sister. He took it all to heart, shared it with my sister's H and they were the two best H & SIL's we could hope for (at the time). I think, since her own dad had died about 6 years earlier, she still felt some of the burn from her own ILs (it was sibs-in-law, the PIL had already passed). My dad was the family favorite with 7 brothers & sisters, all of whom took his death very hard. So H was thrown into helping deal with them as well. Some of it wasn't pretty. To his credit, however, xH was always there in a crisis. Didn't lose his head.

NewMama can use this as a learning opportunity when her own kids face some sort of IL dilema...and they will...

Not going to a funeral is a conscious choice and there isn't much room for judgment. Not acknowledging the loss is just plain rude when its someone in your frequent family circle. 

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16 minutes ago, skipped said:

I think just because you've compromised on something doesn't mean that it won't harm your marriage.

Here's my example of a non MIL compromise.  I've been married 35 years.  Over the years I've had to compromise on a lot of things with my husband.  Most of them were no biggies.  But The big one for me was that still causes resentment for me is that he wanted to be self employed.  We had our house paid off and I agreed that he could do it.  Over the years I've resented that compromise off and on. I had to be the responsible one.  I carried the health insurance.  Sometimes I resent that.  When we were shorter on money, I resented that he could be making more money if he was working for a company .  That compromise rears it's ugly head once in a while and effects my satisfaction with my marriage.

I think for most people giving up ever having holidays with your family would be a biggie.  There would have to be lots of other good things in a marriage to make up for it.

It's interesting to me that MILs are often advised that they have the most to loose in an altercation with a DIL.  The fact that MIL/DIL issues are listed as the #! cause of divorce says to me that maybe a DIL has a lot to loose too. 

If you don't like the results of the compromise, it's time to renegotiate. "We've tried this, here's the problem I'm having..." That's how we do it, anyways. Having one partner resent the other isn't healthy.

As to the bolded: I suppose that depends on what the MIL/DIL issues are. For example, if Wolf told me that his mother was moving in with us, regardless of the fact she has assaulted me, lied, manipulated, etc...well, I'd divorce his butt in a heartbeat, and consider it a blessing, vs living w/MIL.

Everyone has their limits. It may be that those listing MIL issues had a husband that enabled his mother to abuse his wife. It may be the wife was a horrid person and tried to blame everyone but her. Who knows?

I'd divorce if my dh demanded I accept being abused in the name of family.

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What about someone who resents their spouse for allowing the spouse's parents to mistreat them? Is that not just as damaging to a marriage, if not more so? I would think that allowing that to continue, so the spouse with the misbehaving parents doesn't have to face it or compromise on it is probably worse than trying to hash out a livable compromise. 

 

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3 minutes ago, NewMama said:

What about someone who resents their spouse for allowing the spouse's parents to mistreat them? Is that not just as damaging to a marriage, if not more so? I would think that allowing that to continue, so the spouse with the misbehaving parents doesn't have to face it or compromise on it is probably worse than trying to hash out a livable compromise. 

 

Sure.  I could see her resenting it. I agree that  it would be damaging to a marriage if a spouse allows his parents to mistreat his wife.  I don't know why he would allow that unless 1) he doesn't see it the same way as his wife. (ie it isn't mistreatment- she is BECing or not legit period or she is overblowing the situation) or 2) he really does put his parents before his wife,   I personally find #2 hard to believe unless they are having other marital issues  or he has some mental illness issues.  If #1 is the reason- as we say here get him on the same page.  If #2 is the reason- counseling or divorce.

If I renegotiated and made my husband go back to work, he' probably resent it.  He doesn't need the same amount of security that I do.  He'd say you like to work- I do like to work I just don't want to HAVE to work.  His POV is as valid as mine.  That's the problem with compromises.  neither party completely gets what they want.

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